Dedication: To Sheilalein, my wonderful, wonderful beta. Beg her to beta for you, because she's that good. Seriously. And to my boyfriend, the one person who is always there for me, exactly the way I need him to be, and the one person that doesn't want me to be anything other than me. And who is otherwise pretty awesome.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Author's Note: Set after Subway Wars (Season Six, Episode Four). The story is finished, and has five chapters total. I'll post a new one every Friday (Eastern Standard Time)!

Elaborate Lies, Chapter 1

It would be Barney Stinson's karmic fate in life that his daughter would be insanely attractive. Not in the cute girl next door kind of way, or in the sexy 'I never get this drunk' Girls Gone Wild way, but in the way that made men around her bite their knuckles, dry hump the air while whipping an air lasso around their heads, then coyly excuse themselves to go to the bathroom. Barney thought nothing of it except "awesome" until one night, while sitting with her at dinner, he saw a man sitting at the bar (in a suit) openly taking pictures of her with his camera phone and winking at her when she looked up to stare him down. It was at this moment that Barney looked up at the ceiling with a heavy sigh, marveling with respectful disdain at the universe's special brand of revenge.

He had punched the man without thinking, yelped in terror after realizing what he had done, then grabbed his daughter's hand and pulled her as fast as he could out of the restaurant, waiters and valets chasing after them as he had not paid the check. But that's a different story.

Anyways, it was happening again as she walked through the door at MacLaren's. The bartender dropped the drink he had been making: three men sitting the bar stopped mid conversation to stare: a man walked away from his cute date to awkwardly approach her, stammering. Barney laughed at loud as he watched her smile at him and introduce herself, taking special care to flash her engagement ring as she shook his hand. The man turned away towards the bar, dejected, giving her an opening to walk over to the booth.

"Hey Niece Ted!" Ted called out from his spot on the bench, standing up to give her a bear hug while mussing her blond hair slightly in the process.

"Hey Uncle Ted. That joke never seems to get old, does it?" Teddy responded sarcastically when released from his vice grip, and turned to Robin, who was seated next to Barney. "I have to confess, I am kind of hoping that you called me down here to tell me exactly how I got named after Uncle Ted."

Robin cocked her head at Teddy, feigning confusion. "Haven't I ever told you that story? Huh. I could have sworn..."

Teddy groaned. "You've told me the version where Uncle Ted killed a hundred ninjas that had kidnapped me when I was a baby and returned me to you on a unicorn, and so you named me after him. There was also a version where Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily had been babysitting me and Uncle Ted, who happened to be visiting them at the time, saved me some ninjas that had broken into the apartment, and so you named me after him. Then there was one memorable version told to me on prom night in which Uncle Ted falls madly in love with a ninja, but waits until he was older to spend the night with her, and so you named me after him."

Marshall frowned over his drink. "Those were cautionary tales on the dangers that ninjas present to society. I think at the age of twenty-four that it's important that you know these things."

Teddy glared at them all judgmentally. "I think that tonight might be a good night for it. The version that does not include any ninjas."

"Now you know the rules," Barney interjected. "You can never actively ask for the naming story. It must be bestowed upon you as a rite of passage. And I don't believe that you have done anything to warrant the bestowing of the story upon you." Teddy flashed her engagement ring at him facetiously, but Barney waved it off. "Nothing important."

"Oh, look at this beautiful bride!" Lily gushed, standing up to give her a hug. "Have you been drinking lots of water today? Because you want to be really hydrated tomorrow so that you don't have to..."

"Already covered, Aunt Lily," Teddy responded, pulling a bottle of water out of her purse.

"Good, because bridesmaids can only hold up your dress so many times before being the bride isn't a good enough excuse for them to do it. And then boy, are you in trouble."

Teddy laughed as she sat down across the booth from Barney and Robin. "Mom actually gave me that tip. She said it worked really for her at her wedding."

Silence settled over the table. Barney and Robin exchanged a significant glance, and Lily glared angrily at the both of them. Ted bit his lip to keep from laughing. Teddy's brow furrowed and she looked through slanted eyes at her parents. "Alright, so what is the real reason that you invited me down to your old bar the night before my wedding?"

Lily, still staring at Barney and Robin, said callously, "Your parents have something that they need to tell you. Something that they should have told you years and years ago, but never did because they were chickens."

Teddy's eyes widened. "What, is one of you guys sick? Is there something wrong?"

