Disclaimer: If I owned glee I wouldn't be writing this here.

Title: Out of control

Rating: T (For now)

Spoilers: Season 2. It happens after the whole Furt episode, but there's no much reference to it.

Summary: What's wrong with me? Santana feels lonely and frustrated.. She doesn't know what to do.. Set after "Furt".. Brittana and some PezBerry friendship. I suck at this, just go inside and read.

Special Thanks: As always, thanks to the ever wonderfull Liontiger. An amazing person and writer! Thank you so so sooo much!

A/N: I really want to apologize for the long wait guys! I'm so sorry! I blame the holidays and then everything went crazy!... But, I hope you enjoy this chapter! 2 more to go and we're done! Thank you all for the reviews!

Chapter 7 - Contradictions

Contradictions don't need to be negative, per se. The thing is that every contradiction has an explanation to which we're not yet prepared to face. Because of that, we don't have to run away from them; we need to face them and see where they take us… Because it is within our contradictions that the solutions we're looking for exist.

All of us have contradictions. Indeed, we need the conflict that these contradictions introduce as a step to find the things we want… or the things we do not want.

What's that something that confines you but that you want? What's that something that you want but you resist? What's that something that you resist but sets you free? What's that something that sets you free but condemns you? What's that something that condemns you but that you love? What is it that you love but that you reject?

I'm a walking contradiction. And every question I ask myself, every answer I get, every path I take, everything: leads me to you.

Maybe I'm not good at expressing myself - my emotions, my feelings - but that's because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that instead of answering my questions, I'll become more confused, more contradicted. So I take shelter in my rudeness, in my feeling of superiority; the one that makes me think that because I'm Santana 'Satan' Lopez, then I don't have to explain myself to anyone, or feel anything for anyone. That's my comfort zone, and as I get more comfortable I am more alone. As I become more alone, I try to shelter myself more, and it's all a vicious cycle that's killing me. But the worst part is I'm too much of a coward to step out of it. Or at least I was, until recently. Now I'm making amends, trying to change. For me, more than anyone, but also for you. Because I love you, and you - and me - deserve a better me.

I don't know how it happened, how you turned into the only one that has made those walls crumble, but I let you in. Somehow you slowly became someone I couldn't live without, someone that was a part of my days, of my nights, of my dreams, of my goals, of my success. In all sense of the words, you became a part of me. Because you can make me feel I'm perfect, untouchable. But you also have the weapons to destroy me. I gave them to you right at the moment I gave you my heart, and you had no idea of it. And now, I have granted you full access to them, right after the first 'I Love you' fell from my lips. And for once in my life, I felt the weirdest contradiction I had experienced with you, the weirdest I had ever felt in my entire life. I felt like if I was falling into an abyss. No parachutes, nothing on the sides to hold me, sure I couldn't fly. But the fall didn't bother me, because as I was falling, I had taken the greatest weight off my shoulders. For once I realized how good it felt not to put chains over my love for you, and it was wonderful. Even if I was dying a little because I didn't know how you were going to react, it felt right. I felt right.

"San, Breathe please…" she said slowly, caressing my back up and down in an attempt to make me calm down. –Sure, I had to ruin this because I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. Nice one, Lopez- "In, and then out, and then in, and then out," she said slowly as a mantra, just like every time I got like this. At least I wasn't crying, something I did very often when I was upset. My breathing was calming down. I couldn't stop staring at her with fear in my eyes. We stayed there, silent.

"It's ok. I get it," I said after a few moments, standing up quickly so she wouldn't have the chance to see my eyes filling with tears. I felt her hand on mine, stopping me from walking.

"S, calm down," she said quietly. –I can't calm down. I just told you I loved you and you didn't say anything!- I got free from her hand and walked quickly to pick up my stuff and went outside. I needed fresh air.

After a few moments, she came out after me. I cursed myself for two things. First, winter was coming soon and it was cold, and I was only wearing my cheerios uniform. And two, I suddenly had amnesia and I couldn't remember where the fuck I had parked my car.

"Please come inside. I'm freezing San," she said shivering.

"You go inside. I'll go home," I said harshly without turning around. "Let me know when you're home. It's late." Even after this slap in the face, I worry about her.

"You can't go. I have your keys," she said playfully. I checked my purse. –Damn it…-

"Give me my keys, Brittany," I said turning around and giving her a hard look, not a hint of 'playful' in my voice.

"Come get them," she said, daring me with an evil grin and walking towards the school. I think I was starting to hyperventilate again; not with nerves, but out of anger. I practically ran after her.

"Give me the keys. I want to go now," I said pressing my jaw, trying not to explode. –Calm down, Santana. Calm down-

"I won't let you go, S." -3…2…1…-"I don't want to" –oh shit…Boom?-

"What the fuck is your problem?" I shout angrily "Why do you want me here? You want to make me feel like shit because what I said didn't mean anything to you? Is this a sick game to you? Give me my freaking keys Brittany!"

