To everyone who has reviewed: You are the reason I have updated. You gave me the much needed kick up the backside that made me click that little 'upload' button. Thank you.

'Words are powerful things, but feelings are as powerful as we make them.'

Lily arrived back at the tower, laden with bags of Christmas shopping and buoyed up on that wonderful feeling of having made a new friend. The fire in the common room was chuckling merrily, the air smelt of Christmas tree and mulling spices and the windowpane was frosted and glazed like molten sugar. Lily had her purchases wrapped and written and under the tree in no time at all, and before she'd realised it the day was done, the almost-full moon risen and she'd eaten dinner alone, without a hint of anything from James. Shrugging it off even as her stomach twisted a little, Lily took a bath, dried her hair and curled up in bed.

She slept sporadically, and her dreams were plagued with that awful feeling that there was something very important she was forgetting.

When she woke in the morning it was to that same uneasy feeling. The tower didn't seem to have any of it's smiling cheer that it had the night before, and Lily drank her morning tea in awkward silence. James was still conspicuously absent. The post owl came, bringing with it the Daily Prophet, which announced her's and James's soul bond as being confirmed by healers in St. Mungo's. Lily didn't bother reading it in depth; she had no intention of starting her day either fuming or in tears. Along with the newspaper was a letter from Apolline, which was a much more welcome arrival.

Dear Lily,

I had such fun yesterday that I just thought I ought to send you a thank you note. It's not often I meet a young lady who is confident and polite enough to make friends with someone such as myself. You are a special, and most importantly, good right through the middle kind of person, and I hope you retain that all of your life.

Merlin only knows you must think me a gushy, mushy kind of person now, but perhaps I can explain; I have never really had a person I could call a friend before yesterday. Maybe that will excuse me.

Anyway, I was wondering if you would like to meet up again some time soon, before the Potter's New Year's ball? I seem to recall being told that if permission is gained from the Headmaster, a guest of the head girl or boy may be granted entrance to the castle? I know it is difficult for you to get away from your duties too often so maybe I could visit you, instead of you having to take time out to visit me?

Hoping you enjoyed yourself as much as I did,

Apolline.

Lily sat back and smiled widely, skimming back over the letter. Suddenly her eyes stopped, and realisation flooded through her. Apolline thought she was good and nice and, and, and... oh Merlin what the hell had she been thinking, oblivating James? When all he'd ever done to her was nothing but kindness? She was walking all over him like some kind of troll! Oh god what had she done? Damn it why wasn't she at least a bit less able to take a side trip to denial-land, like she had done all of yesterday?

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Lily spent the rest of the day and the day after that trying to find James, but he remained elusive, almost as though he knew where she was all the time, and went out of his way to avoid her.

Apolline stepped out of the floo and into the Head's Tower, and Lily looked up from her DADA essay, smiling in welcome.

"Tea?" She offered, as way of greeting

"Oh, please." Apolline shrugged out of her pale blue outer robes, and held them awkwardly for a moment before Lily realised and took them off her with a faint blush

"Sorry, I'm not doing a very good job of being a host here, am I?" Lily said sheepishly "Please, have a seat and I'll just go and grab your tea. How do you take it?"

When the two girls were settled with their tea on the sofa, and chatter had flowed between them as they re-aquatinted, Lily came to the decision that Apolline was as good a person as any... in fact, the only person Lily could think of to talk to.

Lily bit her lip and tried to resist reaching up and grabbing a strand of hair to twiddle.

"What's the matter, Lily?" Apolline asked, tipping her head curiously, making her blonde hair ripple and shimmer just enough to make Lily jealous.

"Have you ever done anything awful?" Lily asked hesitantly "Like, really, really, unforgivably awful?"

Lily squirmed as Apolline eyed her closely. The older girl was silent for a moment, before she nodded "Of course I have. Everyone has. Why, what's bothering you?"

Lily hung her head and swiped angrily at the tears which pooled in her eyes as the guilt pooled in her stomach "Oh god, I've... I've..."

Apolline tutted sympathetically and got up to sit by Lily, swinging an arm over her shoulder in support "You'll feel better for talking about it." She offered

Lily nodded slowly. That's what her father had always told her. Whenever she'd done something, her mother would be quick to reprimand her, but her father would shake his head in disappointment, and then sit her down on his lap (even when she was really far too big to sit on anyone's lap) and say 'Talk to me, Lily.' And she would talk, and he'd listen, and then he'd offer some soft spoken advice, smile at her and mention that it was a lovely day and maybe she ought to go outside and catch some fresh air - clear her head a little, maybe?

"Lily?" Apolline prompted, looking worried

"James told me he loved me, and I panicked and oblivated him." Lily bit out in a rush

Apolline leant back and blinked, and Lily hung her head. For a moment, there was silence, but soon enough Lily's sobs broke it.

"Oh Lily." Apolline sighed "For such a grown up young lady, you're still a little girl inside, aren't you?"

Lily sat up, red eyed and snivelling, and scowled.

