Aneko: Code Geass Fiction number two! Oh joy. My last fic got me thinking about everybody else's perspective on Lulu's death. I mean sure, the world was like "Yay! Evil tyrant-man is dead!" But there were some people who had it figured out what he was up to. That and for some reason I'm just obsessed with Lulu's death scene (Creepy much?). Probably something to do with how much I love Lulu…The title? I honestly have no idea where it came from.
It seems that this fiction also makes me think of the track "Madder Sky."
Edit: So, after scrutinizing this piece several times, I thought there was more that I could do with it, so I tweaked it a little. The main content is still the same, I just beefed it up a bit. Though I doubt anyone but I will know the difference. Eheh…
Disclaimer: I don't own Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion…or Lulu. Not that I want to, you understand…I also don't own Mr. Franklin's quote (well that's kind of obvious…)
We Who Are
Dost thou love life?
Then do not squander time,
for that is the stuff life is made of.
Benjamin Franklin
The day that Lelouch V Britannia died, it rained. It poured down from the sky for hours, showing no sign of stopping.
We Who Are
iii.
He had never expected to side with Lelouch. Not after Euphie's death. It was unforgivable, the things Zero had done in his quest to defeat Britannia. He had promised himself he would never, ever do the things that his once-best friend had done. When he turned on Lelouch, in the world of C, he was confident in the knowledge that there was nothing to keep him from killing the prince. Nothing at all to stop him from taking his revenge.
So when he heard Lelouch's proposition, he was unprepared to hear just what it was that his friend had been planning since the very beginning. Somehow, he ended up accepting Lelouch's idea. He was surprised to find that this new path he had chosen didn't constrict his heart as much as he thought it would. That thought made him feel disgusted with himself, as though he had dirtied his hands with a stain that would never quite wash away.
It was hard. He felt as though he was wading constantly through a thick mud that sucked away at his strength, until he could barely push himself onwards. In those times, he would look up in the sky and think of her, and wonder if she was disappointed in his choice. But there was no turning back now. He had known that before he even decided to go along with Lelouch's last plan.
He forged ahead, with the knowledge that the end was near.
ii.
"You must live on."
The last words he had repeated to her were driving her to insanity. She just couldn't understand it. Despite learning the truth about Zero's identity, and finding out that he was a Prince, she had still thought that he was on the Japanese people's side. He would still fight for the weak and the oppressed. Right? So what was all this stupid stuff about betrayal? It was a lie. It had to be a lie. She'd just ask him herself. He wouldn't lie to her.
In front of the entire Order of the Black Knights and the Britannian royalty, he sneered as he declared how foolish they were and that he had been playing a game along, and they were nothing more than mere pawns. Yet as he walked imperiously by and her tears were threatening to fall, she distinctly heard his whisper, "You must live on."
Just what was she supposed to think? In frustration, she took out her anger and pain during training, and prepared to confront him again when the time came.
i.
He had lied to her. The one person in the world who she had thought would never betray her had lied to her. It was like a hole was being ripped open inside her heart. Schneizel and Cornelia tried to be soothing and supportive, but nothing could take the place of her beloved Onii-sama.
He had done so many things she had not even imagined he was capable of. It made her shudder to think of the number of deaths that he had caused. She couldn't bear thinking of it—that warm hand that had held hers, comforting her when she was worried or afraid, was the same hand that bore the blood of Clovis and Euphemia.
So, squaring her shoulders, she decided she would be the one to take her brother's life. It would be her mission.
Her last duty as a little sister.
iii.
He remembered when they were children, just him and Nunally and Lelouch and no one else. They were closer than anything. A bond that could not be broken, could not be understood by the world around them. He remembered the soft days that smelled of flowers carried on the wind. There was laughter. There was happiness.
And he remembered when Lelouch had looked at him with his much-too-serious eyes, a boy already accustomed to lies and betrayal, blood and death, and asked, "We'll be friends forever, right? We'll always be—"
i.
She remembered that he had always, always had a kindness greater than any other. It wasn't the gentle, obvious compassion that Suzaku-san had, but one that was completely different. It made him so cold, so distant, but she was never deceived.
In one of her sepia-colored memories, of the rare days she remembered before the dark, claustrophobic days of her blindness, she recalled once that they had found a bird's nest. The mother bird lay dead on the ground nearby, killed by the cat, and inside the nest, hungry baby birds cried. Their necks stretched out, they begged loudly for food and warmth and their mother. She couldn't help but cry as she watched them, imagining how frightened and hungry they were. Lelouch told her to go back to the house, but he stayed behind.