"We're not sick, San," she said, oblivious to my shouting. "And why do you think it doesn't mean anything to me?" she asked raising an eyebrow. She looked very sure of her words, not many traces of the usual naiveté on her face.

"You didn't say anything!" –I have to stop shouting…calm down, Santana- "I told you I loved you! And you didn't say anything! Not even a fucking 'Thank you' or 'I hate you' out of courtesy! Nothing! Zero! You know how that makes me feel?".

"Thank you hurts worst, Santana. Trust me, I know…that was what I got when I said it to you," she said coldly. "Actually, 'Thank you, but don't be stupid. This is just sex.'"

"You're doing this because of that?" I said incredulously.

"No!" She seemed taken aback and hurt by my words. "I didn't say anything because you're used to getting everything when you want it, S, and that's not right," she said, her words filled with truth. I noticed how hard it was for her to say them.

"How can you think this is how I want it to be Britt?" I said, lowering my voice and walking closer to her, still doubtful.

"Not this. It's just that… you do this, and you want me to jump to you and tell you that I love you too and then everything will be alright like in fairytales?" –Well Yeah! Obviously! Is not that hard!-

"I never said that…"

"I know you. I know that is what you want, because everything is always like that to you, S." I looked down, she was talking the truth. "Why couldn't you tell me when I told you? I know you felt it. You were just afraid." I couldn't face her. "I love you too, S." she stated firmly. "I love you, and I can't believe you thought it didn't mean anything when you said it. You know me better than that." I looked up. If that hurt me, I didn't want to think about how much it hurt her to say it. Maybe like it hurt me to think she didn't care.

"I know, I know… I'm sorry… But… This is what you wanted too! I love you! You love me!"

"I love you, S, with all my heart, but I didn't want it this way" she said, looking away.

"This is the way it's become! It's hard, Britt! It's hard! I'm sorry it happened like this! But I can't go back in time! Why can't we do it this way? Can't we just enjoy it?" I shouted harshly.

"No…" she said plainly "And I'm sorry, S. I do love you. I love you. But it can't be like this… Not because of you, but because of me… I can't go back…" –Go back to what?- "I have to stick to my decision…"

"You choose him over me? You choose that asshole that doesn't know how to treat a lady, how to treat you… over me?"

"I choose me…"

"You're not making sense, Britt."

"You don't understand…"

"All I understand is that I love you, and you picked Wheels over me… over my love! Over our love! You said you loved me! Why can't you be with me now?"

"This is not going anywhere, S. And I don't want to fight with you. Go home…" she said, ignoring what I had said, and attempted to turn around to go back inside. I grabbed her arm to stop her.

"Don't throw me away! Answer me! I told you I fucking loved you! This can't be all you have to say!" I said, my voice breaking, pleading.

"San, just… don't… please, go home…" I let go of her arm and watched her go inside. I walked to find my car. –Life freaking sucks…-

I drove for a while around town, swearing like a maniac inside the car. I went to the little park close to my neighborhood. Night was closing in, but I needed to relax. This place was fairly nice, and I really didn't want to go home right now. I sat on a bench and listened to the Sad playlist on my iPod, mostly because if I listened to happy songs, I wouldn't cheer up. I would just want to hit all the singers in the face. I was enjoying my music until someone took one of my earphones out. –What the f…?-

"Why hello, Santana."

"Lady Fabulous, what are you doing here?" I said with an honest smile. I couldn't believe how much time has passed without seeing Kurt.

"May I ask the same question?" he said raising an eyebrow. –He was more ladylike than me, I swear- I shrugged, I really didn't want to talk about it. "I was just examining the ambiance for a little surprise d'amour I'm going to do," he said dreamily. I knew he was dating Blaine. "Finn told me about something he did here with Rachel and God…" he said, his face showing disgust for a moment, "I stopped him. I didn't want any details of course, but it seemed perfect."

"Oh! Sexing up this park? That's a change… just don't forget to pick up your feathers when you little warblers are done," I said grinning.

"Still the same Santana as usual. I don't get why I even bother," he said, standing up to leave dramatically. –I swear he's like Berry, but the gay man version-

"Chillax, Hummel. I'm just kidding," I said, making him sit again. "You know you're like a magnet for gay jokes."

"And you know that was why I changed schools…"

"You changed schools because you want to marry that Blaine kid," I said smiling. "You know it's true…" I said, hitting him playfully on the shoulder

"Maybe a little…" he said, smiling back.

"I always knew it. You're so gay, Hummel" I said with a grin. We both laughed.

"Just as gay as you, mademoiselle." –Panic-

"What?" I stopped laughing. It was his turn to panic.

"I figured that since we're not in school, we could talk about it…" He said, laughing awkwardly.

"Who told you?" –Fuck… now he knows he's right… Whatever I'm still going to kill Berry...-

"Oh please, Santana. The gaydar comes with the package. You know that," he said like it was obvious. "I've always known about you, Brittany, Sam… although I'm not very sure about him. I think he's trying to be straight because he's new and…"

"Stop rambling, drag queen. How long have you known?" I asked, surprised. But the anger had faded away.

