Of Dreams and Claddagh Rings: Letting Go

"I got you a little present. The guy at the retroshop said that it represents friendship and that is something I would very much like to have with you," Scott told Buffy. "You like?"

Smiling, Buffy opened up the jewelry box. She stared at the gift inside.

A claddagh ring.

Angel.

A thousand thoughts flooded her mind. //"It's a claddagh ring. The hands represent friendship, the crown represents loyalty... and the heart... Well, you know... Wear it with the heart pointing towards you. It means you belong to somebody."//

The offensive silver ring still sat there, reminding Buffy. //"Now that's everything, huh? No weapons... No friends... No hope. Take all that away... and what's left?" "Me."//

Memories invaded all her senses. Memories of Angel, of Angelus. Of his hands, his mouth, his eyes. Oh, God, his eyes. //"Close your eyes."//

His kisses, the last kiss, his eyes. They were asking her, begging to know what they had done that was so awful that Buffy had had to do what she had done. Begging to know why she had impaled him with a sword. Wanting to know why she had killed him. Eyes that pleaded with her, asking what he had done to deserve to be sent to Hell by one whom claimed his love.

A seemingly innocent token of affection by Scott, one who meant no harm, brought all this to the Slayer's mind. With its presencet, all the buried accusations came bubbling up again, bursting through the barriers she had erected to keep her sanity. Once again, Buffy remembered all that she had tried to forget.

The Slayer couldn't take any more. In the split second it took for her eyes to see the ring, everything came back. The petit blond let the box slip through her fingers and fall to the floor. She backed away from the faultless object as if it were a poisonous snake.

The teen knew that she had hurt Scott. She could see the pain in his eyes.

//"Close your eyes."//

Buffy couldn't help it; it wasn't his fault. But she also could not explain it, there was no way he would understand. Idly, she wondered if perhaps that hurt him just as much as her rejection did. But her main thoughts were still trapped in her own personal hell. The hell Buffy believed she belonged in.

Another part of her brain realized that Scott needed some kind of explanation. Buffy was aware of saying something, but, looking back, she could never remember what she had actually said. All she remembered was an urgent need to get out of there.

Buffy had run into her Watcher. Of course she would run into Giles. The Slayer wanted nothing more than to get away from there, but he wouldn't let her. The last person she wanted to see always showed up at the worst possible time. 'Fate has something against me,' she decided, 'and Lady Luck turns her back on me every chance she gets.' Mumbling one thing or another, Buffy turned and left.

Then she ran.

She ran as fast as her Slayer muscles would allow her to go. She ran to get away from it all, much like on that fateful day last June. She ran, hoping against hope that if she could just go fast enough, she just might be able to leave her memories behind her. Perhaps she could go faster than the pain and the nightmares that plagued her.

Night after night it was the same thing. The scene was sometimes different, the words changed, but in the end, it was always the same.

//"Close your eyes."//

She dreamt of her beloved. She dreamt of them together again, for all eternity. She dreamt that nothing stood between them.

She dreamt of the claddagh ring, that little silver band that symbolizes their love more than words ever could. She dreamt of the heart on the ring, a heart that said those three life-changing words a thousand times in one glance. I Love You.

And every night, she heard those other three life-shattering words over and over again. The last words she spoke to her lover. Close Your Eyes. After those words, their bond breaks, their relationship is torn apart. The ring falls to the ground and their love forgotten.

Every night she relived her betrayal and every night she looked at the accusing eyes of her cherished and was unable to say why she had done it. Every night she listened to her sweetheart change, to accuse and condemn her for murdering him.

Buffy believed that she deserved it. She thought that it was her own version of Hell, one that she would belong in for as long as she lived. For as long as Angel was in Hell, the Slayer would be with him every night in her dreams.

Buffy hadn't been able to run away from her past after all. She never would. She had only been able to run home. She was in front of her house now. The blond girl stood there for several minutes, letting an odd feeling of joy run through her. There were many times in the last few months when she had thought that she would never see this place again.

It took awhile for Buffy to actually enter the house. She called out to her mother, but there was no response. Joyce was still working, which was probably a good thing, because the Slayer was in no mood for dealing with Joyce worrying right then. Too much had happened to her and she hadn't been able to put the pieces back together yet.

Making her way upstairs, she remembered how easy she had thought it would be. The runaway had been naïve and had assumed that when she returned home everything would be better. She had thought that they would just pick up where they had left off as if nothing had happened.

She had been wrong. Nothing was the same and nothing would ever be the same again. The adolescent girl did not want to die, but she admitted to herself that that would be the only way it would ever end. That thought scared her. She didn't want to have to live like this for the rest of her life.

Feeling very tired, Buffy lied down and closed her eyes. The Slayer fell into the first dreamless sleep she had had in a long time.

* * *

Buffy woke up feeling oddly refreshed. She hadn't felt that good in ages. While she had been sleeping, her problems seemed to have sorted themselves out. She knew what she had to do.

Step one was fairly easy. Buffy waited outside of Scott's class until he came out, then explained everything. She held her breath when he turned and walked away, afraid that she had ended the potential relationship before it had even started. But at the last moment he turned around. They would be doing the normal dating thing after all.

Step two was telling Giles the truth of what happened. She said the rehearsed speech, then left as quickly as she could, but not before seeing the look of immense pity on Willow's face.

Step three was the hardest. Buffy turned back a dozen times and more until she finally made it to the abandoned warehouse where it had all happened. Where her life had been shattered and where the nightmares had started.

It was time to let go. She could not cling on to a memory for her whole life. She must move on. This was the only way she knew how.

It was one of the worst moments of the Slayer's life, right up there with facing the Master and killing Angel. In some ways, she would rather face Kokistos again rather than do this.

Her Angel was no more. Buffy knew that she had to face the facts. He was not coming back ever. She killed him and she had to live with that. There weould be no second chances, no forgiveness.

She had to get rid of all the ties, though. Buffy knew she would never fully move on if she didn't. The only way to do that was to get rid of the symbol of their love.

'This is for you, Angel my love. This symbol of our love that you gave to me that night an eternity ago when we crossed the forbidden boundaries into a cursed land. I now give it back to you, lay it down on your grave. Know that I'll never forget you, that you'll always have a piece of my heart.

'Know also that I cannot live my life in the past. I can't love a memory. I must move on in my life. I have to let go to that which I can never see again.

'Know that I love you now, and I will love you forever.'

* * *

Buffy lay down the silver ring and walked away, not once looking back. Her footsteps echoed through the silent hall. She walked out the door as a flash of light brightened the house. Facing the other way, she never saw the gates of Hell open and drop a broken man into the room from where it had once taken him. Buffy turned her back on the house and never found out that the lover she thought gone forever did in fact live.

She never saw that with the claddagh ring given out of love brought back the cursed vampire.

Buffy never knew that Angel had returned.

The End

Trinity Day
Revised November 5, 2000