It was hero worship really.

She knew she hadn't actually loved him.

As a girl with little female parenting, she was easily confused when it came to her feelings; she'd get mixed up with romantic love and just being good friends and all that jazz. So if in doubt, she'd try to picture herself kissing the said friend or sitting in their lap or something; if she couldn't, she just wanted to be really good friends with them.

And she couldn't picture herself kissing him.

He was so much older than her. She didn't seriously expect anything to come of it.

It was when they went to Guadosalam that she first noticed. The others had gone to visit the Farplane, while she and Auron waited outside. It was a quiet conversation… well, a fairly nonexistent conversation really. She'd ask him a question, he'd "Hmmph" in reply and occasionally ask something in return (well, actually, he'd only asked her one question; "You really do care for Yuna, huh?" which, she was pretty sure now that she thought about it, was rhetorical question, but to which she'd adamantly replied "Of course!") and then they'd sit for a while in silence.

But during that wait, she'd had a chance to look at him, to really look at him. He'd taken off his glasses to wipe on an old handkerchief and she saw his face properly for the first time.

His eye was a deep amber colour, not unlike the aged sake she'd seen him drink from his hip flask. The other was hideously scarred, but it fascinated her; they were the scars of a warrior. His face had a weathered look about it, as if he'd walked miles and miles through desert, snow, forest and bushland (as she'd known he had). His features, though aged, were handsome. She couldn't help thinking how good-looking he would have been in his youth. She could see his mouth properly now, for once not hidden behind his high collar or the sake bottle he'd often hold to his lips.

As he replaced his glasses, she quickly turned away, and sat silent until the others returned.

So he was handsome (in that sort of gruff, strong, silent type of way)… so what? So what if she couldn't help stealing glances at him when no one was looking? And maybe she had wondered, once, what vydran would say if they ever got married (it was only a one-off, an accidental thought. Nothing serious at all!) It wasn't anything really. But after that time at the Farplane, she couldn't help noticing him enter the room, or leave the group to have a quiet word with Tidus or just to gather his thoughts. She wouldn't go out of her way to make conversation (though she longed to), it would've been too obvious. She didn't think she could stand the shame if anyone found out about her (non-existent. Definitely non-existent) feelings. But she'd always feel disappointed if he didn't come to say something, anything to her (heck, she would've been happy with anything more than 'Let's go')

He was an amazing man though. Hadn't she seen him take down a Nidhogg with one blow? Or carry twice as much as everyone else (except maybe Kimahri) on the Pilgrimage? And the way he dealt with people in town, standing firm to ensure the best for everyone was admirable. Not to mention Rin's story about how he'd left the inn half-dead without a word to anyone…The man was tough. And Rikku admired tough guys.

She remembered being on the Thunder Plains. They'd made slow progress (fiends mostly… her fear of lightning partly, too) and were stuck in the middle of it; too far from to make it to Macalania Forest before nightfall, but there was no way they were going to turn back to Rin's Travel Agency. She'd huddled herself into a ball on the ground and closed her eyes (pathetic, huh?), terrified at the thought at staying in that dreaded storm without a solid roof over her head. Yuna had tried to console her, but she'd refused to get up, to leave the ground (after all, aren't tall objects more likely to be struck by lightning?) The others left her and began pitching tents. The others, except Auron.

"You're just going to sit there, wallowing in fear and self-pity?"

She looked up and saw him arranging rocks in a circle. His hair was plastered to his face, wet from the rain.

"Um…no?"

What a load of shoopuf poop! The only thing she'd rather be doing than hugging the ground would be to sprint all the way back to Guadosalam where it was safe. But she couldn't lose face in front of him.

"So you'll be brave, just like you were at the Travel Agency?" he said dryly, carefully pulling dry wood from his pack.

"Hey! That's not nice!" she cried, sitting up and shivering slightly.

He smirked (well, that's what it looked like, but it was hard to tell with that stupid collar in the way) and took a hollow log and filled it with tinder.

"They always tell of 'fearless heroes who knocked on Death's door' in the old myths. I'm sure they do in Al Bhed ones too."

That's certainly what they said about Bharuda the Bold, Defender of the Desert, the brave Al Bhed knight whose tale she'd loved to hear about when she was young.

