A/N: Okay, after yesterdays episode i had to write this. The way they all treated Rachel was horrible and it pissed me off so much and really made me want Jesse to come back. So here's how that kind of played out in my head. (and I'm ignoring the next episode b/c it looks like they just ignore how they treated Rachel so anyway...)
Rachel walked down the street her head swimming. She'd been trying to keep it all in, Christmas was a time to happy after all but it was getting too much. She couldn't keep pretending to be happy in front of her Dad's and despite how good an actress she is, she could tell that they were starting to see through her. Looking up, Rachel realised that she didn't actually know where she had walked to. Slumping down on the side of the street she tried to ignore the feelings welling up inside of her.
It hadn't bothered her at first, the little comments from Quinn and Santana, even sometimes from Mercedes, and then occasionally Artie would chime in as well and Tina always had a bit to say. She tried to give as good as she got, to pretend that she didn't hear them or as if they didn't bother her. Then there was Finn, he wasn't her boyfriend anymore but he didn't join in with them, he didn't stop them either though. The only person who had ever stuck up for her was Puck and that was a beam of light on the otherwise horrible day of sectionals. At the same time though, she didn't know how much that was his deciding to be nice and feeling an obligation after what had happened between them, but it was something at least.
She had never felt as vindicated as she had over that week but looking back she realised that it was only because it had been in such a high concentration. It had always been there, even her teacher. Surely teachers were supposed to be impartial and not snap at a student like that merely for annoying them.
Rachel knew that she was annoying and high maintenance and selfish, but if she didn't look after herself there was no one else who would. She had wanted to quit glee club before they broke up for Christmas but knew that they would only think she was being dramatic. Flashes of sectionals and the days leading up to it went through her mind and she can't even remember a time when she felt so miserable. Even Jesse hadn't made her feel that bad because at least then she had felt like she had the support of the glee club but thinking on it more closely now, they were probably more concerned with the affront to New Directions than her.
She stood up feeling more angry until she saw across the street Finn and the rest of New Directions walking into the cinema. Suddenly she felt the tears pouring down her face. Until two seconds ago she had kept up the hope that she at least had a couple of friends in Glee club but now it didn't feel that way at all. They had all gone out together but they hadn't invited her. She checked her phone just in case but there were no texts or missed calls.
Sullenly, she started walking in the opposite direction, she didn't want them to see her. She did have her pride. Keeping her head down she headed off back the way she came after figuring where she was and how to get home. She heard a group laughing and talking coming towards her so she moved to the side of the pavement so they wouldn't bump into her or see her crying. She passed them silently not looking up once.
She noticed one of them stop but carried on walking herself. "You guys go on, I'll catch up with you later."
Recognising the voice, Rachel began walking even faster trying to pull herself together in case he caught up with her. She didn't want him to see how upset she was, it would probably make him happy. She felt a hand on her arm. She hadn't wiped her face yet, she was still trying to control the new ones that were starting to fall. She tried to pull free but he held on.
"Rachel." He spoke reverently and she was taken aback.
"What? Do you want to throw more eggs at me?" She spat, surprising herself with the fire in her voice. Apparently not him though because although his eyes clouded with shame his expression didn't change. He had been expecting this reaction. He didn't realise the weak girl he had stumbled upon.
"No, Rachel I wanted to say I'm sorry."
"Well I don't want to hear it. I don't want any apologies. I'm just fed up of-" Rachel stopped herself mid-rant, not wanting to tell Jesse everything the minute she saw him again just because he was the only one that had truly understood her. Mentally slapping herself for the thought, she quickly turned on her heel and sped off ignoring Jesse calling her name.
After her run in with Jesse she couldn't get him out of her mind. He was the only person who she had felt (for however briefly) was completely hers. New Directions didn't care for him and he returned the feeling. He understood her diva moments, knew how to calm her down and always treated her and her dreams as important. Like they meant something to him as well and she didn't have to go everything alone. But he was lying. Right? And she loved Finn. Yes, she loved Finn. But it was so frustrating when she had to explain her favourite musical and tell him over and over which parts she wanted to play on Broadway. She was pretty sure that if she asked Jesse he would still remember. Convincing herself that she just wanted to get the truth out of Jesse Rachel left her house, sneaking out after her parents had gone to bed.
She headed over to Jesse's hoping that he was in and not out with friends while back for the holidays. Rachel got to his front door and knocked quietly, not wanting to wake his parents. After waiting for a few moments, Rachel began to change her mind. As she turned away from the door she heard it open.
"Rachel?" Jesse asked confused.
