A/N: I know the characters may be a tad OCC, but it wouldn't really work if they weren't . Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own Percy Jackson, the Greek Olympians, or the song "12 Pains of Christmas." These all belong to their respective owners.
Twelve pains of Christmas - The Olympians
"This is ridicules…" Demeter, Greek goddess of agriculture, muttered. All day, she had been searching for one of her beloved pine trees to decorate the great hall for Christmas, yet currently there was a distinct lack of them about. Now she finished her winding way exactly where she had begun: Olympus' great foyer.
"Really, I created those trees and can I even find one? No." she fumed to herself, her cotton dress and light-brown hair waving slightly as she paced around.
"If you think your job's tough….you can have mine." Demeter looked up to find her brother balancing on a step-ladder near the roof, clad in baggy, old clothes.
"Zeus." she sighed. "What on earth are you doing?"
"Rigging up these….lights." came the irritated reply. As soon as butter-fingers, king of the gods, Zeus dropped the line of colourful little stars he was failing to set up, a younger, staggering man walked into the falling lights, then hit a doorpost.
"Hey, watch it…" he tried to snap nervously, but ended up slouched in a nearby chair.
"Dionysus, where are my trees?" Demeter barked at him.
"Give me back my lights!" Zeus interjected. Dionysus woozily complied, before crashing back into the seat.
The trio stopped arguing as a skittering of feet could be heard in the corridor, like startled horses. Hermes, god of messages and travellers flew in next, slipping under a mound of cards and envelopes.
"Whatever you're doing, it can't be worse than this!" he gasped. "I hate writing Christmas cards!" Setting the pile gently down on a table he had just conjured up out of thin air, the immortal turned to his family. "Any help?"
"If you've got a tree." was Demeter's offer.
"Hangover…." Dionysus moaned as an excuse. Zeus just glared from the top of his ladder.
"WHY haven't we paid these bills?" a tall, cold-looking woman demanded from a doorway behind the scribbling Hermes. He, Dionysus and Demeter took one quick glance before retuning to their jobs with renewed vigour; or in Dionysus' case, sleeping.
"Listen, Hera dear I …..whoa!" Zeus tailed off into a yowl, due to the fact that the bottom of his ladder had learnt to fly, following the detail that it had just slipped on a jolly little Christmas card Hermes had dropped on his way past. Zeus now settled his fuming eyes on the ceiling, then on Hera, who now berated him for being so clumsy, and the other three, who were roaring in laughter.
Suddenly an auburn-haired girl flashed into being behind the sofa on which Demeter now resided. Taking a look around the huge hall, her eyes locked onto Hera. Uttering a piercing scream of hate, the seemingly 12-year-old goddess dropped behind the furniture.
"Artemis, what are you playing at?" Demeter hissed over her shoulder, eyes still roving for the invisible tree.
"Step-mother…In-law…..I can't face her for a whole evening!" Artemis groaned in protest. Normally, she was fairly mature and aloof, but everyone has their breaking point.
"At least she didn't make you write the Christmas cards …" Hermes whispered from across the vast area.
"QUIET! I'm trying to put up these lights!" Zeus screeched from his precarious position, dropping another bulb on Hera's head, who stood below him. Artemis grinned in cruel pleasure when she spotted that.
"More Salvation Army." Athena, blond goddess of wisdom, sang as she abandoned yet another pleading letter into Dionysus' slumped over lap.
"Donations….that's all we need." Hera rolled her eyes. "And they're asking on Christmas eve."
"Give them wine." suggested Dionysus from his stupefied slumber.
"Tell them to grow some more trees." Demeter put in from the sofa, with Athena lounging beside her and Artemis cursing silently at Hera in her ear.
"Make them…." Hermes began.
"What! Where are the extension cords!" Zeus gave a dangerous wobble, holding up the brightly coloured strings as he howled in outrage.
"Well, you can buy some while you get me a new DS." Artemis' twin brother, Apollo, stalked in. His golden hair was slightly tousled and his azure eyes slitted. "You promised."
"And he insists he's older." Artemis snorted derisively into Athena's ear.
"At least he's not a charity." she returned, glaring at the beseeching invoice she clutched in her palm. Did these people know how much work she had already out into humanity?
"Tell him to make out these stupid things." Hermes threw a largish card, aiming for Apollo, but catching - and smashing - Zeus' lights. The aforementioned watched in frozen horror as every tiny bulb in the line slowly winked out, leaving him in a state of near-breakdown. There was an audible thud on earth when Zeus' head hit the wall.
"I can't believe the disgraceful facilities here you guys have; I mean, no parking?" A grumpy god of the sea forced his way through the front doors, almost falling straight over Apollo.
"Did you bring me anything?" Apollo interrogated Poseidon the instant he arrived.
"No, he didn't." Hera put in snidely, looking up from counting her money. Before Apollo could retort, a voice from above beat him to it.
