Disclaimer: Nope~
A/N: rewrite eiiiight
AMERICAN STEREOTYPES GALOOOORE :'D
ALFRED F. JONES: User Guide and Manual
CONGRATULATIONS!
Technical Specifications:
Name: Alfred F. Jones. Will also reply to "USA", "America", "Hero", "Al", "Jones", and "OI, FUCKTARD".
Age: 20
Place of Manufacture: New York City, USA
Height: 6'1'
Weight: N/A (it fluctuates with his exercise/Big Mac ratio)
Length: He's the world's biggest superpower.
Your ALFRED F. JONES unit comes with the following accessories:
One (1) brown leather bomber jacket
One (1) pair of square-framed eyeglasses (Texas)
One (1) black business suit
One (1) unlimited McDonald's gift card
Three (3) pairs of superhero boxers (one Superman, one Batman, one Iron Man)
One (1) TONY unit
Programming:
Your ALFRED F. JONES unit is equipped with the following traits:
Salesman: ALFRED F. JONES is extremely charismatic, and as such he's a wonderful salesman. Send him in to an agency and sit back as he rakes in money from television infommercials, like that Sham-Wow! guy!
Policeman: He is, after all, the hero. This is his ideal position, right above a job at McDonald's.
Bodyguard: Running from the mob? Afraid of the sharks? Well, fear no more, because ALFRED F. JONES is here! He's not called a hero for nothing, after all! Just sic him on the offenders sit back as he takes them out with efficiency rivaling LOVINO VARGAS and IVAN BRAGINSKI. We, the creators of this manual, are not responsible for any damage done to any property, whether owned or not by the owner of this unit.
Government Official: With his wonderful speech skills, his charming grin, and his bursting ego, ALFRED F. JONES is perfect for any government position. If you want to make him a diplomat, he also speaks several languages including Spanish, French, German, Russian, Italian, Japanese, and Mandarin Chinese.
Removal of your ALFRED F. JONES from Packaging:
Your ALFRED F. JONES unit is a happy, energetic unit - for the most part - and there are rarely any problems with waking him up. It is impossible to accidentally knock him into a dangerous mode when removing him from his package; the most you need to worry about is him being too happy and energetic. In order to avoid that, we have provided you with a few ways that you can wake him carefully and get right to work on any reprogramming you might want to do!
1. Play the American national anthem, or any patriotic American song. Loudly. Your unit will respond immediately, singing horribly out-of-tune until the song is over; you can reprogram him during this time, and the faster you do this the faster he'll stop singing.
2. Put on a kid's superhero show or movie (preferably Superman or Batman) loud enough to be heard down the street. Your unit will whine for you to let him out of the box, and will run to the television as soon as you do. While he watches, you can reprogram him; however, be warned that if your chosen superhero is prone to striking heroic poses, your unit might jump up and do them as well.
3. Speak with a British accent or in Russian. ALFRED F. JONES will reply positively to the first one, and a little coldly to the second, but he will get up anyway.
4. Turn on his Tony unit. He'll insult you, ALFRED F. JONES will wake up shaking with laughter, and you'll be able to reprogram him then.
Reprogramming
After successfully waking your ALFRED F. JONES unit and getting him out of his box, you can reprogram him to any of the following modes:
Bubbly (default)
Heroic (default)
Horny
Cowardly
Mature (locked)
Postal (locked)
ALFRED F. JONES comes in his default modes Bubbly and Heroic, which entail a hyperactive personality, incessent bragging, and shopping sprees. He's prone to striking dramatic poses for no reason, and tends to shout superhero themes at the top of his lungs whenever he feels like it. In these two modes, ALFRED F. JONES gets along with practically every other unit, even though they might not like him all that much.
The Horny mode can be attained easily, by locking him in a room with a unit your ALFRED F. JONES has shown interest in (the NATALIYA ARLOVSKAYA unit is one of the most successful). Any relationships triggered by ALFRED F. JONES being in his Horny mode are unlikely to last longer than one or two nights.
ALFRED F. JONES's Cowardly mode is just as simple to unlock as Horny, except this time you just make him watch a horror movie. Japanese horror films are more successful than American ones, because ALFRED F. JONES is deathly afraid of ghosts and other supernatural beings; axe murderers aren't too frightening for him, and he would gladly watch a Saw marathon instead of a movie like The Grudge.
His Mature mode can only be unlocked by accusing him of starting a war he participated in, and having actual detail to back your words up. Casualty statistics in wars the USA participated in will also unlock his mode. In Mature, ALFRED F. JONES is far more serious and icy than normal, and will react harshly to ARTHUR KIRKLAND, GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT, IVAN BRAGINSKI, and LUDWIG KALTHERZIG units, especially toward the last two; the only way to get him out of this mode is to let him overhear conversations between American citizens about how much they love their country.