Barney sighed, exasperated. "No, no, no, nothing like that," he said, and then groaned. "How important can it be, really? I mean you've gone your whole life without knowing and you turned out just fine. I don't think it's worth bothering you with it on your last night as a single woman."

"Yeah, I mean, it's not going to make that big of difference in your life," Robin added with a shrug.

Lily cleared her throat. "Teddy, why did you pick the Hywet Ballroom for your wedding?"

"Because that's where you guys got married," she responded, beaming at Barney and Robin. "I thought it would be a nice tribute."

Barney and Robin stirred their drinks, staring at the table. Teddy blinked a couple of times. "You did get married at the Hywet Ballroom, right?"

"Not...exactly," Robin responded after a minute of silence.

"Not even close," Lily growled.

Barney sighed. "We may not even be...officially married." Then his brow furrowed, and turned to Robin. "I guess we are now, right, because of the co-habitating thing. Are we common law married, or do we have a civil union? I always get those mixed up."

Robin waved her hands dismissively. "I don't know. I let the tax guy figure that out for me."

Teddy breathed in and out, laying her palms flat on the table. "This might have been a conversation we wanted to have long before the night before my wedding."

"Oh sweetie, we are sorry," said Robin. "It's just...one night when you were little you put on a play wedding dress and pretended that you were getting married to your big stuffed bear, and...it was really sweet. And when you started asking about our wedding we couldn't break your heart and tell you that we had never had one, so we...lied."

Teddy stared at them, slack jawed. "But...you showed me pictures. You gave me advice...you gave me your wedding dress to wear!"

"Yeah, it got kind of...elaborate...over the years," Barney said sheepishly, stealing a look that seemed reminiscent of longing from Robin.

"Oh, my God. My entire upbringing has been a lie," Teddy moaned. "I think I need a drink."

"Now, not quite. Parts of it were true," Barney interjected. "Well...not far off," he added thoughtfully.

"Yeah, the Hywet Ballroom is still...important," Robin added with a shrug, exchanging glances with Barney. He shrugged in way of a vague confirmation.

Marshall's eyes lit up. "Awe, it totally was!" Everyone turned to stare at him quizzically. "It was romantic, Okay? Forgive me if I don't have a heart of stone like these two. And we all know it, I was just saying it."

"Yeah, very effeminately," Barney said with a snort.

"Well, if you didn't get married there, then why is it important?" Teddy asked, eyes wide.

Barney and Robin exchanged glances, then Barney casually slung his arm over the back of the booth, picked up his scotch and, with a swirl, shot her a dashing half smile. "I'm glad you asked," he began confidently. Robin rolled her eyes, and the others exchanged grins.

"Ok, so I have an organic turkey basting in the oven, homemade stuffing on the stove, cranberry sauce is done, the yams just need some marshmallows on the top, and the pumpkin pies are safe in the refrigerator. Is there anything I'm forgetting?" Lily said urgently, trying to retie her apron with her oven mitts still on.

Robin, rushing behind Lily to grab her apron ties, shook her head. "Only your sanity. God, it's like you shared a jail cell with Martha Stewart."

"Yeah, I guess I went a little overboard," Lily said thoughtfully, surveying the war zone that her kitchen had become. "I was happy that we didn't have to go to St. Cloud this year and eat only mayonnaise for a week, and disappointed that the rampant sex Marshall and I've been having still hasn't knocked me up. Hence, the epic Thanksgiving feast."

Robin quickly finished tying Lily's apron, and took a deep, steadying breath. "Look, Lily, there's..."

"Oh, my God, the gravy!" Lily shouted, running over to the now smoking pan on the oven. "Whew, just in time. Good thing Marshall destroyed the fire alarms, because otherwise they don't turn off when something activates them."

Robin sighed, and wrung her hands together, following Lily to the oven, opening her mouth as if to speak again. Her eyes drifted over to Lily's bag and the large black object jutting out from it, and her mouth dropped open in shock. "Jesus, what is that?" she cried, pointing at the bag.

Lily's eyes went wide and she gasped, tucking the object deeper into her purse and zipping it shut. "That was just, you know, a big candle for tonight..."

"Lily, if that is going on our Thanksgiving table, our friendship will be over," Robin stated sternly, mouth still agape.

"OK, fine. When I told my doctor that Marshall and I still weren't pregnant, she said to try making a baby fun, to spice it up...that way it doesn't become a chore. So I bought something to...make it fun."

