Be Human

by mimiru12

Tadakatsu comprehends.

He is made out of circuits and metal and electricity and nothing more. He is a weapon, made to protect the young lord of Tokugawa clan by all means necessary. His world is made up of numbers and statistics and rationality. He is a machine. He functions but hardly lives.

Yet he dreams.

When he dreams, he dreams of what it would be like to be more human. He has a real body and a real identity. He is a man named Tadakatsu Honda, not a weapon or a machine. In the dream, it is too good to be true and he rejoices. He counts each second of his life, precious life, and breathe deeply. He is alive. And he is satisfied simply because he is alive.

When he dreams, he dreams of having a family. He would hold his baby daughter close in his arms – he named her Komatsuhime – and she giggles in delight. His wife is close by and she smiles so gently at the two of them. He can't tell if she is beautiful or homely, but it does not matter because they are all smiling. And he tears up a little because he is blessed to have them by his side.

When he dreams, he dreams of traveling to the sea. He shoulders a sack full of clothes and food and little money. He would slip and roll a full meter down a muddy road. In the end, he laughs out loud because he looks ridiculous covered in mud and dry leaves. Then he arrives to a big bathhouse where he takes a long dip in the bubble bath. He looks from left to right to make sure no one is around before swimming around in the giant tub. Like a child in an adult's body. After the long bath, he arrives to the sea dyed orange. He builds a sand castle in the honor of Honda family like he had promised his daughter, decides to run on the rocky shores, and ends up breaking his knee. He moans as his retainers rush over, but somewhere deep inside his head, he chuckles at another episode of his adventures.

When he dreams, he dreams of stormy nights. Little Ieyasu and Komatsu are scared of the thunders and lightening that shakes the castle's doors. He pats their heads with his large hands and sings an off key tune about sunflowers and dragonflies. The children tell him that he is a terrible singer, but he pays them no mind. They don't seem so scared now as they giggle at his horrible singing voice.

Sometimes he dreams of "trivial" things: he cusses when he loses a fight; he kisses his wife chastely on the cheek when he returns home; he scratches a spider bite he has somehow gotten.

Sometimes he dreams of "special" things: he cries a river of tears as Komatsuhime marries a young man from an honorable clan; he laughs merrily until his stomach hurts when Ieyasu finally unites the country; and when he is old and grey, he touches his face and is happy to realize that his wrinkles are from laughter rather than frowns.

But most often, he dreams of buying a horse and riding it to the lake. There, everyone - his family, Tokugawa clan, the Eastern Army – welcomes him with a smile. They have a feast and get drunk and stay out too late. But everything is merry and good and lively.

He would live his life with a gleam in his eyes. He would embrace these feelings, good and bad, and store them neatly in his heart.

"T-Tadakatsu?"

He wondered. If he was human –

Would he care and be forgiving?

"Tadakatsu-san! Please, if you have to come back! In that rate, you will … you will …!"

Would he be sentimental and would he feel loneliness?

"Shit, what the hell is this guy thinking! Jumping in front of the canon fire like that!"

Would he doubt and have misgivings?

"Tadakatsu! This is an order! You can't - …!"

Would he cause someone sorrow? Would he know what to do?

"You can't die! We promised! We promised we would unite the country together!"

Will he cry when it's all over?

Tadakatsu comprehends.

He is made out of circuits and metal and electricity and nothing more. He is a weapon, made to protect the young lord of Tokugawa clan by all means necessary. His world is made up of numbers and statistics and rationality. He is a machine. He functions but hardly lives.

But as he flies towards the incoming fires, he can't help but wonder.

.

.

.

When he dies, will he see Heaven?

So after listening to Be Human by Yoko Kanno and Scott Matthews, I was inspired to write this. A lot of the phrases and passages are from the song. I think Tachikoma and Tadakatsu are rather similar don't you think?

Any corrections/suggestions would be awesome.