In secret she watched him snap the necks of the baby birds one by one. He did not shed a single tear.
ii.
She thought often, sitting in her stark, metal cell, of the days of sun-filled peace back in school. For a time, just a brief moment of her life, she had understood the feeling of being a normal teen, of making friends who she could act silly around and laugh with. Even Lelouch, enigmatic though he was, would participate in the antics of the student council president. He too, could behave normally. Now, as she thought back on those fondest of memories, she felt even more acutely the clash of his current, horrible actions against the backdrop of the Lelouch she had known at the school. The horrible truth brought her memories crashing down around her like the shattered pieces of the most beautiful stained glass window.
Was it some sort of irony that she came to love him? Was someone, somewhere, laughing at her foolishness? She had thought that admitting it would mean reconciling and moving forward, but instead it only got harder. Even when the Britannian troops burst into the Black Knight's meeting, she still loved him. Even as he walked in, watching impassively as she and the others were arrested for "crimes against the crown," she loved him.
And as the execution platform rolled down the streets, she loved him even then, for everything he had given her, and everything he had been. Maybe it was simply because after a certain point, her heart just refused to accept any more. She couldn't take in that the one doing this was Lelouch, the same Lelouch who slept in class, who had been trying to save Japan, who had told her to live on. This same Lelouch was going to kill her?
She could only raise her head high and pretend that she was strong, all the while glad that no one else was close enough to see her shaking.
i.
She was so very tired of lies. That's why she was disgusted with herself now. It had been so easy to promise herself she would kill him when she had still been unable to see him. Now, looking into the beautiful purple eyes after all the years, she didn't know how to stop trembling. The joy of seeing him again was tempered by the burning anger in the back of her throat.
Still, she had had just a little hope left in her, that he would be unable to use that mysterious power on her. Surely, as his sister, she still held some small space in his heart? He wouldn't betray her. He couldn't.
But he could. And he did. And the person she watched walk away from her couldn't possibly be her brother.
iii.
"Ah, looks like everything's nearly completed," he said, so lightly you'd never have guessed what he was planning. That was the strangest thing about these days (calm, peaceful days that reeked of beauty, mocking the world in their splendor) —that no matter what happened, he was always smiling. Like nothing could touch him. Suzaku felt like he was drowning in it. He wanted him to stop smiling so badly he was on the verge of grabbing the emperor and shaking him and screaming at him, "Why are you smiling like that? Why are you smiling?" He couldn't quite understand the reason why.
He could have answered with some excuse like, "Euphie can't smile, so neither should he," but somehow he knew that wasn't right. That wasn't why. So he just bit his tongue and swallowed the bitter drought of living with his enemy and waited.
Lelouch said sweet words sometimes, meant to pacify, but Suzaku no longer trusted them. He didn't think he ever could again. Words such as "I will shed enough blood to make everyone forget Euphie."
He didn't think he could count on that.
ii.
Sitting in a prison cell, waiting for the gray morning to come, there was plenty of time for her to think. Ougi had already demanded to see Lelouch a hundred times, but each time the guards ignored his words. She couldn't help but hope and pray that maybe, just maybe, they would hear him when he asked for the hundred and first time.
Ougi never did ask for the hundred and first time.
The air was so tense. They yelled at each other a lot, sitting in their claustrophobic loneliness. But it all came down to how betrayed they all felt. It was a raw, aching wound they didn't know what to do with.
A thing which could never be made right again.
A thing that could never be healed.
i.
He didn't laugh after mother died. Even when she managed to get a little chuckle out of him, it didn't sound right, like he was forcing it out from some dark place buried deep inside himself. He didn't cry anymore either. Or get mad, or sad. He had pulled himself away from the world so completely that she couldn't reach him, no matter how far she stretched her hand out.
A person like him really should have cold hands, she thought. Hands cold enough to burn and to freeze. But of course, like everything else about him, his hands were deceitful. They were warm, and comforting, the last thing she would remember before falling asleep. Perhaps they were the greatest lie of all.
i.
It was fine. Even if she couldn't kill him, she could resolve her heart to hatred. It was no less than what he deserved, after all. He was a monster. Nothing more than a monster who had destroyed her world. She would not be deceived.
ii.