Building up her confidence, Rachel turned around, took in the uncertainty on his face and reached up and kissed him. She felt him kissing her back. She couldn't understand why he was kissing her back. What reason did he have to kiss her back.
Pulling away, reluctantly, from his lips she spoke. "Can I come in?"
He nodded and Rachel was sure that it was the only time she had seen him speechless.
"Are your parents here?" She asked.
He shook his head. "No my father went away on business and my mom decided to join him. Why bother being home when your only child comes back after three months away?" He asked bitterly and Rachel looked at him sympathetically.
"So we're alone?" She asked coyly, not even sure what she herself was doing. Before he had time to answer, Rachel kissed him again and again he kissed her back. They made their way up the stairs to his bedroom and ended up lying on his bed. Before he knew what was happening Rachel was unbuttoning his shirt.
"What are you doing?" He asked, pulling away from her.
She didn't answer but he saw her mutter something under her breath.
"What are you saying?" He asked gently. He knew something was wrong, first she was crying when he bumped into her today even if she tried to hide it and now she just turned up at his house out of the blue clearly wanting to do more than kiss. Something was definitely wrong.
"I'm so stupid. Of course, you don't want me. You've made that perfectly clear before. I'm sorry, I'll just leave now."
"Rachel, no. Believe me, I want you, but this isn't you."
"I don't want to be me." She spoke desperately.
"Why the hell not?" Jesse asked, completely nonplussed. When she didn't answer he carried on. "You're amazingly talented, you're beautiful, you're smoking hot-"
"I'm annoying, selfish, my nose is too big, everyone hates me."
"What? Rachel no one-"
"Yes they do!" Her voice was getting higher with emotion. "They're only pretending."
"I don't hate you."
"Then why did you do what you did? Why did you promise me that it wasn't a lie and then rip it out from under me? Why did you humiliate me? Why did you turn on me?"
He sighed. He knew that he hurt her but he was beginning to feel that he wasn't the only one.
"I never meant for any of that to happen but my team thought that was why I was with you so when they asked me to come back I had to and they wouldn't let me just leave. We had to psyche you out as well and as the best one in that club they wanted to go after you alone. I didn't want to do it and i have no idea why I did. I'm so sorry. If you never believe anything I ever say, believe that."
Rachel was silent for a few moments digesting what he said. They were standing face to face next to his bed and Rachel willed down her feelings, wanting to just get back to kissing him but all the hurt he caused her pushed it's way forward.
"If you didn't come after me to mess with New Directions then why did you?"
Jesse looked at the ground guiltily.
"Please be honest with me Jesse."
"Shelby asked me to become friends with you." He spoke quickly, glancing up to see her reaction which even to him was unfathomable.
"What? Why?"
"She wanted to know you but she'd agreed with your Dads that she wouldn't contact you until you were eighteen unless you tried to find her first. I put the tape in the box, she knew that it want to make you want to find her."
"But she turned me away. She was the one who didn't want a relationship."
"I know and when I found out I was so angry. You could have been spared everything I put you through if she had just realised that before."
"Why did you do it?"
"Shelby and I had always been close and I thought it would be a good way to hone my acting skills. I never expected to actually care about you, fall for you."
"I don't believe that. If you cared about me you wouldn't have done all those things to me."
"You were using me to get to Finn, I knew that. I used it to justify and fuel my anger. I'm sorry, it wasn't fair."
Jesse observed her flinching when he said Finns name and decided now he might be able to get something out of you.
"So, are you going to tell me what's wrong?"
She bit her lip and shook her head.
"Rachel, come on. We can try and be friends."
"I did care about you too. I promise." She told him sincerely and he nodded. He held his hand out to her and she placed hers in his and he pulled her down to sit on the bed next to him. Freeing his hand from hers, he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close.
"What happened? Why are you so upset." He spoke gently.
"The one thing I have is my voice. I know I'm not well liked and I get on peoples nerves. I know that I don't have any real friends in Glee club but it just feels like any time I say anything they all just jump on it and make me feel bad. I don't mean it if I sound condescending, well most of the time I don't, and I thought they knew that by now. I thought they knew me and accepted me like everyone in glee accepts each other whatever their faults, but it just feels like mine are worse than everyone elses and they have no problem with letting me know this all the time."
Jesse gripped her shoulder tight as her tears began falling. He cursed everyone in that stupid club for not realising how amazing she really is.
"They're all against me. They all knew that Finn slept with Santana last year but not one of them told me."
"I thought they didn't sleep together."