"I'm not!" She sniped, but the effect was ruined by her shaky voice

Apolline finished the last her her tea, and stood up to take her mug back to the kitchen area. She returned with some biscuits she'd clearly found in the cupboard, and waved them in front of Lily's nose. With a bit of a huff Lily took one and nibbled on it.

"Well then. We need a plan." Apolline said finally, seeming to have decided Lily had stewed enough "Have you tried to apologize?"

"He's avoiding me. I can't even find him through our link." Lily said, sadly

Apolline winced a little "Alright, so we can be fairly certain he knows about it then. You know, you two just need to talk. But first, I think, you might need to come to terms with the whole concept of loving someone."

"What?" Lily asked, eyebrow cocked "What does that matter? And I'm perfectly able to love people, you know!"

Apolline rolled her eyes "Lily, you went as far as wiping someone who you have a soul bond with's memory just to avoid the whole problem of love."

Lily sat for a moment, and then "Damn it." She grumbled "Maybe you're right. Y'know, just a little bit."

Apolline laughed.

Lily jumped as the portrait door swung open, and craned her neck to see around Apolline to see who had come through the portrait. Sirius's angry grey eyes stared back at her, before he whirled around and tossed his outer robes with impressive accuracy, landing them on the hook next to Apolline's pale blue robes. He kicked his boots off and made a show of putting them in a neat row next to the other shoes, glancing at Lily as if daring her to tell him off for mocking her.

Apolline turned and eyed Sirius, and Lily felt smug as Sirius stopped his little angry act and openly stared at Apolline, before blinking and shaking himself like a dog and coughing awkwardly.

"Well, you ruined my entrance." He told the half vela, eyes still glued to Apolline

Apolline winked at Lily, and turned back to Sirius "Well, if you want to go outside and do it again, I'll stay in the kitchen so I don't distract you." She offered

Lily waited for one of Sirius's ridiculous suave lines, but one never came; he was simple stood staring at Lily's new friend with glassy eyes.

Again he shook himself out of it, this time with an angry growl. "Stop it." He told Apolline gruffly "I'm trying to be angry here."

Apolline smirked, but whatever it was she was doing that Lily had even noticed seemed to stop, because Sirius came and sat on the floor in front of the fire and turned to Lily with a sigh.

"You've really messed up, Evans. I think you've broken James. I've never seen him in such a state. He won't even tell us what's happened. What the hell have you done?"

Lily's sobs returned as she told Sirius what she'd told Apolline "He t-told me he l-l-loved me, and I panicked, and I... I... I o-oblivated him."

Then her sobs turned to unabashed hysterics, and Sirius rocked backwards in surprise.

"Holy Merlin, Evans. I don't even know what to say. What the hell made you do that?"

And then Lily was talking without even really thinking what she was saying "W-well everyone who loves me dies, and I d-don't want him to die, I really don't, I just... I well... if he died I don't know what I'd do. It's better, he shouldn't, if he doesn't love me, he'll be alright. He can't die, Sirius! Please, I can't... I don't... I love him. He can't die!"

Lily vaguely registered Apolline hugging her and muttering soothing words into her ears, and Sirius smoothing her hair down but stopping when his hands snagged the knots and instead patting her shoulder awkwardly. Mostly though, all Lily was aware of was the horrible, physical pain at the thought of James dying. She didn't even realise she'd said she loved him. Just that if he died...

After an immeasurable amount of time had passed, Lily had calmed from hysteria to exhausted shaking. She fell asleep on the sofa, Apolline holding her like Tuney used to when they were little and Lily fell over and grazed her knee, and Sirius talking in deep, low tones to Apolline. Lily only caught small snippets, most of them being either her name or James's.

When she woke, it was to the sight of James sat in the chair in the corner of her room, frowning. He had deep bags under his eyes, and his hair was drooping as though it was just too much effort to stay messy like it normally was. Lily assumed someone must have levitated her off the sofa and into her bed. Noticing she was awake, James gave an awkward cough.

"Hey." He said quietly, voice thick

"Hey." Lily returned, sitting up quickly and staring at him, unsure he was really there.

"So." James said

"I'm so sorry!" Lily burst out, tears springing to her eyes even though she was sure there couldn't be any more left to cry "Please, please!"

James stood up and crossed the room, sitting down on the bed beside her "Sirius told me." James cut off her apology "And I understand, Lily, I really do. But you shouldn't have done it. Do you have any idea how much it hurt me? I thought you were... I thought... well, I don't know what I thought. But I felt like I knew you, really knew you, and then you went and did something so far out of what I thought you would do, and it makes me wonder if I really know you at all."

"No!" Lily got out, voice strangled "James, please! I didn't mean to! I just..."

James got up off the bed, shaking his head "I need some time, Lily. You can't keep taking all the time. I'm a person too, you know."

In a last ditch attempt, Lily forced open their link and all but threw all her emotions across it, shoving everything she was feeling at James, even the things she herself didn't understand. All the turmoil, all the pain. All the hope and the joy and the faith she'd been feeling since they became friends. All the trust and the fear and the love.