It was fine. She would lock her feelings away, and resolve her heart to hatred. It was no less than what he deserved, right? He was a monster. Nothing more than a monster who had destroyed her hope and her people. She would not be deceived.
iii.
It was fine. For the time being, he would resolve his heart to hatred. It was no less than what he deserved, in everyone's eyes. He was a monster. Nothing more than a monster who had destroyed the person he cared about most. He would not be deceived.
ii.
"Zero?"
When she saw Zero standing at the end of that road, it was like suddenly part of her stomach caved in as she looked between the two figures, one in his imperial white, and one in his anonymous mask. And she just knew. She heard the silent breath she and everyone around her drew. And she also saw what no one else would see, what no one else would notice in their gladness for the end.
i.
"Zero?"
The name came almost involuntarily from her mouth, holding the same significance for her as with the Black Knights on death row. Inside her head, something screamed a warning of what was to come, but she couldn't comprehend it. Zero jumped in front of her, and in an instant was gone again, leaving her feeling breathless and bereft.
requiem
He was standing at the end of the road before the cluster of vehicles showed up. He caught sight of Lelouch almost instantly, and at that moment, it was like they were the only two beings alive. Lelouch waited for him to come patiently, a child with arms wide open to embrace his reward. He dodged the knightmares' pitiful attempts to stop him and he was on the platform with Lelouch.
The world held its breath.
He raised the sword high, so prepared, and drove it right through. It was impossible to miss. He was, after all, waiting for it. The sword passed through Lelouch's stomach with sickening ease. Lelouch looked up, so very, very slowly,
And
He
Smiled.
Every memory before the moment, every moment that passed.
Laughter and tears, anger, hate and love.
Everything ends in this moment.
The memories will pass by you in a bright-colored blur,
And all you can do is watch.
iii.
Suzaku could not stop the tears. They flowed, endless and silent, beneath the faceless mask bestowed upon him by his most dear friend and most bitter enemy. There were so many words that he should have said that were never said.
Words like "I'm sorry,"
and "It's okay now,"
and "We're friends, right? We'll always be—"
With quickly fading breath, Lelouch bequeathed his last eternal "punishment" on his friend and his enemy, and Suzaku could only weep more for the gentleness of it. Where was the hate and the spite in this? It simply wasn't there. The feelings he had thought were mutual between him and this person were no longer equally balanced, and Suzaku was left drowning in that ending smile on his face.
He was supposed to hate this man, for the things he had done, and to some degree, be hated in return for failing to do as he promised—protecting Nunally and for always being—
But then why wouldn't the tears stop?
i.
She didn't truly understand until his body slid down the platform incline. Staring at him, this body that was already broken, where was the emperor who had enslaved the world? When she reached out to touch him, his body already going cold, she saw the hard, cold truth that awaited her.
Beautiful purple eyes, too tired to stay open any longer, closed for the final time as he smiled. He did not shed a single tear.
He looked so small now, so crushed. She thought of a baby bird with a snapped neck and all the breath was yanked from her body. She couldn't stop crying, as she screamed his name over and over and over, just wishing he would come back.
Baby birds and a smile. These were the only things left to her by the Onii-sama who had sacrificed his whole world for her.
ii.
She watched Suzaku—for it could be no other—draw back his sword with a flourish. And just before he drove it through Lelouch—her classmate, her friend, her love, Zero—she saw the look on Lelouch's face.
He smiled.
Not the silly smile that Rivalz usually had, or the sweet, but sad one Suzaku used to wear, but one of utter and complete peace with the world.
She shouted his name, her ears deaf to her own voice, but it wouldn't have made a difference, even if she had been free and armed. Lelouch had chosen this ending since long ago.
She couldn't hear the words, but she knew he was saying something to Suzaku, the final words to ensure that this world he had put so much care into would not fall apart. She knew, but in the space of the silence that the world paused for she didn't understand. She knew, but as his body slid down to rest by Nunally, she still didn't understand.
She knew, but didn't understand until Nunally screamed. A scream that could shatter the earth. By that time, the world finally began to move again, and the Black Knights were being rescued by the resistance.
As Princess Cornelia opened her shackles, looking at her with this grim, yet triumphant expression, she said, "The traitor is dead! You will all be absolved and allowed to go free!"
