B'Elanna had been leaving Sandrine's when she saw Addison run by and go into holodeck two. She didn't know what to make of it, but decided it was none of her business.

She was halfway to her quarters when she changed her mind and went back. It was too strange, Addison deciding to use the holodeck this late at night, after drinking. Besides, as much as the woman had seemed to be having fun with them, B'Elanna could see that Addison was preoccupied.

When she got back to the holodeck, she checked the console. Addison had locked the doors and disengaged the safety protocols. From outside, B'Elanna couldn't tell what program was running, since it has just been created.

She didn't have the authority to go in, so she decided to call the Captain.

"Torres to Janeway."

"Yes, Lieutenant."

B'Elanna was surprised that the Captain had answered so quickly and sounded wide-awake.

"I'm not sure it's any of my business, but Ensign Blake just activated a program on holodeck two and disengaged the safety protocols. The doors are locked."

There was a moment of silence and then Janeway responded, "Thank you, Lieutenant. Will you please reengage the safeties and work on getting the doors unlocked. I'll be there in a minute. Don't enter until I arrive."

"Understood, Captain."

It took Torres only a moment to do both of those things and she waited impatiently for the Captain to arrive.

When she did, they entered the holodeck together.

Torres gasped when she saw Addison hanging from the wall, unconscious. There was barely any intact skin left on her back and a man was still beating her, although ineffectually now that the safeties had been reengaged.

B'Elanna looked at the Captain, who was keeping her cool, only because Torres was with her.

Janeway paused the program and rushed over to Addison. She grabbed her around her waist and only then ended the program, Addison slumping over when the wrist restraints disappeared.

"Janeway to the Doctor. We have a medical emergency in holodeck two. Please transfer yourself here."

The Doctor appeared immediately with his medical kit.

"Please state the nature of the medical emergency."

"Addison has wounds to her back. We just found her. She was unconscious when we arrived." Janeway was still holding her.

"Captain, I need you to lie her down on her stomach."

Kathryn slowly lowered Addison, not wanting to let go, but being forced to when the Doctor pushed her aside.

He scanned Addison's back and then the rest of her body. When he was finished, he administered a hypospray.

"She's going to be fine, although if she had lost anymore blood, it would have been a different story. I'm going to transfer her to sickbay."

As soon as the Doctor and Addison disappeared, Janeway's demeanor shifted. Her usually stoic face was full of panic and she was looking around as if she didn't know where she was.

B'Elanna touched Janeway on the shoulder, "Captain, would you like me to come with you to sickbay?"

Janeway looked surprised that B'Elanna was there and she said, "Yes, Lieutenant. Sickbay. Yes, we should go there."

B'Elanna surreptitiously watched the Captain as they walked through the corridors. She noticed Janeway's hands were shaking.

Torres stopped and said, "Captain. What's going on?"

"Lieutenant?"

"I don't want to overstep my bounds, but you don't seem like yourself. What's going on between you and Addison?"

"B'Elanna, it's really not something I'd care to talk about."

Torres nodded, "I understand that, Captain. I just want you to know that I'd be happy to listen, if you ever needed it."

"Thank you, B'Elanna. That means a lot."

They continued walking and Kathryn debated whether or not to say anything. She had always kept a distance between herself and her crew. But things had already changed. Besides, of all the people on the senior staff, B'Elanna was one that she connected the most with.

Despite her better judgment, she started talking, "Ever since we came back from the Kazon ship, Addison has been angry with me. She won't talk to me about anything. But, even more concerning is she has purposely been hurting herself. I don't understand it."

"What has she been angry about?"

"She says that I am too controlling."

B'Elanna chuckled, but stopped abruptly when she saw the look on Janeway's face.

"I'm sorry, Captain. It's just that, you do like to be in control of everything."

Janeway nodded her head, "It's okay. I already know that about myself. I'm finding it difficult to separate the relationship from my job. And Addison is getting the brunt of it. I'm only just realizing that I've made every decision regarding the relationship. Addison hasn't had a choice about any of it. Now, she's hurt herself, because of me."

Torres thought about that and then said, "Do you know why Klingons submit themselves to rituals where they inflict pain on themselves?"

Janeway wondered where B'Elanna was taking this but said, "To prove they can endure the pain."

"Yes, that's part of it. But they also do it to show they have control over themselves. It's one thing to endure something that's forced on you by somebody else. It's more difficult to endure something you're inflicting on yourself. Maybe that's what Ensign Blake is doing."

The more Janeway mulled over what B'Elanna had said, the more sense it made. Addison felt she didn't have control over her life. The one thing she could control, however, was her body.

