I don't own iCarly.

Dear Fredwardo,

So, some information has come to momma's attention. Apparently the dumb teachers at the torture center named Ridgeway think its okay to fail me. I admit that I don't do homework and I barely go to class on time or take notes, but it's not my fault. There's tons of distracting things!

Food. That's definitely what always makes me late. I need my food and if I have to go to six different stores to get what I want, then I will go to six different stores.

Then there's Frothy. I love that cat and all, but I don't know how many more times I can take him having spaz attacks and start foaming from the mouth. It's awesome, but it's time consuming having to take care of your three legged cat when it can't tell up from down. Idiot.

There's you. You're always sitting next to me in classes and I have to write you notes. I can't pay attention. I'm too distracted by your nub-ness.

Get this, when I tried to explain this to my teachers they rolled their eyes and told me to be quiet. If it weren't for Carly giving me that creepy mom look, I would have stormed out. Or at least thrown someone out of the window.

Anyway, the point of this letter is to make a deal with you. Instead of getting revenge on you like I promised, you can tutor me and buy me food.

I hate school and the sound of tutoring… with you of all people makes me want to barf up ham and you know how much I love ham. But I do not want to stay back and get stuck with the creepy kids a grade below us.

Sound good? Actually, don't answer that. I know it sounds awesome just because I'm involved. It's not like you would actually have a choice in the matter anyway.

Don't worry though, I haven't forgotten that you're grounded for a reason I can't quite remember at the moment. I have a plan to get crazy away long enough for our study sessions.

There are two options.

Option A: I throw her down a well and we all live happily ever after.

Option B: I have Spencer ask her to show him how to sew his name in all his clothes.

Personally, I like option a, but I know you can be an over dramatic emotional girl so you'll probably want to stick with option b. Whatever.

Gibby says hi. He's standing- nope, sorry, he's sitting, tied up next to me. The lump got annoying so I tied him to a chair. Things are boring without you. Can you please stop being a nub and be ungrounded?

-Sam

Dear Sam,

Wow. I am so shocked that you are failing. It's ridiculous. (That was sarcastic.)

As much as it pains me to say this (it doesn't), but none of those reasons you gave for failing were legitimate.

Sam, you eat like a six hundred pound man. I think you going without food for a few hours would be fine. Wait- not that I think you're fat! I think your super skinny! But not that skinny. Wait! That's not what I meant! I meant that you are curvy and hot. I'm just going to stop.

For god sakes, just put the cat down. Not to be harsh, but that thing scares me whenever I come over. I'm pretty sure it was watching me one time…

Now, the next reason is somewhat reasonable. I know that I'm incredibly hot, but I know that you are strong and can resist.

Sam, please don't throw anyone out the window. I'll get you a stress ball or something, just do your best to refrain yourself from killing people. It would be best for all.

I'd love to tutor you! I've been trying to get you to study with me for years! Even if I didn't I would still be forced to help, so what's the point in even asking?

Oh, and just to refresh your memory… YOU are the one who got me grounded. You and your mental capability of a banana. Do the words "Sam wuz here" ring a bell?

In regards to your plans, I think I'll go with the second one. I'm just going to ignore the first one for both of our sakes.

Please let Gibby go. I'm sure he didn't do anything wrong and even if he did, I'm sure he didn't even realize it. Gibby's just… Gibby, you know?

And, Aww. Things are boring without me and you want me to be ungrounded? You are so sweet! Considering it's coming from you, that's adorable and I love you.

Don't miss me too much.

-Freddie

AHH! Why must I torture Gibby in this story? I don't know.

It's short! I know! I need more ideas.

Thank you to everyone who favorited, reviewed, and all that stuff.

Review?