As though such things were supposed to comfort her. The tears just wouldn't stop. She wanted to do what Nunally had done, to cry and scream at the sky until her voice abandoned her. This person didn't understand. No one understood. And she wasn't allowed to tell them. Let the secret of his memory be forever crushed by the world, or you will undo everything that he has made.
iii.
He knew the people were cheering for him, saw their fists pumping in the air and their brilliant faces with their gaping, hideously joyful smiles. But he couldn't hear them. All he could hear was Nunally's screaming sobs below him. It pierced him through more efficiently than the sword that had speared Lelouch.
He was finally grateful for his mask. He stood there, frozen, playing the part of the people's hero, all the while letting the tears fall over and over from wet eyes. If not for Lelouch's orders to play Zero forever, he would have curled into a ball right there and just let the world move on without him. Or he would have gone to Nunally and held her close and babbled meaningless words until his tongue fell out.
But the fact was that nothing could make it okay. Just like nothing could make Euphie's death okay.
o.
The day Lelouch V Britannia—no, Lelouch Lamperouge—died, it rained. It poured, like it would never stop.
It was also the day they found their second birth. In the ashes of Lelouch's sacrifice rose three new people. As the world slowly began to turn in a new direction, they watched his tightly raveled ball of lies, deceit and hope take root and flourish. The more time that passed, the more apparent it was how dearly he had loved them.
It was hard to comprehend, the fact that this man, he who had used and killed and lied to so many people, truly cherished life, like it was some fragile and delicate thing. He had loved more deeply than they could ever know. In his perception of the world was all the beauty and ugliness of life.
There was only one time that her silent knight ever spoke to her. It was when she went to visit the grave. She sat before the tombstone, tears rolling down her face—it was the only place she could do so openly. To cry in public for the "dictator" would earn her the hatred of many people, something she could not afford if she wanted to continue to help her Onii-sama's world.
"Don't cry," Zero murmured. "Because he wouldn't be able to bear it."
"Then do not regret," she whispered back. "Because your heart will break."
To those words, he had nothing to say, and the silence between them grew into a lifetime.
That was the only time he spoke to her. She knew who he was. And he knew that she knew, but the bond they had once shared was gone now, dissolved with the old world. The man known as Kururugi Suzaku no longer existed, and as far as the world was concerned, he probably never had, except in the driest pages of history.
It was a slightly bittersweet thing. It should have been painful, and since it was not, it still was. Not existing was easier than the act of living as himself. Sometimes he hated it, the fact that he had no remorse for discarding "Kururugi Suzaku" with such ease. Yet he could not hate Lelouch for it. He could never, not even until he died. Whenever he tried, all he could remember was a serious boy with sad eyes, asking "We'll be friends forever, right?"
When she was moving her belongings to the new apartment with her mother, she found a box that she had temporarily thrown in her closet. Inside were many things, but what she loved most was the picture. She had forgotten about it, and it was slightly worn from being buried in a box, but it was still so bright and happy that she almost cried. Everyone was in it—Shirley, her smile so shining it hurt to look at, Milly, Rivalz, Nina, Nunally, and in the very middle, Suzaku and Lelouch, side by side. Even in the stillness of the photograph, the air between them was like the air between the closest of brothers. If she hadn't gotten to know them both so well, she would never have guessed the tragic rift that had set them both on different paths.
Sometimes, she would look at the picture, and feel a slight ache in her chest, but she will never allow it to grow. She suffocates the feeling until it is gone, and walks out the door with her head held high so that she can look at the faraway sky.
She stayed on the student council. It took time, as everything does, but eventually there came a day when she could tell them of what she had been, what she had seen, and what she had done. Lelouch and Suzaku were talked about, but sometimes, if the TV was on and Nunally appeared, the room would go silent and still, so that you could almost believe that they were dead. She was always the one who would get up and turn the TV off, talking about business they had to deal with until she could see the uneasy life coming back into their faces.
He had left in his wake both beautiful dreams and horrendous nightmares, and it would take many years of struggle before everyone could decipher the meaning of his life and decide for themselves what he had meant to them. Just as he had left Suzaku his duty, so he had left behind a duty for her.
"You must live on," he said to her. And she did. They all did.
We who are here,
Watching the world as it heals,
We remember what no one else will
And we will carry on.
Aneko: I must confess, I am very satisfied with the way this turned out. I don't think I will be writing any other Code Geass fanfictions, so I must say farewell to this section. Dedicated to Suzaku, as stupid as I thought he was sometimes.