James swayed a little and reached a hand out to steady himself on the wall, gasping a little at the sudden overload. He sank down, sitting on the floor, and Lily scrambled out of bed and rushed over to him, crouching in front of him, worried she'd hurt him.

"James?" She asked quietly, "James, are you alright?"

He took a gulp of air and nodded slowly, lifting wide eyes to look up at her. Lily's stomach flipped as she tried to understand what he was thinking without invading his privacy and peeking through their link.

He reached a hand up slowly, gently, and caught a strand of red hair, braiding it gently between two fingers.

"James?" She whispered

"Shhh." He returned, hand snaking behind her neck and pulling her down to his lips, kissing her so softly Lily could almost have believed it was an accident. He pulled away after nothing more than a butterfly's touch to her lips and gazed at her cautiously, waiting for her to bolt. Lily stared back.

"Shall I try again?" James murmured, not waiting for her answer "I love you, Lily."

"Merlin knows you shouldn't, James." Lily pleaded "You'll get hurt. I'm a bad luck token. Please, don't say it!"

James smiled softly "It's too late, Lily. I love you, whether you want me to or not. I love you, even though you're irrational and awkward and hot tempered. I love you, and you love me too, even though you don't want to."

Lily bit her lip and stared at him, and realised maybe he was right. Maybe she did love him, even though she was terrified to. Even though all she could see was blood on a cream carpet that her mother had cleaned every day. Even though she could just tell, somehow, that it would all end horribly. Somehow, something in him just made her not care. Made her think it was okay to care, to love, if she wanted to.

She didn't know how to say it. Wasn't sure she could trust herself to pronounce the words. So instead she pushed her lips to his and melted into his lap, threading pale fingers into his dark hair and shivering as he ran his tongue along her bottom lip. Somehow, her body was reacting even when her mind was scared to silence. And this time, she didn't wonder if he had used lip-balm or if she'd remembered to send Petunia's present in the post early enough to arrive on time, she just felt. Just lived in the moment of James's tongue against hers and his hands trailing from her neck, one into her red hair and one to cause shivers down her spine as it trailed her backbone lower. Didn't pause to be embarrassed when she arched her back to get closer to him because it all felt so damned good and she just wanted more. Didn't even realise she was tugging and pulling on his hair, pulling him closer to her. It was only when suddenly (and how did that happen without her realising it?) James's hand brushed over her nipple that she froze, and James pulled back, ears red.

"Sorry." He muttered

"I love you." She replied, and then the two stared at each-other for a moment, neither sure she'd actually just said that or if they were both hallucinating.

The door burst open "Aww you two are just too cute! Aren't they cute, Sirius? Don't you just want to find someone like they've found each-other? Don't you?" Apolline gushed, tugging a horrified Sirius by the hand through the doorway and into the room. "Oh I'm so glad you two have worked it out! You will mention me at the wedding, won't you? Actually, I wouldn't mind being Godmother, you know, to your children. Oh it couldn't have happened to two nicer people! Right, Sirius?"

Sirius pulled a face "You know what, Polly, I think this is decidedly awkward. Let's go."

Lily stared after Sirius and Apolline as Sirius dragged the bouncing, happy half-vela out of the room after him.

"Did he just call her Polly?" James asked, sounding worried

"You know, I think he did." Lily replied, and then giggled a bit "I never saw Sirius as one for pet names."

James sniggered "Ahh, that's brilliant. Sirius - 'pet' names! Oh the irony."

Lily pulled a face "Clearly that's another one of those 'you wouldn't understand' jokes, isn't it?"

James nodded, still laughing "Yeah, it is."

Lily rolled her eyes, but smiled a litte - boys will be boys, after all, she concluded.

"So. Where do you want to go from here?" James asked, sounding cautiously optimistic

Lily blinked "Um... Uh... I'm not sure. Can't we just, I dunno, see where things go? I mean, we don't have to decide anything so it's not awkward in public, because we supposedly have a soul bond," Lily rolled her eyes, "So no matter what, people will think we're... Well, soul bonded. Can't we just not worry about it?"

James ruffled his hair "Lily," He began, and then paused with a sigh "Alright. Fine. You live in denial for a while, and I'll just put up with it. I don't mind."

Lily felt her stomach drop and she scrunched her eyebrows in sadness and confusion. Didn't he see she was struggling with this as it was? Couldn't he just give her a bit of time? But then, maybe somewhere in the back of her mind, her father's voice sounded. Shouldn't she see that he was actually giving, again, and all she was doing was taking what she wanted without a thought for him?

Lily tugged gently on a strand of red hair in thought, and then decided maybe it was time to dredge out a bit of Gryffindor bravery.

"James... Will you, um, g-go out with m-me? You know, like a b-boyfriend would?"

James glanced up, and his face split into a blinding grin. "You know, Lily, I think I'd love to."

And Lily smiled back, and maybe, just maybe, it would all work out, after all.

