A/N: Mmm. Writers block. Ideas for new chapters are forming in my head, I just can't for the life off me get them down on paper. Still, I wrote this a while ago when I woke up in the middle of the night after having a weird dream about Halo (note to self: never stay up playing halo and drinking cheap energy drink ever again). I'm not going to name you (because I have no idea if you're okay with it), but many thanks for convincing me this isn't the usual crap which comes out of my head when I try to write at 3AM. You know who you are ;).
Garrus Vakarian knows he's in a videogame, he just pretends not to know...
Garrus was useless at calibrations: No matter how hard he tried or how many days he laboured, the Mako would always misfire tragically on uneven surfaces or slopes.
"Garrus, I need to ask you something,"
Garrus spun around and his heart skipped a beat as he saw Mary-Sue Shepard; her violet eyes, framed by her glimmering silver hair, held a worried expression.
"Do you think my spinning-roundhouse-into-back-kick should be aimed slighty higher..."
She demonstrated.
"...or slightly lower."
Both times were twice as perfect as each other. She returned to the balls of her feet, her stance impeccable.
"Uh... I don't know?"
"Oh, I'm sorry to ask Garrus!" She flew into his arms. Gingerly he wrapped his arms around her. "I know it's a weird question; it's just ever since my master sacrificed himself to save me back on Mindoir, I've vowed to make it up to him by mastering Karate. Not a chapter goes by when I don't have an involved monologue about it..."
"I'm sorry, what was that?"
"I said, not a day goes by when I don't think about him."
Garrus began to stroke Mary-Sue's silky hair.
"Hey Garrus?"
"Mmmmm?"
"Do you remember that time Saren had that gun right up to his head and I threw myself in front of the bullet? Yeah, that time; it was really sad, but then your tears brought me back to life. We really showed him the power of friendship, didn't we?"
"Shepard...? Saren is still at large..."
"...Yeah, just like in Pokemon the First Movie."
Garrus held her slightly tighter, breathing her floral scent. He knew he had to resist her, despite every primal urge in his body telling him not to, despite-
"Okay, you up there writing this: Stop. Now"
[What the hell? You aren't supposed to be talking back at me.]
"Hey, I'm Garrus Vakarian: If I know that my reality is really a video game, I'm sure as hell going to know if it's one of your lame fanfics."
[...Screw you Garrus.]
"Yeah, real mature of you to say so. Firstly, you're horribly out of character: I don't give damn about teaching Saren the importance of friendship; what I give a damn about is teaching him the importance of savouring his last moments before a bullet is drilled through his head!"
[You're not exactly acting in character now.]
"Hey, I'm Garrus Vakarian; I can be as in character or out of character as I damn well please. And also, I don't know what Pokemon the First movie is, but it sounds terrible."
[Oh, you so did NOT just go there...]
"Secondly, your character is poorly developed, self-important and whiny: I can't put up with her anymore! Why can't you ever just give me a break and offload her onto the other characters? It's not even like she really does anything interesting for all her grandeur; even now, all she's done since you've been distracted by this conversation is stand here with a blank expression."
Shepard instantly sprang to life, launching a spinning-roundhouse-into-back-kick at Garrus' face.
[Happy now?]
"Deliriously."
[Daww, is Garrus just jealous because I didn't give him any cool abilities? Here, let me fix that!]
The knock to Garrus' head instantly made him a master at calibrations. Now all he wants to do is calibrations. All day, every day.
"And I suppose you think that's funny."
The knock also made him lose his 'mojo': Now every time someone hits on him he turns into a stammering idiot.
"You know Bioware spent a lot of time developing my romance in Mass Effect 2; how, even in a sexual context, my feelings for Shepard remain entirely platonic, and yet over the course of the game they develop as I slowly come to realise that Shepard, the only person I truly respect in the galaxy, does genuinely want me. And you're selling all of that off for a cheap laugh? Seriously?"
[How do you even know what happens in Mass Effect 2?]
"I'm Garrus Vakarian; I know what happens in every Mass Effect game."
[So does that mean you can you tell me what happens in Mass Effect 3?]
"Yeah sure. Even if, spirits forbid, you decided save Conrad, it still turns out he's dead. But don't fear the power of friendship revives him! It also transforms him into Ultimate Form Conrad and he destroys all the reapers, makes the Turian councillor less of an ass and cures scale itch all with one swift roundhouse kick. We then all have to spend the rest of eternity bowing down to our new evil overlord. The end."
Garrus walked across the room and started fondling Wrex.
...
"Yeah, and I'm sure having him whisper 'I like cuddling' into my ear didn't cause any permanent psychological damage either."
[I bet there are loads of people out there who want to read a Garrus/Wrex slash fic.]
"...please tell me that this hasn't given you an idea."
[It might have done.]
"Then I guess you've given me no choice
Garrus started walking across the room, towards his locker.
Garrus stopped being so silly and went straight back to nuzzling Wrex-
Garrus kept walking across the room because he doesn't have to do as his puppetmaster says.
"You see this? This is my sniper rifle."
He pointed it up at the screen.
[Wait! You don't have to do this Garrus-]
"Really? It's bad enough that you take every opportunity to demasculinise me in your works, but there are some things which just plain cross the line! It's too late, words won't cut it. Now I want to you listen carefully because the next three words are going to be the last you'll ever hear..."
"Mother. Fuckin'. Garrus."
[Oh shi-
The coupon is a lie...