What a Grimm Fairy Tale

Yes, yes I KNOW! People have done this before, namely Pikana and others, but these are sort of different. I intend to use others. You'll still see Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty ones, but I'm starting with this one: Hans the Hedgehog.

Disclaimer!

Sonic: …She doesn't own anything…

Commentary will be said today by… Snake and Sonic!

The bolded letters are the commentary and the usual letters are the story.

Hans the Hedgehog

Or

Sonic the Hedgehog

::

Sonic: I've never even heard this story before!

Snake: Neither have I, but if you don't shut it we'll never hear!

::

There was once a man who lived in the country named Red, who had plenty of money and land, but no children. Out of all of those things named, Red wanted a child.

::

Sonic: How does this fit with me?

Snake: Damn…Red wants a child?

::

Every time he went into Smashville, the other peasants mocked him because he had no children. One day, Red could not handle the mocking anymore and said when he got home, "I will have a child, even if it is a hedgehog!"

::

Sonic: *Choke*

Snake: Oh my –laughs- oh my GOD!

Sonic: Why you...!

::

Suddenly, Nana, his wife, had a child. However, this child wasn't like any other child, it was a half boy half hedgehog. His upper half was a hedgehog, but his lower was a boy's. But what was worse was that the upper body was blue. When Nana saw him, she was terrified out of her wits, and said, "LOOK! YOU HAVE BROUGHT ILL ONTO US!"

But Red replied, "Nothing can change him, my dear. The boy must be christened, but we will not be able to get a godfather for him."

Nana retorted, "We can't call him anything else except for Sonic the hedgehog."

::

Snake: Now I see why it's called "SONIC the hedgehog!"

Sonic: My mother isn't Nana and my father isn't Red! And that name is completely out of the blue! What's wrong with this story!

::

After he was christened, Red said, "He can have no ordinary bed, his spikes will pierce the sheets."

And so little Sonic had to sleep behind the stove, on a pile of straw.

::

Snake: Hobo.

Sonic: Shut up!

::

His mother would not suckle him, for she was afraid that Sonic would prickle her. So Sonic laid behind the stove for eight years, and Red said to himself, "How I wish that child would die!"

But the Halfling would not die; he remained behind the stove for another eight years.

::

Sonic: Wouldn't I die by then?

Snake: No, they gave you stuff to eat probably…

::

One day there was a fair, and Red decided to go to it. He asked Nana what she wanted form their and she replied, "Some steak and eggplants, my love." Then he turned to his son, hiding his revulsion, Red asked, "And what would you like, my son?"

Sonic replied, "Some red running shoes, father!"

So Red went to the fair and arrived home with the eggplants, steak, and shoes. Giving the first two to his wife, he finally handed the shoes to his child.

When Sonic had the shoes in his hands, he garbed his feet with them. At last, he went to Red and said, "Dear father, if you give me Snake, our anaconda, I will leave home and never come back."

::

Snake: *Looks horrified*

Sonic: *Doubling over with laughter*

Snake: Maybe I'll eat you…

Sonic: *Turns to stone*

::

Red was happy because of this, and willingly gave Snake away. Sonic ran to the forest in his red running shoes with Snake, but also took a herd of Foxes and Wolves with him which he intended to keep in the forest.

When he arrived in the forest, Sonic sent Snake high up in a tree and stayed below, running around the forest with his Foxes and Wolves, to hunt for things to eat.

He did this for four years, and suddenly, a king became lost in the large forest.

This man's name was Link, famous for his malice towards the poor.

Sonic spied on him from the tree, and rapidly went towards him.

Link jerked his entire body backwards when he saw Sonic, but collected himself quickly and asked the strange creature whether he could lead him to his kingdom.

Sonic replied with a yes, but demanded that Link should write a bond and promise him whatever he met first in the courtyard was his as soon as he arrived home. Link agreed to this, but secretly thought, 'This Halfling understands nothing, and therefore I shall write that he should NOT have what he wants.'

::

Sonic: This man…

Snake: You mean Link…

Sonic: …is an idiot

Snake: Agreed.

::

When Sonic led the king towards his kingdom, Link got safely home and saw his daughter in the courtyard. Remembering his promise to the Halfling, he told his daughter, Samus, all about it.

Samus was of course horrified that her father had done this, until Link reassured his daughter that he wrote that Sonic wouldn't get what he wanted, thus, the daughter was comforted.

"I would never, ever go with that Halfling! You have done well, father." Samus declared, hugging her father.

Of course, during all this time, Sonic went back to his forest, and continued breeding his Foxes and Wolves.

::

Sonic: Why am I called 'Halfling'?

Snake: *Shrugs* Beats me.

Sonic: And why do I breed 'Foxes and Wolves'?

Snake: You do realize it means your breeding Fox and Wolf?

Sonic: Che. Sucks for them.

::

After a few years, his Foxes and Wolves were overfilling the forest; therefore Sonic sent all of them back to the town, except for Snake.

Of course, the Foxes and Wolves killed off the swine and donkeys, making Sonic's old father, Red, come outside.

"What do you want, Halfling?" Red yelled in a hoarse voice.

Sonic yelled back, "If you do not kill my Foxes and Wolves, I will never return!" Red paused for a moment, but agreed after discussing with Nana.

So Sonic went back living in the forest for years, until another king came along, lost. However this time, the king, named Ike, was more famous for his kindness towards the peasants.

