Four Times Kurt Hummel Considered Taking The Easy Way Out (and Zero Times It Ever Worked).

AN: I know this is really depressing. But with the recent suicides in my mind, I really couldn't write anything else. Please review.

lay your weary head to rest
don't you cry no more

i.

"What are you doing?"

Kurt looked up, face paling. He shoved the notebook back into his bag, forcing a smile. "Nothing, Britt."

The blonde cheerleader sat next to him in the empty library (why she was there, he'd never know), taking his hand in hers. "Were you writing a poem for English class?"

Kurt shook his head. "Not…quite."

Brittany frowned, and before Kurt could react, she grabbed the journal from his rucksack, flipping it open. He tried to steal it back, but she was stronger than he was and studied the page carefully as he struggled to overtake her.

"Where are you going? Why are you leaving us? Can Santana and I come with you?" Brittany asked, handing the notebook back to Kurt. He looked down, hands trembling slightly.

"Um…nowhere Britt. I was just…practicing…"

Her blue eyes looked confused, then sad, and she whispered, "Don't leave me. Ever. Not like Ashley."

Kurt tilted his head slightly. "Who's Ashley?"

Brittany looked down sadly. "She was my older sister. Mom says she wanted to go to heaven quicker, so she could sing with the angels. She was a better singer than all of us, even me. She always sang me to sleep. Mom says she's happier now, but…"

Kurt leaned in, eyes tearing up. Brittany hugged her waist, rocking a little in her seat. "But…I really miss her. I thought she was happy with me and mom and Grandma Leigh and Mr. Sprinkles. We loved her, but she left us anyways."

Kurt was actually crying now, and Brittany's eyes were glistening. She turned to him, placing her hands on his shoulders. "So don't leave me, okay? Never, ever. You promise?"

Kurt held out his pinky. Brittany looped her own around it, smiling. "I pinky-promise to never, ever leave you, Brittany. Okay?"

"Good." She leaned in and kissed his lips chastely, then stood and grabbed her things. "Let's go get facials this weekend. I know how happy they make you."

ii.

The wind battered Kurt something fierce as he balanced on the edge of the school's rooftop. The ground was three floors down, but the right angle and luck would do the trick nicely. And the dramatic flair didn't hurt, either.

"Don't even think about it." Kurt fell backwards, landing at the feet of Quinn Fabray quite unceremoniously.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Kurt replied, standing up and brushing off his jeans.

Quinn scowled. "Don't give me that. You were going to jump and we both know it."

His face remained calm, but his mind certainly wasn't. It sounded so…drastic when Quinn said it like that. He just wanted to sleep. He needed to sleep.

He made to say something, but the pretty girl cut him off. "No. Don't deny it. You listen here, Kurt. I know you don't believe in God, so it won't do me any good to tell you that suicide is a sin, but I can tell you this: it's pretty fucking selfish of you to just end everything. Sure, you won't have to face temporary harassment anymore, but what about us? Your friends? Do you know what this would do to Mercedes? Your father? You worship your dad, right? So isn't taking your own life – the life that he gave you – sort of a sin against him?"

Kurt's lip trembled, and he looked away from those pretty, angry eyes. "It's my life."

Quinn crossed her arms. "And you're his. Kill yourself, and you're killing your dad, too."

The thin boy smiled sadly. "When did you get so smart?"

She took his hand in hers, resting her head against his cheek. "Like you've said before, I'm not a dumb blonde, Kurt. You have people who love you. Don't put them through this."

He kissed her hair and let her lead him away from the edge, wondering how many people would stop him before he succeeded.

iii.

Kurt had everything planned out. He had all the pills he needed, a nice glass of water to down them with, and a tidy note bidding the world farewell. This was it. He was finally going to sleep again. Maybe he'd even see him mom.

He popped the first pill in his mouth when the door above slammed open. Finn (stupid, stupid Finn) ran down the stairs, grabbing Kurt's face. Like one would do with a small child or pet dog, he squeezed Kurt's jaw until the boy spit out the pill, coughing and sputtering.

"What is your problem?" Kurt screeched, pushing Finn back. The taller boy didn't move, but pulled Kurt up so he was standing in front of him, away from the other pills.

"You're trying to kill yourself! I'm stopping you!" Finn pushed him over to the bed, sitting him down forcefully. "Brittany told me about the note she saw you write. She said she made you pinky-promise to never leave her. Quinn overheard and told me about the incident on the roof. And today Mercedes said you cleared out your locker. You can't kill yourself Kurt."

Kurt looked down, an odd sense of déjà vu and fatigue sweeping over him. "Who's stopping me? You? Why do you even care?"

