Um, so you guys have every right to come after me with pitchforks for not updating "If the World is Ending, We're Throwing the Party" I understand.

(Assuming that you, you know, even remember what story I'm talking about)

I'm so sorry about that. It's just that Senior Fall has been a total bitch, with all these AP classes and college applications. I promise that I'll update it during Winter Break though, if you guys want me to.

In the mean time, here's a rather long, rambly oneshot to make up for it :)

parental control

And I'm afraid I wont get out alive
No I won't sleep tonight

-Animal, Neon Trees

The first time you meet her parents, it just so happens to be when she's straddling you on top of her bed, tongue in your mouth and your hands sliding up her thighs and under her skirt.

Yeah, not awkward at all.

"Dad! Mom! What are you doing home so early?" she squeaks, jumping off you like you're on fire and hastily raking her fingers through tousled gold-streaked hair, cheeks pink with embarrassment. They don't answer and just stare you down in silence, icy blue eyes practically searing with anger and suspicion and disapproval and all the other things you'd expect from the parents of your girlfriend when they catch you guys almost going to second. Basically, the crystal clear message: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, NOW.

Instead you, like the dumbass you are, try to redeem yourself.

"Uh, hi Mr. and Mrs. Lyons. I'm Derrick. It's so great to finally meet you," You smile, ignoring Claire's frantic "oh-my-god-my-boyfriend's-a-total-idiot-what-the-hell-is-he-doing-shut-up-now!" hand gestures and awkwardly hold out your hand to shake.

Mr. Lyons, a kinda old, balding man with what would probably be a genial face, glares at your outstretched hand with more than just a hint of distaste and cracks his knuckles threateningly.

"I'm going to give you two options here, Derrick," Mr. Lyons says conversationally, rolling up his sleeves. "You have twenty seconds to get out of this room, house and neighborhood without injury or you can get more than a few brain cells knocked off with my fist. Your choice."

You opt for the former and stumble out of that room, house and jump into your car, seat belt be damned, and hightail it out of there.

.

.

"How did you deal with Claire's psycho-ass dad, man?" you complain as you and Josh lead the rest of the soccer team in your warm-up jog. Who better to ask than Claire's old boyfriend?

"Jay? Dude, Jay's the man. He, like, loved me," Josh replies, sending you a bemused look. "On my birthday, he took me with the whole family to see the Yankees game. Fucking box seats, dude. Jay is like the most awesome guy ever."

"What?" you practically screech, almost tripping over your cleats. "He was nice to you? He nearly murdered me when he first met me yesterday."

"Really? That's weird. What did you do?" your best friend asks, switching from the normal jog to grapevines.

"Well, uh... he kinda caught me and Claire getting at it on her bed," you mumble, mentally cursing yourself for the terrible timing. You were so close to going to second...

"That would be why he hates you," Josh grins. "See, whenever Claire and I wanted to hook up, we timed it perfectly. I offered to come over and babysit Todd with her- which was major brownie points for me with the 'rents- and we just put on some Batman or whatever, give him pizza to distract him and then... well, you know," He winks and you fight the urge to sock him in the jaw.

"Shut up," you growl. "I asked for your advice, not to hear about your sexcapades with my girlfriend."

"Advice? Okay, here's some advice. Claire has this really sensitive spot on her neck. She goes absolutely crazy when you-"

That's when you sock him in the jaw.

.

.

"Hey, uh, Claire. I have an idea," you say casually, throwing an arm across her shoulder as the two of you walk down the hallway to your next class. "How about I come babysit Todd with you on Friday? It would really fun to uh," You falter, trying to think of something not along the lines of continue what we were trying to do when your f-ing parents came home early and nearly killed me. "You know, connect with the little guy. I haven't even officially met him yet."

"I'm sensing some sort of ulterior motives here," Claire looks up at you accusingly, arching a golden brow. You let out an indignant scoff and place her hand on your heart.

"How could you say such a thing, Claire?" you demand, trying to look wounded. "Here I am, just wanting to help you babysit and you accuse me of trying to get to second with you after your parents leave and distracting Todd?"

