Update (17/04/11): Sequel, 'Where You Belong' now up!

Update (27/03/11): Chapters edited to correct spelling/grammar errors. One minor continuity error fixed (Oops). There are probably still some mistakes left here and there, but I did my best! Very minor changes also made to the content of the epilogue. I've started working on the sequel to this story now, so this version of Home will probably remain the final one.

Original intro (21/11/10):

This story is going to be my first (ever) attempt to write a piece of fiction with more than one chapter. It's based around a Shepard who is mostly paragon, an adept and has the colonist and sole survivor backgrounds. It takes place around a week after the destruction of the collector base, but before the events of the Lair of the Shadow Broker DLC.

The story will be more serious than the two one-shots I've already posted on this site, although I hope not totally devoid of any humour. I have almost all of it planned out already and will try to update once a week.

I'm still finding my feet as a fiction writer and feel pretty nervous about posting this so any reviews will be very, very much appreciated. Criticism is fine as long as it's constructive. Just remember I'm new at this! I'm also beta-less, and probably going to stay that way, so feel free to pm me if you notice any major mistakes.

Thanks to anyone who has read, reviewed or favourited my other two little stories, it gave me the courage to post this :)

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware.

Commander Shepard stood on the Normandy's bridge feeling a little dizzy as the light from the nearby galaxy map danced around her. She'd spent most of the last sixteen hours helping the crew patch up areas of the ship that had been damaged in the attack on the Collector base and now all she wanted to do was crawl into a warm bed and finally get some sleep. Instead she'd somehow got stuck talking to Kelly Chambers.

Shepard listened fairly patiently as Kelly updated her on how the rest of the crew was feeling and reminded her, for the thousandth time, to check her private terminal for unread messages. She liked the Yeoman, but no matter how good it had felt to get her back from the collectors the week before, right now her company was a little trying.

Eventually Shepard decided she couldn't take anymore. Truthfully, she hadn't been much in the mood for talking to anyone lately. "Thanks for the update, Kelly," she said, as soon as the Yeoman paused for air, "If that's everything, I think I'll head up to my quarters, lock the door and collapse in a heap."

She went to move away, but Kelly placed a restraining hand lightly on her arm. "Commander, wait a moment please. There is one last little thing I'd like to talk to you about if you don't mind."

Shepard couldn't stop herself from glancing towards the elevator, but she quickly pulled her eyes back to Kelly. "Oh...fine. What is it you want to say?"

"Well, this is rather awkward, and I don't mean to interfere, but I think it might be good idea for you to visit Garrus if you have the time, Commander."

For a few seconds, Shepard stared mutely at Kelly, hoping she somehow hadn't heard her right. Her relationship with Garrus had been in a complete mess for days now, ever since they'd both come back, mostly intact, from the collector base and she'd somehow ended up telling him that blowing off steam with him had been a mistake, that it would better, more sensible and safe, if they went back to being just friends. She'd thought about him a lot since then, but no one on the Normandy had been brave enough to try to talk to her about him. She'd been starting to hope that they were going to act like nothing had ever happened between the two of them and stick to gossiping as soon as her back was turned. No such luck.

Shepard ran her hands through some of the knots and tangles in her hair as she struggled to work out what to say next. She couldn't help wondering how long Kelly had been mustering up the courage to have this little chat with her.

"What exactly makes you think that?" she asked in the end.

Kelly looked at her with wide eyes. "You haven't seen much of Garrus lately, have you? I suspect he thinks you're avoiding him."

"You 'suspect'?"

"It's a small ship, Commander. Things have a tendency to travel."

"Right, I see," Shepard said and then simply trailed off. Maybe she had been avoiding Garrus, but she couldn't quite bring herself to admit that out loud, she knew if she did then she would feel like a heartless bitch. It wasn't like she was planning to stay away from him forever anyway, just until she was in a better frame of mind about the whole situation. Unfortunately so far she hadn't made much progress towards that goal, if anything she felt worse now than when things had first gone wrong.

Shepard drew in a breath. "I'm sorry if he thinks that," she said, keeping her voice calm and steady, "I've been busy. The ship's repairs are taking longer than anyone expected and we're all in a difficult position. Somehow I don't think the Illusive Man is so keen to be my very best friend since I destroyed his toy."

Kelly offered her a smile. "It does sound like you're under pressure, but couldn't you spare just a couple of minutes to go visit Garrus? He seems lonely."

Apparently she was determined to play councillor today; Shepard had to look away from her. "I'll go see him soon."

"That's good to hear," Kelly replied, "When exactly?"

She was still smiling and, although she meant well, it was starting to get more than a little annoying. Shepard wanted to be left alone and, aside from that, she had always found it difficult to understand people who were happy all the time and acted like everything in the universe was all sunshine and bunnies when clearly there was so much sadness out there. She couldn't help thinking that Kelly belonged in a Disney movie, not on a Cerberus vessel out in the middle of space.

