The Conquistador

Disclaimer: I do not own Adventure Time or Regular Show. They are the property of their creators (Pendleton Ward and J.G. Quintel) and/or the company (Cartoon Network) they work for. I DO own this computer, which is how I am typing.

This story is just being written for fun. I do have other projects I'm working on, but I had this idea and I just wanted to start it. I'll try to update whenever I can, but I'll be working on other things.

Please enjoy!

- 42 Zombies

The whole mess had started out regularly enough; regularly enough for Finn and Jake, at least. They'd been attending a big bash in the Candy Kingdom when—BOOM!—Ice King. He somehow managed to show up just when the party was getting good and completely killed the buzz by kidnapping Princess Bubblegum.

Finn and Jake, being the radical dudes that they are, gave swift chase to the tyrant. They fought their way past snow golems, penguin-soldiers, and one seriously confused tourist from the Cloud Kingdom. It didn't take long for them to reach the Ice King's frosty lair.

Which brings us to the present: as in, 'Presently, Finn is clocking the Ice King.'

The Ice King was sent flying into one of his glacial walls by Finn's punch. "You annoying meddlers," The Ice King straightened himself up and glared furiously at the two adventurers. "I'm just trying to get through a rough patch! Can't you be a little more understanding?"

"Yeah, man; we understand that you're a tool." Jake replied, going to work on the cage in which Princess Bubblegum was locked.

"Oh, dude! Jake just burned you!" Finn laughed, momentarily distracted. The Ice King took advantage and hurled a frozen lightning bolt at the human boy's feet, freezing them to the floor. The Ice King cackled.

"Who's the tool now, Finn and Jake? Not me, I bet!"

Unfortunately, the Ice King had failed to take into account the fact that Jake was still free. While one hand picked at the lock on the Princess' cage, the magic dog's other hand stretched like a rubber band and grabbed the Ice King's crown off of his head.

"Don't worry, dude; he's harmless now." Jake assured, holding the crown high above the Ice King's head.

"Most excellent!" Finn exclaimed. "I'll just wait for the ice around my feet to melt; and then… I'll clock him!"

Somehow, the icy lock on the princess' cage clicked. Jake pulled the door open and turned his key-hand back into a hand-hand (Which is to say, just a normal hand.) Free from her prison, Princess Bubblegum stepped out and gratefully patted Jake on the head.

"Don't bother, dude; I got PB." Jake announced. The Ice King gaped in shock at the sight of how easily the two adventurers had rescued the princess.

"Not fair! I want a do-over! I never got out of the starting gate!"

With a mighty yank, Finn pulled his feet free of the icy floor. He screamed triumphantly and, before Jake could even consider giving the Ice King his do-over, ran up and gave the wizard the clocking he had promised. The Ice King was down with one punch, out cold and with x's for eyes.

"Thanks for saving me again, you two," PB said graciously.

"Shucks. Tweren't nothing, princess!" Finn said modestly.

Jake tossed the Ice King's crown out a window. He didn't think much of it; it probably wasn't that important.

"Yeah, we do this sort of thing, like, every week." Jake admitted. "You don't need to thank us, PB."

"Still, this is, like, the eighth time you've rescued me…" Bubblegum mused. She rubbed her chin, all thoughtful-like. Suddenly, an idea struck her.

"I just thought of something." She announced. She looked Jake in the eyes and smiled. "Jake, I need you to take us back to the Candy Kingdom. I have something I want to show you guys."

Jake and Finn exchanged a puzzled look. Nevertheless, the three exited the Ice King's palace and stood on the long, winding path that led down into the mountains of his kingdom. Jake got down onto all fours and, in a second, grew into a size that was big enough to carry two people.

Finn effortlessly hopped up onto his buddy's back. "Okay, man; let's go."

"Uh… Finn, don't you think you're forgetting something?"

As subtlety as someone who has movable jowls can, Jake pointed at Princess Bubblegum with one of his jowls. She still stood on the icy ground. It took Finn a moment to realize he was supposed to help her up.

"Sorry, Princess," Finn apologized. He held out a hand for the Princess and pulled her up. With all the passengers onboard, Jake began to make his way towards the Candy Kingdom.

Along the way, Finn and Jake had a short conversation:

"Jake, how'd you know the princess wanted me to help her up?" Finn whispered into Jake's massive ear.

