A note from Winnychan:

This is a story that was written Round Robin style. The authors are Winnychan, KameTerra, and DeeMG. People who have read Winnychan's fics 'The Talk' and/or 'Spoiled' might be slightly less confused, but my hope is that this will be a fun ride for you guys regardless. :)

And now, a forward from Michelangelo himself!

Hey kids! it's Mikey Hamato Splinterson, better known as the Turtle Titan, your friendly neighborhood superhero, defender of New York City, Third Earth, and (if necessary) the whole multiverse! I'm here to warn you that you probably shouldn't read this.

Not if you answer to 'Hey, kids!", because, let me tell you. This story I'm about to tell contains swearing and masturbation humour, not to mention (keep your hats on folks) FULL FRONTAL GIRL-ON-TURTLE SEXUAL SHENANIGANS. Please don't be mislead into thinking this is a kid's show just because it contains a whole bunch of video game humour and awesome pop culture references like J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter, The Matrix, 300, World of Warcraft, Namco's Soul Calibur, or Chun Li and the Street Fighter franchise, which both belong to Capcom, and they were invoked by the authors or Yours Truly for no profit whatsoever.

Now, for all you too mature-for-his age little twerps who don't have time for my warnings, please know that this story contains things you should definitely not try at home, like physical violence and totally sweet magic! See, it's only okay for me and my brothers to do these things because we are young adults, not to mention professionally trained ninjacrime fighters. Let's face it, we're pretty badass dudes all-around.

This fic is also going to be real complicated and might turn your brain inside-out in several places. Or you might stand up and shout OH NO HE DIDN'T right in the middle of it, and really annoy everybody else. So, please, kids. Wait until you are grown ups and practice safe sex and don't do drugs and get out of here. Seriously.

Soooo… are they gone? No one left but you totally mindfuckable people?

...

*taps Smithers fingers together*

E-e-excellent.

... ... ... ... ... ...

S W A G G E R
... ... ... ... ... ...

So, it all started when Don gets out of the bathroom, and he's walking back over to the couch with this swagger that pretty much confirms EVERYBODY'S suspicions.

I believe I actually turned to stare at him, which may have been kinda rude on my part. But DUBYA TEE EFF, right? Did he think he was being sneaky? The change is Total Don Makeover and could not be more obvious. Irritated and antsy before he gets up to 'take a leak'... and the whole time he's gone, we're thinking: is he gonna?

He's only gone for like a MINUTE, right? But when it's mating season and your girlfriend is a Time Mistress, I guess a minute is all you need. They're SUPPOSED to be broken up, but lately none of us believe it. And sure enough, would you just look at him?

Not for the first time, I find myself grateful for all the private training I've been doing lately with Leo. I put a shield up right away just to keep from feeling his stupid satisfaction, this lecherous content that is just dripping off him. In my current mood, it's is seriously gross. Even after my shields are up, his cocky confidence and relief won't leave my head. I can still feel it crawling under my skin, and zapping through me like anger. For a minute or two, I can be nothing but pissed off and hella jealous of him. It burns and sears in me with the heat of a thousand Hot Tamales chewed up all at once.

Then I look over and realize that Leo, who was sitting next to me and apparently enjoying the movie up until now, is flashing Don these searing looks that make me realize that HE is hella jealous too! But he's playing it cool, of course. Trying to make it look like something else, disgust or annoyance or something. For some reason this turns the situation from sucky into slightly hilarious.

But it's only funny until I notice Raph, who is pointedly not staring at him. His eyes are still on the T.V. but his gaze and the set of his jaw have gone rock hard. I'm pretty sure in a minute he'll have veins popping out of his neck. Great! I know it's only a matter of time before… crap. Someone has to salvage the humor! And like usual, that someone is me. I cover my mouth to hide my grin and think (purposefully 'loud' enough for Leo to hear) MAYDAY! Mayday, captain! He's gonna blooooow!

Leo is no help at all, of course. He takes my warning WAY too serious, answering, Yeah, he is. I guess I better say something. He made a sound in his head, like he was puffing his lips out. Htch… Just, give me a second to figure out what.

Nonono! I barely manage to get the thought clear enough to get across to him. You're totally not the right person to...

Of course I'm way too late. Leo's already got a plan, checked it over, and set it in motion — totally leader mode, and totally not the right way to handle anything, much less Raph, during the craze of mating season. "C'mon, guys, let's go for a run – "

Yep, there go the veins! I can feel the tension zinging off of Raph and bouncing crazily all over the room.

Don, totally oblivious and radiating that disgusting sense of ...ick ...is still wandering around the back of the room, practically humming to himself and being so damn smug and self-satisfied that I just... I just... Argh! Is this Raph's crazy-anger infecting me, or is it me myself?

A moment later it doesn't matter, because Raph stands up, apparently done with half-hearted attempts to keep his cool, and turns a cutting gaze to Leo-the new focus of his anger. I panic, wildly racking my brain for something to diffuse the situation. I GOT THIS ONE! I shout in my head, and I see Leonardo visibly wince.

Gently, he communicates to me. It wasn't in words so much as a soft waft of energy, like a puff of breath in winter air. Leo's so crazy good at this shit, but my skills are rather along the lines of a kid with their first skateboard-awkward and jolting. Still, gets the job done, right?

"Hey Donnie," I say out loud, trying not to let the animosity I felt color my voice. Just go with the flow... "You gonna tell us your secret?"

Donatello halts and turns to me, his face neutral, but he's still giving off the infuriating smugness he swaggered out with. "My secret?" he asks in guarded tone.

As I had hoped, both Raph and Leo are now staring between me and Don, and Leo's question settles over my consciousness with no more weight than smog over Manhattan. What are you up to?

None of your beezwax! I reply, because I'm super mature like that.

Turning to Donny-Boy, I give him a sunny, day-glo smile and clarify, "The SECRET, Don! You've gotta let me in on it! Because that was, what- thirty, forty-five seconds? Are you over the toilet like one of those paint shaking machines, all brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr?" I have touched my fingers to my thumb to demonstrate my point with helpful frenzied gestures. Some people are visual learners.

"Mike!" Leo snaps and gives me a sharp look. Raph rolls his eyes up and away, folding his arms.