It was awkward for the rest of the day. Lily wasn't quite sure how to be someone's girlfriend - at least, not in this kind of serious, meaningful way it seemed to be. With her muggle boyfriend it had been more of a... Well, a friendship that the pair of them labelled as a relationship because they both thought it would make them look cool, maybe without even realising that was what they were doing. James seemed just so filled with happiness is made Lily feel guilty for not sharing his enthusiasm. Apolline seemed overjoyed that she'd 'fixed' their argument, Sirius seemed head over heels for Apolline, and Remus and Peter were both cold with Lily, clearly not having forgiven her for the pain she caused James.

Apolline stayed for dinner, and it wasn't until she'd left that it actually occurred to Lily that the next day would be Christmas eve. As the night drew in, Lily and James remained curled on the sofa, talking lethargically about this and that, listening to the fire bubble away merrily and smelling that wonderful Christmas-tree smell. Without the others there, the awkwardness was gone, as though it had lingered only because the pair were not comfortable with their public relationship of a soul-bond rather than any awkwardness from their new (real) relationship.

"You heading for bed any time soon?" Lily asked, toying with her hair idly and stifling a yawn.

She felt James shrug next to her and shuffle a little "Sorry; dead leg from you sitting on it."

Lily knew her cheeks were heating and she quickly shifted to the other end of the sofa "Sorry." She muttered

James threw her his lopsided grin and reached over, pulling her back to him "Don't be daft. And yeah, I guess I'll head to bed soon. I'll, erm, be having a late night tomorrow."

"Are you one of those people who stay up on Christmas Eve, waiting for Christmas Day?" Lily asked, curiously

James gave an awkward gesture "Not exactly, no. It's more like... Marauder tradition. Guy stuff."

Lily raised an incredulous eyebrow "Now there was a lame explanation if ever I heard one."

"It's, ah, not my secret to tell." James said after a moment "Anyway, I think I'll turn in now. Night, Lils."

He leaned over to kiss her goodnight, and Lily being Lily turned suddenly, not expecting him to be so close to her face, and ended up bumping her nose into him.

"Sorry!" She gasped out, red-faced and mortified as James laughed "Hey, don't laugh at me!"

He quietened to a chuckle "I'm not laughing at you, promise. Will you give me my goodnight kiss?"

Lily pouted childishly and folded her arms, laughter in her eyes "No, I don't think I will."

"Well then," James said, standing up "I'll just have to take it, won't I?"

And he picked Lily up, ignoring her giggling and shrieking, planted her on her feet and kissed her nose "That's to make sure your nose gets better." He announced, and then he kissed her properly, enough to make her gasp and shiver and his mouth left hers just when she was sure she would implode and moved down her neck and then - oh god, oh merlin - he hit that little patch behind her ear and she moaned loudly and grasped her fingers into his shirt enough to crease it horribly and she knew she'd never felt anything like this and his hands were everywhere and then... He was gone, leaving her floundering, and grinning at her with smug self-satisfaction, lips swollen a little and hair messier than normal.

"Night Lily." He said, and then he was gone, Lily just barely registering the sound of his bedroom door swinging shut through her daze.

It was only when she was tucked up in bed, about to fall asleep, that she realised he'd made her forget all about the 'guy stuff' he claimed was Marauder tradition.

Lily woke slowly on Christmas Eve, stretching like a cat and almost purring in contentment. The smell of tea drew her to sit up, and sure enough there on her nightstand was a mug of tea with a heating charm over it to keep it warm. Sipping slowly, Lily picked up the note that was accompanying it.

Morning Lils,

Just to let you know, I've had a bit of a panic attack and realised I've not bought everyone's Christmas present. So I've made a mad dash to Hogsmeade (and if I can't find everything I'm after I'll head on to Diagon) with Sirius (who claimed he was getting stir crazy, but I think you and I both know he's just hoping on some small chance that Apolline will be there). Hope you have a good Christmas Eve! Like I said, I'll be with the guys all night - tradition - so I'll see you Christmas Day morning, alright? Oh, and stay inside tonight, won't you? It's supposed to be really cold and it wouldn't do for you to be ill on Christmas day.

James

Beneath his name was scribblings, as though he'd repeatedly written kisses and then crossed them out and then rewritten them again. Lily smiled at his awkwardness.

With nothing better to do, Lily sat and wrote letters to the many family members and friends who she would normally have seen for Christmas, but wouldn't this year as she'd stayed at Hogwart's. It was awkward and difficult, knowing everyone reading her words would shake their heads and mutter about how sad it was that Lily, poor little Lily, would be spending her first Christmas without her parents trapped in that posh Scottish boarding school.

The day dawdled by, Lily eating lunch in the Great Hall for a change, eating with two second year Hufflepuffs who were in awe of her, and wanted all the details on her soul bond with James. It was strange for Lily to be actively interacting with the younger years, without it being for a purpose, such as tutoring. Feeling a little like she'd done a good deed, Lily then wiled away a few more hours in the library reading up a little on the numerous bonds of the wizarding world. Engrossed, Lily didn't notice the hours passing.