"Man, I know the ladies." Jake responded. "I can pick up the signals."

Finn stared at Jake in confusion. Partly because he had no idea what the signals were, but mostly because he could sense that somehow Jake had been speaking in italics.

There was no time for confusion, however. They had arrived in the Candy Kingdom. Hundreds of Candy People, seeing Finn and Jake returning, had gathered in the center of town. They broke into excited cheers when they saw that the Princess had been returned safely.

Jake shrunk back down to his normal size, bringing Finn and PB down safely to the ground as he did so. The crowd was in hysterics over the group's arrival, but a signal from the Princess calmed them down. As the Candy People's last murmurs died down, PB began to speak.

"Candy Citizens," she announced regally, "once again the heroes Finn and Jake have proven their righteousness by saving me from the Ice King…"

While the Princess spoke to her adoring citizens, Finn and Jake whispered to each other. "Jake; do you really think PB is going to give us something?" Finn asked.

"Probably, man," Jake answered, "it's probably going to be something really sweet. Like a guitar that shoots flaming bats or something."

Finn's eyes twinkled as he imagined wielding such a mighty weapon. He would name it 'The Justice-Quencher', and everyone would think it was so awesome.

There was a collective gasp from the Candy People. Finn suddenly realized that he had spaced out and PB was nearing the end of her speech. He quickly re-focused his attention on what she was saying and tried his best to not act like a space-case.

"… And, since Starchy found the keys last week," Bubblegum continued, "I have decided to reward these mighty heroes by taking them into the Royal Candy Archives!"

The crowd erupted into cheers. Finn and Jake, of course, had no idea what the Royal Candy Archives were, so they simply smiled politely and exchanged a puzzled glance. Slowly, the crowd dispersed, and the Princess turned her attentions to the two heroes behind her.

"Well," she said with a friendly chuckled, "if you guys are ready, we can begin our descent into the Royal Archives."

"Um… sure, Princess," Finn agreed uncertainly. "You just… lead the way."

The Princess smiled and began walking towards the castle. Finn and Jake followed her, both anxious and confused. Jake leaned in and whispered in Finn's covered ear: "Dude, do you know anything about this Royal Archive junk?"

"No…" Finn admitted, "But the Princess is cool. I'm sure she'll explain everything soon."

This turned out to be false. Ten minutes later, after they had taken a cursed ferry across a river of lava, they still had no idea what the math was going on. The Princess had led them down a huge spiral staircase beneath the castle itself, into a monstrous cavern beneath the Candy Kingdom. They now stood before a huge door covered with carvings of the Gumball Guardians and their legendary journeys.

"Alright, guys," Bubblegum said teasingly, "are you ready to enter the Royal Candy Archives?"

"Sure, I guess." Finn shrugged. Jake joined him in his uncertainty. Satisfied, Princess Bubblegum knocked on the door three times. A loud, booming voice answered back:

"WHAT IS THE PASSWORD?"

"Just open the door, Horatio!" PB demanded impatiently.

"OKAY!" The voice cried defensively. "JEEZ."

There was a clicking noise, as numerous tumblers moved inside some unseen lock. Slowly, the two doors opened outward. A blinding light from the room beyond greeted Finn and Jake, who had to shield their eyes at first. Soon, however, they could see what lay beyond the doors.

A huge library of sorts waited for the two adventurers. It was filled not only with books, but with weapons; weapons of every sort imaginable. There were swords; axes; polearms; cursed ray guns. The place was practically an armory.

An armory that also had books.

Finn and Jake ran into the Archives, giddy as all get out. PB followed them in, smiling a proud little smile. "You guys be careful!" She called after the two adventurers. "Don't touch anything without my permission!"

The shelves of books and weapons made neat little aisles, and Finn and Jake ran through them excitedly. "Dude, this place is so awesome!" Finn cried out. Jake laughed in agreement as the two rounded a corner.

"Man, I could live here." Jake declared as the two walked down another aisle. "Do you think the Princess will let us take any of this stuff home?"

"She'd better, man; otherwise, she's just a tease." Finn answered. He looked ahead and saw that the path they were currently on led into a wall. "Dead-end," he mused. "Let's turn back. I want to check out that half-sword/half-monkey thing again."