They reached sickbay and walked straight to where the Doctor was examining Addison, who was lying on her stomach on the surgical biobed, under the sensor cluster.

"Report, Doctor."

He turned towards Janeway and said, "Captain. Can you tell me the last time Ensign Blake ate?"

Janeway looked guilty when she responded, "I made her eat a sandwich earlier today, but she threw it up right away. Before that, I don't know. She told me she last ate yesterday, but I'm not sure I believe her."

"Based on my scans, it seems she hasn't had any food in her system since she left sickbay three days ago."

Janeway looked appalled, "That's not possible. We had dinner together…"

The truth was, now that she thought about it, she couldn't actually recall seeing Addison put any food in her mouth.

The Doctor looked flustered at the look on the Captain's face and he said, "Well, luckily I can administer supplements which will offset the lack of nutritional content."

"What else, Doctor?"

"Otherwise, she will be okay. Her back took quite a beating, literally, but I am in the process of repairing the damage."

He looked at B'Elanna, who was standing behind the Captain, and then turned back to Janeway.

"Can I have a word with you privately, Captain?"

"Of course, Doctor."

She nodded at B'Elanna and then said, "Thank you for your help, Lieutenant. It is…appreciated."

Torres smiled softly, something Janeway didn't see her do very often, and left.

As soon as she was gone, the Doctor laid into the Captain, "Obviously, there is more going on here than I was aware of. How did Ensign Blake become injured tonight?"

"Is that relevant to your treatment, Doctor?"

"It is relevant to her mental well-being, which is part of my purview. Did she do this to herself?"

"Yes, she did."

"I'd like to keep her under observation, then. If she is suicidal, then she will need to be monitored."

"I do not believe she is suicidal, Doctor. But I agree that she should be kept under supervision. How much longer until you finish healing her injuries?"

The Doctor nodded, "It will be a few more hours until she will be able to put pressure on the skin."

"I'd like to stay."

"Captain, that really isn't necess…" He didn't finish his sentence when he noticed the glare on her face. "Fine, just don't get in the way."

Janeway pulled up a chair at Addison's head and watched as the Doctor went about his business. He was busy working on Addison for another half hour, but then moved on to other things, only coming back every once in awhile to check Addison's vital signs.

Eventually, Kathryn laid her head next to Addison's and drifted off to sleep.

She woke up when she heard the Doctor removing the sensor cluster.

She lifted her head and said, "Doctor?"

"I'm finished here. I would like to turn her over onto her back. The sedation should be worn off, but she might sleep for longer."

The Doctor rolled Addison over and left to go back to his office.

Kathryn moved her chair so that she was sitting to the side, took Addison's hand in hers and let both lay on Addison's stomach.

She rested her forehead on the hands for a moment and then rotated her head so she was looking at Addison's face.

"I'm sorry, Addison. I failed you. As a Captain. As a friend. And as whatever more we've become. I was trying to protect you, but I should have seen that you're completely capable of protecting yourself."

"I wasn't allowing myself to see how much I need you. Instead, I became so insecure I channeled my energy into trying to control the situation. I'm sorry. You deserve more than that."

Addison's hand twitched then and Janeway shot up out of the chair.

"Kathryn?" Addison's voice was rusty.

"Yes, I'm here."

Addison's eyes fluttered open and she turned her head towards the sound of Janeway's voice.

"What happened? Where am I?"

"You're in sickbay." Kathryn wasn't sure how to broach the topic of what had happened.

"Why?"

"You passed out. Do you remember what happened?"

"I was on the holodeck. And then…" Her eyes became wide and she turned away. "Who found me?"

"B'Elanna and I did."

"Lieutenant Torres saw me like that?"

Kathryn nodded, which Addison didn't see, but the silence was explanation enough.

"I didn't mean for this to happen."

"What did you mean to have happen? Please, Addison, tell me what you were thinking."

There was a hint of desperation in Janeway's voice that made Addison look back at her. She noticed that Kathryn's hair was disheveled and she had dark circles under her eyes. She was still holding Addison's hand, which was shaking. Or was it Kathryn's hand that was shaking?

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for anything like this to happen. I just needed…" She struggled to find the words to explain. "I needed to know that I had control of something. And, the pain is a reminder."

"A reminder of what?"

"A reminder that I did this to myself." She turned away again, unable to look Kathryn in the eye. "You must think I'm crazy."

"Addison, I don't think you're crazy. I think you're amazingly strong and beautiful. I think you've been a saint to put up with me over the past months. I think you've been dealing with the situation the only way you know how."

Addison shook her head, "I've been awful to you over the past week. How can you say those things?"

"Everything you've said has been deserved. And more."

