Yay! My first fic ever! Now, you people are my senpais, so it's your job to tell me what's good and what could get better. I apologize for any mistakes, I'm still learning english.^^' This first part is just the prologue, I will continue with the real story if I get any reviews. And... please don't kill me if it's bad. I've never written a fic before.

Rating for depression and some blood in later chapters. There will be eventual Izaya/Kida

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Durarara! or any characters associated with it. I am merely a huge duratard.

What if you could go back in time. What if you could erase some events of your life. Then I know exactly what I'd erase, what I'd prevent myself from doing, which people I'd prevent myself from meeting. I wouldn't need to erase that much time either, what was it? A couple of seconds? If I could just erase that moment, those few seconds, my life would be different. But you can't go back in time. You can't erase the events of your life. What has happened remains forever. Your guilt becomes your past, the past that will follow you wherever you go. In a world where there isn't even proof of the future, the past exists. And the person whom you're guilty towards will be your god. Just like he said.

The name's Kida Masaomi. I used to be the leader of a gang called The Yellow Scarves. That's right. "Used to". Because I made a huge mistake. Or, well, I guess it wasn't just "one" big mistake, considering I've made many mistakes in my life. One of them was founding The Yellow Scarves. But the greatest mistake I ever made happened after that. When I met someone I mistook for being someone she wasn't. And another who made my life turn into hell.

The person I mistook was a girl named Saki. I mistook her for being someone I loved. Someone who loved me. But it was nothing but an illusion.

A rival gang, Blue Square, kidnapped her and tortured her. Broke her legs. And I couldn't save her.

I froze to the spot and couldn't move. What a coward. But Kadota-san and his friends betrayed Blue Square and saved her. She was badly hurt, but she survived. So, how come I couldn't save her? One would say it was because I loved her, and was afraid to have the one I truly cared about getting hurt.

But that was a lie.

The truth was that I didn't love her. I wanted to, but I couldn't. After I moved away from Mikado, I had no one in my life I cared about, or that cared about me. My parents never did, that's for sure. I was okay with that, it was all I had ever known. But I needed someone, one I could care about, and that would care for me.

Mikado was my best friend; he was that one person to me. The only one I needed. And I had to move away from him. We were still chatting and all, but it just wasn't the same. And that's when I started feeling hollow. And created that illusion I so badly wanted to be real. But it was nothing but an illusion. She used me. Or, technically, he used her, and used me through her. But I used her as well. Used her as a substitute. So I guess I got what I deserved. Because she only did it to crush me. Did it so she could destroy me. But I can't blame her. How could I? I was supposed to save her, but I didn't do anything. I was too afraid. Afraid because the illusion I had created was shown to be nothing more than that. An illusion. A lie. And why should I blame her anyway? She wasn't the one to tear me apart. She was only doing as she was being told. Because she only followed her own system, just like I followed mine. And her system was to completely obey him. The person who destroyed me. Orihara Izaya.

I never visited her in the hospital. I couldn't. If I saw her, I'd also see the fact I so badly wanted to deny. There was nobody for me. Except one who had been taken away from me. I was all alone. I had been all alone since I moved away from Mikado.

I left The Yellow Scarves. I went back to school, started studying again and eventually got into Gakuen Raira. And then I asked Mikado to move to Ikebukuro so we could go to high school together. So that everything would be as it once had been. No Scarves, no Saki, no Orihara. Just the two of us.

And that's exactly how everything went. From the looks of it, everything was back to normal. We hanged out as usual; I joked around, picked on girls and acted like I always did when we were younger. Still, it wasn't the same. The past and guilt still followed me wherever I went, but I managed to cover it with my smile. That smile that looked the same to him as when we were kids, but in reality was completely hollow. My soul was completely hollow after the kidnapping incident. I smiled my signature smiles and joked around as usual, but the smiles were always forced, and everything was always an act.

Mikado and I started hanging out with a girl in his class. Anri Sonohara. She's very shy and also a bit mysterious, but she's very nice and the three of us have fun together. Well yeah, "fun". With the definition of having a good time and then feel bad afterward. Every time I have somewhat fun, I always get all depressed afterward.

Why?

Because a girl is hospitalized and can't walk all because of me.

True, she and that devil had it all planned. It was a test I was bound to fail and they both knew it. But that doesn't change the fact that I didn't pass. And I hate myself for it.

I often dreamt about that incident. I dreamt about how it must have been, and how it must be sitting in that hospital bed all day and not being able to walk. Then I had a dream about me visiting her. She was sitting in that hospital bed, same pale smile as always. I opened my mouth to say something when my eyes went to her legs. The blanket that had covered them was suddenly gone, and her legs weren't bandaged. They were covered in blood and a bit bent. My eyes widened with fear and traveled up her body. Now she was lying and she wasn't wearing that hospital gown anymore, no; but that same outfit she wore the night she was kidnapped. My eyes stopped at her face. Her hair, which had been dyed when we were dating but had later regained its original color, had that same fake brown tone as it used to have, her face looked paler than usual and her eyes were shut. She didn't move. I hurried over to her to feel her pulse. I couldn't feel anything. That hollow smile she always had… was gone. There was nothing there. No emotion at all. Not even that hollow smile. She was…

My eyes flung open. I cried out her name. I was sitting in my bed and I was sweating bullets. And that's when I realized it. The truth I had probably known all this time yet had always pushed away. My life is pointless. Even if I wish to live together with Mikado like I used to, I know I can't. It will never be the same. Not after everything that has happened, not after The Yellow Scarves, not after Saki. Not after that devil destroyed me.

I have no reason to live. My life is nothing more than an act. It has no meaning. My existence is completely pointless.

I'd be better off dead.

A/N: As I said, this was only the prologue of the story. The real action begins in the next part, which I will continue on if I get any reviews. I know nothing much happened in this one; this first part was just to explain Kida's feelings that led to his change in character. Oh, and sorry it was so short, I promise to make the next chapter longer. If I don't get any reviews, I'm perfectly fine with just reading and reviewing other people's stories. But if you want to know what happens next, review!

Thanks for reading!