"I never said any of that, stupid. You just revealed the master plan that you totally copied from Josh," Claire rolls her ocean-blue eyes and you grin sheepishly. "But I'd love the help. Lemme ask my parents first, since they, you know, don't really approve of this thing we have right now," She gives you a glowing smile. "But I got to head to Bio now. See you later, Der," She drops her voice to a sultry whisper, running her slender finger along your jawline and looking at you from under her lashes like some evil temptress and you lean in hopefully. She turns away so your kiss ends up on her hair instead of mouth and walks away, hips swaying.

Innocent, your ass. That girl was a monster.

.

.

You can hear the angry yells in the kitchen getting louder and louder as you awkwardly sit on the couch while tiny, eight-year-old Todd stares you down from across the room.

"You're funny-looking," Todd declares, crossing his arms across his chest, wiry red curls falling into his eyes which look so much like his sister's. It's kind of creepy actually. "Are you retarded? I learned that word in school. It means you have this disease where your brain goes all fuzzy and you can't really talk and do normal stuff. You look retarded," he decides and you fight the urge to grab the little twerp by the ankles and chain him to a wall or something.

"No, I'm not retarded," you say as nicely as possible.

"Well, retarded people wouldn't know they're retarded, would they?" Todd's mouth twists into a sympathetic smirk. What an evil, conniving little third-grader. "I liked Josh better. He wasn't retarded. He was really cool."

"Well, Josh and Claire aren't dating anymore," you growl, imagining wrapping your hands around the little sucker's neck and turning him into a Smurf.

"Why are you so tall? You're like the bad giant from Jack and the Beanstalk. He was really tall. He was also really ugly, just like you."

Little brat did not just call you, Derrick Harrington, the hottest and most wanted BAMF in Westchester County, ugly. You open your mouth to let out a snarling retort but Claire walks through the doors, looking tired but triumphant and Todd immediately runs into her open arms.

"I finally convinced my parents to let you help me babysit Todd," She grins and places a kiss on Todd's mess of tangled curls as he clutches onto her like an angelic little cherub, innocence smeared all over his freckled face. You sigh at the thought of spending four hours with that little devil but a smirk spreads across your face as you see Claire's parents pulling out of the driveway and down the street. Finally. Just pop in the Batman, order some pizza and then you and Claire could sneak up to her room and continue what her Mormon parents had so rudely interrupted.

"Claire..." Todd whimpers in her arms and she glances down at the tiny eight-year-old looking up at her with wide, watering eyes. "Derrick called me a bad word."

"What?" Claire exclaims, sending you an angry glare as your mouth falls open in shock. "What did he call you, Todd?"

"He said I was," Todd sniffs, fake tears streaming down his face and you ball your fingers into fists at his acting skills that were clearly being used to cock-block you. "Retarded."

"Derrick!" Claire shouts, normally laid-back, angelic face turning red with fury. "How could you say something like that? Not only is that completely rude and uncalled for- he's a little boy! You can't use that kind of awful, derogatory language in front of him! I cannot believe you'd say something like that!"

"I didn't!" you plead quickly, panic rising. "He's lying! He was the one who called me retarded! I would never say something like that!"

"Where would he learn to use a word like that?" Claire demanded, hugging Todd tighter towards her. "He would never."

"School, obviously!" You almost let out a scream of frustration. Not only were you clearly not going to get any action tonight, Todd was out to get you and that meant that the entire Lyons family hated you. And you were getting yelled at by your PO-ed girlfriend in the process.

"Derrick," Claire's yell drops to a serious, even tone. "I cannot allow you to blame this on Todd. Clearly, you have some anger issues. I'm going to let you stay since I went through all the trouble of getting my parents to let you help out but-" She placed Todd on the couch and dragged you to the kitchen, face inches away from your own. "There is no way we're going to do anything besides watching Todd, do you hear me?" she whispered, anger flashing in her eyes.

You can't really help yourself but she's actually even hotter when she's angry like this and it's a major turn-on. You grab her and kiss her but she's barely in your grasp for three seconds before she pushes you away forcefully and heads back to the living room.