"Here's what REALLY throws me. With what material? Don't you have trouble without something to read or watch or whatever? We're a week deep in this now, and imagination only gets you so far, right? Dunno about you, but I was outta fresh fantasies after day three! So where are you hiding the pornographic materials, Donatello? Under the bathroom sink? Some kind of hidden wall compartment?" I put one fist on my hip, tapping my foot a little, and trying my best to sound like Leo. "Not in the toilet tank, I hope? Hasn't anyone ever told you that Leo feels very strongly about hiding things in the toilet tank?"

"I'm pretty sure you're the only one who ever had to be told that, Mikey," Leo comments wryly. He had found the remote and he's rewinding the movie so the disruption won't cause us to miss anything. Dude's way serious about everything, even watching movies.

"The point is, if HE'S allowed to hide porn in the bathroom then EVERYONE should be able to! We're Americans, damn it. I demand freedom of porn. Porn equality! Anyway, don't you think it's crazy how he did it without us hearing any churring? I mean, THAT is pretty slick. I GOTTA know how you pulled it off."

"Ball gag?" Raph suggests in a mutter under his breath, causing me to cackle and Don to look especially mortified.

"It would have to be an awfully big ball, wouldn't it?" Leo says with a frown. I can't help laughing even more, and this time Raph joins in because it sounds like our big brother is seriously considering ball gag logistics. Honestly it blows my mind that he even knows the word.

Am I the Raph Whisperer or what? Yeah, I am feeling pretty good about myself for getting him to calm down so quickly.

But that's when my other brother decides to explode. "Alright, that's ENOUGH!" Donatello cuts the air violently with his hands.

Well, damn. I wasn't expecting the afterglow to wear off so quick, or for him to be so sensitive about being accused of literally taking matters into his own hands, not during mating season. I mean, it's pretty much an open secret for us, yeah? We all know what it's like!

And I'd totally turn it around and work on defusing the Don-bomb that's standing behind the couch - once I get Raph to back off of DefCon One, I can do anything, right? - except...well, I AM kinda pissed at him in my own right. He DID come swaggering in here, just radiating a satisfaction I'm not likely to ever get, when he's supposed to be suffering through this right along with us. He's supposed to be tense and irritable and uncomfortable in his own skin, just like the rest of us.

He's certainly got the 'tense and irritable' part down pat right now. "I leave the room for one minute, and when I come back, everyone's decided to throw all courtesy and civil conversation out the window and begin interrogating me about my, my bathroom habits?" Donatello seethed.

This isn't really much of an improvement, Leo says to me. His face is totally not giving away the amount of exasperation that he's packed into that comment. I really need to learn how he hides his feelings like that.

At least he's not throwing things or inflicting bodily injuries, I whip back at him.

"It's like you've decided to commit some sort of pack-mentality ostracism..." Don is raging, and I quit listening to his words and just pay attention to what he's saying without them. And okay. I know it's like, totally against The Rules. My responsible and rule-abiding older brother would never dream of spying on someone's thoughts this way, even if that someone is just letting them spew all over the place. That's what shielding is for, he'd say. But I'm not Leo, and sometimes I just, like, start picking things up before I even realize what I'm doing! I usually mostly always throw up a shield as soon as I realize it…

From what I can tell now, in the teensy tiny glimpse I allow myself, it's just…confusion. It's like, Don's down there somewhere, under a fuck-ton of static, but his real voice is just a whisper, barely audible under the roar of hormones. Which is what it's like for all of us this time of year, I guess. Some of us more than others, actually, as Raphael reminds me when his voice rises to meet Don's a moment later. Startled, I snap back and hastily put up the most solid shield I can manage under the onslaught of Raph's yelling. Other down side of being a n00b at this stuff? Even though I'm usually like, the MASTAH of multitasking—I c'n watch TV, read comic books, and sing along with the music on my MP3 player, and eat a sandwhich at the same time—I can't manage even the simplest task while eavesdropping on someone's mind.

Which meant I totally missed my window for attempting to disarm the ticking time-bomb known as Raphael.

"HOW FUCKING STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM?" he was yelling. He had grabbed Don by the bo strap and nearly yanked the slimmer turtle off his feet with a vicious tug forward. Donatello cringes and turns his head aside because Raph is snarling in his face. "Pack-mentality ostracizing my ass!"

This outburst freaks out me and Leo simultaneously. I don't know if he is thinking what I'm thinking, but what I'm thinking is: I've seen Raph grab people like this before. Mostly just criminals, right? But the last time it happened during mating season, that criminal got tossed head first into a brick wall. I'm not sure he can HELP it. We ALL get a little bit screwloose and psycho during this time of year.

I jump to my feet, but like usual I'm slower than Leo - wait. Let me rephrase that! Because if we're running, or dodging, or having a pizza eating contest, or doing just about any other situation you can think of that hinges on fastness - I'm WAY faster. But when it comes to the question of "should I do something to stop Raph", Leo beats me every time.

When our big brother puts a hand on his shoulder, Raph gives a violent shrug to toss it off again. "What? I'm fine! I'm just..." He shudders and finally spits. "Tell him not to be so obvious if he wants to play dumb! It's a fucking insult! I could smell his shit a mile away." He's still pissed, but the important thing is that he has flung Don away.

I watch him put distance between all of us and glance down, scowling, flexing his fist. I have to bury the understanding that creeps onto my face as I watch this. Of course he'd never say so, but I feel almost certain he didn't mean to grab Don in the first place.

"This is why I should always listen to my sensei," Don was muttering furiously under his breath, stumbling backwards and still recovering his dignity. "Take a shower afterward, he said! All right! Lesson learned!"

"So, now what?" Raph demands of Leo. He flings a hand in Don's direction and asks hotly, "You just gonna let that slide? Let him lie right to our faces?"

"Well," Leo stalls, looking uncomfortable. "To be honest? I'm tempted to say that something like this is way outside of any authority Splinter ever gave me."

"That's a cop out and you know it. If it was-" He stops short and scowls. "What the fuck is he doing?"

We all glance over at Don, who has taken his cell shell out and messing with it. "Texting you," he announces without looking up.

Two seconds later, Raph's shell cell makes a 'bloop' noise. He doesn't answer it, but continues staring at Don like he is some kind of nutcase.

Don stares back at him.

Eventually Raph's impatience gets the better of him. He tears the phone off his belt and opens it. Nosy bastard that I am, I crowd him on one side to read it too.

It says: i was embarrassed, ok? i'm sorry!

Raph scowls. He looks up at Don and opens his mouth to say something, then makes an irritated huff because Don is thumb typing again. "Seriously? DON! I AM RIGHT HERE. We're in the same room. Why the fuck are you-"

"Dude! Read it and you'll have your answer." This is from me. I've tilted my head way to the side so I can read Don's message for myself.