"Could anyone lead me to my kingdom?" He shouted up to the branches, expecting no one to answer.

"Yes, but I require payment." Sonic's voice came down unexpectedly, and Ike tilted his head up.

"Ah, then say your price." Ike said. Suddenly, a blue hedgehog's head popped from the foliage of leaves.

"Write a bond and promise me that whatever you meet first in the courtyard as soon as you arrived home is mine." Sonic demanded once again.

::

Sonic: That's so…Lame.

Snake: I know. You just ask for whatever he meets first in his courtyard? That's stupid. Not to mention that you just repeated the same thing you asked Link.

Sonic: SHUT UP!

::

Ike agreed to this, even if it was a little risky. When he wrote it down, Sonic willingly took him home.

Once Ike arrived back at his kingdom, he went straight to his courtyard, back straight, head high. No matter what, he told himself, he will hold his promise.

First thing he saw? His own daughter, Zelda.

::

Sonic: WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?

Snake: *coughs* First Samus, now Zelda? Damn Sonic, you're a ladies' man!

Sonic: Oh shut up….

::

After Ike told his daughter what he had done, he felt ashamed. But Zelda hugged him and kissed him on the cheek, finally telling Ike that for the love of her father, she would go willingly with the Halfling should he come to the kingdom.

::

Snake: *Mocking* Aww…you're going to get hitched to a full human, Halfling.

Sonic: I wonder what will happen to you, my dear anaconda.

::

A year passed by in the woods, and Sonic decided to go with Snake to the first kingdom. But little did he know that Link had ordered the men to kill, maim, injure, attack, and other hideous things to Sonic should he actually arrive.

When Sonic arrived at the first kingdom, he was met harshly, but sent Snake to sacrifice himself while he went to meet the king.

::

Snake: *shocked* Wh-wh-WHAT THE HELL?

Sonic: HA! Eat that Snakey!

::

"King, you have promised whatever you first met in your courtyard was to be mine, fulfill it!" Sonic yelled at Link, who was with his daughter looking pale.

Link covered his hand over Samus' hand. "You shall never take my daughter Halfling!"

Sonic smirked…

::

Snake: Che, why do these fairytales always include something about a princess?

Sonic: Because it's a fairy tale anaconda.

Snake: Halfling.

Sonic: Sacrifice!

Snake: Ladies' man!

Sonic: Um. Oh darn I can't think of anymore!

Snake: To take a leaf out of your book, "You're too slow!"

::

…and retorted in a loud voice, "Then I will kill you! Using my faithful anaconda, Snake!" Samus turned pale at this threat, and her father whispered urgently to her, "You must go with him my dear, or we will both die!"

So Samus donned a silk white wedding dress, and went to her new husband. Link despaired at the thought that he may never see his daughter again, but was surprised at the events that were happening right now.

Both bride and groom had walked to the top of the hill when Sonic suddenly said, "This will be the reward for your father's falseness. Begone! I will not have you as my bride!" And so Sonic kicked Samus, and she rolled all the way down from the hill, gathering sticks and twigs, and not to mention mud, on her white dress and blonde hair.

Therefore, Samus was disgraced for the rest of her life.

::

Snake: Tch. Where'd I go?

Sonic: Pff. You obviously died!

Snake: Mhm.

::

Sonic then went to the second kingdom, where the second king Ike had ordered the men to greet any Halfling kindly, wish him a long life, and to welcome him into the castle.

The Halfling entered the throne room where the king and Princess Zelda were sitting in. Zelda was wearing white, and was frightened at Sonic's form, but got over it remembering her promise.

Willingly, she went to Sonic…

::

Snake: 10 dollars you get scored.

Sonic: Perverted man.

::

And they went to bed together, but the princess was afraid that Sonic would prick her with his spikes. But Sonic reassured her, and said to Ike, "At the time of eleven, I will shed my hedgehog part, and your men must layer me with salves until I turn white."

::

Snake: That's incredibly gross.

Sonic: I like being a hedgehog thank you very much!

::

When the clock struck eleven, Sonic magically pulled his top half of the body off like clothing, and look!

::

Sonic: AT WHAT?

Snake: Shut up!

::

Sonic was a pale white on his human half, but his upper body was a dark blue.

::

Snake: *Choking with laughter*

Sonic: *Tears in his eyes*

::

So Ike's healers layered his upper half with magical salves, and soon his body turned into a similar shade of his lower body.

And so the princess and the now perfectly human Sonic, lived happily ever after.

But wait!

::

Sonic: What the heck?

::

Sonic and his newly named wife, who he nicknamed, Amy, went back to the town where he was born.

::

Sonic: NO!

Snake: YES!

::

They knocked on Sonic's old home, and Red, an old, grizzled man by now, came out with Nana.

::

Sonic: MAKE IT END!

::

"Be gone from my home! I do not have a son!" Red cried out when Sonic told him he was his old son.

"I'm your-!"

::

Sonic: THAT'S IT! NO! NO MORE!

Snake: You are so no fun…

::

Unfortunately, I didn't want to continue this part, but I hope you enjoyed the fairy tale!

And by the way, this is an actual fairy tale? I have a book full of them by Grimm!

So no flames, please?

P.S- This was purely for fun, RER! Read, Enjoy, and Review!

-Akira