The rest of the night is spent watching Star Trek and Indiana Jones and eating pizza but you don't even get a hug at the end of the night when you leave and end up with a major case of blue balls.

She was going to be the death of you, that girl.

.

.

"The whole effing family hates me, man," you complain and Cam gives you a a sympathetic smile. "Her parents hate me for trying to get into her pants and Todd just hates me for no reason and flipping cock-blocked me and even Claire's mad. FML."

"That's weird. Todd like, loved me when Claire and I were dating," Cam says conversationally as the two of you walk down the tiled hallway to the Science classroom. You groan and feel like bashing your head against a locker or something. You completely forgot that Cam used to date Claire too. Yeah, that had been in middle school and all but still. It's kinda weird that half your friends (well, really only Cam and Josh but whatever) have made out with your girlfriend and, even worse, actually did it without getting caught.

"I don't want to hear it," you mumble, feeling mutinous. He'd probably give you really shitty advice like Josh and you'd end up in an even worse situation.

"Dude, listen," Cam grabs your arm and shakes it roughly. "There's a really simple solution to this. Todd loves three things: action movies, Ring-Pops, and Dylan Marvil."

"First of all, how do any of these things relate? And by Dylan Marvil, do you mean the Dylan Marvil? That hot redhead in the grade below us? Her mom's that MILF from The Daily Grind, yeah? Haha, does the carpet match the drapes?" You laugh and hold your fist out for a fist pump which Cam stares at disgustedly. Fine, asshole.

"Yeah..." He says somewhat hesitantly. "She's really good friends with Claire. Todd has this little schoolboy crush on her. Make that obsession. Here's the deal- you set him up on a 'date' with Dylan in which she'll come over, watch some random action movie with him and eat Ring-Pops. If you do that for him, there's absolutely no way he'd ever hate you again."

"You're a genius, Cam," you say sarcastically and your best friend beams. "I was being sarcastic, idiot. That's possibly the stupidest idea I've heard in my life. How the hell am I supposed to convince a sophomore- especially a hot one like Dylan Marvil- to go on a date with a third grader?"

"I dunno. Bribe her. Blackmail her. Seduce her. Do whatever it takes," Cam throws his hands up in the air and you frown. "Don't you want to get on the Lyons' good side?"

You still aren't convinced and Cam sighs.

"Listen, dude. Here's the deal. Claire's family hates you, ends up forcing her to break up with you and someone like Kemp Hurley who has a major thing for her will swoop in, actually listen to my advice and get away with hooking up with her while still chumming it up with her parents. And you know what will happen? You'll end up miserable and alone and one day, you'll walk by Claire's house and you'll see her and Kemp doing the deed in the living room and you'll be like, 'Wow, I should have listened Cam. Then that could have been me.' But it'll be too late," Cam rambles, making wild arm gestures and you roll your eyes.

"You're so melodatragic," you declare, but make a mental note to stuff Kemp Hurley in a locker later. "Whatever Fisher, I'll figure out something."

.

.

"Hey ginger! I mean, uh, Marvil. Dylan," you greet, sidling up to the redhead who was in the process of emptying the books from her locker.

"Um, hi?" she responds, glancing at you for a split second before turning back to her books. "What's up, Derrick?"

"Listen, I need a favor," you start and she pauses for a moment, arching an auburn brow and looking at you with mixed confusion and suspicion. "I need you to go on a date."

"You already have a girlfriend, Harrington," Dylan says tiredly. "And I don't do the whole home-wrecking thing. Besides, I'm not into you and Claire's a good friend so forget it."

"I didn't say with me," you say, wounded. She wasn't into you? I mean, yeah, you already had a super hot girlfriend and all but that stung. Every girl was into Derrick Harrington. Weren't they? "Um, it's like this, okay? Todd Lyons hates me and I need to get on his good side so I can get in his sister's pants."

"You want to get on Todd's good side so you get in Claire's pants," Dylan repeats, sounding incredulous. "Right. Well, your sex life is really no concern of mine, so I don't understand why you're telling me this."