"Don't go…"

The ghostly voice echoed off of the library's ceiling. It sounded like it could have come from anywhere. Finn and Jake looked around, confused as to its point of origin.

"You hear that, too, man?" Jake asked, unsure if he had himself. Finn nodded slowly.

"Hey, creepy voice guy!" Finn called out. "Where you at?"

"Look… forward…"

Finn did as the voice said. All he could see, however, was the wall that created the dead end ahead of them. "You're a wall?"

"What? No, man; I'm inside the wall. It's covered in dust."

Finn raised an eyebrow, but decided to go along with what the voice said. He walked towards the huge wall and blew on it as hard as he could. Sure enough, a wave of dust flew off of the wall's surface and into the air, scattering all around Finn.

The wall was actually a huge, glass case. Something was barely visible just behind the dust that was left. Finn squinted his eyes to make sense of whatever was behind the glass.

"I can't make it out…" he muttered. "Dude, what are you?"

"I'm… a super-powerful… cosmic… gauntlet."

"Dude, a cosmic gauntlet?" Jake asked skeptically. "We've got, like, eight of those back home. Let's leave, Finn; there's more interesting stuff to check out."

"NO!"

The voice was so loud and desperate that it caused the air to shake.

"Um… Finn, was it? You're… the chosen one, I guess."

Finn's mouth hung open in shock. "Me?" He asked, amazed. "The chosen one?"

"Yeah. You were prophesized to save the world and… um… be cool."

A normal person would have totally seen through the voice's obvious lie. A normal person would have just walked away. Finn, however, was a sucker for stories about 'Chosen Ones' and prophecies. His legs shook with nervous energy and he held his hands to his face in excitement.

"I can't believe it. Me: the chosen one." He muttered to himself.

Jake was still skeptical, however. "I don't know, Finn," he said, "I'm not too quick to trust talking weapons."

"Hey, uh… dog-guy; help me get out of here and I'll… show you something cool."

Jake was taken in by that amazing promise, and within minutes they were smacking the glass with a really heavy book they had found. The glass was strong, however, and seemed to refuse to give way.

"Dude, this glass is tough." Jake observed after failing to break it for, like, the eighteenth time or something.

"Why don't you just turn huge and smash it?" Finn asked.

"What, are you nuts? I'd get cut."

"Can you guys just get me out of here? I'm really stiff."

Jake tossed the heavy book to the floor in frustration. "Jeez! How are we supposed to break this guy out?" He wondered desperately.

Finn rubbed his chin and looked around, hoping to find a way to free the gauntlet. After a moment of searching, he saw something: on one of the shelves surrounding them was an ancient, dusty hammer. Its handle stuck out invitingly, just begging for someone to grab it and whack something.

In just a few seconds, Finn had the hammer. It was surprisingly heavy, and Finn had to drag it along the ground. "Alright… stand back, Jake! I'm about to go BANANAS!"

With a blood-curdling scream, Finn heaved the hammer up above him and swung it into the glass barrier. There was a mighty crash, and the wall slowly began to crack. Shards of glass fell to the dusty, earthen floor, and soon there was a large hole in the wall.

The gauntlet, propped up on a neat little stand, sat exactly behind the hole. Finn carefully reached in and pulled the piece of armor out, mesmerized by its awesomeness.

"This is so math." He muttered.

The gauntlet was made from plates of bronze, and it had a bright-red power gem in the center of the back of the hand. Several black rings adorned the ringers, each ring topped off with a different-colored crystal. But that wasn't the best part.

The best part was the freaking sweet smiley face carved into the palm of the hand.

… No, wait. Actually, that was the lamest part. As soon as Finn saw the face, he raised an eyebrow in disgust and confusion. It wasn't even a particularly well-drawn face; it looked all… sloppy and ugly, with eyes tightly shut.

"Wow." Finn mused, realization striking him. "This is actually pretty lame."

Jake looked at the smiley face from over Finn's shoulder. Even he had to admit the face looked crappy, and he was usually into this sort of thing. "Man, let's trash this thing," he suggested, "You don't want to be the chosen one if your weapon looks like that, do you?"

"Oh, hecks no," Finn agreed.

Finn dumped the gauntlet onto the ground and the two turned their backs on it. They had more important things to do than waste their time on a crappy-looking gauntlet. It didn't even occur to them to tell the Princess about this whole ordeal.