"She's a witch, I hate her!" Artemis announced to the now-crowded room. From behind the sofa, she had bounded up the wall and was now calmly sitting on the decorative chandelier. Hera stared speechlessly for a few moments, especially when Dionysus added his approval.
"Now…" Hera never got past her first word, for Aphrodite, aka Drama Queen of Olympus, skidded in.
"Batteries aren't included!" she wailed, waving a shiny-new, bright pink set of hair curlers. Artemis' smile widened, while her brother just complained that if she got something why didn't he.
"You want pink curlers, Apollo?" Athena and Demeter glanced at each other in mild surprise.
"Then get a tree with them…" Demeter remarked sullenly.
"I need Hephaestus now; tell him to make some batteries!" Aphrodite ordered Poseidon, who was still arguing with thin air about the state of the parking.
"Here, you can write his Christmas cards." Hermes laid the sarcasm think, handing her a stripy-black card, which she threw at his head and flounced off.
"TV specials!" Ares sprinted into the hall, earning a kick in the cranium from Artemis as he passed, before throwing himself onto the green sofa between Demeter (who was searching "trees" on a laptop) and Athena (who's eyes were drilling holes in the still moaning Hera) not to mention Apollo. He currently thought composing a poem might help him get what he wanted.
"Quiet Ares, or would you prefer to live on cereal for the rest of your eternity?" Demeter snarled at him as he waved for a TV to be brought in.
"I don't even know half these people. Who the Hades is Jill Watson?" Hermes drawled in anguish from his position at the table.
Athena looked at him.
"Your demigod daughter?" she spoke with derision. He would have answers, if a lightning bolt hadn't beat him to it.
The bolt zipped out of Zeus' fingertips into the Christmas light cord, the other gods watching in dismay. Pure power sailed through the now-melting cable which touched a plug socket and conducted through to the main grid. In turn, every single piece of electrical equipment on Olympus blew.
"Err…I think something exploded." Zeus serenely took out the spare set and began again. Hera sighed.
"At this rate we won't be able to afford the bill." as she spoke she rifled through the multiple bits of paper in front of her, but the lights had blown too, meaning she couldn't see.
"Hera, I don't like you,
Can I have my presents now?
Artemis is younger."
Apollo beamed as he spread his power to illuminate the room. The others just covered their ears.
"Get it right: I'm older, and at least I can count." Artemis glowered at him from her perch on high.
Preceding the upcoming full-on argument, the jolly, unmistakable strains of "Jingle bells" could be heard echoing down the corridor.
Instantly following that, Hephaestus marched into view, his big voice creating the resounding racket. In tow, there were Aphrodite and the posideian demigod Percy Jackson. Aphrodite must have found some extra cable, because she was trailing an enormous stretch of wire, while trying to curl an irked Percy's hair with her curlers. As Percy escaped, he ran directly into Apollo, who, forgetting about everything else, had gone to join the carollers.
"Sorry, cuz." he muttered as he left with the quarrelsome Aphrodite and singing Hephaestus.
From there, Percy rolled head-over-heels, ending his tumble at the edge of the sofa.
"Oh, it's you." Athens remarked disgustedly, forcefully handing him her letters. "You can deal with these."
"And I'm borrowing your pine tree." Demeter smirked in triumph as she and Athena vanished. Percy had to hide his eyes and flip round, leaving him facing his father and Ares.
"Leave it punk. Ten minutes." Ares couldn't get the TV to work, so he flashed outside for a spot of battle practice.
"Please, dad…." Percy pronounced eloquently.
"Sorry Percy, I have to go. Err….divine obligations." Poseidon glanced at his sea-shell watch as he spoke. His parking ticket would be out in the nest fire seconds. Pushing past the breathless demigod, he made his way out.
"I can't believe I have to spend my Christmas with her." Artemis had dropped down from the light fittings and was now snarling in a terrified Percy's ear. He tried to step away from the goddess, but ended up crashing into Hera, who turned on them both.
"You irresponsible little brats! What on Olympus are you aiming for, obliteration?"
"You'll have about as much luck with that as you did with my mother."
Artemis yelled over her shoulder as she took off. Face glowing red as a pepper with rage, Hera followed her. Percy took a lunge backwards to get out of the way, but unintentionally kicked the legs out from under Hermes' table. The usually amicable god now threw his hands in the air, along with a few letters.
"That's it, I'm not sending them this year." he shrieked before storming out down the corridor.
"S-sorry…" Percy whispered to himself, backing away from the crime scene.
Turning around, he spied the Lord of the sky, still tiring to rig those lights. Ah-ha, Percy thought, I can see the problem here.
"Lord Zeus, maybe if you just…"
"Fine, if you're so smart, YOU rig up the lights!" Zeus leaped down from his ladder, dumped the strings of lights over poor Percy's head and left, ozone flickering around his limbs.
Percy groaned. Chiron's messages would never get though now….
Well, what did you think? First story, so CC and general reviews are to be appreciated.
Thanks for reading!