"Please, Marvil," you beg, clasping your hands together. You're thisclose to falling to your knees and groveling. "Hear me out. Sources tell me that Todd Lyons has the hots for you. So I need you to, uh, you know. Like seduce him or something. Or at least, like, go on a "date" with him in which you watch an action movie and eat Ring Pops."

She stares at you like you're clinically insane or something and, when you think about what you just said, wasn't too far off.

"Let me get this straight. You want me to go on a date with an eight year old, watch some action movie and... eat Ring Pops?" Dylan confirms slowly and you nod. "Right. Um, okay, sure."

Wait, what?

"Wait, what? Really? You will? Oh, you are the effing man, Marvil. I could-"

"Shut up. Here," She rips out a piece of paper from her Math notebook and scribbles something down. "My list of demands. Have it all at school by tomorrow or you can forget about this whole date thing, mkay? Now I have to go to class. Toodles," She does that weird finger-waggle thing that girls do and flipped her sheet of red hair over her shoulder and skips away.

You glance down at the sheet.

What the hell was a "Azure silk Balenciaga clutch"?

.

.

"Here," you huff under the weight of all the Nordstrom and Saks Fifth Avenue bags. "That's everything."

She peeks into one of the bags and frowns.

"I specifically said I wanted scrunched salmon-colored Tory Burch flats. This is pink," she accuses, holding up the insanely expensive shoe in her hand with a scowl.

Bitch did not. Did she know how freaking long it took you to find all this shit? And how many flamboyantly gay salesmen tried to hit on you when you were paying for all of it? You open your mouth to scathingly retort but she lets out a noisy sigh.

"Ugh, whatever. I'll deal. You can tell Todd that I'll be there at 7 Friday night," she interrupts, taking all the bags from you and shoving them in her locker.

You punch the air victoriously. Score one for the D-Man.

.

.

Todd's eyes go wide when you tell him and he's fully incapable of speech so you figure you must have done something right.

.

.

"Um, Derrick?" Claire says, pulling away from a particularly heated kiss in your truck that's currently parked in front of her house. Psycho parents aren't home, thank god. "What is Dylan doing here?"

You whip your head around to see Hot Ginger in all her glory stepping out of what must be Mommy's limo wearing some expensive dress you vaguely remember buying for her along with the rest of the stuff on her "demands list".

"Uh, I dunno?" You shrug but smirk as soon as Claire leaves the car. You tilt your head to the side as you watch her intercept Dylan on the way to the door with a questioning look on her face. You wonder idly if Claire would consider a threesome, cuz damn, between the three of you, the hotness would actually set the bedroom ablaze. Heh. Ablaze. Fun word.

"Derrick!" Claire shouts and the smirk on your face drops like a dead fly. Shit. You roll the window down and try to look innocent.

"Um, yeah?"

She comes close enough to lean against the window and sharply raises a golden brow.

"Did you actually set my brother up with Dylan?" She doesn't look mad, just slightly shocked.

"Um, yeah?"

"To get on Todd's good side."

"Um, yeah?"

"You care about my family accepting you that much, you actually bought her half the mall as a bribe?"

"Um, yeah?"

"Ohmigod, you're so sweet," Claire squeals, leaning in to give you what was legit one of the best kisses of your life. She pulls away after a few minutes and blushes, glancing at you from under her golden lashes. You're willing to bet the your entire bank account that you have a stupid grin plastered on your face, because god, you don't even care how many credit cards you maxed out. So worth it.

.

.

"Who's good? I'm good. Who's good? I'm good. Who's good? I'm-"

"Shut up before I punch you in the face, Fisher," you mutter, but you can't help but smile at how freaking perfectly this is all going. Todd basically loves you now, if the messily drawn "thank you, derick!" card Claire had given you with a beam and kiss that morning was any indication. Sure, he spelled your name wrong but whatever. One Lyon down, two to go.

"So, are you bringing Claire to the game tomorrow night?" Cam asks, taking a huge bite of his tuna fish sandwich. "All the guys are bringing their girlfriends since it's the championships and all."

"Even Massie?" you scoff, throwing him an incredulous look.

"Yeah. Even Massie. She hates soccer but she's like, scared I'm going to hook up with some cheerleader in a 'victory-induced frenzy' whatever the hell that means."