"But," he continued, packing more wood around the log. "It's not that they have no fear. The true heroes are the ones who take charge of their own story, who decide to fight their fears and live on."

She watched him finish packing the log with tinder. How would he possibly light a fire in the rain? She thought about what he'd said… She jumped at the crash of thunder in the distance but gritted her teeth. She had to be strong; she had to be brave for Yuna. No more wussiness; what was lightning after all? Just electromagnetic energy that came from the sky and really, really hurt when it hit you and gave you a burning sensation and a huge jolt and … She shook her head. She had to face her fears.

He took a Bomb Fragment from his pocket and began to scrape a knife against it. Bright sparks flew from the dried Bomb husk, but they were failing to catch.

"Wouldn't it be easier to get Yuna or Lulu to cast Fire?" she asked tentatively as he continued to scrape the Bomb Fragment again and again. He didn't reply.

With one last determined strike, the sparks caught hold of the dry grass and twigs inside the log. The flames were bright, but she couldn't see how the now damp logs would catch too.

"Magic fires require large amounts of mana to start and maintain. It's important that they conserve their energy. Especially Yuna."

He carefully arranged the smaller logs around the flames, gently stoking it with a stick. She watched anxiously as the rain came down heavier and heavier...

Half an hour later, they were all eating hot food around the blazing fire. She'd never forget that day she saw him light a fire in the rain (come on, who can light a roaring fire in the middle of the Thunder Plains? Not just anybody, that's for sure) After that, she felt bolder; it was always him she asked for advice on how to wield different weapons, the different fiends, people and places of Spira and just general travel tips.

But then they got to Mt. Gagazet. They were camping in the gorge just before it, resting before they went to explore the Cavern of the Stolen Fayth. Actually, Auron wanted to explore it in the late afternoon, rather than the morning the next day. He said they would make better time, being able to start climbing Mt Gagazet in the morning and have a whole day of sunlight to travel. But Yuna... no, all of them were weary, and with a quiet "So be it," they were camping in the sheltered gorge.

"Auron?" she had asked him tentatively.

She sat down next to him, on the rock by the fire. Lulu, Kimahri and Wakka had turned in already, while Tidus and Yuna were chatting away earnestly at the other side of the campfire.

"You looked lonely," she said in answer to his questioning expression.

"I see."

She hesitated and gazed into the fire, wondering how to phrase her question.

"Auron?"

"Yes?"

"How do you deal with it all?"

"What do you mean?" he asked, not bothering to look up at her.

"Once we get over that mountain...we'll be in Zanarkand. And Yunie, she'll... she'll have to..."

She couldn't finish the sentence.

"That is the fate she chose when she began her training as a summoner," he murmured.

"I know that. But..."

She felt almost ashamed saying the next bit.

"Yunie's not the only one I'm scared for. I'm scared for all of us... I'm scared for me," she added in a whisper.

"You're only fifteen. Remember that. Your fears are understandable for someone your age. But remember also that this is a battle we chose to fight," he answered wisely.

She nodded. He was right; she had chosen to follow Yuna into this. But...

"But what if we die? I want to grow up, to get married, to have children. If I die now, I'll never experience those things."

"So don't die."

She was surprised at his short answer. She had kinda expected, um, something more? Something nicer?

"But...

"Have you spoken to Yuna or Lulu about this?" he asked her, interrupting her before she could say anything more.

"Well, no."

"Maybe you should."

And that suggestion had a finality about it; she didn't argue more.

"They can give you the comfort you seek," he said and then he turned and entered his tent, leaving her alone to ponder that.

The comfort she sought? Then she realised why Auron's answer had dissatisfied her, despite being so logical and wise. She'd wanted comfort, some nice words of encouragement. Heck, she'd wanted recognition too, recognition from him. She could never get that same satisfaction from talking to Lulu or Yuna...

But why did he only suggest the girls, not Wakka or Tidus or Kimahri?

And from then on, she began to suspect he knew. She tried to confide in him again, but he had merely answered "Perhaps you should talk to Yuna or Lulu."

It disappointed her so much. At least he still gave her general advice... but never one-on-one, only if Tidus or Yuna, or somebody, anybody, else was with them. She hated herself for admiring him so much; she didn't expect him to return the feelings (and she was a little bit glad; what kind of man hits on an under-eighteen year old twenty years his junior?) but she couldn't stop herself feeling so disappointed.