It says: SHE'S LISTENING, you idiot.

And you know what? It makes me and Raph both jump and look around guiltily.

Leo, frowning, leans in to read the tiny screen in Raphael's hand...and then he is glancing around, too, like he could actually see Renet. He doesn't look guilty, though. Instead, his eyes narrow. I could feel something coming off of his thoughts, but I couldn't make out enough to get a handle on it.

"Why?" he says bluntly, aiming that I-am-leader look at Don.

Don winces, and starts clicking away at those little keys again. It was kinda awkward - the three of us standing there staring at him while he click-click-clicked on the other side of the room. And besides, Leo and Raph are both still glaring at the guy - Raph looking like he is trying to decide if he is mad or not, and Leo was looking more and more like he is putting together some kind of leader-lecture in his head, even though I can't tell.

I give up and wander over to Don's side of the room. Balance is important to ninja, right? So I need to balance things out, get the chi flowing properly, even the odds...okay, sure, it's just because I am feeling nosy, right? And if I could lean over Don's shoulder and watch his thumbs, I could get the info before my bros.

'Course, that means I am standing close enough to him to smell him...her...them, and it wasn't the best thing for me right then. It goes straight to the center of my brain.

I hold my breath and watch the little letters show up on the screen.

its complicated. we broke up-rly! but we started…meeting. just as friends! at first. but she KNOWS how hard that is for me right now! and she said we could keep meeting on 1 condition: you guys didn't find out. it's some kind of test, or powertrip. or retribution? i think she might still be mad.

As I'm reading this, I'm thinking two things: first, does Renet have a friend who maybe shares her taste in guys? And second, Don's a pretty fast texter, for someone with thumbs as big as his. Then Leo's phone gives a bloop, and he plucks it out of his belt, eyes scanning rapidly. His brows furrow and he looks up at Don.

Shhhhhhhh, Leo shushes me, and by the way it gently wafts over me, it's obviously a request, not a demand. I can tell by his face that even he doesn't yet know what he's going to do—but it's clear he holds the power right now. By the look on Don's face, he knows it, too. His eyes are silently pleading with Leo not to blow his cover, but in spite of Leo's request for me to hold my tongue, I feel something that… okay. Leo's hella good at shielding. And this is so faint, I know he doesn't mean for me to pick it up. But he can't completely hide what he's feeling.

I know. Cuz part of me's feeling the same thing: It would be sooo easy to end this. Then we wouldn't have to watch him strut around the place like he's the absolute shit, dripping with infuriating self-satisfaction. Then we'd all be in the same boat again.

Raph's glaring back and forth between Don and Leo, his face darkening by the moment.

"Well?" Raph insists finally.

Mike. Leo is there, rapping on the door into my head. I look at him, and for a disjointed moment I am startled because the look he is giving me says more than I am expecting to hear. He wants me to know that he is becoming more worried about me than even Raph, and his bellowing steam. He can understand that, at least. But he has no clue what I'm about to do and he hates it.

I drag my gaze from Leo to Don, and then to my grey-knuckled fists. Kind of late, it occurs to me that I AM ticked at Donnie. And it's more than the usual springtime asshole jealousy. I'm pissed at him for hooking back up with a woman like Renet! That careless reckless bimbo and manipulative superbitch who has plunged us into abject terror and totally serious danger time and time again!

But more than anything, I'm ticked off because - oh, hey, would you look at that? It's the exact same reason that Raph is ticked off at him.

I hate that he's fallen back into this habit of lying to us. Right to our faces, his own family, like it was nothing! Once I realize this link we have in common, the rest of Raph's feelings become an open book. All at once, like a cold slap of water to the face, I understand that since the defeat of the Nightwatcher Raph has taken great strides to be more honest with the family. Not just his nightly whereabouts, but about a lot of things, and he has decided that his own dishonesty caused a lot of harm to the family. And now he is taking this personally, because it hurts like a bitch that Don can't even see these efforts he's been making...let alone return the favor. And all for what? So he can fuck some girl?

A mental bitchslap from Leo leaves me seeing stars. So far this is business as usual for us. I never realize that I'm looking too deeply before Leo is chewing me out for it. It doesn't matter that I'm not doing it to HIM, right? In fact, that always makes it worse. But it's like the cuff knocks something loose in my head. I experience a weird lurch, but not disorientation. Just for a moment, it feels like clarity.

I very nearly tell him to back off, because he doesn't understand. It's all still a LIE, that WHOLE text message, and we've got to figure out what... um... huh?

I can't tell Leo, I realize, even as my stomach roils and a creeped out feeling douses my skin. It's not UP to Leo. The Force is strong in that one, but lately... HOLY CRAP! I've been learning Jedi Powers that my big brother will never master.

Leo is actively demanding to know what the hell is going on in my head. He could feel my power gathering, I guess. Any time this happens and I'm not specifically trying because of our lessons or something - when it just happens naturally, unintentionally - it never fails to freak him out. Guess that makes two of us.

He is hammering on the outside of my subconscious, and even though he could break down the door like it was nothing, he never would because he's too well disciplined. I decide to shut him out. I shut them all out! I need time to think, to get my act back together, so I picture a great big castle with doors made of solid redwoods. They're reinforced with metal braces and studded with wicked stone spikes, and there's a big toothy opening that comes slamming down into place, with a resounding comic book bubble that says WHAMM! And it's so fast that anybody who tries to roll under in the nick of time will get crushed bloody and flat, and all the slow poke losers stuck on the other side of my epic shields will sound all stupid and muffled - even if they're screaming, like Leo probably is.

Yep. I can just barely make out something that sounds kind of like, THAT'S GREAT, MIKEY. REAL CUTE.

My reply comes from an Orc barbarian dude up in one of the towers, which are now flanking my epic castle shields. He leans out and hollers at Leo, FOR THE HORDE!

Meanwhile, deep in my subconscious, the world is going silent as my focus hones. My eyes close and simultaneously open as I shut out the physical word and open my spirit wide. I can see the fabric of time now, a vast network of threads running between us and away from us, in all directions. I can see every stitch our choices have made, or could make, and the whole endless length of it is moving at slow simultaneous crawl. A shiver runs over my skin, an echo of the awe and humility I felt when I first laid eyes on the world like this. It was a Neo-in-the-Matrix-hallway sort of moment.