"Hard to say. We've had study together since forever…but I confirmed it last year. It was too obvious." I came to a realization…

"I made your life hell all through school because you we're a fa…gay… Why didn't you say anything?"

"Oh sweetie, because I know how hard it is…" –And yet again, I prove what I've always known. I'm a shitty person, or everyone's too good-

"Uhm… Sorry, Kurt, for everything…" I said after a moment of silence. Really meaning it.

"Oh don't do that, girl. The 'sorry' look doesn't fit you at all," he said, looking at me down at me. "But apology accepted," he said softly with a little smile. I couldn't help but smile back. "And how is Britt's?" he asked grinning. The smile literally melted from my face.

"Great… playing house with wheels…" I said harshly.

"They're back together? I thought Artie ditched her long ago! And... wait! Are they an official couple? Why didn't Mercedes mention that on her 1200 updates of McKinley? Who's dating who is priority one! I swear I…" He stopped suddenly. "That's not important right now…right?" He laughed awkwardly –What was your first clue, Hummel?- "What happened with you two?"

"She freaked out over the most stupid thing ever. That's why she started dating Wheels in the first place. I don't even know why on earth she choose him over everybody… And then we had some ups and downs… And they got back together… And now she's on this 'Football player girlfriends' club with Berry and…well, it's fucked up…" –I believe I didn't make any sense whatsoever- He was giving me a funny look and I could almost hear the 'what…?' on the tip of his tongue. I sighed.

"Truth is, I freaked out over the most stupid thing ever… and then I tried to break her and Wheels off, but he's like a Hydra. You cut one head off and then two more grow back. It was a mess. Brittany found out, and it made things between us even weirder. Then they got together and Britt decided to be serious with him. I was mad… but I missed her. Then, I tried to be a better person, but I fucked things up even worse… And no, I don't think I can fix it, no matter what I do. I just love her. Is that so hard to understand?…" –Is it? Is it?-

"Oh, Dear God…you're talking like Rachel. Slow down" he said, amused. –Oh shit… it's contagious- "What I could understand from your.. rant was that you have a tendency to damage your relationship with Brittany - no matter how impossible that seems to me given the fact that Brittany is, well, Brittany. She loves every living thing.. and sometimes not so living things… What did you do that was so horrible it can't be fixed?" he asked, worried. –Why do I always turn out to be the bad one? Why does it have to be my fault all the time?-

"I told her I loved her," I said, a bitter smile on my face.

"And that's a bad thing because…"

"Because I'm an asshole and a coward, and I waited for so long to tell her…" I said, standing up and kicking the grass. "…And I deserve this. Because I hurt her so bad, making her think that she was just something I could use all the time, knowing that she loved me…" The words just flew of my mouth, but they were more for me than for him. "…And even though I know I got what was coming to me, it still hurts like hell," I said lowering my voice, sitting again. –It hurts like hell-

"It can be fixed, Santana. Just- well… give her time. She loves you. You were all she talked about when I was playing straight…" he said, trying to comfort me.

"I don't have time. Every minute she spends with Wheels, I lose her a little more. Because no matter how dumb he is, he makes her feel... loved. He cares about her. He gives her everything I never did, and she cares about him…"

"She likes Artie? For real… she loves him?" he asked horrified.

"Are you crazy? No! She doesn't. But I don't know why she cares enough to give it a try! A real one. She's, like, trying to be true to the atrocity of a relationship they have, and I'm losing the freaking battle. I don't know what to do now…" I said, almost freaking out –I was freaking out-

"Well… Can I be blunt?" I raised an eyebrow but nodded. "Not that I know what has happened between you and Brittany, but I do understand how people in denial tend to act. Therefore, I can only imagine how Brittany must feel, even if she lives in her haze of happiness. So, to be honest, a simple confession of love isn't going to cut it. You need to do more than that. And stop feeling sorry about yourself and act. Get your girl back. Wake up!" he said, snapping his fingers in front of my face. I was too distracted with his words to care about that. –But I'll keep it in mind to kill you later- "You need to show her that if she comes back to you, things are going to be different… and you need to know that yourself, because what's the point of getting her back if things are going to be the same? If you're still going to use her?"

"I'm not going to use her!" I said defensively and a little angry.

"Are you going to be in a committed relationship with her? A real one? I'm not saying you need to talk with Jacob Ben Israel and publish it all over the school, but a relationship that you acknowledge as one, to yourself and to the world if necessary," he said, not scared of my sudden anger. His words caught me off balance.

"I… I can't do that…" I said lowly to myself.

"Don't try to get the prize if you don't have a place to put it, Santana. Think about it," he said, gaving me a gentle pat on the back. My gaze was lost in the grass. "I'm going home. You should too. It's getting late…" I snapped out of my thoughts. It was getting dark. "You can talk to me any time. I promise I won't judge you and your gay troubles," he said with a smile. I couldn't smile back. His words were still on my mind. I said goodbye, almost in auto-pilot, and drove home.

Thank you for reading! Leave a review and let me know what you think!
Kisses.