"It means she thinks you're a slut who can't keep it in your pants."

"I resent that."

.

.

The second you get back from soccer practice, your mom immediately shoves a grocery list in your hands and tells you to go to store right this second because she's apparently throwing some fancy dinner thing and your housekeeper Mini is too busy cooking to buy them herself.

Which is why you find yourself pushing a cart down the isles of Market Basket, with your little sister Sammi bouncing in the cart between piles of expensive French cheeses and iceberg lettuce.

"Derry, I want Reese's Puffs!" Sammi squeals, somehow managing to grab the bright orange and yellow patterned cereal box from the shelf.

"Those aren't good for you, Sam," you sigh, gently wrestling the box from her grip. "Besides, we aren't here for cereal. We want... uh..." You glance down at your list. "Sun-dried tomatoes. Doesn't that sound yummy?"

"No," She pouts, crossing her arms across her chest and narrowing her eyes. You wince, sensing a tantrum coming on. Miraculously, her face brightens and she starts waving frantically. "Hi Mr. and Mrs. Lyons!"

Aw, shit.

You turn around and see Jay and Judi themselves, with a squirming Todd in their grasp, making their way down the isle with beatific smiles aimed at your sister.

"Hello, sweetie," Mrs. Lyons croons, placing a quick kiss on your sister's blushing face. She straightens and then looks at you with careful politeness. "Hello Derrick, how are you?"

"Couldn't be better, Mrs. Lyons," you say weakly.

"Derrick! Derrick! Derrick!" Todd wrenches his hand from his mother's and gives you a huge hug which catches you off-guard completely. Mrs. Lyons breaks into a small smile but Mr. Lyons just grunts, reaching over to ruffle Sammi's messy blonde hair fondly. "Derrick, can you come babysit me with Claire again tomorrow?" Todd asks eagerly, cobalt eyes shining with excitement. "It would be really fun."

You fight the urge to smirk and glance up at the Lyons' bemused faces.

"Uh, I don't think that would be such a good idea, buddy. Maybe some other time. Um, speaking of tomorrow night," Your throat gets dry but you clear it with a cough. "The Tomahawks have the championship game tomorrow up in Rochester. Do you um," You look at Mr. Lyons' impassive face with a nervous smile. "Do you think Claire could come? I'll drive. Um, all the guys are bringing their girlfriends and it would be nice to have Claire there and um, we'd get back by 8 at the latest."

You mentally slap yourself for sounding like such a pussy but Mrs. Lyons smiles somewhat encouragingly.

"Of cours-"

"Absolutely not," Mr. Lyons thunders and you feel the smile slide off your face. Shit, shit, shit.

"Jay-"

"No, Judi. Do you honestly think we should trust him to drive Claire three hours to Rochester and back? There will be no supervision and-"

"You should let Claire go," Sammi pipes up, smiling angelically and, like magic, Mr. Lyons' face softens. "Derrick's team is really bad and they need all the help they can get. And Derrick's a good brother. Except when he said we couldn't buy Reese's Puffs."

"Those aren't good for you, honey," Mrs. Lyons says with a gentle smile and Sammi shrugs.

"That's what Derrick said too."

There's an awkward silence but Sammi and Todd are blissfully unaware and rather, quite preoccupied with each other- exchanging curious looks and shy smiles.

"Fine," Mr. Lyons relents, giving your baby sister a reluctant smile. "Let's go, Judi, Todd," He gives you one last, hard look before turning around and walking away and you let out the breath you didn't know you were holding.

You buy Sammi the Reese's Puffs.

.

.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" You scream into the cold night and Claire shoots you a disapproving look while tugging her thin jacket tightly around herself.

"Derrick, please. Stop freaking out, okay?"

"How the fuck do you expect me to do that when we're fucking stuck in the middle of a godforsaken road in the middle of fucking New York because my fucking truck broke down on the way back from the game and there's no fucking reception?" You shout, wanting to tear your hair out. Normally, if this situation presented yourself, you would have no problem at all. Wouldn't be the first time you slept in your car. But- "You're dad is going to fucking murder me!"