"No, you deserve better."

Janeway laughed, "Funny, I was thinking the same thing about you. Addison, I'm going to say it again. I love you. Whether or not you feel the same way, I need you to understand that I will do anything to make you happy. I haven't done such a great job of that recently, but I'm willing to start over."

Addison didn't respond. She had heard everything Kathryn had said when she thought Addison was still sleeping. It had deflated her anger in a way she didn't think could have been possible. Now, she just felt tired.

"Can we go back to your quarters now?"

The exhaustion came through in her voice and Kathryn felt her protective instinct kick in.

"Of course, let me clear it with the Doctor."

Despite the fact that Janeway had initially agreed that Addison should be kept under supervision in sickbay, she convinced the Doctor that if they went back to her quarters, she would keep a careful watch on Addison.

He gave Janeway a specific diet plan to administer to Addison, one that involved eating small meals every few hours. Both of them told Addison she could only leave sickbay if she agreed to follow the plan.

When Kathryn and Addison finally got back home, it was early in the morning. Kathryn left a message for Chakotay that she would be taking the day off. When she finished, she found Addison already in bed. She was lying on her side, facing away from the entry.

Kathryn was hesitant, not sure what Addison would want from her now, but decided to join her without asking. She changed her clothes and situated herself gingerly on the bed next to Addison.

She put her hand softly on Addison's arm and said, "Do you want to talk about anything?"

Addison rolled over and looked at Kathryn.

"I don't know what to say."

"It doesn't matter, say anything." Kathryn just wanted to get her to start talking.

It took Addison five minutes of silence before she spoke again.

"I'm tired of things being so hard. I'm tired of being scared and out of control. These feelings are too much for me. It was so much easier not to care. But no matter what I do, I can't make that happen again. And anger was the best next choice."

She fell back into thought and Kathryn said, "You had a right to be angry."

"Maybe. But there's no need for it. I know your intentions were good."

She looked away again and Kathryn could see she was trying to decide something so she said, "What is it?"

"When we came back from the planet, I accepted that we wouldn't be together. I wasn't happy, but at least I knew. And then, for a while, when we were sleeping together again, I convinced myself that was enough. But we both know it wasn't for either of us."

"When the Kazon came, I really thought it was my chance to be useful to Voyager. I would have been content. And when they took me, I thought it was punishment for believing you would love me enough to be with me for real."

"I was so scared when I saw you on the Kazon ship. There was nothing I could do to protect you. Which made me angry that you had come at all, knowing that I had asked you not to."

Addison paused and seemed to steel herself.

Then she said, "I think I love you. I'm not really sure because I've never been in love before. But even so, I can't do this. My entire life I've been faking it. It's not enough anymore."

She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling, wanting Kathryn to say that everything would be fine, but knowing it still wasn't possible.

Kathryn was warring with her own emotions. A part of her was thrilled that Addison had admitted that she wanted her. She was happy that Addison had let go of the anger. But now she didn't know what to do.

She moved herself over and draped herself over Addison's torso, so that they were looking at each other face to face.

"Why don't we try? I don't know what will happen. I can't promise that I can juggle being the Captain and being in a relationship with one of my crew. But we won't know unless we try."

Addison just stared at her, uncertainty in her eyes. Kathryn leaned forward and kissed her, for the first time since they had been caught by Timmy.

At first, Addison didn't respond. She didn't turn away, either, and Kathryn used her tongue to push apart Addison's lips.

Addison willed herself not to react. She didn't want to let herself give in, knowing how much pain it could cost her. But feeling Kathryn's warm skin against hers made her forget everything and as soon as Kathryn ran her tongue against Addison's teeth, Addison gave up.

She lifted her head and upper back off the bed and pressed herself into Kathryn, remembering how comforting the feeling was.

Their kiss lasted for what seemed like an eternity until Addison got her wits back and pulled away.

"Kathryn, I'm really tired. Can we sleep first?" She really did feel like her body was about to give out on her.

Kathryn rolled off, pulling Addison along with her, so that Addison was nestled into Kathryn's side.

"Of course, you should rest."

Addison fell asleep almost immediately, with her head resting on Kathryn's shoulder.

They slept for almost eight hours. When Kathryn woke, Addison was still curled up next to her. She tried to get up without bothering the other woman, but as soon as she started to pull her arm out from underneath Addison's body, Addison opened her eyes.

"Go back to sleep, there's no reason to get up."

"No, I'm fine. I'm ready to get up."

Addison got up and went to the bathroom and it was while she was in the shower that Janeway realized it had been too long since Addison had last eaten.