Now the outrage of the physical me and the birthright of the spirit me are at odds, and neither feels completely mine. But I remember what to do next. I grab the fabric in what feels like my fists, and hold on tight. I picture my arms as immovable objects, strong as steel - no, forget that. Pssh, steel! These are Wolverine's arms. They are inlaid with an adamantium core, and you better believe it, bub! Nothing in this world is gonna make em budge!

That oughta do it. Right? I peek one eye open - one actual, physical eye - to see the results for myself. I'm nervous to see if it worked, but it totally did! I just stopped time, and no one was here to help me do it! Oh, man. Leo would shit a brick if he knew I could do this. He might shit two or three.

With a start, I realize that I can see her now. This shimmering, curvaceous outline has got to be Renet's intruding presence. She is literally almost there.

Which means... she's breaking the rules! I think dizzily. I am still not entirely sure how I know this, or what it's supposed to mean. But I know that it's one hundred percent true.

I start to freak out a little more and go through the usual head trip, wondering if I'm dead or going crazy, or maybe I've been crazy for a really long time now (the verdict is still out). Thoughts, memories, and impossible understandings are pouring into my head, all disjointed and out of order, kind of like trying to remember a really bizarre dream you had last night, except you had hundreds of them. Deja vu on steroids, I think, and even THAT is not a brand new thought. I can't pin down the when, but I have coined this term before. What's happening is that I am on the verge of remembering some very important shit. We're talking huge. Top secret, too - so secret that I'm apparently keeping it from myself the majority of the time. It's not that I've been attacked in the brain by Triceratons. I'm instinctively aware, somehow, that I have done this to myself.

Jesus. It's probably a good thing that I'm not allowed to tell Leo that he's not my only teacher - or tell Master Splinter that he's not my only Master. How the hell do you have conversations like that? It takes a braver soul than me.

I am still fighting vertigo, but the puzzle pieces are falling into place and a lot of them have to do with HER. A lot of them are all BECAUSE of her!.

I invoke Jedi powers without even thinking about it. My will snaps towards her like some kind of glowing whip right out of Soul Calibur! It snags her around the waist, wrapping several times, and drags her into full view with a forcible YANK! Renet gives a surprised little squawk and begins to kick and squirm fiercely. I just stand back and enjoy the show at first, but eventually drop her and let the Jedi rope disintegrate. She lands on her feet - just barely, thanks to her ridiculous heels - and gives me a very indignant huff.

"Hi!" I greet her, almost conversational. "You know, my memory's still a little fuzzy, but - are you supposed to be here? For some reason I've got this nagging feeling that you're not."

"Wow, Mikey!" she sneers, kind of fake and nasty. "Check you out. Some kind of prodigy or whatever? Everybody says you're really something."

"I am really something," I agree, just to talk smack. "Pwned you easy enough. Haven't you been doing this for years?"

"Kay, this is a purely social visit. There's no reason to be a jerk about it." She folds her arms and gives me a very pretty sulk. It has the awesome effect of pursing her pink lips and squishing her boobs together. I go into cleavage overload and rake my eyes over her with new appreciation. Renet may be incredibly annoying, but she is also smoking supermodel hot, which sometimes makes up for it. It seems a bit incredible that she is even standing here, right in the middle of the lair, and JUST in time for this stupidly awkward testosterone party my brothers and I throw every single year. I got two words for you, right? And they are METAL and BIKINITHING.

Bikinithing. Without the space, see? That makes it one word.

I was 100% third earth Mikey Hamato - a n00b and a dumb ass, in other words - and for several moments I can't say or do much of anything except stare at her boobs. They are making me feel drunk. I give myself a shake, trying to get my head in check before I started babbling come-on's like Pauly Shore on Ritalin. I tear my attention away from her forcibly and shoot a look towards poor frozen Donnie. I forgive you, bro! Maybe I was ticked before, but now I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND!

I peek back at Renet experimentally, but it's no good. Her boobs are still there, gorgeous and intoxicating as ever.

Finally I resign myself to being boob drunk and plaster a big, fierce grin on my face. If this is how it's gotta be, then I'd better be the cocky asshole kind of drunk - rather than the slow and stupid, can't-stop-leering-at-girls kind - or Renet would wind me around her pinky quicker than you can say 'gag me with a spoon'.

"You want nice? Fine! Let's start over." I put a fist up to my mouth and make a show of clearing my throat and straightening my posture. "So, tell me! What's a good looking, clever, and - correct me if I'm wrong here, but SUSPENDED TIME MISTRESS - doing in a totally out of her jurisdiction neighborhood like this?"

"Yeah? What'cha gonna do about it, newbie?" she throws back at me, like it's a really sick burn. All it really does is prove that she has been spending WAY too much time with my brother. "Tell me, have you even STARTED the first grade? And do you want to try that kinky bondage grab again, now that my guard is up?" She plants her feet and tosses her hair over one shoulder, putting up her fists in an Anime Girl Power Pose. I'll be the first to admit that it was made of win. "Go ahead, mister! Let's just see how well it goes for you!"

Disclaimer, okay? I am really NOT so dumb about combat tactics that I would try the same bizarre and flashy trick twice in a row. Especially not after she came right out and said she would be ready for it! Also, there's one big drawback to doing Jedi magic on the fly like I do. When you don't exactly KNOW how you did what you just did half the time, it's often hard to give repeat performances. Still, I found myself squaring off with her, goaded and sorely tempted to do SOMETHING. I was wide awake now, and fully aware that there was awesome power at my disposal. I could feel it racing and singing through me, growing heavier in the surrounding air and crackling like static at my fingertips...

You know? Let this be a lesson to you, kids. Because dark intentions and imaginative metaphors can be serious trouble when you're a magical superhero like me. My power manifests itself into actual static for a second, can you believe it? Just enough to SHOCK THE FUCK out of me. I yelp and drag a couple fingers into my mouth. It feels just like an actual burn. Maybe it is? I have no idea! Talk about embarrassing.

Like I said, I wasn't actually going to DO what she suggested! But that's how it must have looked, because she starts laughing her ass off. "Oh man! Haha. That was AWESOME! You actually... aww, honey! I thought you were supposed to be good at this."