By the time she blinked owlishly at the back cover, it was dark, and Lily was cramped and chilled from sitting in the window seat of the library for so long. With it being the holidays, the librarian wasn't there to berate her for being in the library after closing time. Putting her books back carefully, Lily headed back for bed.

Last minute, in her pyjamas, Lily laid out her stocking and filled it, feeling a bit silly but knowing no one else would do it, and that she wouldn't feel like it was Christmas without a stocking. Biting her lip, she laid James's wrapped present under the tree and, with a quick glance back at the festive scene, headed for bed.

She fell asleep wondering if he would like it or not, trying to keep her mind off a lifetime's memories of happier Christmas Eve's.

When she woke, it was to a sudden feeling of overwhelming excitement, before she'd even realised it was Christmas morning - her mind hadn't quite woken up yet. Lily could almost taste the adrenalin pounding through her blood stream, and she was breathing fast even though she'd done nothing but sleep dreamlessly. It almost felt like it wasn't her own emotions, they were so sudden and foreign from the moment. Slipping out of bed and shivering in the cold air of the castle, Lily headed for the window.

It was snowing big, fat flakes. All the grounds were covered with fresh snow, footprints covered and everything illuminated by the huge full moon. Gasping a little at the sight, Lily hurriedly turned from the window, glancing at the clock by her bedside. 4:32 am.

Was that too early?

Nah. It was Christmas morning, and she'd be damned if she didn't follow tradition and honour what her and her mother had always done and head outside in the earliest moment possible.

She dressed, shoving jumpers over her pyjama top and thick fuzzy knee length socks over her pyjama bottoms, wrapping her Gryffindor scarf around her neck, mittens on her cold fingers and a hat over her messy hair. She shrugged on her warmest set of robes and her sturdiest shoes and hurried out through the castle, wand-light casting eerie shadows as she went, and pausing at the huge doors, still locked, that led to outside.

Lily slumped in disappointment. There was no way she could open them!

But then Lily remembered something James had mentioned once, in passing. House elves, he'd said, had all the power over the castle that the staff did; it was how they got anywhere they needed to, to clean. Lily knew house elves were summoned by calling their names, and she knew they usually had short names ending with -y. And she knew that Hogwarts had the biggest number of house elves in the country. It was worth a try.

"Drippy? squeak, squeak, Floppy, Moppy, Bobby, Boppy, Loppy, Doppy, Bonny, Bolly, Dolly, Molly, Jolly..."

"Miss? Is Miss asking for Jolly?" Asked the little creature who appeared with a crack

"Oh, thank Merlin! Yes, please, Jolly. Could you do me a favour and open these doors so I can go out into the snow, perhaps?"

Jolly looked doubtful, shaking her head slowly, ears flapping and wide eyes widening.

"Please." Lily begged "It's Christmas."

Jolly relented, and with a snap of her fingers, the huge bolts swung and cluncked open, allowing Lily to slip outside. The door swung shut behind her, and sealed itself again. For a moment Lily's stomach flipped, not sure she wanted to be locked out of the castle at night. Then she shook herself and laughed quietly. This was Hogwart's; the safest place in Britain. So long as she didn't stray into the Forbidden Forest, she'd be fine. The caretaker would simply open the doors when he normally did - at five.

With that in mind, Lily drifted around the snow covered ground, her mind years away in younger times when she'd be sledging or shrieking or snowballing, and her mother would make a snow angel with her and promise her that when they walked away and weren't watching, the snow angel would jump up and fly off to make snow somewhere else.

Lily flopped backwards onto the snow and stared up at the few remaining flakes still falling. It seemed that most of the snow had already fallen, and the sky was clear but for a few wispy remaining clouds. The stars were always brighter here, away from the light pollution of towns and cities, but they seemed to pale in comparison to the moon. It hung in the sky like a huge, wide cat's eye, watching the world with detachment.

Even though she could have sworn she'd cried enough, tears leaked from her eyes as she tried so hard not to think about everything she'd loved, and all that she'd lost. She sometimes felt so angry with herself for crying when there were people out there, surely, who had it worse than her.

Lily sat up with a start, holding her breath like a startled fawn, staring towards the Forest. Surely she'd just hallucinated that howl. No. No, there wouldn't be... What if that was a werewolf? What if... No. This was Hogwart's. She was safe, right? But...

Footfalls, muffled by the snow, of something large. Then, around the side of Hagrid's hut, a huge black wolf came bounding, and stopped dead at the sight of her, sitting in the snow. It loosened a huge bark, and Lily wondered if it was actually a huge dog, not a wolf. Then, a massive, majestic stag leapt over the boxes Hagrid had stacked near his hut, and skidded to a stop next to the wolf, also staring at her in what Lily felt sure was horror. She was frozen in fear, not comprehending how a stag and a wolf were stood next to each other with little care for each malicious.