"That's a hell of a lot of fun," Robin replied. "I mean...wowza. Marshall might be a little jealous."

Lily snickered. "Believe me, Marshall's got nothing to be jealous of."

Robin held her hand up for a high five, smiling appreciatively. "Nice."

"Hell yeah," Lily said slapping Robin's hand firmly. "So was there something that you wanted to..."

"We're back! With liquor!" Marshall's voice called from the doorway, and Ted, Marshall, and Barney all tumbled inside with various types of alcohol in bags. "We had to walk to the liquor store from here because the roads are packed, but we got wine, we got scotch, we got more microbrews than you could count..."

Barney pushed past the other two men, carrying all three cases of beer. With a groan, he set them down on the table.

"Barney, are you alright?" Lily asked as Barney leaned over a nearby chair for support.

"I'm awesome," he wheezed.

Ted gave him a hearty pat on the back. "We bet him that he couldn't get all the way back here with all of the beer," he explained with a shrug.

"And look who passed with flying colors," Barney gasped at Ted. "Awesomely-in-shape high five!" Ted waited, but Barney continued to lean against the chair. "In like, five minutes," Barney finally said with a groan.

The door opened again, and another woman stepped in. "Whew, is it busy out there!" she said brightly, before stepping over to kiss Ted. "Sorry if I'm late, everyone,"

"You're not late, you start the party," Ted grinned, leaning in for the kiss.

The kiss lasted for thirty seconds longer than it should, and Barney made a buzzer noise. "Alright, Ted, if you and Zoey are going to neck the entire night, just go back to your own apartment. This holiday is about giving thanks for the good things in life, not about monogamy."

"Still waiting on that high five, Barney," Ted said, face still inches away from Zoey's.

"Like I'd give you a high five now," Barney said, sitting up and straightening his suit.

The boys started to place the alcohol in the designated coolers, and Zoey approached Robin and Lily with a small gift bag, ushering them back into the kitchen. "So I got this for Marshall," Zoey said, opening up the gift bag to allow the other two girls to peer in. "To thank him for the free legal advice about the rights for that new historic property we are trying to acquire."

"A Mr. Potato Head Chewbacca?" Robin said incredulously.

"Oh, he'll go crazy over this," Lily said with a smile. "And normally this is the type of stuff I won't let him keep in the house, but...this one is really cute."

"Oh, good," Zoey said, "I wanted to get it pre-approved by you."

"Have him open it before dinner, though. He likes turkey and tends to be semi-conscious after," Lily advised.

"Yeah, he still doesn't know that one Viking's lamp is missing, does he?" Robin asked.

Lily stared at her blankly. "What lamp?" she asked innocently. Zoey laughed with them for a moment before excusing herself to the bathroom.

Robin held Lily back in the kitchen. "Look, Lily, I've got to tell you something, kind of serious."

Lily's brow furrowed with concern. "Are you alright?" Her eyes suddenly widened, and she suddenly pointed at Robin vehemently. "You relapsed with Barney, didn't you," she whispered viciously.

"How did you know that?" Robin hissed.

"Because exactly six weeks ago Barney was being completely awkward at the bar, which he's only done the one other time you and he slept together, and now you have that look of guilt and shock that I've seen on many a woman's face running away from his apartment." Lily shook her head disapprovingly. "How did this happen?"

"I don't know. One minute, we were drinking together at MacLaren's, the next I was pulling him into my room by the tie with my shirt off. He's got ways, Lily! Hypnotizing eyes and moves that I have never seen him pull before. You would have slept with him, too," Robin nearly shouted, throwing her hands up. "But now I'm pretty sure that I'm..."

"BOOYAH!" Ted hailed from the living room, waving the Wii remote around. "In everyone's face!"

"Please, Ted, you bowl like Madeline Albright," Barney scoffed as he took his turn in front of the television.

"How do you know how Madeline Albright bowls?" Ted asked.

"Please, Ted," Barney said, rolling his eyes.

Zoey took that moment to bound back into the kitchen to help with the food, and Lily's interests turned back to turkey and stuffing. She handed a wooden spoon to a dejected and, if anyone had been looking closely enough, terrified-looking Robin and pushed her in front of the gravy.

Marshall then took a turn in the bathroom.

"Okay, this seems irrelevant. Uncle Marshall?" Teddy called.

Marshall shook his head. "Overruled. Knowing that I was in the bathroom at this point in the story is crucial."