"Uh-huh. You really got me, there," I counter, cheeks stinging and dripping with sarcasm. "I'm like, so completely jealous of you right now. First grade? That must have been so rad. Yeah, turns out I don't get to do that stuff. They screwed me out of the whole apprentice deal too, can you believe it? Something about being a pre-confirmed Lord. Now I'm looking over my course list, and it's like... Twist Theory Fundamentals? Portal Construction? What the hell? You guys aren't gonna let me draw paradox diagrams on flash cards and dust a bunch of shit?"

"You're taking Intro to Portal Construction?" she repeats in a skeptical deadpan.

"Intermediate," I correct her. "And not YET, sheesh. The list was for NEXT semester."

"How did you- what a crock of!" Blondie is spluttering at me, outraged. "Why would they just let you SKIP Intro?"

"Tested out," I tell her slowly, because it should be obvious. She still looks baffled, so after a moment I decide to elaborate. "You know. It's where you show up, and they're all, 'make a portal'. And you're like, 'blam, it's a portal'. And then they rip you for all the things that sucked about your portal, and they stick you in a class with a bunch of other people who made sucky portals, and... um. Look, Future Me said it works kind of like the first years of college on Third earth. Your first grade really doesn't have this?"

"Listen, you little twerp," she snaps, stabbing a painted finger at me. "I am NOT still in the first grade!"

"Oh, right! Geez, I know!" I soothe, waving my palms at her. "I just wasn't sure how the whole suspension thing works exactly! Thought you might have to, like... start over. Re-certify or something."

"As if!" she scoffs. "You need to recheck your memories, sonnyboy. Because you are SO not briefed on my full situation. Anyway, it's not like they had to strip me. Lord S. is just doing me a FAVOR by coming out of retirement. This is the politically safe move, right? And he's just making sure everything goes smoothly while they finish processing our transfer to the seventeenth twist."

"Huh! That's cool of him, I guess. Lord S. is a pretty swell guy, huh? Sticking around to make sure you're all settled in when he could be playing golf or going to antique shows or whatever."

"Like they even HAVE that stuff in Ancient Rome. It's all about gladiators, people throwing spears and getting eaten by lions, that sorta thing."

"Sounds wicked!" I admit, but this only gets a bored shrug from her. Like, the cast of 300 versus actual lions. Big whoop! "So, here's a fun question. Even though you're under suspension, the council still lets you travel here all by yourself, opening portals into other people's realms and making booty calls whenever you feel like it?"

Renet looks down at me and positively glowers. This is another 1337 Jedi power I have which Leo will never master. It doesn't matter who you are, but if you have a last nerve? I can get on it.

Confidence begins to swell in me as I realized that I could still beat her. In fact, I WOULD beat her! I can FEEL the odds shifting in the space around me, pulling to my favor. It feels AMAZING, filling me with pure distilled I-Win-Button machismo. "Alright, biznatch!" I call out, my eyes blazing at her. "This Mister Nice Guy shit is over. I can't believe you're even showing your skanky face around here after all the trouble you got my brother into. My whole VERSE was on the brink of destruction because of you!" I drop into a stance I like to call "casual offensive", demanding, "So you're gonna tell me what you're doing here. And then you're going to GEE-TEE-EFF-OH before I knock you into last Tuesday!"

"Mmmm," she hums, advancing on me with a Total Bitch look on her face, eyes glittering. "Go ahead! Thanks to your brother, last Tuesday wasn't all that bad."

"You know, Council Dudes? I TRIED to reason with her. But are you hearing this? The woman is begging for a beat-down." For the record, I am talking to the air and not to the Council. But how is Renet going to know that? And the Council WILL hear it eventually, if she continues down this crazy path.

"A beat-down?" Renet scoffs and does some 'oh snap' fingers in my face. "What's a noble ninja turtle boy like you gonna do, exactly? HIT A GIRL?"

"You are forgetting one very important thing." I jump backwards and land with my feet spaced apart, one hand in front of me, the other behind me, striking a pose of total combat readiness.

Two spotlights glare and the world falls away behind us, plunging us into an arena of black. Glowing golden letters appear in the air between us.

TIME MISTRESS RENET

VS

LORD TITAN

"You're a danger to my family!" I accuse, pointing my hand at her like a triggered gun. "And I am NOT Donatello!"

Renet's eyes widen. She looks back at me. I give her a manic grin as the letters hanging in the air changes.

Round 1... FIGHT!

"Down, down-forward, forward, punch!" I speak the words with precise timing. Then I launch into a clockwise spin and stop with my wrists pressed together and my palms splayed towards her. "HADOUKEN!"

A massive blue fireball erupts from my palms and it strikes her dead on! She is blasted backwards and lands on her back in an ungraceful sprawl. "What the..." she mutters in confusion. I give her a moment to pick herself up and look around nervously. Finally she looks at me. Her expression becomes a scowl when she notices that I am doing a steady bounce in place, just like a Street Fighter character, and beaming like an idiot. "That didn't even hurt, you moron!" she fumes.

"Or did it?" I look up pointedly, directing her gaze to the red bars floating high above us. Her bar is noticeably shorter than my bar. "Know what those are?"

This earns me a look of irritated sarcasm. "My health points?"

"Close! Those are your Not-Banished-From-My-Realm-Forever points. Which means, you've got until the end of this battle to explain yourself and get out of my sight. But if that bar reaches zero... Down, down-back, back, kick!" I launched at her with a Hurricane Kick, spinning towards her with one leg extended, fast enough to make my limbs a blur. "Tatsumaki Senpuu Kyaku!"

"Um. Uh!" she stammers, wringing her hands. She was trying to cancel out the reality I'd forced on us, but it wouldn't work of course. It was my turf, and the magic used here would follow my rules. "B-back!" she shrieks right as I swing into range. Her arms come up in a successful block. She scoots backwards, putting more distance between us.

"Ah-ha! Played this game before, have you?" I have to admit, I'm impressed.

"My sweetie has funny ideas about spending quality time together. I've picked up some PRETTY slick moves of my own, I'll have you know! Kick-kick-kick-kick... hai! Hai! Hai!" Her leg punched at me repeatedly in a peach and blue blur.

"Block, crouch-block, block,... please!" I am laughing at her with good reason. That's like the easiest move in the whole game! "If Chun Li's super lightning kick is a big part of your strategy for defeating Donatello at Street Fighter, I GUARANTEE he is letting you win."

"He does not! Kick, punch, kick, kick, will you DIE ALREADY!"