Then came that hideous howl again, and out of the gloom came a warped, lumbering shape, baying at the moon. The other two animals snapped out of their shock, glanced once at each other, and then the stag bounded back over the boxes, and the wolf trotted over to her with no more malicious look in it's eye than next-door-but-one's toy poodle.

Lily, go with Sirius! Please, go! Run, Lily, please!

Lily shrieked then, suddenly coming back into the reality of the situation as James's voice echoed through her mind. James? What was James on about? How did he know? Where was he?

Lily glanced around wildly, and screamed as she saw the stag leap directly at the black shape, which her mind hysterically informed her was a werewolf. The stag's antlers caught the werewolf on it's soft underbelly, throwing it backwards into a tree. The stag chased after it, pausing when the werewolf let out a whimper of pain and stumbled to its feet, limping back into the forest the way it had come, the stag chasing it all the while.

The big dog-wolf whined at her, eyes pleading with her. Lily struggled to her feet, swaying from the shock, and bolted back for the castle doors, praying it was past five and the doors would be open. She flew up to them, hoping they would open, but instead her fists pounded on the frozen wood, with little effect. The dog (she was sure it was a dog, now she could see it in the light from the castle) gave a quiet, reassuring bark and sat down on the step, next to where she was stood. Terrified, and shaking from the shock, Lily didn't feel safe enough to sit down.

James? She called desperately James, was that you?

Lily, busy right now! ...I'm fine... You're fine... Breathe... See you soon... Happy Christmas.

She received it in short bursts, like whatever James was doing was taking up most of his concentration. Whimpering a little, Lily hugged her arms to her and leaned back against the castle doors. The surge of fear and genuine terror for her life brought back horrible memories of that day... She didn't want to remember her parent's murdur so brutally on Christmas Morning. Not like this. Not ever.

It wasn't long (although it felt like forever) before the castle doors swung open, and Lily hurried inside, prattling some rubbish about head girl duties to the scowling caretaker. The dog followed her, but Lily was too concerned with slamming the door shut to worry about the dog, which clearly meant her no harm. It followed her all the way up to the Head's Tower, but Lily was far past caring. She even grudgingly allowed it to follow her through the portrait hole and into the cosy safety she'd left behind little over half an hour ago.

The dog stared at her for a moment, head cocked, and then it morphed right before Lily's eyes into Sirius Black.

Lily screamed and shot a stunning spell at him, but it missed

"Woah, Evans, calm down! It's just me!" Sirius tried to sooth "Please, don't get violent!"

Lily could see him visibly restraining himself from some sort of joke or innuendo she was sure she didn't want to know about.

Lily sat down heavily on the sofa, put her head in her hands, and cried.

"Oh, hey, c'mon Evans, don't cry! It's Christmas, cheer up!" Sirius sat down next to her and patted her shoulder reassuringly "I know it's a bit of a shock when you nearly get eaten by a werewolf..."

"Y-You're an animagus." Lily said, and a hint of awe and jealously crept into her voice, before she frowned "You are registered, right?"

Sirius was silent for a moment, and then he said "Think how useful an animagus form will be in the war, if no one knows what it is. It might save lives, you know."

Lily had to admit she could see where she was coming from, but scowled at him just on principle. Plus, she was sure she'd never be able to become an animagus. Although if she did, what kind of animal would she become?

"Why were you... With the stag and with the w-w-were-w-wolf?" Lily asked, fear making her stutter

Sirius stared at the new flames in the hearth, only recently lit by a helpful house-elf, and then turned to Lily and said "They're friends, brothers even, and their secret is one they should share with you themselves."

It didn't take Lily much to work out James, Remus and Peter must have been tied in with the event in some way or other. Besides which, James had told her he would be with the other Marauders. She knew James wasn't a werewolf - she felt certain she knew him far too well for him to have become ill and sickly once a month and her not to have picked up on it. So that left the stag to be either James or Peter, and the werewolf to be either Peter or Remus.

Despite the fact that she held no discrimination against werewolves, it's one thing to claim you didn't hate them, and another thing entirely to not be terrified by them.

Somehow, she couldn't see Peter having a stag animagus. He just didn't have the... Well, the ego for it.

"James is the stag, isn't he?"

Sirius nodded slowly

"Which leaves Peter or Remus as the werewolf." Lily concluded, forcing her voice steady

She couldn't really see either boy as the blood-thirsty creature she met under the full moon, but again Sirius nodded slowly.

"Just so we're clear, I didn't tell you; you figured it out." Sirius clarified

Lily nodded, and the pair sat in silence, neither feeling particularly Christmassy, watching the dawn crawl across the sky, waiting for the others to return.

It was fully light when James and Peter stumbled through the portrait hole into the Head's Tower, both battered, bloody and bruised. Behind them, levitated carefully, floated Remus, who looked for all the world like he was dead.