Finn looked legitimately hurt. "Why do I care? WHY DO I CARE? I care because you're my brother! Because you're my friend! Because if you kill yourself, our broken little family will be destroyed. Could you do that to your dad? To my mom? To me?"

Kurt threw his hands into the air. "Why does this have to be about you? Why can't I just be selfish for once? Why can't I just sleep?"

Finn pulled him into a hug, holding him tightly against his chest. "Because we love you. Because you're sick and we can help you. We'll get you meds and we'll get you help and I'll take extra shifts at Sheets N' Things so we can pay for you to transfer to Dalton like I know you want to and everything will be okay. It'll get better, I promise! Just…don't leave us."

Kurt felt tears run down his nose. Finn was willing to help him transfer to his dream school? Finn cared about him?

But all of that would just burden his family. He would make things easy for them. He would go quietly, without a word. Make sure his body would never be found. Make it look like running away or something. Let them go on with their lives and forget about Kurt Hummel.

"I…I won't…um…I'm tired…I'll see you in the morning?"

Finn looked suspicious, but left his brother alone. As soon as Kurt was certain Finn had gone to bed, he dashed across the room, grabbed the pills and the note, shoved them in a bag and ran from the house. He knew the perfect spot.

Finn was on the phone before Kurt made it across the street.

iv.

Kurt sat on the cold bridge, panting slightly, setting the bad by his side. He would position himself so his body would drop into the river below once the pills kicked in, and never be seen again. It was a foolproof plan.

Of course, a boy by the name of Finn Hudson had a way of foiling foolproof plans. Kurt pulled out a bottle and unscrewed it, pouring out a handful of the little white disks.

"If those aren't Smarties, I wouldn't eat them." Kurt jumped, turning to see Blaine standing behind him. He looked an utter mess – his hair was messy, his shoes mismatching, and a tattered jacket covered his pajamas. He took a seat next to the slender boy, knocking the pills from his hand.

"Are you going to call me a selfish brat too? Tell me I should live for everyone else? 'Cause if you are, just leave now." Kurt stared moodily out across the water, anger rising in his chest.

"No."

Kurt looked at Blaine, astonished. "What?"

The older boy shrugged sadly. "No, I'm not going to tell you to live for everyone who loves you."

Kurt sighed, feeling weirdly unnerved by Blaine's answer. The other boy continued speaking.

"I'm going to tell you to live for yourself. Suicide isn't something you can reverse. It's permanent. And I think that you're making a mistake. Kurt, you're smart and talented and you'll be something great one day. Don't throw away the happiness you'll one day experience because you're hurting right now. It gets better. I swear on my life, it gets better."

Kurt looked up into a pair of beautiful dark eyes, and for the first time in a long time, his heart felt unburdened and at peace. Blaine brushed back a tear on the smaller boy's cheek, then pecked his lips gently, grabbing the half-empty bottle from his limp hand and tossing it into the river below. Kurt didn't care, though. He grabbed Blaine's face and brought the boy's mouth to his own.

"How did you know I was here?" He asked, intertwining his fingers with Blaine's. The older boy smiled and looked behind him.

"Can we come out yet?" Finn and Mercedes stepped out from the shadows, worry on their faces. "I called Mom and Burt. They're a few hours away. And Quinn and Brittany are on their way over."

"Which means Tina and Santana will be here soon." Mercedes said, holding out her arms to hug Kurt. He returned the embrace, breathing in the scent of his best friend.

Finn ruffled his brother's hair, grinning. "Which means Mike, Puck, and Sam will be here in an hour."

Mercedes kissed his cheek, tearing up. "And Rachel is on her way to pick Artie up."

Blaine placed a firm hand on Kurt's back, kissing his head. "Wes and David are on their way out as well. Which means half of the Warblers will be with them. See Kurt? They barely know you and they want to make sure you're okay."

Kurt buried his face into Blaine's chest, smiling stupidly. "We're here for you, Kurt. All of us. We'll help you through this. I love you."

Kurt kissed Blaine again, ignoring the snickers and coos from Mercedes and Finn. In pairs and groups his friends rushed up, crying and hugging him , until they retired to Hummel-Hudson home for a "Kurt's Not Dead" party. Many hours later, Burt and Carole came home to a house full of sleeping teenagers, many of whom they had never seen before in their lives. In the middle of the pile was Kurt, who was nestled against Blaine, a smile on his face.

Burt smiled sadly. He knew there was going to be a lot of pain on the road ahead – clinical depression was not something that went away overnight – but he was relieved to know that Kurt had finally realized he wasn't alone.