The last mode, Postal, is extremely dangerous and extremely difficult to unlock. You have to put him in close proximity to another unit in their war-era mode for quite a while; it works faster if you have all the major Allies and Axis country units in their varying World War II modes. In this mode, he's ruthless, malicious, prone to enraged screaming, and unlikely to sit down long enough for you to get him back to normal; if you can manage to have him finish a documentary on the fall of Communism or the McCarthy era in the United States then he'll return to normal. He is several times more likely to begin a relationship with a MATTHEW WILLIAMS in this mode, especially if the MATTHEW WILLIAMS in question is an his aptly-named WWII-Era mode. Another fun option is enough time with a French MATTHEW WILLIAMS or other unit in their horny modes, who'll blow his mind so much that it'll knock ALFRED F. JONES right back into default!
Relationships with Other Units
MATTHEW WILLIAMS: These two units are siblings, and extremely close as a result. ALFRED F. JONES and MATTHEW WILLIAMS do have their rows, but they are few and far between. Coaxing a relationship between them is a little bit harder because they see each other first as brothers, but the work pays off if you like watching...
ARTHUR KIRKLAND: ALFRED F. JONES and ARTHUR KIRKLAND go way back; unfortunately, ARTHUR KIRKLAND thinks of your unit as a brother or son and not as a lover. If you can break that barrier, then a relationship will blossom faster than you can say "Chinchilla".
IVAN BRAGINSKI: Your unit abhors IVAN BRAGINSKI with every fiber of his being. However, like with every other set of units, this hate can quite easily blur into romance...
FRANCIS BONNEFOIS: After FRANCIS BONNEFOIS helped him in the American War for Independence, ALFRED F. JONES has something of a soft spot for this unit! FRANCIS BONNEFOIS, of course, loves everyone and everything; in result, these two make fireworks when left alone together for longer than a few hours.
KIKU HONDA: Despite their rather painful past, ALFRED F. JONES and KIKU HONDA get along splendidly and can fall in love if given the time!
Cleaning
While ALFRED F. JONES is perfectly capable of cleaning himself, he does adore having bubble baths with other people. We don't recommend it, as he often instigates skirmishes with shampoo bottles, lacks a sense of personal space, and will most likely tackleglomp you in the shower.
Feeding
Your unit likes burgers, preferably from McDonald's because it's faster; if he's by trademark American burger joints (such as In-n-Out), he'll eat there instead of at Mickey-D's.
Rest
ALFRED F. JONES loves scary movies and games. A lot. He'll play and play and play and will manage as long as he's not watching or playing Asian horror films. If he spends too much time watching Asian horror films in the dark, he'll eventually ruin his sleeping habits as he tries to brave it; as such, he might randomly pop into your room with a pillow and teddy bear, trying not to burst into tears as he asks to sleep with you. This will happen often unless you refuse to let him into your bed until he stops watching those films.
FAQ
Q: TONY is constantly harassing me and calling me all sorts of stereotypical names!
A: As ALFRED F. JONES won't stop the teasing on his own, you'll have to tease him until he storms off. The next time TONY verbally abuses you, ALFRED F. JONES will step in and stop it!
Q: My unit randomly bursts into song, and he's so bad that I'm getting complaints from my neighbors! What do I do?
A: Shout harshly until he quiets, and then threaten that if he sings again you'll take away his McDonald's gift card.
Q: ALFRED F. JONES lost his McDonald's gift card, but now he's paying for his food with my credit card! I'm already two thousand dollars in debt!
A: Oh, dear. You'll have to call our Customer Services, who will send you a new gift card right away. As for your credit card debt, we can luckily send you the needed money, but we assure you that you'll have far more fun ordering him to get a job.
Troubleshooting
Problem: You opened the box and found, instead of your normal lovable giant, an ALFRED F. JONES who looks about sixteen years old or so. He doesn't respond to you and glares off into the corner, drumming on the table with his fingernails and storming around the house. He also refuses to do anything you ask, and basically acts like an angry, angsty teenager.
Solution: Oops! We've gone and sent you a War for Independence!ALFRED F. JONES. In this mode, he'll absolutely refuse to see ARTHUR KIRKLAND and MATTHEW WILLIAMS but will like the presence of FRANCIS BONNEFOIS and GILBERT BEILLSCHMIDT. If you don't want him shouting at you for trying to order him around, just call Customer Services and send him right back!
Problem: Your unit is twitching. Like massive shoulder jumps and neck snaps. He looks like he hasn't slept in ages, doesn't eat more than a few bites, and seems about to stab you with his toothbrush; he also looks over his shoulder every five seconds and mumbles to himself, and sometimes scratches at his inside of his forearm hissing about "those damn Commies".
Solution: Congrats! You've managed to unlock ALFRED F. JONES's Paranoia mode! The way he acts was brought on by the McCarthy Witch Trials in the United States and the Cold War tension; how he gets into this mode is not yet known, but you can get him out of it by leaving him with a Grumpy ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit for long enough.
End Notes
With enough care, patience, and tolerance for greasy fast food, you'll find ALFRED F. JONES to be a valuable companion. We wish you a great time with him. Good luck!
A/N: TURN UP THE LIGHTS IN HERE, BABYYYY