"Oh god." Lily gasped out, quickly leaping off the sofa and helping to guide Remus's unconscious body so he was laid prone where she'd just been sat. Worrying her lip, Lily hastily summoned a bowl of warm water and a cloth from the kitchen, sterilising it with a wave of her wand and then gently tending to Remus's wounds, cleaning the huge gashes on his face and arms, and one on his chest. Once cleaned, Lily found they weren't actually that deep, just that they had bled profusely. Confident she could heal them, another flick of her wand had them slowly melding and meshing back together, until all that was left were harsh pink lines, tell-tale of newly healed flesh.

With a sigh of relief, Lily turned vanished the dirty water, replacing it with fresh, and made her way over to James, who was the next most-injured, where he was sat in front of the fire, trying to warm up.

Finally noticing everyone was staring at her, Lily asked a defensive "What?"

It was Peter who answered "Lily, Remus just nearly ate you, and you've just spent considerable effort to heal him without even once flinching."

"Hmm. I guess." Lily said, trying very hard to keep Remus-the-person and Remus-the-wolf separate. "But they're not the same, are they?" Lily pointed out "I mean, Remus isn't about to wake up and decide I look like breakfast, is he. It's the wolf that wants to eat me, not Remus."

"But Remus is the wolf." Sirius said quietly

Lily shook her head stubbornly "No, he's the boy. The wolf is just a... Just a... Well, a part of Remus that only comes out once a month. Plus it's not like I'm in any danger from him provided I remember to stay inside when it's a full moon, right?"

James looked like he was halfway between smiling, crying, and kissing her senseless "Lily, I swear, I honestly thought you were going to die. Please, don't do that to me again." He all but begged

Lily began to gently clean his arm, where the largest cut ran from his shoulder to just past his elbow, and looked up at him with slightly wet eyes "I thought I was going to die, too."

It was a weird thing to admit, seeing as not once had it actually crossed her mind directly; she'd been too scared at the time to really think anything but 'oh shit'. But now, looking back, she realised that she honestly had, in the back of her mind, accepted that death was a very real possible outcome.

James's jaw clenched, and he flinched a little as Lily pressed a bit too hard on his arm.

"Sorry!" Lily murmured, wincing with him

Lily finished cleaning and healing James's wounds in silence, and moved on to Peter, who had only a small cut on his face, but proceeded to whimper and whinge every time Lily went anywhere near it with the cloth.

"Peter's a wimpy, Peter's a wimp, Peter's a girly-girl!" Sirius sing-songed, and received a half-hearted tongue-tying jinx from the boy in question for his troubles.

Sirius laughed and tried to keep talking with his tongue tying itself in knots in his mouth "Pleepper's a thwimmppiee, Pleepwer's a uurlie-urgle!"

Lily snorted even as she tried to scowl at their childish behaviour, but it broke the awkward, tense silence. Remus stirred on the sofa, and Lily hurried over, leaving Peter to deal with his own wound, which in all fairness was little more than a scratch.

"Remus? Remus, can you hear me? Are you alright? Remus? Does it hurt anywhere? Can I get you anything, Remus?" Lily worried

Remus let out a garbled groan

"Hey Moony," James said, sounding cheery "Happy Christmas!"

"God, is it morning already?" Remus groaned out "What the hell happened last night?"

Sirius snickered "Well we got you really drunk... The last thing we saw was you being dragged away from us by a coven of vela..."

Remus blinked his eyes open and sat up "What?"

Sirius, James and Peter sniggered as though this was a long repeated, but still funny joke.

"Merlin, don't do that to me!" Remus grumped, but smiled tiredly "Hey, did someone say it was Christmas?"

In the end, the boy's presents were summoned up to the Head's Tower, and everyone opened presents together. Remus was tired and bruised, but even he seemed in high spirits, now the worst of the morning was over.

In the end, Lily had bought chocolates for Remus, unsure what else he would want. For Sirius, she bought 'Charming a Witch - a Book for the Socially Awkward', and was rewarded with howling laughter from everyone except Sirius, who scowled, and then asked "What, want my attention, Evans?"

"Well that was a rubbish come-back if every I heard one." Lily sassed, and the hurriedly handed out some more of the presents in the hopes she wouldn't be pulled into an all out battle of sarcasm, which she knew full well she wouldn't win.

For Peter, she had bought a new set of exploding snap cards, having heard him complaining to James that his old set had been eaten by Sirius. At the time, she'd thought they were joking, but now knowing Sirius was a dog animagus, she wasn't too sure. He seemed pleased with them, and thanked her with a watery smile.

I'll give you yours later. Lily promised James

James sent her a molten smile, making her flush

Sirius gave a mock cough "Not in the living room, children, please!"

"Oi!" Lily called at him, catching his attention just in time to throw balled up wrapping paper at him "This is my living room; I'll do what I want in it, thank you very much!" She told him, but her eyes sparkled with mischief and no one took too much offence.

Remus gave her a new quill set and some ink, with a smile "Seeing as how fast you're getting through those essays these days, I figured you'd be about in need of some more quills and ink."

Lily smiled sheepishly "Thanks, Remus. I was actually about to owl order some, you're right; I've almost run out."