"Turns out we both lied, I told him I slept with you and he said he didn't sleep with Santana, but I told him the truth months ago because I thought he deserved to know but he couldn't do me the same courtesy?" Jesse ignored the pang of hurt he felt when Rachel brazenly explained how she had used him to get to Finn. "None of them understood why I was upset either, they looked at me like I was being ridiculous. But how could I ever compete with Santana, who would want me instead of Santana?"
"Any guy with a brain? That may not include Finn, but I assure you, you're amazing. Any guy would be lucky to have you. I'm sorry I wasted my chance." Jesse saw that his words had made Rachel smile and he felt a small victory. He had meant every word.
"Mr Schuester took away my solo too. Not that I wanted to sing with Finn but I didn't get one solo. He gave them to Quinn and Santana."
"Will Schuester is an idiot. You don't put stars in the back, they'll begin to fade. I would hate to see that happen to you. It's part of the reason that I did want to go back to Vocal Adrenaline. He's too busy trying to make everyone feel like they're a part of it that ignores the real talent he has."
"He's just as bad as the rest of them. I know he doesn't like me, the only reason he puts up with me is because I can sing. I'm sure that if he didn't need the numbers then would probably get rid of me."
"If I were you I'd beat him to the punch. VA are still looking for a new lead, why don't you transfer."
"What about Sunshine?"
"It turns out she's not very reliable."
Rachel leaned more onto Jesse and started playing with his fingers. It was a little habit she had picked up when they were dating and Jesse was sure he had never felt anything as good as this. "I can't leave." She sighed. "Kurt just transferred to Dalton academy and they would just think that I was copying, and a new school wouldn't be any different. Not to mention that I would then be team mates with people who egged me."
Not knowing what to say considering how she finished the sentence he just rubbed her arm soothingly.
"Well, I'm here for you whatever you need. If you ever want someone to talk to just call me, Don't even worry about the time difference."
They carried on talking throughout the night. Jesse told her about UCLA and she told him the rest of what had happened with Finn and Puck. Rachel felt comfortable around someone again and she really didn't want him to go back to college. They spent almost every day of the holidays (except Christmas day) together. Just enjoying each others company and really getting to know each other without any games or manipulations or reasons other than wanting to be around each other. Nothing romantic had happened since that first night but Rachel had been right, Jesse remembered everything she had ever told him. It was that above anything else that earned him her trust back and convinced her that he had truly cared about her.
Soon it was time for Jesse to go back to California and Rachel couldn't stop herself from crying when they said goodbye. It was emotional and dramatic and completely them. They even exchanged I love you's. The non-romantic kind of course, or at least that's what they convinced themselves.
When she went back to school Rachel didn't seem to mind that she had to be alone. A lot of the time she and Jesse were texting anyway. In glee club she mostly stayed quiet and took solos when they were handed to her. Mr. Schuester had praised her on her new behaviour but she merely scoffed. If he thought she was doing this for the club then he was deluded. She was more focused on herself than ever. She would get noticed in glee club, if there was anyone out there to notice her but she wouldn't have to be a part of the group. They didn't want her anyway. Finn had tried to talk to her after the break but she angrily brought up their cinema trip and Finn quickly stopped talking. He kept trying to get back in her good graces but everyone had noticed her new, slightly more hardened self and he slowly began to back off, not understanding what had happened.
Rachel, after a lot encouragement from Jesse was also auditioning for anything she could in and around Ohio and her Dad's were very supportive of this. She also started seeing more of Kurt, he was the only one apart from Jesse who she was her normal self around it was nice, it also meant that Kurt was convinced that Finn was going crazy with his descriptions of this new Rachel.
By the time regionals rolled around, New Directions were better than ever and Rachel had her solo back. She was opening with a ballad. She had rejected Mr. Schue's over done 'coming in through the audience' routine and said she wanted to do the ballad alone on stage.
Nerves were running high back stage but Rachel was calm. Her solo was going to be amazing, if they messed up the rest, she would still shine. She would definitely not let any of them cause her to fade.
Waiting behind the curtain alone was lonely and she remembered waiting with Finn last year and him telling her that he loved her, but instead of making her swell with confidence it just left a bittersweet taste in her mouth.
As soon as the curtain rose Rachel saw Jesse sitting in one of the middle rows. Her breath caught in her throat, she wasn't expecting him to be there and he saw by his smile that he knew that. She sent him a wide grin just as the music started.
She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down
It had been Jesse's idea for her to sing this song. She hadn't actually heard it before but it Jesse thought it was fitting for her. He had told her that she was the strongest person he knew.
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
She moved forward really getting into the song. Her eyes not leaving Jesse's.
She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
The rest of New directions joined her on the stage as the song was ending. They then performed a rendition of Starship's 'Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now' and Queen's 'Don't Stop Me Now' yet all anyone could talk about was the amazing solo that started the performance.