She decided it would be better for Addison to get out of their quarters and interact with others, so as soon as they were dressed, they headed to the mess hall. Fortunately, Addison didn't argue with her about eating.

It was the end of lunchtime and they found an empty table and sat with their food. Addison picked at hers slowly, but eventually got it all down.

A few people stopped by to chat with Janeway about ship related things, but eventually they were left alone.

Kathryn leaned forward and rested her arms on the table, "Maybe eating Neelix's food isn't the best way to get you back on a normal diet?"

Addison smiled and said, "At least the Doctor only wants me eating small amounts at a time. It's easier to get down when you know there's not that much of it."

It felt easy to talk to each other and Addison relaxed a little and unconsciously reached forward and took Kathryn's hand in hers.

Kathryn stiffened and pulled back. Before she could stop herself, she glanced around to see if anybody had noticed.

Addison watched her and then dropped her eyes.

"Kathryn, I can't expect more from you. It wouldn't be fair. But I also can't accept less. This isn't going to work. We're kidding ourselves to think it would."

Kathryn sat back, angry that she had let herself react that way but knowing that she wasn't ready to show affection in front of others. She wasn't sure she would ever be ready.

"Addison."

Addison shook her head, "It's okay. You don't need to explain."

She stood up from the table.

"I'm going to move my things back to my quarters. I'll see you around."

Kathryn watched her walk away, not sure what to do. She knew that she couldn't argue with Addison. She didn't have any ground to stand on. She felt defeated.

She sat there awhile longer, needing to give Addison time to pack and not having anywhere else to go. She wasn't in her uniform, so she couldn't go to the bridge.

Eventually, she got up and left the mess hall, wandering around the corridors until Addison was finished.

B'Elanna had seen the entire incident. She had watched the Captain pull away from Addison and had seen Addison's face fall when it happened.

It didn't take more than a day for the rumors to circulate that the two had broken off their relationship and Addison had moved back her own quarters.

Only B'Elanna knew that there was more to the story.

The night after Addison moved out, B'Elanna rang Addison's doorbell and invited her to dinner. Addison was pretty adamant about not wanting to go, but B'Elanna had insisted.

In the end, Addison had told B'Elanna everything that had happened. She had never had a close female friend before and was uncomfortable at first, talking about her private life.

But the more she talked, the more she found she couldn't stop. When she was finished, she felt exhausted, but relieved.

B'Elanna had listened quietly the entire time, only interjecting a few times to ask questions.

At the end, she said, "It's obvious the Captain cares about you. You don't think it's worth giving her some time to adjust? This is a big step for her."

"I wish I could. But I know her. She will never feel comfortable acknowledging our relationship. It's too ingrained in her that it's inappropriate. I can't be with somebody who feels that way."

B'Elanna nodded, "I understand. It's just too bad. The Captain needs somebody like you."

From then on, B'Elanna and Addison started spending more time together. B'Elanna enjoyed that she always knew where Addison stood and didn't pretend to be something other than who she was. Addison quickly grew to respect B'Elanna for her voracity and humor.

Because of their time together, Addison also got to know B'Elanna's friends better. Pretty soon, she found herself feeling comfortable around other people. She looked forward to going out after her duty shift and was much happier than when she was spending all her time in her quarters.

She developed an amusing friendship with Tom, one that was based on harmless flirtation. Despite her misgivings about Chakotay, he was one of the few people who really understood her love of the earth and could share in that passion. She didn't have a lot in common with Harry, who was sometimes a little shy around her, but she still enjoyed his company.

Still, she missed the Captain more than she would have liked to admit. She felt guilty that she had become friends with the people who Kathryn was the closest with, hoping that she wasn't taking them away from her.

It balanced out though, especially since Janeway hardly ever socialized with her senior staff as a group anyway.

Kathryn had started having dinner with Chakotay more often again and continued to keep herself occupied in other ways.

It was late one evening and Chakotay was sitting on her couch, the two of them enjoying a bottle of wine. Janeway had poured them each a glass and raised hers when they were both sitting.

"To getting home." It was the only thing she could think to say.

Chakotay clinked his glass to hers, took a sip, and said, "There's more to life than that, you know."

"What more? Honestly, I'd like to know."

"Come off it, Kathryn. You know what more there is. You're just being too dense to admit it."

Kathryn sputtered, surprised at Chakotay's forwardness. Even though they were close, he rarely talked to her like that.

He continued, "Now that we've all gotten to know Addison, it's even easier to see that you're being too stubborn for your own good. She's the best thing that could have happened to you. Who knows if we'll ever get home? Are you going to spend the rest of your life alone because you're embarrassed the crew will see you as human? It's ridiculous."

"Chakotay…" Her voice was low and serious.

