This chapter was inspired by the song 'Photograph' by Ed Sheeran and it was written with direwxlf in mind. Happy holidays, dearest. You have always been such a wonderful friend and I hope that 2015 is everything it should be. All of my love.

Photograph

Gilbert kissed him at the airport and pressed a photograph into his grasping hands when he pulled back and Matthew whined.

"Wait for me," he whispered against his lips in between soft, sweet kisses and deep, bruising fervour. Matthew nodded and trembled and swallowed his tears. He clutched it to his chest. "I'll be home for Christmas."

And Matthew knew that he was lying but he tried to smile anyway.

He tucked the photograph into the pocket of his ripped jeans and worried the edges with his fingertips when he was standing, lost, in the middle of their apartment. His sniffling sounded even louder to his own ears.

It took him a couple of months to remember how to cook and set out the dishes for one person. It took him even longer to get used to the sight of one toothbrush in the washroom.

He did not think that he would ever get used to empty space on the left side of the bed.

"I miss you," Matthew breathed into his mobile. It was three in the morning and he was curled up, alone, on the empty side of their bed.

"I know," Gilbert sighed. His voice caught on the static of a thousand miles between them. "Are you taking care of yourself?"

Matthew hiccupped.

"I'm trying."

"That… That's good."

"It's hard."

"I know, I know," and Matthew could almost see him running his fingers through his hair and scuffing his shoes, "but you have to try. It'll get easier. I promise."

Matthew had never thought that love would hurt as much as it did. He had expected it to be effortless. Simple.

But it was dark and dirty and desperate.

It was either too hot or too cold and it was always too, too much. He did not like the way it made him feel, sometimes, or the things it made him do. It made him restless and thoughtless. It made him cruel.

It made him cruel because he wanted like he had never wanted anything in his life. He wanted Gilbert. All of him. All of the time. And he had never been that selfish before.

It scared him.

It fucking terrified him.

"It's raining again today," Matthew informed Gilbert even as he pinched his mobile against his shoulder and opened the window. Sunlight poured into their bedroom. It was warm.

"You're lying," Gilbert hummed affectionately. He had told him it was raining everyday since he left. It rarely was.

Matthew smiled.

"I might be."

"Have you eaten anything yet?"

"Francis came over and made me breakfast. Antonio came over yesterday," Matthew laughed against the receiver. "I know what you're doing, Gilbert."

He snorted.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Mmhmm." Matthew paused. "You don't need to worry about me, really. I can take care of myself. I don't even miss you that much."

"… You're lying," Gilbert repeated, softer the second time, before hanging up.

"I might be," Matthew admitted to the incessant tone.

He sat upside down on the sofa, with his feet in the air and his head dangling off the cushions, as stared at the photograph in his hands.

Gilbert must have snapped it while Matthew was still half asleep, curled around him and grinning at the camera, and Matthew had never seen himself so relaxed. He was cradled against Gilbert with a smile tucked in the corner of his mouth.

He looked content.

Happy.

Matthew traced his broken nose and the angles of his jaw and cheekbones. He missed Gilbert. He really, really did. He kicked his socked feet and tried to ignore the blood rushing to his head.

"When are you coming home?"

"Soon."

"You said that last week."

"Matthew…"

"And the week before that," he interjected.

"You know that…"

"And the fucking week before that!" He was shaking. He was so angry. Why the hell was he so angry?

He knew better, he did. He knew why Gilbert had left. He understood. And he knew that the distance was just as hard on Gilbert as it was for him.

So why the hell was he so angry?

"I…"

"Look," Matthew sighed and pushed his eyeglasses up his nose. "I'm going to hang up, okay? And I'm going to call you again in the morning, okay? And we're going to pretend that I never said anything."

He waited until Gilbert whispered 'alright' before hanging up.

Matthew washed every dish in the sink and, when he was done, he washed them again.

He had never realised how much space Gilbert had taken up in his life. It was so quiet without him. He thought about turning on the radio to fill the silence but Gilbert used to turn the volume up, up, up and swing him around the kitchen until they were laughing and breathless.

And, besides, the radio stations had started playing Christmas Carols.

"Where are you? It's loud."

Matthew shuffled the plastic bags from one hand to the other and brought his mobile up to his ear. He raised his voice.

"Christmas shopping. I'm almost done. What should we buy for your brother? I've already picked out a couple of baseball cards for Alfred. Oh, and a cookbook for Francis. Antonio says he wants a puppy."

Gilbert spluttered.

"We are not buying Antonio a puppy!" He sounded appalled and Matthew chuckled. "Lovino would kill us!"

"He would not."

"Not you, maybe, but he actually likes you. He'd definitely kill me."

"That's a risk I'm willing to take," Matthew crooned as he ducked into the pet store. He made sure to hold his mobile over the pen of barking, scrambling puppies.

"Matthew Williams," his voice cracked, "don't you dare!"

And he thought about hanging up and letting Gilbert sweat it out, he did, but he decided to be nice.

Just in case Santa Claus was watching.

He left the store.

"Alright, alright, you big baby, but we have to pick something out." He shifted the bags again. "There are only three weeks left until Christmas."

Gilbert cursed as if he had just realised the date.

"I'm sorry but…"

"I know, Gilbert," Matthew said absentmindedly. He studied a window display and blinked back his tears. "I knew when you left. It's okay."

"I won't be…"

"It's…"

"I love you," Gilbert interrupted him. "You know that, right? I love you."

"I love you too."

"Then wait for me."

Matthew walked down the avenue by himself and admired the stringed lights. He passed couples holding hands and families swinging children between them. He thought that he was fine.

Until he passed a lamp post on Sixth Street, wrapped in twinkling lights, that looked just like all the others.

He folded over himself and started bawling.

"Merry Christmas," he murmured as he fumbled with the familiar photograph. It was torn in one corner. The edges were worn. "I miss you."

"I know."

"It's snowing. You would like it. It's very pretty."

"It's not raining today?" Gilbert sounded amused. He was walking somewhere and Matthew could hear the traffic and wind in the background. He cupped his hand over the receiver.

Matthew chuckled and flopped onto the sofa.

"No, it's definitely snowing…"

"Are you going to see your brother tomorrow?" Gilbert asked as he stepped out of the wind. It was quieter. His voice echoed with it.

"I'm not sure yet."

"It's Christmas, Matthew. You shouldn't be alone."

He brushed it off.

"Alfred is… Enthusiastic," he said delicately. "He loves everything about Christmas. I don't know if I can handle his enthusiasm right now."

"Mmm."

"What about you?"

"I…"

Matthew flinched as someone knocked heavily against the door. He rolled off the sofa with a sigh and pocketed the photograph.

"Hold on a second," he padded across the carpet. "It's Christmas Eve. What sort of asshole even…"

He opened the door and promptly dropped his mobile.

Gilbert waved at him.

"Hi!"

"What are you…? How did…?"

Gilbert snapped his own mobile closed and stepped over the threshold. He held his hands out.

"I told you I'd be home for Christmas."

Matthew blinked, twice, before throwing himself into his arms.

He kissed him over and over again.

He punched him.

"Idiot. You're a fucking idiot," he mumbled in between kisses as Gilbert ran his fingers over his own worn edges. He pressed against him. Into him. "Why didn't you say anything?!"

Gilbert grinned and tucked his curls behind his ear.

"I wanted to surprise you. Merry Christmas."

Matthew choked on his laughter.

"Merry Christmas."