The Closet Problem

Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh! Belongs to Kazuki Takahashi. Inspired by "The EFF Hole" scene in Little Kuriboh's YGOTAS Deleted Scenes Montage, along with other references from YGOTAS, Marik's Evil Council of Doom and Bakura responding to YouTube comments. The ideas and the lines taken from the said inspiration do not belong to me. I only continue to ask: "What happens next?"

Chapter One: Kiss Me

Bakura was getting rather tired of their ill-fated Evil Council of Doom meetings. He sincerely enjoyed Marik's company, but they never ever got anything done—be it killing Yugi Motou or furthering their… Whatever their relationship was, it hadn't really moved since they met.

In any case, it was just the two of them today—Pegasus was down with the flu and feeling un-fabulous, Zorc had left him for his new spin-off show, Zombie-boy had defected, Rex and Weevil joined Lumis and Umbra on the promise of meeting chicks on the moon (Bakura didn't even want to know). Dan Green… was being Dan Green, which means he probably forgot and ended up doing Dan Green things instead (Translation: Bakura didn't care). The evil teddy bear was in America with the little blonde-haired girl, so they probably wouldn't see that thing for quite some time.

Marik really was just as obnoxious as he usually was. Bakura had him completely tuned out—it became a habit after a while; he was there for the eye candy really. Marik was undeniably pretty and Bakura was really itching to get some. He'd been looking for gay people for quite some time now, but after hitting so many dead ends he was pretty content to stick with Marik despite the closet problem. He hadn't had the need to use his gaydar since.

However, it was getting harder and harder (excuse the pun) to continue feigning interest in the absurd plans of the Egyptian teenager while fantasizing about him in broad daylight. Bakura had yet to come up with a solution to the closet problem, seeing as Marik opposed his sex-change-operation plan.

Meanwhile, Marik continued to loudly present his grand idea: "Let us join forces Bakura and together we will use our combined strength to tear Yugi Motou a new fuck hole."

This looked promising. Bakura decided to twist Marik's words.

"What the bloody hell is a fuck hole?"

Marik gaped, "What?"

"That thing you just said." Bakura tried to hide his smile, "What is it?"

"A fuck hole?"

"Yes." Bakura raised his hands, feigning defeat, "That."

"Well it's obvious, isn't it?" Marik asked.

"Enlighten me."

"Well it's," Marik glared, "the hole that you fuck."

"So you mean a vagina?"

"Of course, what else would I fuck?"

"I don't know, bottoms?" Bakura suggested.

"EUGH~" Marik spat, "For the last friggin' time I do not partake in that sort of nonsense. I only fuck vaginas because I'm totally straight!" He stood up straight and arched his head to the sky, "Ooh! Look at me and my straightness!"

"Okay, so, what you're saying is…" Bakura decided to humour Marik, "We're going to tear Yugi Motou a new vagina."

"Uh." Marik paused, "Yes. T-that is totally what I meant."

"I wasn't aware he had an old vagina."

"Oh shut your face Bakura!"

"Kiss my ass Marik!"

Marik paused again, "But there's poop down there."

"No, there isn't," Bakura shot back, amused at the way the conversation was spinning, "I should know because I had a bowel moment earlier today and I probably won't be having another one until my next meal."

"Ew! Bakura!" Marik grimaced and scowled, "I really didn't need to know that."

"I'm just letting you know that I'm clean."

"Look it doesn't matter about your…" Marik stopped, hesitant to talk about Bakura's bowels, "That's still where the poop comes out of. It's an out-hole, Bakura."

"Then kiss my tailbone. There's no poop there."

"What? But it's…" Marik glowered, "It's like, in the general vicinity."

Bakura raised his arms again, "I assure you Marik, my ass is perfectly clean."

"Auuugh," Marik let out another groan, "I already told you Bakura: I'm not gay."

"I never said you were. But since we're friends, I was just wondering how far I could go with you."

"Bakura! Friends don't do those things to one another!"

"Some do. The ones with benefits."

"Benefits?"

"Yes."

"Uh," Marik paused again, "what kind of benefits?"

"The experimental kind. Why don't I show you?" Bakura grinned, "Since you think my ass is dirty, I bet yours must be clean."

"No, mine is definitely not clean either." Marik retorted quickly, "What are you planning on doing?"

"Oh I figured you needed a demonstration. If you won't kiss my ass, I can kiss yours."

"No one's kissing me anywhere down there, Bakura." Marik held both hands into fists, "That's just dirty."

"Then how about above?"

"Above?"

"Your tailbone. Or maybe either side. Do you deem your cheeks clean?"