"Soon," Shepard said, putting as much emphasis as she could on the word, "But not today. I'm not exactly in a chatty mood and I don't want to make him feel worse."

"I'm sure you won't."

"Well, honestly, I'm not." As she finished speaking, Shepard grasped her hands together behind her back to stop them from ending up back in her hair, which she guessed was already starting to resemble some kind of large bird's nest.

She just wasn't sure if she was ready to face up to what had happened with Garrus. Maybe in a couple more days she would be. It was possible.

"Right now isn't a good time for this, Kelly," she said, "I haven't been sleeping well since...since the battle with the collectors. I'm tired."

Shepard let out a yawn to prove her point, but it was real enough. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been able to sleep through the night.

Kelly looked at her sympathetically, but instead of letting her leave, launched into a long tirade. "Commander, I don't mean to be pushy, but I think this is important." She seemed determined to keep her eyes fixed on Shepard's face as she spoke. "Garrus seems to be carrying a lot of sadness with him at the moment and he could use your help sooner rather than later. He misses you and I think it would be much better if you went to talk to him now, rather than leaving it for a few days. The two of you were such good friends until recently and it would be a very bad idea to risk losing a special bond like that for no real reason."

Sherpard opened her mouth to reply, but then ended up shutting it again because she couldn't think of anything intelligent to say. Kelly was starting to make a bit too much sense for her liking. It was far too easy to forget the Yeoman could actually be good at her job because she spent most of her off-time talking complete nonsense or making eyes at a clearly uncomfortable Thane in the mess hall.

"Commander, are you okay?" she asked when Shepard failed to speak.

"No," she replied, and then immediately regretted it, "I mean, not exactly. Look, Kelly, I understand why you're trying to get me to do this, but I..." Shepard gulped in some air, "I just don't think I know what to say to Garrus anymore."

"Speak from your heart."

"That's far easier said than done. This is real life, not some old Hollywood movie where everyone walks off hand in hand into the sunset on the end."

Kelly smiled at her again. "Maybe, but I think just seeing you again will cheer Garrus up. Do it for him. You can't keep sticking your head in the sand; this problem is not going to go away on its own. I can tell he's hurting and the crew are getting a tad worried about you both."

She moved closer to Shepard and put her hand on her arm for a brief moment before moving it away again. "I'm not going to pretend to know what went wrong between the two of you, but I think Garrus needs you right now."

At Kelly's last words, Shepard gripped her hands together so tightly that she felt her nails start to dig into the flesh.

Garrus had always been there when she needed him. Always.

No matter how uncomfortable it made her, no matter how embarrassed she felt around him now, she was going to have to return the favour. Or at least try to. He deserved that much. The only reason she'd been able to cope with all the ridiculous things that had happened to her over the last few months was because he'd been there by her side the whole time.

"You're not going to let this go, are you?" she asked Kelly.

"No, Commander, I don't think so."

"And you really think he wants to see me?"

"Yes."

"Well, okay then," she said after a long pause, struggling to get out the words. "I'll go talk to him and try to cheer him up. Maybe I can tell him a few jokes or make balloon animals or something."

Kelly gestured towards the elevator. "I think he's in the main battery at the moment, Commander."

Obviously she thought if Shepard didn't leave to go to see Garrus right that second then she would keep putting it off forevermore. Perhaps she was right. The truth, if Shepard had cared to admit it, was that she had already let the situation drift for days too long.

She stared at the metal doors. "I guess I'll go now then."

"You won't regret it Commander," Kelly chirped, beaming at her.

"God, I hope not. Although I guess at this point I probably can't make things any worse."

"It will be okay," Kelly said, "Having a nice chat with him might even do you some good."

Shepard doubted that. She had no idea what she was even going to say to him, but figured, "Hey Garrus, sorry for I've been acting like a complete ass recently, it's nothing personal," probably wasn't going to cut it. Still, she somehow forced herself to walk to the elevator, step inside and select deck three.

She saw Kelly wave at her as the doors began to close and had to stop herself from running right back out again. Without a doubt, this was going to be incredibly awkward. The last time she'd had a proper conversation with Garrus, she'd spent the entire time trying to explain to him why him their night together should stay a one time thing. Ever since then things had not been so good and it was all her own fault.

For weeks before they'd finally got together, she'd spent most of her spare time alone in her quarters obsessing about how much she wanted him, how much she needed a bit of comfort after everything she'd been through. At no point had she sat down and thought about how blowing off steam with him would affect their relationship, but time kept moving on and suddenly they were two hours from going through the relay, he was right in front of her and it was now or never.

In the end she'd gone through with it, and physically everything had worked out fine, better than fine, but later, when they were just lying together, she hadn't known what to do. It was all so real and Garrus was looking at her in a new way that she didn't quite understand.

