Note: When you look at the facts, it becomes quite clear that I cannot possibly have written Harry Potter. For one thing, I'm not British. For another, I'm completely broke and live in a lousy college dormitory, not a rich woman in a nice house in the UK. I've also never been to the UK, which also complicates things. So it is not possible for me to be JK Rowling. Sorry, all you disappointed people.

Warnings: Total crack, language

Muggle Explody Things

Being a good pure-blood witch, Bellatrix Lestrange never really cared about Muggle stuff (well, unless she was blowing it up. That shit was just fun). Although she wasn't stupid, not after she' d accidentally got in the way of that thing Dolohov called a "truck," something Muggles used to move things around in. She knew that some Muggle things were extremely painful if utilized in the right way, but it still wasn't worth lowering herself to use them, anyway.

At least, that's what she thought until she came across something extremely interesting on a Death Eater raid. That night, Voldemort had decided to attack a Muggle coal mine, planning to kill all the Muggles in it. Unfortunately, said Dark Lord made one rather big miscalculation: there were no Muggles in it. Apparently, they went home before 10:00 PM. Who knew?

"Well, this sucks," Lucius Malfoy complained. "What are we supposed to do now? I thought there would at least be a few Muggles around to torture!"

"I guess they all went home?" Crabbe suggested. Decima Bightley, another female Death Eater, looked at the both of them as though they were the stupidest people she'd ever had the misfortune of interacting with.

"Did you honestly think that the Muggles would be at work this time of night? Do you work this late at night, usually? And I'm not talking about this job- what about your cover job? I kind of doubt it, unless you're an on-call Healer at St. Mungo's. And I know that neither of you are." Lucius looked grumpy.

"I wasn't the one who suggested this raid" he groused. "It was the Dark Lord's idea!"

"At 10:00 at night?" Decima retorted. "I kind of doubt that, he would be a really shitty Dark Lord if he decided to do raids on Muggle workplaces at night, especially places where there's very little chance a Muggle would be there." Dolohov rolled his eyes. The way this team fought, it was a wonder that anything ever got done.

"Why don't we just go the pub?" he suggested. And then he noticed something. "Where's Bellatrix?" Everyone looked around quickly, and indeed, the psychotic woman was nowhere to be found.

"...Shit," Bightley muttered under her breath. "The last time she disappeared like this, she accidentally Porkeyed herself to Tijuana for a week."

But, unfortunately for the Light and the Muggle World, Bellatrix Lestrange had not ended up in Tijuana this time. Instead, she was inspecting a crate full of weird red candle-things that had been left near the entrance to the mine. They were different from any candles she had ever seen before, though. They were rather fat, and had ridiculously long wicks. Still, they would provide a lot of light assuming that they actually were candles... maybe she'd take a few with her.

"Oh wait, she's over there!" she heard Lucius Malfoy yell. The rest of the team ran over to her.

"What did you find?" Alecto asked. Dolohov shrugged.

"Weird candles you got there, Bellatrix." Decima Bightley shook her head.

"It's not candles, you idiot, it's dynamite! Muggles use it to blow things up, like the Reducto curse, only not, since they have no magic. Although it's not like they use it for anything useful... usually they use it trying to catch talking rabbits that like to eat carrots, or birds that beep when they run. I learned it from the fellytision!"

"What's a fellytision?" Lucius Malfoy asked curiously.

"It's a weird box that has moving pictures and sound in it," the woman replied. "Muggles like to watch it."

"I didn't know Muggles had moving pictures" Dolohov sounded impressed. Decima shrugged.

"Eh, it's not that cool. It's just kind of... there." Bellatrix was looking at the dynamite with renewed interest.

"So this blows up? With fire?"

"Yeah..." Decima replied. Bellatrix's eyes gleamed with the kind of psychosis one usually sees in only the most dangerous serial killers. Which, technically, she was, but hey, who's counting here?

"MINE!" she roared, grabbing the crate of dynamite and hugging it tightly. "MINEMINEMINEMINE!"

"Bella," Lucius said carefully. "We have magic. We don't need Muggle explody things."

"But I want it!" the crazed woman whined, clinging even tighter to the box. "Do you really think Dumbledore and the other blood-traitors will be expecting us to use Muggle weapons? No, they'll think we're going to come at them with magic! We'll have the element of surprise on our side! Besides, I want to see how this stuff explodes!"

The others had to admit, Bellatrix did have a point... the Light would never expect the Dark Lord's followers to employ Muggle technology against them, and wouldn't have a way thought out to defend against it."

"Alright, fine, take the stupid dynamite," Lucius groused. "But for fuck's sake, woman, don't let the Dark Lord know you have it!"

Three Months Later, attack on the Order

"What the hell is going on?" Bill Weasely yelled, dodging the debris that came crashing down as a building collapsed around them. "Why isn't anything working?"

"They've got some sort of weird spell that takes out everything in the immediate area!" Mad-Eye Moody screamed back. "I've never seen anything like it!" He was about to say something more, but ended up having to dodge more collapsing concrete. Tonks, on the other hand, looked about as thoughtful as one can in a war zone.

"I don't think it's magic, actually. I think it's dynamite."

"DYNAMITE! WHO HAS DYNAMITE?" a Muggle-born wizard fighting on the side of the Order said. "No one uses dynamite!"

"Apparently they do..." Tonks said darkly, watching as yet another building came down. Bellatrix stood off to the side, levitating and lighting the explosives with her wand.

"Kyahahahahahahaha!" she laughed psychotically. "This is almost more fun than blowing things up by magic!"

END

Author's Comments:

Just something written to kill some time while waiting for the holidays. It's completely, unabashedly, ridiculous. And I love it.

Somehow I think Bellatrix would like explosives, even if they're not magical. She just seems to be the type who'd like to blow things up for the hell of it and wouldn't think twice about it.

-Kaboom