"What? No! Bakura, let's just…" Marik desperately tried to find a way to change the conversation, "continue our plan to defeat Yugi Motou. Yes."

"By ripping him a new vagina," Bakura mocked, "yes."

"No! We're not ripping him a new vagina. I changed my mind about that one."

"Okay, then what's your new plan?"

"We will uh…" Marik scoured his brain for his next evil idea, "we will kidnap his favourite cereal box! Yes. Then Yugi Motou will have to find something else for breakfast and he will be so disappointed!"

"He could just go shopping for another cereal box."

"But it will never be the same. Come on Bakura, admit it; it's fucking foolproof!"

Bakura inwardly cursed himself for allowing Marik to regain control of the conversation. He was going to have to work really hard to reverse the change and get what he wanted.

"Yes, Marik," he agreed, "Yugi will have a momentary flash of sadness and loss, then go back to being happy-go-lucky as always. Foolproof."

"Hey don't make fun of my plan. It's the best one I've come up with so far."

Yes, Bakura thought to himself, Marik had a long, long way to go. This guy was so deep in the closet he would have to go around the back and break it open to pull him out from the other side.

"Then," Marik continued, "we will drink all his milk, so he will be unable to get the calcium he needs to grow any taller."

"He's already a midget," Bakura sighed, "milk or no milk."

"But he'll feel like even more of a midget than usual! It will be totally awesome!"

"I'll tell you what's awesome," Bakura promptly walked over to Marik, "this."

Giving the Egyptian no time to come up with a witty comeback, Bakura pressed his lips against Marik's.

As expected, Marik freaked out.

"Wha-WHAT! WAIT—Hold everything!" He screamed into the air and grabbed his Millennium Rod from behind his back to thrust it in front of his face in defense, "You did not just do what I think you did."

"I believe I did just do what you did not think I did."

"Bakura!" Marik cried, "Stop coming on to me—I told you I like women!"

"Then why don't you just pretend I'm a girl?"

"B-but," Marik stammered, "you're not!"

"Are my lips too dirty for you?"

"What? No!" Marik shouted without thinking, then, "I mean yes! God! Now you've gone and…"

"What," Bakura cocked his head curiously, "did I get your lips dirty?"

"Yes you did you poop-head!" Marik really needed to expand his insult vocabulary.

"Well now you must have no problem kissing my ass then."

"What? No!" Marik was still repulsed by the thought. "Where is your mind going Bakura? I already told you I do not partake in this sort of nonsense!"

"Says the guy who reads yaoi."

"Hey fuck off!" Marik demanded, "What I read is my personal business. You can't judge me."

Such a whiner, Bakura shook his head, "Not judging. Seriously, Marik, are you turning down my offer? I happen to take offense."

Marik stared at Bakura. Sure the guy was fucking hot and wait. What was he thinking? He tried to come up with an answer, "I… I don't want you to take offense. But I just don't think this sort of thing is…"

"What? You don't think it's safe?"

"Well I mean it's not natural."

"Who says?"

"Everybody!"

"I don't."

"You don't count!"

"And why not?"

"You're…" Marik struggled to get the word out, "You're gay."

"So that makes me unnatural?"

"Yes."

"And so you can't trust me?"

"No!" Marik cried, trying to keep his head cool, "It's just, I don't want to do it. There. It's as simple as that."

"So you wouldn't mind if I took offense at you finding me unattractive and go for some other man…"

"Wait!" Marik really didn't want Bakura to leave.

"Or I could find you a girlfriend and get off watching you screw her—

—NO!" Marik shouted. He really didn't want that.

"So what is it that you want Marik?" Bakura asked, angry, "Because I'm not going to keep tagging along with your group just for your pretty face. I've already had my fill of that and I want something more."

Marik wasn't prepared to answer this. He was really hoping that things would stay as they always did. Why did Bakura have to ask for more all of a sudden?

"I want um… I want…"

Bakura tapped his foot impatiently, "I'm waiting."

"I want you to kiss me." Marik quickly blurted, embarrassed.

"Again?" Bakura asked, just to make sure he heard right.

"Yes." Marik let the heat on his cheeks show. "You heard me."

Bakura moved in to do so, but Marik continued his orders, "On the lips—nowhere else! And definitely nowhere below the waist or I'll clobber you with my Rod!"

"Gladly," Bakura grinned wickedly. Finally, progress!

Marik kept going, "And you're not my boyfriend or anything. We're still just friends, um—

—with benefits." Bakura finished for him.

"Yes." Marik agreed, "That. And you will not touch me with your hands anywhere."

"Yes, yes." Bakura noticed Marik's shoulders tense as he closed the gap between their faces. He was going to have to do his best with just his lips.