She'd got a bit freaked out after that, but she'd still invited him to her quarters again once the battle with the collectors was over and done with. He'd arrived up minutes later. They'd started talking and it was going okay until he'd tried using her first name. No one had called her that since she'd lived on Mindoir. He was getting so close to her and she'd just known in that moment that she couldn't handle it. The idea of trying to have something more lasting with him scared the hell out of her and so she'd decided to end their relationship before it could really start.

The next day, Garrus had attempted to talk to her like everything was normal between them. Hell, he'd been brave enough to try to crack a few weak jokes, but she knew him too well, she could see he was hurting and so eventually she'd decided the best thing to do was to hide from him for a little while.

At one point, she'd accidentally jumped into the men's bathroom just to avoid ending up face to face with him. The memory of trying to explain what had just happened to the two terrified male crewmembers she'd almost fallen on top of could still made her face go red. Since then, she'd tried not to set foot anywhere apart from her quarters, the bridge and the engine room. All places that she knew Garrus rarely went into. She really was that pathetic.

Shepard shifted uncomfortably in the elevator. She wanted so badly to be somewhere else, but only seconds after that thought passed through her mind, the doors opened and deck three was stretched out in front of her. She was sorely tempted to press the button for her quarters and run away again, but then she thought of Garrus spending another day hurt and alone, needing her, and ended up stepping out of the elevator instead. She just couldn't forget what Kelly had said.

Shepard looked down the corridor; Garrus was just fifty metres away now. She could make it.

Keeping her pace steady, she started to head as casually as possible in direction of the main battery. She hoped and prayed that anyone who saw her would just think that she happened to be out for a nice leisurely stroll. Unfortunately, nobody seemed to be fooled. She could feel so many eyes on her as she crossed the mess hall because apparently she was heading to visit Garrus right when everyone on the entire ship had stopped to have their evening meal. She couldn't really blame them for staring though. She had made no secret of how much she... liked Garrus, spending hours with him most days even though she already took him on every mission. Now they weren't speaking.

In the end, it took less than a minute for Shepard to reach the entrance to the main battery, but when she got there she had to stop just outside the door to calm herself the hell down. She knew if she took one more step forward then it would open and Garrus would be right in front of her.

Unwilling to move forward yet,she kneaded her hands together and found herself staring at the glowing green light on the door until it started to blur across her entire line of vision. A couple of minutes went by and she kept standing there, like a fool, hoping to God that none of the crewmembers were still watching her. Given her odd behaviour over the last week, however, she knew that they all probably were.

If she was really going to try to fix this instead of running away again then it was definitely time to get on with things.

Shepard shook herself and finally stepped forward. The door flew open straight away and she somehow managed to keep going until she was standing in the middle of the main battery, back in the room where all of this had started.

Garrus was working on his beloved calibrations as usual, but he turned towards her as soon as he heard her footsteps and Shepard felt a strange swooping sensation in her stomach when they finally came face to face. She'd forgotten how bad his injuries from the gunship were because at some point she must have stopped noticing them. Now the bandage covering the right side of his head seemed so large.

"Shepard..." Garrus blinked and seemed to struggle to think of what he should say next. In the end all that came out of his mouth was, "Need me for something?" He was surprised to see her. She couldn't blame him.

"No, not really," Shepard said, "I thought you might like some company."

"Oh."

The two of them stared awkwardly at each other, somehow managing to avoid having any direct eye contact, before Garrus finally spoke. "Well, it's definitely nice seeing you again." His eyes flicked up and down her body. "You look...well. Those wounds from the collector base are almost completely gone now."

Shepard vaguely ran her hand across her cheek, which until recently had been marred by a long cut. She knew he was trying to sound light and airy but it didn't quite work. It took a few seconds before she was able to drag another sentence out of her own mouth. "You're looking well too."

Strictly speaking, that wasn't true, he looked just as tired as she did and maybe a little pallid. Could turians look pallid? Still, Garrus seemed pleased to hear her say that or maybe he was just glad to be in the same room with her again, it was hard to tell.

"Thanks," he replied and the conversation ground to another wonderful halt.

"I'm sorry I haven't seen much of you over the last few days," Shepard said eventually, "I was...well I don't really have a proper excuse. I'm just sorry. It's been too long since we've had a chance to chat."

She couldn't believe how bland and stupid her own words sounded to her, but then neither of them were particularly good at talking about their emotions. Perhaps skirting around the real issues made more sense for them. Shepard knew Kelly probably hoped they would have a long cathartic chat and end up crying in each other's arms, she also knew that wasn't likely to happen.

She chanced a smile at him. "So...how are the calibrations going?"

"Good. Same as usual. I can't complain."

"Great."

Garrus shifted on the spot. "So...what have you been up to lately?"