I duck and dodge all of these efforts. All the while, I am inching my way closer. "Forward, down, down-forward, punch!" I spring up in a deadly uppercut known as the Rising Dragon Punch. "SHORYUKEN!" I follow this up with, "Down, down-forward, forward, punch! HADOUKEN!" Another blue fireball blasts her before she even has time to land.

"Ooo! I'll show you!" Renet seethes, picking herself off the ground and balling her fists. She doesn't notice that she's only got a tiny red sliver of life left.

"You've lost, my dear," a disembodied voice explains wryly. We both whirl to see the blue floating head that Lord Simultaneous uses for long distance communication. "Now, tell the young Lord what he wants to know."

"But... no! I won't!" She stomps a spiked heal into the ground. "I've still got another round!"

The floating head swivels towards me and arches a pointy brow.

"That's true," I agree. "But considering that your first round lasted all of thirty seconds, you should probably listen to your mentor."

"Punch kick punch punch B A B C D F G!" Renet shrieks. She launches towards me in a series of punches and kicks that only connect with air, and the barrage finally ends with a sputter and some frozen jerking. I take her out with an easy crouch and a powerful kick.

"Freakin' button mashers!" I laugh over her twitching corpse. "What the hell kind of controller are you using?"

Round 2... FIGHT!

As you can imagine, round two goes a lot like round one does. At the end of it, she is quivering on the ground and shielding her face as I prepare to blast her.

"Okay, okay!" She shrieks at me. "Did it ever occur to you that I might actually be WORRIED about him? That I might MISS him, you asshole? Did you ever think of that?"

I back off a step and look down at her dubiously. "No. If that's true, why are you showing up NOW? As in, during mating season, when he's obviously gonna be a sucker to your evil feminine wiles?"

She draws up to her full height and tries to give me a withering look, but it fails miserably. To my surprise and dismay, I can see that she has flushed and her eyes have become glassy with tears. "We both like this time of year," she says, husky and bitter. "Him for the obvious reasons. And me..." She glances self-consciously at the dispassionate blue face of Lord Simultaneous' avatar, then huffs and looks away. "If you must know, it's the only time that he can't seem to get enough of me."

Ouch. This defense of hers has a ring of truth to it. I've known for awhile now that he doesn't love her. It's why they broke up in the first place. I've always just assumed she was using him for various reasons. But maybe...

She must sense that I am listening now. She looks up and launches into rushed explanations. "It's been months. I just wanted to see him. I was kind of super ticked at him when I did what I did! And I KNOW you're in charge here now, but I've been looking out for him for so long. Old habits die hard! I just wanted to-"

"That's enough!" I cut her off so sharply that she actually cowers. "You've been sneaking into MY realm and meddling with MY family. You still giving a shit about my brother means nothing to me but serious bad news. And according to the Laws of Time, I don't have to stand for it!" The fact that she apparently cares about my brother makes what I have to say a little harder. But in the end, I just can't afford to give a shit.

"Um. So..." she whimpers. "Wh-what are you going to do with me?"

"God dammit!" I grumble. "The smartest thing would still be to banish your ass."

"What do you know?" Lord Simultaneous' floating blue head gloats. "This one DOES have promise."

Renet whirls on him. "You are not helping!"

The glowing head displaces with a snicker and a muffled pop.

Blondie turns back to me with a glint of hope in her eyes. "So you're NOT going to banish me forever?"

"I'm not. But on ONE condition! I'm working on a plan to fix this mess, and YOU'RE going to go along with it."

"Oh?" She is picking herself up off the ground, straightening her dress and playing at casual. "What sort of plan?"

"That's for me to know, and you to... not. Anyway, the next time you see Don, he's gonna make some crazy accusations. And whatever whacked out thing he claims is true, you're gonna keep your mouth shut except to agree with him. Beyond that, you don't want to talk about it. Deal?"

She stares at me for a second but finally waves her hand and agrees, "Whatever you say." Her eyes are calculating, though. I can see her weighing her options. Chances are she would stab me in the back at the first opportunity. It's a risk I can't afford to take. "Fine, I totally promise."

"Riiight," I tell her, heavily patronizing. "Thing is, I'm gonna need more than just your promise."

"You're BINDING ME?" she exclaims, like it's a huge shock.

"Babe, it's not that I don't trust you... oh, wait. It's exactly like that."

"Ugh!" She sulks and sticks her lip out, but we both know I've got her between a rock and a hard place. Eventually she agrees to the binding.

When we're finished, I spread my hands and tell her, "There! That wasn't so bad, was it? Now, there's just ONE more thing I need to seal the deal."

"There's MORE?" she groans.

"Yup."

"Omigod, this is RIDICULOUS! It is so not cool to keep adding things after we already cut a deal!"

I put on my Serious Business face and point one finger at the ground. "You want to make any future booty calls in my neck of the woods? Then you'll do what I say!"

"Then tell me. What you want. Already!" she says through her teeth.

"A kiss," I beam at her.

"What?" Renet squeaks. She stands up a little straighter and blinks at me.

"A big sloppy one. Come on! It's been a long week. Anyway, I totally need the practice."

"I can't believe you're serious! Don't you hate my guts?"

"Yeah, so? I'm really not that picky! Ohh wait! I'm very sorry. Are you worried that I might damage your reputation?" This should have been a major zing, because the other big problem between Don and Renet (besides the whole not loving her thing) is that she sleeps around on him every chance she gets, even when they're supposed to be "together"! And the sad part is that Don defends her and calls it a 'cultural difference', even though it totally bothers him. Dude, I call it being a slut. And if she knows it bothers him, coming from a whole planet of sluts does not excuse her.

"Oh, please," she snorts, slinking closer and pretty much confirming every nasty thing I ever thought about her. "Honestly, tiger… if that's what you're after, then maybe you shoulda bargained for more than kissing."

"Really?" I widen my eyes and try to look all innocent and surprised by this. "Well... like what?"

"Too late for that now, isn't it?" she sneers all sing-song, winding her arms around me. "C'mere, handsome!"

It was an awesome kiss, I'm not going to lie. Not that I have tons of comparison kisses under my belt or anything. And maybe I was influenced by the season and the fact that I was desperately horny for her by this point. But she was all take charge and unflinching, and even though I totally wasn't confident enough to actually go for tongue she made the decision for me. I'm prolly going to have to give it an 8.5 out of 10 (and it's only that low because I still can't stand the woman).

"There we are. Anything else?"

"Yeah." I am blushing and breathless, and stagger backwards. I need a moment.

She puts a hand on her hip, smirking.