"Derrick..." Claire says gently, places a consoling hand on your arm. "There's no need to worry, okay? He's just my dad. He can't get mad at you just because your truck broke down."

"That's bullshit, Claire and you know it," you snap and she pulls away, hurt. "Your dad is a freaking psychopath and he'll be after me with a pickax."

"Well, if that's the way you feel, maybe you should date someone whose parents aren't so protective," Claire says sharply but the sight of her eyes filling up with tears makes you want to kill yourself. Because you could never handle it when she cried, because she'd always look so vulnerable and fragile. The last time someone made her cry- when that asshole Chris Abeley forcibly tried to kiss her at that party a couple months ago- you punched the douche until he had two black eyes and a broken nose.

"Oh, come on Claire, I didn't mean it like that," you groan, trying to wrap your arms around her in a hug. She shrugs you off and pouts, her mouth set in a hard line. Goddamn it. Why did she have to look so cute when she was angry? "I'm sorry, alright? I'm just a little on edge because I don't want your dad to force you to break up with me. I love you too much."

She allows a tiny smile to twist itself onto her face and looks up at you.

"Really?"

"Really really," you promise, taking your varsity jacket off and draping it across her shoulders to keep her warm.

"I believe you," she says simply, letting her fingers entwine with your own. "Now, come on. We'd better start walking if we're going to find someplace to stay for the night."

"Wait, what?" you say quickly, trying not to get to panicky. "I was thinking we could find a pay phone and call AAA or something."

"I'm tired, Derrick," Claire whispers and it's true, she looks exhausted. "I'll just call my parents and let them know that we'll be home in the morning, okay?"

"No-kay. I swear, I will get you home tonight under any circumstances. I promised Jay and I intend to keep that promise," you say with resolve and drag her down the empty road.

"You would be the only guy in the state of New York who would not want to spend a night at a hotel with his girlfriend," Claire mumbles, but she smiles anyway.

.

.

True to your word, you end up pulling up in front of the Lyons house a few hours later- your car jump started by some AAA guy who looked super pissed at having to stand out in the freezing cold at 1 in the morning.

You carry a sleeping Claire to the front door and ring the doorbell. Jay and Judi's apprehensive faces appear seconds later and they look visibly relieved when they see you with her. Claire had called and explained the whole issue to make sure that Jay didn't kill you with a shotgun the moment you pulled up.

"Thank you for taking such good care of her, Derrick," Judi says with a bright but tired smile, giving you a quick kiss on the cheek. "We really appreciate it. Right, Jay?"

She nudges her husband, who gives you a grudging nod and mumbles his thanks.

And you think that maybe- maybe- they don't hate you quite so much.

.

.

"Derrick!" Claire runs up to you on Monday through the crowded hallway and gives you a glowing smile. You slam your locker shut and grin. Sure, the other guys may say that you're whipped but whatever. They're just jealous losers who can't get laid.

"Yeah, babe?"

"My parents are inviting you over for dinner tomorrow night!" She bounces up and down on her toes with excitement shining in her cerulean eyes. Your smile drops. This was good news? "Isn't that great?"

"Um, Claire, how is this a good thing?" you ask carefully, not wanting to spoil her mood. She doesn't look deterred though.

"It means they trust you! They were so impressed when I told them about how you didn't want to stay in a hotel because you wanted to respect their wishes. And Todd, like, worships you now, so he's super excited too. So they're giving you a second chance! Isn't that wonderful?"

You want to say that no, that is not wonderful because 1) the thought of sitting through a full dinner with Jay makes you want to gouge your eyes out and 2) you're going to screw it up, just like you screw up everything.

"Sounds like fun..." you say weakly and she gives you a huge hug. The scent of her stupidly perfect pomegranate-scented shampoo wafts by your nose and you sigh.

Seriously, the things you did to keep this one happy.

.

.

"So, which colleges are you going to be applying to, Derrick?" Jay asks briskly, passing the potatoes to Todd with one hand. You glance at Claire, who gives you an encouraging smile, and you clear your throat.

"Well, uh, my dad's an alum at Duke and my mom's an alum at Georgetown, so I'll probably be applying there..."