"Oh, a lot of things, repairs mainly. The Normandy took one hell of a beating last week. Well, you know, you were there..." She trailed off.

"Sounds like you've been busy."

Shepard took a moment to stare at her ugly shoes before forcing herself to speak again. "Yeah, yeah...I have been." God this was hard. "So, Garrus, as much fun as this, ah, small talk is, is there anything you would like to talk about while I'm here? Anything you need to get of your chest? Anything you want to ask me?"

He didn't answer straight away. Shepard could not remember the last time she'd had such a stilted conversation with anyone. This was worse than her last 'interview' with Khalisha Al Jilani and she'd been fantasising about punching her the entire time they'd been talking. She already couldn't wait until she could walk right back out those doors and return to telling herself that everything was just peachy.

"Garrus? Should I just go? Kelly somehow convinced me that coming here might be a good idea, but if it's not then I can leave."

"No, don't go," he said quickly, really looking at her for the first time. "Look I'm not good at stuff like this, but I just want you to know that I'm sorry if I presumed... if I said something wrong when I came up to your quarters after we took on the base. I didn't mean to overstep the mark. I just want things to go back to the way they were before."

"You don't have anything to apologise for," Shepard said softly, "It's fine. Don't worry about it. Everything's fine. We're still friends, right?"

"I guess so, but you haven't been coming down here and you haven't been taking me on missions. You've been bringing Miranda instead."

Shepard frowned, she hadn't realised he'd caught on to that. "Garrus," she said, "I've only left the ship twice since we beat the collectors. One of those trips was to get replacement parts from a space station crawling with low-lifes and asari hookers. I felt like I needed to disinfect myself afterwards. The other was to respond to an urgent distress call which turned out to be five hundred years old. The rest of the time I've been working on repairs or mining. You haven't missed out, honestly."

"That's not really the point."

Shepard took a small step back as he took one forward. Some of the agitation, and maybe even anger, he'd been trying to hide was starting to come through on his face.

"You used to spend so much time with me," Garrus said, "Ever since you picked me up on Omega, I haven't left your side and I guess I thought that's the way you wanted things to stay."

"It is, Garrus. It's only been the last week that things have been a little, ah, strange."

"I know but it...it just doesn't feel right. It should be me that's watching your six, not someone else. I don't want you to get hurt."

"That's very sweet," Shepard said, trying to keep her voice from quivering, "But please don't take this all so personally. I trust you more than anyone else on this ship, I just thought I should rotate the team for a little while to give us both some breathing space."

"I guess I can understand that, but we have to get past this." He stopped directly in front of her and looked deeply into her into her dark brown eyes. "Just say you'll take me with you on the next mission. Come on, Shepard."

She inhaled sharply and couldn't seem to break eye contact with him, even though she wanted to. Years of fighting meant she could formulate battle strategies in a matter of seconds and yet here she was standing with her mouth hanging open, unable to decide on the right course of action. She knew agreeing to take him would make him feel better, but she also knew it could mean she'd spend the next mission she went on completely distracted. What the hell was the right thing to do? She wished a sign would come down from some higher power and give her a hint or that Kelly would pop up and offer her some advice. In the end nothing happened and he was still waiting for an answer.

"Okay," she said eventually in a small voice that sounded to her almost like it belonged to someone else.

"Good, I'll make sure you don't regret it," Garrus replied straight away, speaking so quickly that it made Shepard think he was afraid she'd change her mind. "It'll be just like old times."

Shepard nodded. She was pleased to see how much happier he looked now, but she still started to move further away from him. Her brain felt fuzzy and tired. In some distant, treacherous corner of her mind, she was suddenly thinking about was how nice it would feel to have his arms holding her tightly, so that she could barely draw breath. She had to leave. Right now.

"I should probably go. Unless there's anything else?" She knew after everything that had happened between them that it was only polite to ask that, but she was very much hoping he wouldn't want to say anymore. Unfortunately, he clearly did.

"There's just one last thing." Shepard noticed his mandibles were fluttering more than usual as he spoke and he'd gone back to avoiding her eyes. "I'm glad you came, Shepard. I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, Garrus. A lot," she said, and it was true, "But I really have to go. I have things to do, you know?" Shepard's last words came out in a rush and by the end of the sentence she was already edging towards the door.

Garrus inclined his head towards her. "Right… we'll talk again, later. Thanks."

Shepard headed to the exit as fast as she could without breaking into a sprint and turned back to see Garrus return to tapping at his console as the doors closed. She stayed standing just outside the room, only five metres away from him, staring at the green light again and wishing she could find the strength to go back in and sort things out properly. The talk hadn't been a disaster, but so much had been left unsaid and her own feelings were still a confused mess. After a few minutes, however, she decided it was best just to leave him alone for now and started to head back to the elevator with her head down.

She went straight to her quarters and crawled into bed, ignoring the few tears that had started to fall from her eyes.