"Just this," I say finally. I don't need the buttons, I realize. I don't need fancy, verbose commands. I know what it FEELS like now. And you know what? I love this! I love this feeling so fucking much, when the magic just -clicks- into place, like I've leveled in REAL LIFE. It's a new spell that I've just scribed into my little spell book, and I could do it over and over again if I wanted to. Just because I knew how it should FEEL!

With total confidence, I put my hands together at the wrists and blue fire erupts from them as I scream, "HADOUKEN!" You know, I probably didn't even need to say THAT much, but, who cares? That word is wicked fun to say!

"Son of a bi-IIIEEEE!" she cries as she flies backwards in the air. A glowing portal erupts from the ground beneath her. As she falls through it, her shriek becomes tinny and pathetic as she is hurtled back to the seventeenth twist, or wherever she had come from.

Maybe it was a dick move on my part. At least it wasn't permanent, right? She wouldn't be banished for all that long - a fact which she would soon discover, assuming she's not completely incompetent. But I can't afford to let her nose around, not until I know EXACTLY what happened. How much has been revealed to Don?

The first thing I did was pop back to my quarters in Nulltime and race from sphere to sphere checking on the stability of everything. I was especially careful about checking on the fate of my brother, but the outlooks were pretty decent (much better than a couple weeks ago). I had to tone it down after that when my only duster began following me around. He kept assuring me that the realm was fine, in between the usual questions about my nutrition and personal habits. I was eager to flee back to the Third Earth lair just to escape him. "One more thing," I tell him, hesitating on nullside just outside of the open portal. "I'm tracking the activities of an intruder from the 17th twist, a woman named Renet who accessed some whatchacallum... some keystone figures in one of my realms recently! Totally without permission, right? So, um. I'd like you to dig up everything you can find on her over the past two weeks of earth-time, okay? Load it all into one of the spheres, so I can view it in a bit. You think they'll grant me that, if we request it?"

"Sounds perfectly reasonable, my lord," he agrees, but he's still looking nervous. On the other hand, this dude always looks nervous. He is squeezing his fingers through his - I don't know what they are, exactly. His hair tentacles?

"Awesome!" I beam from ear to ear, reminding myself for the billionth time not to be prejudiced to people who were born with tentacles. "Well, get going! We've both got work to do." Then I leap through the portal without waiting for an answer.

On the other side of the portal it's all silence and stillness. I haven't started time back up just yet. There's always something a little bit creepy about time standing still when it's someplace like the lair, a place I know intimately.

I clap my hands together thoughtfully and eye my brothers before coming to stand before Donatello. "Alright, genius... WHERE are you hiding it?" I tilt my head and study him closely as I dare without touching him (touching him would drag him out of time). "You didn't really leave it stashed in the bathroom. You're too cautious for that. I know you've been keeping it on you, somewhere..." I've wracked my brain on how to find it without searching him.

On a whim, I close my eyes and picture a wand in my hand, all gnarled and wooden, Harry Potter-style. I feel the grain of the wood over some kind of finish. I feel the weight in my hand, just like Leo taught me. It's got the tail hairs of a centaur in it, I decide as a last minute touch, and then open my spirit sight to look... it's there! I point the wand at Don with a rush of confidence and whisper, "Lumos!"

A glow appears at the tip of my wand. Soon I see a second glow emanating from the upper lip of his plastron and spilling unnatural light over his neck. This must be it! This is the item I've been searching for, the one he has been using to visit her. Clever! Somehow it's fastened to the inside ridge of his topmost chest plates, dead center. Even now that I've found it, there is no way I can get at the item without touching him.

I can get closer, though, so I do. I let the wand disappear and bring my hand closer to Donatello's frozen chest. My fingertips begin to tingle, inherently sensing the presence of her foreign magic. Now that I've locked onto it, I can't see how I missed it!

I'm ready as I'll ever be and grab the threads of time, giving them a gentle tug to start them moving again. Everything speeds up around me. Leonardo was suspicious before all of this started, and already he's looking to me. He knows SOMETHING big just happened. The other two, Raph and Don, are focused on one another. "Mike," Leo begins, ready to call me out.

I leap forward and grab upper ridge of Don's plastron, sweeping my finger under it- THERE! He's fixed some kind of hook there, and attached to it is some kind of pendant. Without giving anyone enough reaction time to stop me, I unhook the pendant, channel my chi into it, and disappear.

Vertigo slams into me, but it doesn't last very long. That's because it turns out I didn't GO really far. She had made a little love nest here, tucked into a pocket of relatively stable nullspace directly overlaying the lair. I jerk my head this way and that, taking in the pink pillow pit, the little votive jars suspended in mid air spilling something that's probably not candlelight. The air here smells of sex and her cloying perfume. All the decor matches the pillows, cotton candy pink. My eyes have gone into pink overload, seriously. And the really interesting thing is, I recognize this place. It's an exact replica of Renet's old room. It's what MY room looked like, right before I took it over and did some major redecorating. Don must think that she's still in charge! That is just fine by me.

"Lord Titan!" my duster's wimpy voice fills the room. He materializes a moment later. "As to - as to your intruder you mentioned! I just pinpointed this nullspace as the primary location of her - of their - activity! But - I can see that you have found this out for yourself, my Lord! Excellent job!"

"Thanks, Quarchek!" I beam, even though it was mostly due to luck. I've been getting that a lot lately, to the point that I'm starting to take it in stride. Needless to say, I'm gonna roll with it and take full credit. "Yep! This is DEFINITELY the spot you need to focus on. Give me everything that happened here. Load whatever you find into the spheres in my quarters, okay? Oh, and take this tool of hers back with you and put it somewhere safe where I can study it later." Fake it 'till you make it, right? "And, uh. Yeah. And please make sure I'm not disturbed."

"Yes, my Lord," my duster agreed automatically. "Understood!" He disappeared from sight, obedient to a fault.

You don't, dude, I thought as I opened a portal back to my Nulltime quarters and stepped through. And it's a very good thing...

Maybe it should have been creepy because he's my brother. Maybe I'm sick in the head! But lemme just preface here and say that it had been a really long time, by that point, okay? And I managed to keep my cool, but then she had kissed me, and she had been half naked and doing Chun Li kicks before that, and so, yeah! When I got to the spheres I was pretty much ready to explode by that point. So, it was not creepy. It was FAN-FRIGGIN-TASTIC! Oh man, he was her personal JUNGLE GYM! They musta gone through at least half the kame sutra. Like, all the parts a turtle and a human chick could do! She was all bouncy boobs and squeaks and shouting exactly what she wanted from him. And what she wanted, apparently, was sloppy wet orgasms galore.