"Excellent schools," Judi says approvingly and you let out a small sigh of relief.

"Yeah, I know," You shoot her a grateful smile. "And, um, I really like the University of Southern California-"

"Party school," Jay interrupts nonchalantly and you feel like bashing your head against the table. Why did you mention USC? Why, why, why? "Huge drug problems, I hear. And kids dying left and right from alcohol poisoning-" He stops when he sees the identical glares his wife and daughter are giving him. "What? It's true..." he shrugs.

"Derrick got recruited to Harvard for soccer," Claire says hastily. "Isn't that right, Der?"

"Yeah, but I'm probably going to turn them down," you say with a sheepish smile. Jay raises his eyebrows challengingly.

"Oh really? Why is that?" he asks, propping his elbows onto the gleaming, chestnut wood table.

"Oh, well, you know," You crack a small smile. "Harvard's the place you want if to go if you want to become a boring, stuffy investment banker," you joke and then catch sight of Claire and Judi's horrified expressions. What did you say wrong?

"Did you know, Derrick, that I went to Harvard?" Jay says in calm, even tones. You sense where this is going and feel a nauseating sense of dread creeping up on you. Ohpleasenopleaseno... "Studied finance actually. I work at an investment banking firm now."

There's a long silence.

"Oh," you say in a small voice.

More silence.

"Look, I'm sorry okay?" you burst, pushing your chair back with a sickening screech and rising. All four Lyons stare at you, shell-shocked. "I'm sorry that I made out with your daughter when you weren't home, I'm sorry my truck broke down and I didn't bring her back home in time, I'm sorry I say the wrong things, and I'm sorry I'm not good enough for Claire. Okay? I'm sorry," you emphasize and Jay stares at you, his mouth falling slightly open. Judi looks like she's been poked with an electric cattle prod and Claire's head is in her hands. Todd just looks amused. "But just know that I care about her. Hell- I mean, heck, I love her," You shift your gaze over to Claire, who's looking up at you with an odd mix of adoration and mortification. "She's beautiful, intelligent, funny, has the most beautiful voice-" Especially when it's panting my name when we're hooking up behind the- okay, getting off-topic here. "And I promise to treat her with the utmost respect. Because she deserves that. And you, as her parents, should expect nothing less. And- actually, that's all I have to say," you stop, confused. "Um, yeah."

You sit back down and stare at your plate.

Todd giggles.

"Well, that was certainly inspiring," Judi says slowly after a long silence, looking flustered. "Wouldn't you say so, Jay?"

But it looks like he's incapable of speech at the moment so he just twitches his head awkwardly.

There's another long silence. You don't dare make eye contact with Claire.

"Well, um, Claire, why don't you take Derrick up to your room, hmm?" Judi suggests and the both of you stare at her incredulously. What? "Your dad, Todd and I need to take a short, erm, walk around the neighborhood for a bit, don't we?" She glances over at Jay, who still is in full statue-mode. There's a pause and Judi stands up, grabs Jay and Todd and drags them out the door without another word.

Okay.

What the hell just happened?

.

.

"You are crazy," Claire says for the millionth time, sitting on her bed and staring at you, her eyes as wide as saucers. "You are crazy."

"Claire-"

"You are crazy."

"But Cla-"

"You are crazy."

"Listen, Clair-"

"You are so utterly crazy, I honestly don't believe I'm even dating you," Claire stands up abruptly.

"Maybe 'cause I'm sexy and you can't live without my hot bod?" you suggest, making your way toward her slowly. She scoffs and you smirk. Even though everything's gone to shit (well, not in a bad way, more in a 'what the hell is going on?' sort of way), it hasn't escaped your mind that her parents aren't home and you have finally convinced them that yes, you are a good boyfriend. You have no idea how long their "walk" is going to be, but you sure as hell aren't going to waste any time. "Hey Claire?"

"What?" she snaps.

"Wanna make out?"

.

.

That was the night you finally got to second with Claire Lyons.

Until, you know, her parents got home and you jumped out a window into some prickly-ass bushes and ended up spraining your wrist.

But, like, whatever, you know?

Wow, that was long. Review, please?