But Chakotay didn't heed the warning, "No, Kathryn. You need to listen to someone. All this crew wants is for you to be happy. They would give their lives to make you happy. And the answer is sitting right in front of you. For such a smart woman, you're acting incredibly obtuse."

Then he backed down a little, "I'm sorry if you think I'm being harsh, but somebody had to tell you."

Kathryn's entire body had become tense when he had started talking about Addison, but now she relaxed it back into the couch.

"You're right, Chakotay. I know that you're right. I may be acting obtuse, but I am more aware of things than I let on. I hear what you're saying. And I'll think about it."

They didn't talk about it again that night and Chakotay knew that would be the last time he would bring it up with her. He only hoped she would listen to him.

"I have nothing to wear!" Addison was in her closet, clothes strewn around her on the floor.

B'Elanna, who was sitting on the bed, rolled her eyes and said, "Come on, you have to have something in there!"

They were getting ready for a 'welcome home' party for Tom and Harry. They had been trapped in a prison together and, from what B'Elanna had gotten out of them, it had been a pretty intense experience for both of them. It had been a week since they had been back, but both seemed a little melancholy, so Neelix had decided to throw them a party.

It was taking place in the mess hall and the plan was for only about a quarter of the crew to be there. Still, people where making a big deal out of it and most everyone had decided to dress up.

Addison groaned, "I don't have anything."

"What about that little black dress you wore to Chakotay's birthday last year? In fact, in hindsight, I'm pretty sure the Captain couldn't take her eyes off of you that night."

Now it was Addison's turn to roll her eyes. Everyone was constantly trying to get her and Kathryn back together and Addison had learned to ignore them.

B'Elanna did have a point, however. It was the only fancy dress she had.

"Okay, fine."

She pulled it out from her closet, slipped into it and said, "I hope tonight goes better than the last time I wore this."

B'Elanna hurried Addison on, anxious to get to the party. It was already in full swing when they arrived. Neelix had cleared out the middle of the room for dancing and people were taking advantage of it.

It only took a minute before drinks were shoved into both women's hands and they were pulled onto the dance floor.

At first, Addison was hesitant, unsure of herself around all the people. The last time she had danced like this, she was being forced to do it to pick up men. But, she quickly shed those memories and found herself enjoying the music enough to get her body moving.

She moved from partner to partner, laughing when the guys would mockingly fight over her. She let them pull her close to them, marveling at how she never would have been comfortable like this a few months ago.

When Janeway walked in, the first thing she saw was Addison dancing. The black dress lay snug against Addison's hips as they moved against her partner's body.

Kathryn's first reaction was jealousy. But when she saw the smile on Addison's face, the jealousy quickly dropped away and Kathryn felt warmth spread through her chest.

She hadn't seen Addison this relaxed since they had been on the planet together. It looked good on her.

As did the dress.

Chakotay found Janeway first and offered her a drink. They leaned back against the bar and watched the crews' antics.

"These are the moments we live for, right Chakotay?"

He nodded and followed Janeway's eyes to where Addison was standing.

He cleared his throat and Kathryn looked at him.

She only smiled and said, "If you'll excuse me, I have something I need to do."

The song had changed from upbeat to slow and many people had left the dance floor to get something eat or drink. Tom had captured Addison and they were dancing together, Tom trying to make Addison laugh.

Janeway approached them and laid a hand on Tom's shoulder.

"Mr. Paris, may I cut in?"

Addison spun around with a surprised look on her face, but Tom graciously stepped back and said, "Of course, Captain. My pleasure."

Kathryn offered a hand to Addison who took it after a moment's thought. She gasped softly when Kathryn pulled her in close and wrapped an arm around her waist.

"Is this okay?"

"Yes, this is okay." Addison was still too shocked to make heads or tails of what was happening.

They danced together for a few minutes, Addison nervously watching to see what the crew would do and how Kathryn would react to it.

Kathryn seemed oblivious, though.

Finally, Addison stopped them both and said, "What are you doing?"

"I'm making up for lost time. If you'll let me."

Without waiting for a response, Kathryn leaned in and kissed Addison on the mouth as fully as she could.

A cheer went up from the crew.

When Kathryn pulled back, her cheeks were red and she looked around at the crew, blushing. She waved her hand at them as if to say, "Yes, I get it. Let's move on."

Everyone laughed and then turned back to what they had been doing.

She looked back at Addison, who was still recovering from the kiss.

"Will you give me another chance?"

There were tears in Addison's eyes when she responded, "I'll always give you another chance."

Kathryn pulled their bodies back together and Addison rested her head on Kathryn's shoulder, smiling.