"So far this has nothing to do with the Hywet Ballroom," Teddy observed. "And frankly, it's a little more information than I would like to know."

"Oh, we won't get to the Hywet for a while," Barney said with the wave of his scotch glass. "But trust me, this is all important. Now where was I...oh yeah, Marshall had just gone to the bathroom..."

"Ted!" Marshall whispered excitedly as he slipped out of the bathroom. He ran over and sat next to Ted on the couch, concealing something in his hand. As Barney continued to play Wii bowling and the girls fussed around the kitchen, Marshall whispered, "You'll never guess what I found in the garbage in my bathroom."

"I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what you found in the garbage in your bathroom," Ted hissed back. Undeterred, Marshall secretively produced the object, which turned out to be a pregnancy test. Ted winced. "Ugh, Marshall, Lily's peed on that."

Marshall rolled his eyes. "Ted. One line for negative, two lines for positive. Look at it. Two lines. Two clear, unambiguous lines."

Ted's eyes widened. "A positive test?" He smiled widely and clapped Marshall on the back, pulling him into a tight hug. "Dude. Congratulations, buddy. This is amazing! You're going to be a dad! And I finally get to be Uncle Ted, the weird, middle aged, single guy that's a car ride away from getting a shack in the woods and starting a radio show about alien abductions. This is awesome!"

Marshall pulled away and clapped Ted on the shoulder. "Well, I mean, I was going to tell him or her about alien abductions anyways, so really you're just helping me out." Marshall then beamed wider than he ever had before. "This is so awesome. I mean, to think that all of that wild, uninhibited sex..."

"What's that, now?" Barney chimed in, but Marshall ignored him.

"...finally lead to this one beautiful moment...Ted, I'm going to be a dad." Marshall choked out. Ted leaned over to give him another friendly hug as Marshall sniffled happily. "But why wouldn't Lily tell me right away?" he asked suddenly, pulling away.

"Maybe she wants to announce it at dinner, and surprise you," Ted said with a shrug.

"Maybe...just seems weird, since she's been taking all of her tests when I'm around so we both know right away," Marshall said thoughtfully. "But it really would be an awesome family dinner announcement." Marshall beamed widely. "A beyond awesome family dinner announcement. Maybe I should call my dad."

"Okay, when you two are done crying about Brad and Jen breaking up, you want to find your testicles and play some Wii tennis against me?" Barney shot at them crassly as he idly swung the Wii remote. "I want to win back my fifty dollars from the Labor Day cook-out."

Marshall stood and gave Barney a bear hug. Barney's brow furrowed in confusion. "I don't feel bad that I lost fifty dollars, Marshall, I just feel...an intense need to win it back." he said uncertainly. Marshall continued to hug him. "But thanks."

A few minutes later the table was set and everyone was sitting down to more turkey, stuffing, and slightly burnt gravy than they all could possibly eat. Marshall kept exchanging excited glances with Lily as they all settled into their chairs before suddenly throwing his hands up. "Oh, come on Lily, you know you have an announcement to make."

Lily cocked her head quizzically. "You mean, you want me to say grace? Because I thought we agreed that since we weren't going to St. Cloud we didn't have to..."

Marshall sighed, exasperated. "No, no, about the other thing. The thing we been trying at for a few months now?" Lily shook her head at him, clueless. Marshall rolled his eyes. "I found that...thing...of yours. The long, rounded...positive thing? That you can pee on? That means big things? Especially for our home life?"

Lily's eyes widened and her mouth opened to a perfect 'O' shape. She exchanged a horrified look with Robin, who bit her lip to keep from snickering. "That's not something we should talk about over Thanksgiving dinner, sweetie," she said sternly.

"It absolutely is! It's going to be great for us! Don't you want to share it with our friends?"

Lily gasped. "Marshall Erikson, I absolutely will not."

"But it's so...big! Come on, Lily. Just tell them."

"Marshall!" Lily hissed. "Okay, let's have a more private conversation." She dragged him into the kitchen and stared him down with crossed arms as he looked at her with almost pure joy. "Why do you feel like you need to suddenly share our private sex life with our closest friends? It's not like this baby thing isn't making sex the most prominent thing in our lives - let's go tell everyone we know that I bought a big, vein-y dildo. And you know what, let's offer to share it with our friends! Because that's what friends do."

