Author's Note: I should probably say that the song that played in my head during the writing of this was Don McLean's "American Pie". To be honest, I've barely heard the song. The thing stuck in my head at the time was Weird Al Yankovic's brilliant Star Wars rewrite of it, titled The Saga Begins.

Eight, nine beers ago
I would not tell you what I know
of Alton, master mage's lair.
After all we had been through
A visit there seemed the thing to do
But he was not even remotely fair...

We were some pair, me and Fillas, yet
The guards alone would almost kill us
I feinted some and ran past
- And did not like the forecast:
F. told me it was time to go
I started lagging, wouldn't you know
But on I went, if somewhat slow,
And got a scar to show.

(chorus)
Oh why, why did I go there to die?
I ran out of light; leaving the site,
The CLOSED door's nearby
This fellow, Alton, packs a horrible bite
It was going to be a rather short fight
Was going to be a rather short fight...

Now you see, this early grave's
Keeping Mortus laughing even today
From Alton's lair I've stayed away.
Lars tells me it's long time no see
Would seeing Razar interest me?
Gaius's plotting with him, I know, has to be!

Now we have anniversary
Going way back, this old scar and me
(As long as we go free
Who needs Reality?)

There is so much more to see and do
I still haven't met with Manitou
This time I'll bring a fire gem, too -
Unseen things do hurt you!

One might be wond'ring:

Why, why did I go there to die... (etc)