It was soooo easy to just fade Don out and picture myself there, you know? That shit was good for four, almost five, long overdue "happy endings". Plus there was a serious educational factor! I probably learned more about how a turtle can please a human woman in thirty minutes than I had in an ENTIRE LIFETIME! If I didn't think he'd kill me dead for watching him do this stuff in the first place, I would have totally thanked him! I would shake that turtle's hand.

I'm not going to kiss and tell about EVERYTHING because the guy is my brother, okay? But let me just say that Don has a gentlemanly behavior in the bedroom. Like down to a science. As in, for every time he got off? He made sure that she got off TWICE! It was like, pornography JACKPOT. The dry spell was over, friends. I was gonna have fantasies to spare, for the rest of the season!

It was one after the other, bam bam bam! The fourth took me a little more work. But that was fine, because time was still stopped back at the lair. I had no good reason to hurry. Honestly, it woulda been five, except that I had to stop cuz I started laughing too hard. Donatello's embarrassment and discomfort during our conversation earlier made so much more SENSE, because, what do you know? THERE HAD BEEN A BALL GAG! I don't know if it had been for her safety or just for fun or what, but oh my god! I couldn't stop thinking of his furious, mortified face earlier. It was too funny!

(Ahem. Did I say I wasn't going to kiss and tell? Well, okay, I'm really bad at that.)

Alright, Mike, I tell myself after just minimal clean-up. Back to business! Reality tears apart as I open a glowing blue portal leading back to the lair - and a pretty good one, if I must say so myself, considering how little chance I get to practice.

Once I'm back at the lair, I take a careful look around, making sure everyone is right where I left them. The only thing that's different is the cable box clock, which keeps flashing: LOL! LOL! LOL!

"Look, don't judge me for the three-knuckle shuffle in the middle of a mission, dude," I tell the cable box with a flash of annoyance. "It's all part of my Master Plan. And it's gonna WORK, too!"

DUH, the cable box flashes. Future Me is a real wise guy.

I grab the threads of time and yank hard. I'm not back in place with the shadow I've left behind of myself, cuz I've got no intention of jumping back into the timeline just yet. I remain in the pocket of nullspace where Renet had been standing earlier to enjoy the show.

Donatello's eyes widen. He grabs at the place where the pendant and feels nothing but an empty hook. Of course his grab is way too late to stop me. When I want to be, these days, I can be REALLY fast.

My other brothers are both staring at him, and at the space where I've just disappeared.

"What the fuck...?"

"Did he just...?"

Leo and Raph are both looking around and blinking. Donatello lowers his hands and says nothing in response to their half-formed questions. He looks completely dumbstruck.

I give them time to digest the fact that I'm gone. Then I invoke my awesome sense of comedic timing to reappear at exactly the right moment, trying for maximum awkwardness. POOF!

"Alright... well, that was fun." I grin ear to ear as all my brothers turn and stare at me in disbelief. I give my arms a leisurely stretch.

Don's still in shock. Leo looks like he might throw up. Raphael leans forward, just as I hoped he would, and immediately detects two very distinctive smells - my spunk and (thanks to that long, sloppy kiss) Renet's lingering perfume!

"UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!" he hollers, shoving me hard and throwing up his hands as he storms out of the room towards the garage.

"She wouldn't... I can't believe she...!" Don splutters, and finally explodes, "Are you still listening? Because I am DONE with you, you PSYCHOTIC LITTLE SLUT!" He storms up the stairs and towards his room, swearing venomously under his breath.

Leo doesn't add anything. He doesn't have to. He just gives me a long, hard look and then stalks off in a third direction, disappearing into the dojo.

"Hey... we gonna watch this movie or what?" I call after them, suppressing my urge to cackle. I head back towards the couch with the sort of swagger that only getting your rocks off four times in a row during mating season can achieve, flop down, and prop my feet up on the ottoman. "Oh well. It was a piece of crap, anyway."

Was I worried that Donatello would stay mad at me? Not really. He's tried before, and it's been proven impossible.

Eventually the high wears off, and what I wind up worrying about is the fact that my Master Plan has hurt him. And it will only get worse for him when Renet has no choice but to confirm his accusations. I wonder if he'll stew for awhile, or try to summon her immediately?

Whatever happens, I tell myself firmly, it will be for his own good.

I decide to worry about cleaning up my own memories later and just sit down to vedge with my X-Box. Plenty of time to forget everything later. Normally I'd do it right away for the sake of keeping things stable, but it wouldn't hurt to be a little "off" right now. I could get away with it, swagger around knowing deep down that I was the Turtle Fucking Titan! 3rd Timelord of the Multi-verse! They all thought I'd just gotten laid, for christ's sake! It might help sell the image! It sure was nice of Renet to leave me so much material to overlay into my own memories.

After today, I realized, even *I* won't remember that I'm actually still a virgin. I would re-learn the truth again, every time I stepped out of time. But... Yikes. For some reason it was still a spooky thought.

When Don ventures back downstairs later to find me, I am camped out on one of the bean bags and still playing video games. It's been easy as hell to act normal, because, well. Until right now, no one has wanted so much as to look at me.

I am glad to see him by this point, even if he clearly isn't glad to see me. He flops onto a nearby armchair restlessly. I continue to play, ignoring him, even though I can literally feel his glare drumming on the back of my head like a migraine.

There is a bowl of snacks set out beside me. It was the very best Don Bait I could find. Finally I glance over my shoulder and shift the controller to one hand long enough to scoot the bowl gently in his direction. "Pork rind?"

He ignores the offer and tears his gaze away. He glares at the TV screen in silence and watches me pound the crap out of Chun Li.

Finally I see him slide closer and dig into the bowl once to fish out a double-handful of pork rind. He stays on the floor beside me, crunching on them sullenly and refusing to speak.

"UGH," I finally complain with a super-dramatic sigh. "When did this game get so easy? Even in Insanity mode it's like, so boring that it's physically painful!"

Suddenly Donatello grabs the controller. My game interrupts and boots me back to the character selection screen. "A new challenger has entered the arena!" the game announces as it switches from one-player mode to two. "All right," he snarls, "prepare to be crushed!"

I flash him a grin that is cocky and huge with relief. It's obvious that we're gonna be just fine.