Dreams of a Time Lord

I have not had good dreams since I was eight. The Untempered Schism was a glimpse into Time itself—no wonder that some go mad. The greater wonder is that some say sane.

The nightmares are always worse when I'm alone. Just knowing that there's another person in the TARDIS helps in the moments I wake up from a nightmare. And I calm myself by speaking as if to a child, "Someone's in the next room, they'll hear you, go back to sleep. You're safe." But the last part is always a lie.

Regardless of how full the TARDIS is, the nightmares continue. I am surrounded by the ghosts of all those who died for me or at my hand. And I wonder if, as some say, anything comes after the last death, and what might await me there.

I'm too young to be so old. My body is ages younger than my brain—even my eyes. But all the things these eyes have seen since that day on Gallifrey…so many things; a thousand alien sunrises on strange planets, a hundred battles over silly disputes, and so much more.

Sometimes I dream of regeneration; every single one cycles through my mind with all the pain, dread, and furious emotions.

Dreamless nights are rare mercies, the one time I don't carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. But the draughts of Lethe never last long enough. Sometimes the dreams start out well—better than the truth, but then they bit savagely with renewed venom.

I save Astrid, but the Daleks murder her.

Jenny lives, but she ends up trapped in the Time War, dying over and over.

Donna remembers safely, but the Weeping Angels rip her apart and speak with her annoying, demanding, fantastic voice.

Sometimes I dream of Gallifrey as it was when I was young, before the word "time" held such terror. Of the peaceful days before I stole the TARDIS. But then the horror of the Time War rushes in, complete with the panic of an entire civilization falling apart. And the whole planet whispers, "It was you, Doctor. You did this to your people!"

Last of the Time Lords.

I can't escape it, not even in my sleep.

All my dreams are nightmares.