Of course, as soon as they left, the gauntlet's fingers began to twitch. With this tiny movement, a pulse of life entered the ancient and mystical piece of armor. Almost instantly, bone and sinew began to grow out of the gauntlet. They formed a humanoid shape, which was swiftly covered in a light-blue skin.

The figure's mouth popped into proper shape, and his eyeballs formed in their sockets. Satisfied, he leapt to his feet, now adorned in sandals, and dusted the filth of centuries off of him. A pair of jeans popped into existence on the being's nether-regions, and a cute little party-hat grew out of his head like a stalagmite.

"Crap. I frigging hate that." The creature muttered to himself. After a few stretches to warm-up his body after his centuries-long entrapment, he put his hands on his hips, satisfied.

"Welp," he mused, "guess it's time to conquer Ooo."

FINN, JAKE, and Princess Bubblegum emerged from the cellar that led to the Candy Archives. They were back on the surface, in the Candy Kingdom. Finn saw that it was nighttime, and that the trip had taken a whole day. Regrettably, he and Jake hadn't found any cool weapons that weren't cursed, haunted, or actually shape-shifters in disguise.

"Sorry you guys couldn't find anything," PB apologized, closing and locking the doors to the cellar, "I'll go down tomorrow and try to find something for you."

"Thanks, Princess." Finn said. He yawned, tired from the day's events. It was time to head home.

Unfortunately, Finn and Jake weren't about to rest any time soon.

There was a crackle in the air; something a like a spark, almost but not quite visible. These sparks converged together until they formed a humanoid shape, which quickly solidified. The creature who wore the gauntlet floated in the air above Finn and Jake's heads.

"Ugh. Frigging Candy Kingdom." He muttered to himself. He looked around, oblivious to the people beneath him. "Where'd I leave my castle…?"

"Hey! Hey, blue guy!"

"Huh?" The creature looked down when he heard Finn call out to him. He smiled friendlily and waved his smaller, un-gauntleted hand. "Oh, dude! Hey, thanks for freeing me earlier! I owe you one, man!"

Finn wasn't sure what the creature was talking about; until, of course, he looked at his left hand. "The gauntlet!" Finn exclaimed. "You were the voice from the archives!"

Princess Bubblegum looked from Finn to the floating, blue creature above her. It didn't take her long to figure out what was going on.

"Finn, Jake," PB began, doing her best to control her anger, "did you two release Ernie the Conquistador?"

"Maybe." Jake replied earnestly. "It depends on if this guy is that guy."

Princess Bubblegum tried her best not to murder Finn and Jake. She gritted her teeth and furrowed her brow. "Do you have any idea what you've done? You've unleashed one of Ooo's great evils after it had been trapped for centuries!"

Finn couldn't help but feel embarrassed. This was, like, the third or fourth time he had done that.

Ernie, however, didn't seem too embarrassed. He went back to ignoring the insects beneath him and surveyed the land. His castle clearly wasn't anywhere nearby. Had he left it in another dimension? Or maybe it had been eaten by goblins!

Ernie wasn't able to think of any more possibilities, however. Finn threw a rock at the blue-man's head, getting his attention. Enraged by this admittedly minor attack, Ernie glared down at Finn and Jake.

"Hey, conqueror guy," Finn yelled, "go back where you came from! If you don't, Jake and me are going to open up a CAN on you!"

Before Jake could elaborate what the can would be filled with and why he and Finn would be opening it, the Conquistador flew at him with his fist stretched outwards, like a missile. Jake quickly stretched the bulk of his body out of the way, and Ernie flew harmlessly past.

The Conquistador stopped himself in midair before he crashed into the ground. He spun around so he was once again facing Finn and Jake. His eyes were two balls of anger; also, they were still eyes. He scowled, showing his horse-like teeth off as they rubbed against each other in horrible rage.

"Nobody throws small rocks at my head!" Ernie howled.

Finn pulled a sword out from his cute li'l backpack and stared his foe down. Without a second's hesitation, he charged at Ernie, screaming like a hellion. He raised his blade above his head and brought it down as hard as he could.

Ernie quickly brought up his left hand and blocked the sword-stroke with his gauntlet. As he and Finn fought against each other, he stared the young adventurer in the eyes.

"You're not half-bad, kid. Unfortunately, I'M AWESOME."