So she stopped talking to him. No, not avoiding him or giving him the silent treatment (that was just stupid) but no more going out of her way to talk to him. Maybe a little 'Good morning' every now and then (but that was what she'd greet everyone with) or if they were having a group conversation, but that was it. And then after a while, she wasn't as obsessed with him. Sure, she still had that little patch of emptiness in her heart that he used to fill, but she didn't get that hot. flushed feeling accompanied with a pounding heart anymore. Not so much, anyway. She began to think of other guys; she remembered that boy, Gippal, from Home (who knew where he was now?). And she felt a little rekindling of her initial attraction to Tidus (not that she was going to go there... he was Yuna's) and at one point, she even began to notice how fit Wakka was (but then there was his closed-minded anti-Al Bhed sentiments...plus he was nearly ten years older...and, well, he was Wakka!)

That conversation, that night outside the Cavern of the Stolen Fayth... it seemed like ages... maybe two months... before he really spoke to her again.

"How is that armguard going?"

"Huh? Oh... alright I guess. Hopefully we can collect a few more Arctic Winds tomorrow; it'll be much better then," she'd said, looking up at him from the armour she was customising. She'd been sitting on the ground, thinking about who she was. Who was she, anyway? She wasn't as strong as Auron and Kimahri, nor as skilled at battle as Tidus and Wakka. She didn't have the grace and sheer magical power of the Lulu and Yuna. All she could do was steal vaguely useful items and make jokes. Sure, she had a place, a use sometimes, but they didn't need her. Not really.

"Hmmph," he murmured, turning away from her and her armguard. After a moment of silence, he spoke again.

"You really are important to Yuna."

He wasn't looking directly at her, but at the inky darkness of the sky above, dotted with white stars.

"A summoner's journey is a difficult one, not only physically, but emotionally. You may not realise it, but you really are important to Yuna. You're good company for her; you make her smile and you keep everyone's hopes up in what they see is a bleak and hopeless future."

She stared at him, puzzled but also blushing slightly.

"Oh," she replied quietly. It was as if he could read her mind.

"You're a good companion for Yuna; a girl closer to her own age. She really does appreciate you. You're an important part of the pilgrimage."

"I know..."

She did know they cared about her, but sometimes she couldn't see why; was it just because she was there, and well, they had to care about her. But Auron spelt it out clearly, and for the first time, she felt truly needed, appreciated.

He glanced down at her, while she looked back through the corner of her eye, trying to read him. But the older warrior was stoic as usual, with his collar hiding his face and expression.

"You should go to sleep now. We make an early start tomorrow morning."

She nodded in agreement and replaced the half-finished armguard into her pack. Brushing the dust off her pants, she slung the pack over her shoulder and grinned.

"Aren't you going to bed too?"

He shook his head and sat down on a large boulder nearby.

"I'm keeping watch."

"But you need sleep!"

Auron simply took a sip from his bottle of sake, as if the statement was too mundane for him to dignify it with a reply.

"Yeah, you need to go to bed too, don't you?" she asked.

He didn't respond at all, so Rikku headed back to the tents alone. It wasn't until months later that she figured out why.

And then they did it. They defeated Sin. Forever. Rikku's heart soared as the mighty creatures fell one by one, all while Yuna was still standing strong, still alive.

But then Tidus faded, and Auron passed on the Farplane.

So that was that. Sin was gone forever, but at a price.

Rikku had wept for Tidus. And she had wept for Yuna. But she didn't weep for him. No.

Only one, single teardrop escaped her eyes.

Because he had taught her the importance of smiling for Yuna. And while she did miss him, he had lived his life well; he had done what he promised. He deserved to rest now.

She only wished he could have told her first.

But she grew up, and moved on. That's the advice he would've given her if she'd asked. She had hurt a little (or maybe a lot...) when he passed on, but only a little.

Because she didn't actually love him (or so she told herself...)

Because it was hero worship really.

Anyway, please leave a review (I'm especially iffy about the ending... also... do I write too much in Author's Notes?)

Update (11/3/11): Thanks everyone for the Faves, and especially to Stardust Flare for the advice. The ending's changed now, thanks to you!