As they had last year, they all stood grouped together next to the other show choirs nervously awaiting the results. Rachel wasn't even fully paying attention, her eyes were just with Jesse who was smiling up at her. She didn't know if any of the others had seen him there and she didn't really care either.
"And in first place and going on to Nationals in New York is..."
Jesse winked at her and she suddenly lost all her nerves, they were going to win. She knew it.
"...for the fifth time in a row, Vocal Adrenaline!" The cheering next to her was deafening and it felt even worse than the year before. She slumped down, until she realised the announcer was still speaking.
"As some of you may know there was much debate over whether to include an extra award to this competition. An individual prize that would acknowledge a single persons talents. It was decided that this award would be optional and only awarded if the judges particularly felt that someone deserved it."
Rachel saw all the groups stand to attention, all hoping to be the one that the judges noticed and looking back to her own club she noticed most of them trying to conceal their hope that it was them. Rachel however was still slumped, she wasn't going to get it. She was too obvious, she had pushed herself so far in front that the judges would definitely look to the back for a hidden gem or some such rubbish.
"This person impressed the judges and audience greatly and was hypnotising to watch." The head judge spoke. "The award for Outstanding Individual Contribution goes to... Rachel Berry of New Directions."
Rachel stood up straight, she noticed that the rest of her club were clapping politely but it didn't matter. Jesse had stood up, whistled and cheered and suddenly the whole room was standing for her. She knew now that the rest of New Directions had seen him but she didn't care. She stepped forward to accept her award and smiled gratefully. She actually surprised herself with how humble she was acting. The judge bid everyone a goodnight and everyone started to leave. Rachel ran down off the stage, ignoring the lame congratulations her team mates were offering and straight into Jesse's arms.
"You were incredible. Was I right about that song or what?" He teased.
"I did it! I won something that my Dad's didn't make." Her smile was so big that she was practically lighting up the whole room and Jesse couldn't stop himself. He kissed her, right there at the front of the theatre with all of her glee club standing there watching, shocked.
"I'm so proud of you."
"Thank you." She said her arms still wrapped around his neck, where they had jumped to when he had kissed her.
"I just need to go get my stuff from back stage." She gave a quick kiss and headed backstage, ignoring the looks she was getting from everyone else.
"You're dating Jesse again?" Finn shouted outraged.
"No, I don't know, I haven't been." Rachel defended.
"Did you know he was going to be here?"
"No, it was a surprise." She answered Mercedes.
"Did you keep in touch with him? After everything?" Tina asked.
"We got back in touch over Christmas but I don't see how its any of your business what I do or who I see."
"We care about you. He treated you horribly."
Rachel just stared at them incredulously. "You're joking right?"
They all just stared at her.
"No, have you forgotten what he did to you?" Finn asked her.
"No and neither has he. He apologised and explained it all a long time ago and whether you agree or not, it's my choice whether I want to forgive him or not."
"Wow, and I thought you couldn't get any more pathetic." Quinn said.
"You can't even see how much you've changed since he came back into your life." Artie said.
"I'm myself with the people who accept me for myself and that isn't any of you. Do you really want to know why I changed how I was acting?" She looked around at the room. "Because I was fed up of the way I was getting treated for being myself. You all defended Kurt when it was happening to him, you were his support system and I don't begrudge him that, but it was all of you who did it to me. Well not all of you." She smiled at Puck who nodded back at her. "I was tired of feeling like someone you were putting up with. You know for the last term I've wanted to be around as little as you've wanted me around. The only reason I didn't leave is because I enjoy performing. I might not get friendship and camaraderie our of glee club like the rest of you but I do get the chance to perform and that's enough for me. Now if you'll excuse me." She gathered her things and started to leave.
"Rachel, that's not fair-"
"No you saying that isn't fair. Do you think I was just talking about my fellow glee clubbers? You're my teacher Mr Schuester but you never stopped them, not once. You even did it sometimes. So don't tell me that I'm not being fair."
She sighed and looked down.
"Glee club is supposed to be a place where everyone is accepted. So why aren't I?"
She walked out of the room to where Jesse was waiting for her and they made their way to his car.
"I have something for you." He said, pulling a CD out of his glove compartment.
"What is it?" She asked nervously.
"Put it in and see." So she did and a few notes played before she head Jesse's voice singing Bruno Mars' Just The Way You Are.
Rachel just listened and let the lyrics sink in, her hand not leaving Jesse's.
Wow, that ended up a lot longer, different and cheesier than I had planned but it kind of helped get out the annoyance at the last episode. =] hope you enjoyed.