Finn was about to make a clever comeback, when Ernie shove his finger in the boy's eye. Finn recoiled back and put his hand to his face. While he screeched in pain, Ernie threw his hands up victoriously.

Jake's stretchy fist put a quick end to the Conquistador's celebration. The magic dog delivered a giant haymaker to Ernie's jaw, knocking him to the ground. Finn and Jake quickly regrouped while Ernie flopped around on the ground, struggling to get up.

"Finn, man, we need to start strategizing, or something." Jake whispered. Finn nodded seriously.

"You're right. This guy's tough." Finn looked over at Ernie, who was still flopping around on the ground like a fish out of water.

"Okay, I've got a plan. But it'll take expert timing and ninja-like steal—"

"SCREW THIS!"

Ernie slammed his fist on the ground defiantly. He would not be held down by such petty things as gravity. With a furious scream, he levitated into the air; an aura of azure energy surrounded his body. His eyes glowed deep crimson and his teeth were bared as he stared down at Finn and Jake.

"YOU GUYS ARE FRICKING CHEATING! IF I HAD MY OTHER GAUNTLET, YOU'D BE DEAD RIGHT NOW!" Ernie's voice had become something completely different; it carried more power and a thousand-times more rage. It was the type of voice a wrestler in the 90s would have.

Before Finn and Jake could react, Ernie raised his left hand in the air; then, commanding some unseen force, Finn and Jake were lifted into the air until they were at eye-level with Ernie.

"Man, put us down!" Finn demanded, struggling to free himself. Ernie decided that that would be a dumb thing to do and instead decided to slam Finn and Jake into the wall of a nearby Candy-House. The wall cracked from the force of the impact, and Finn and Jake didn't fare much better. Ernie stared the two down while they groaned in pain.

"YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU'RE SCHTUPPING WITH."

"Put them down this instant!" PB yelled angrily. Ernie cast a discerning eye down towards the Princess. "If you do not release them this instant, Conquistador, I will get my swan and you will be IN FOR IT."

Something in the Princess' voice stopped Ernie from doing anything more to the adventurers. He released his grip on Finn and Jake, dropping them on their buttocks. Slowly, the Conquistador's eyes returned to their normal hue. Now much calmer, he groaned petulantly.

"You guys are lame," Ernie whined quietly, "I'm going to go find my weapons and stuff, and then you'll be sorry!"

"Hey, wait!" Finn ordered.

But it was too late. Fed-up with the whole stinking scene, Ernie punched a hole in the air with his gauntleted hand. It was as if he had punched through paper; his hand went in one side, but didn't come out the other.

Ernie pulled his hand out and eyed what he had created. To accurately explain what he had done would require a lot of science-talk and made-up words. In layman's terms, he had punched a hole in the fabric of reality.

A small, blue portal floated in-front of Ernie. Not content with its size, the Conquistador grabbed its edges and pulled, stretching it out until it was his size. He smiled at his handiwork and began to step into the portal.

"Get back here!" Finn called after the conquistador, who was already halfway through the portal. Ernie cast an annoyed glance Finn's way.

"Kid, I'll take care of you once I get my stuff together. Just… wait here, okay?" He asked, embarrassed. Before Finn could object, Ernie stepped completely through the portal. There was a noise like something falling into a pool of water, and he was gone.

Silence. Awkward silence.

At least, it was silent until Finn started howling like a rabid monkey. He kicked the ground and punched the air, furious that the bad guy had gotten away. Before he did something regrettable, Jake wrapped his arms around the human boy like a straitjacket, restraining him.

"Calm down, man," Jake said while his friend fought kicked and screamed. "The guy said he'd be back. We'll get him then."

Finn began to calm down; not because what Jake said was comforting, but because he was getting tired. Jake released his grip and Finn looked up in the sky. The portal that Ernie had made his escape through was still floating several feet in the air, mockingly.

"Guys," Princess Bubblegum advised, "you've got to follow him. Ernie was sealed away 800 years ago because he almost took over Ooo with just one gauntlet; if he gets another, who knows what he'll do?"

Finn nodded, determined. He narrowed his eyes as he stared at the portal, focused on this new adventure.

"Jake, man," Finn said, not taking his eyes off of the portal, "let's get our junk ready; we're going through that portal."

NEXT TIME: Hey, There's a Car