Peter gave her some Honeyduke's Finest with a shrug "I wasn't sure what to get you." He said

Lily grinned "Chocolate's always a good bet." She told him "Thank you!"

Sirius had a very worrying look on his face when he handed her, her present from him. His eyes were bright and his lips were twitching and one eyebrow was slightly cocked. Lily could tell this was about to be much more embarrassing than her gift to him.

It was a huge box of condoms.

Lily turned bright red and stared at it in abject horror. She knew, of course, what condoms were. But, well, she'd never actually even held one, never mind about a box of them. Ohhh god. Oh merlin. How embarrassing. What should she do? She couldn't shriek and drop the box, right?

James reached over and grabbed the offending item out of her hand "Extra extra large, thanks Pads. How did you know?"

Lily let out a small squeek and turned, if possible, even redder.

Sirius managed to ruffle her hair with a laugh "Breathe, Evans. I've got you a real present here, you Pumpkin Pasty."

Sirius handed over another box, which rattled ominously when shaken. It turned out to be a pair of handcuffs.

"Sirius!" She shrieked, returning to her tomato colour

"Oh, sorry. Here I was figuring you were a bondage kinda girl. Not into the kinky stuff then? Shall I take them back?" He asked, reaching for them. Of course, the natural reaction when someone tries to take something off you is to try and keep it... So Lily snatched the gift closer to herself, which prompted another round of howling laughter which even Lily had to join in with.

Frank had bought her a Potions book, Apolline had bought her a beautiful leather purse, with a rose on it, which made Lily wonder if her gift of some scented bath creme and shower gel was too little. Her sister had sent her a small notebook, which while pretty felt rather inadequate coming from a girl she'd grown up admiring. Her aunt and uncle sent her £10, which was nice, but impersonal.

"Let's leave the love-birds to themselves for a bit." Remus proposed, now able to stand up and walk, if slowly

The three remaining Marauders left, with plenty of wiggling eyebrows and snickers.

James rolled his eyes at Lily, who was busy vanishing all the wrapping paper, as if to say 'What? I have no control over them, you know that.'

Lily handed James his present with slightly clammy hands, after tapping it twice with her wand and then warning James to keep the box flat.

He took his time unwrapping it, and Lily grew more and more nervous as time passed.

When he finally pulled the lid off the box and peered inside, he turned to Lily with a blinding grin "You didn't."

Lily bit her lip

James reached inside and gently picked out the little kneezle kitten, (still a bit blurry from the stasis charm Lily had just removed from it) smoothing down it's puff-ball grey fur and grinning as it purred at him, blinking wide green eyes.

"I've always wanted a kneezle." James admitted "But my mum's allergic. How did you know?"

Lily smiled and shrugged "I didn't, actually. I just saw him, in the shop window, all wide eyes and fluffy fur and I couldn't resist. I hoped you'd like him. Do you know what you're going to call him?"

James stared at the kitten, which was now beginning to venture, cautiously, into it's new surroundings, then shook his head "Actually, I've not got a clue. What about you, any names?"

Lily blinked in surprise "Oh no, he's yours, you ought to name him."

James smiled at the reminder of his new pet, watching the kitten who was eyeing the Christmas tree as if wondering if it was a huge climbing frame. James reached out and caught him gently "I don't think Lily'll like you if you destroy her Christmas tree." He told the small ball of grey fluff.

"I'm sure it'll come to me," James said "Now, your present..."

He handed her a small square box, wrapped carefully in shiny gold paper. Lily knew what it would be. She found herself sobered quickly, shaking as she picked the paper open, but as she pulled the ring box out of it's wrapping, somehow a smile grew across her face. Maybe she was ready for this.

The ring was simple, but beautiful. It was a very thin gold band, with a traditional (and much bigger than any diamond that she'd ever seen before) diamond mounted on it, just like the engagement rings in fairytale stories.

"It was my great-grandmother's." James said quietly

"I... I..." Lily stuttered out, not at all sure what to say "Will you... Will you put it on for me?" Lily asked

James took the ring out of it's box and made to put it on his own finger "Sorry Lily, I don't think it'll fit me."

Lily rolled her eyes and let out a little gasp of laughter "That's not what I meant, you prat, and you know it."

Smiling, James took her left hand and slid the ring onto her finger. It was much to big, but then it seemed to give a little shudder, and shrank to fit her finger exactly. Lily bit her lip and looked up at James.

"It's beautiful. Thank you."

James gave a smile, and pulled her to him "You're mine forever now, you know that?" He said, sounding playful

Not sure what to say, Lily kissed him instead.

So. I'm sure you've all been waiting for that! There are a couple of twists I've still got planned... don't take anything that's happened so far for granted, please - remember for the vast majority of this, it's been from Lily's perspective even though it's in the 3rd POV... so do keep that in mind!

Any ideas on names for the kneezle kitten? I have a few in mind, but I'm open to suggestions!

If you can spare a few seconds to review, I would very much appreciate it - anyone who's a writer will know that a few words can make a lot of difference :)