"A dildo? That's...that's not what I'm talking about at all! I would never tell everyone about that kind of stuff. Unless it's to outdo Barney, which we agreed is the exception to that rule." He pulled out the pregnancy test that he had been carrying in his pocket. "I'm talking about this. We're finally pregnant!" Lily stared at the test with a look of shock. "Well...aren't we?" he asked pleadingly.

"Marshall...sweetie...this isn't my test," Lily said slowly. "This isn't the brand that I've been buying." Marshall's face fell instantly, and his head dropped between his shoulders as he sighed deeply. Lily smoothed her hands over his shoulders in sympathy while also staring at object in his hands. "I'm so sorry, baby. I would have been excited, too."

"I just thought you were going to surprise me with the news," Marshall said sadly. "We've been at this for four months, and I just, I don't know...I was really looking for it to be good news."

"I know, sweetie. But that's why I love you. Because this is hard, and you always manage to keep finding the bright side. I sure wouldn't have made it this far without you." Lily gave him a soft smile, and kissed him softly. "But I promise you, this isn't mine. Which means..."

Marshall looked up at Lily, realization dawning on his face. "It's someone else's."

Lily's eyes widened and her hand flew over her mouth. "Oh my God...I am the worst friend ever!" Her hand moved over her heart as she breathed deeply. "I should be hog tied and keel hauled, I should be shot, I should be..."

"Whoa, baby calm down," Marshall said softly, then his eyes lit up. "Hey, didn't Zoey go to the bathroom right after she got here? Oh my God." he said with a gasp, shaking Lily's shoulders. "Ted," he hissed as he ran into the dining room awkwardly.

"No, Marshall, wait, it's not..."

But Marshall was already kneeling beside Ted at the dinner table. "So that thing that we found...it's not Lily's," he whispered, looking pointedly at Zoey.

Ted gasped at Zoey, who was picking at her stuffing anxiously. "You're pregnant?" he shouted incredulously.

Zoey laughed heartily. "Ted, that's absurd and you know it. I just had my period last week! And you wouldn't have sex with me the week before because of that... thing that I told you about me."

"Oh, this is getting good," Barney said with a sinister smile. Robin looked over at him, lips pursed in panic.

"Look, I don't care...that much...that you have a thing for well muscled, hairless men on Hercules the Legendary Journeys, but I do care about this. You should have told me about this, not left it as something it for Marshall to find and whisper to me about at dinner!"

"Ted, stop," Lily shouted, eyes glancing quickly over at Robin.

Zoey opened her mouth as if to speak, then shut it, shaking her head. "Oh, are you talking about..." she said finally, and held Marshall's gift open for Ted's inspection. "I don't see what a Mr. Potato Head Chewbacca has to do with me being pregnant, or how Marshall found out about it, or why you would be upset that Marshall would tell you about it, or what it has to do with me being pregnant, but if you want one I can get one for you too..."

Marshall took the gift and opened it quickly. "Awesome!" he said with a half smile.

Ted sighed and grabbed the pregnancy test out of his hand to display it to her. "I'm talking about this. Not about any Mr. Potato Head Chewbacca. Although, that is pretty..."

Zoey interrupted him. "That test isn't mine, Ted. I promise you."

"Oh, Jesus Christ, it's mine," Robin shouted. Five pairs of eyes turned to look at her in shock, and she pursed her lips, slamming her fork down angrily. "Yep, my job is being taken over by the devil spawn sunshine queen, the only man I've ever let into my life left me for my dream job, and now I'm pregnant, which, by the way, is utterly terrifying, and the father is the only person on this earth who hates commitment more than me." She sat back in her chair with a heavy, anxious sigh. "I don't think I have to tell you how much I am not loving my life."

Barney stared at her. His eye twitched. And with the flip of his suit, he ran haphazardly to the bathroom.

"Alright, so let's recap," Teddy said as the cocktail waitress placed two glasses of scotch in front of her. "You're not married. I was the product of drunken relapse sex..."

"Conceived in this very establishment," Barney supplemented. "Or maybe upstairs in your mother and Uncle Ted's apartment later on that night." He held his hand up for Robin, who, after a moment's hesitation, slapped it soundly.

Teddy, who was used to this kind of crass behavior, continued, swirling her drink, "...when Mom found out she was pregnant, she put it on the list of terrible things that happened to her that year, and when Mom announced that she was pregnant, you ran and locked yourself in the bathroom." Teddy took a long swig of her drink. "No, you're right. This isn't far off, at all."