A/N: 1984 is the best, most serious book of all time, and I just had to write a beautiful, elegant, and completely family friendly fan fiction to disclose my deep and inexpressible love for this novel. I hope that my work can one day be as graceful as the penmanship of Orwell, but with this story, I feel I am capturing the feel of the original writing.

"Oh dearest Goldstein," grunted Big Brother as he thrusted his hips in a suggestive manner over the telescreen. "I love it when you pretend to be a sheep. I am your sheep herder, your sweet Little Bo Peep."

"Ooooo, herd me more," sighed Goldstein over the monitor, as he shoved his face in piles of wool, pretending to be a goat in heat. "Send your sheep dog after me. Your well-trained, thick, hot, sheep dog after me, oh you brawny and yet femininely delicate dystopian dreamboat."

"Oh, I will, and if you misbehave, it's the crook for you, Goldsheep. And the crook… is my penis."

"Big Brother, are you having telescreen sex again? You know that's against party law, right? WAR IS PEACE, SLAVERY IS-"

"Yes, I know, shut up O'Brien," said the stern dictator with a stern beard and a just as stern manhood to the underling who was suddenly dressed as an 80's cop with a pornstache. Who also had a stern manhood. "Can you not see Goldstein is waiting for me to lead him back to the flock? The flock of my penis?"

"Yeah," Goldstein bleated, and proceeded to chew on some grass.

"Just keep it quiet," whispered O'Brien, twirling his riding crop. "You're scaring some of the proles with your excessive grunting and thrusting noises. They might rise up, you know."

"Haha, that was a good joke O'Brien, the proles are all retarded. If I tell them to make a human orgy throne for me to sit on, they will do it. With pleasure."

He laughed there, while eating a thick meat sandwich.

"Where did you get your meat sandwich?" asked Winston who was covered in rats. "It looks like something I would also want in my mouth."

"Where did you come from?" asked a surprised O'Brien, hitting the cancerous ankle with his riding crop in a suggestive manner.

"From Room 101, of course. You were just there. I like rats. And old people. Wrinkly old whorey ladies. The best."

"We could share the meat sandwich," suggested a suggestive Big Brother.

"Stop ignoring me!" said Goldstein, crying mascara tears down his furry sheep costume. "You always do this to me, Big Bro! And then you have to take your frustrations out in three minutes of hate. More like, three minutes of 'I can't cope with my infidelity and lack of sexual drive for sheep.' This is no longer a romance between us anymore!"

"Yeah, it's more like… a big bromance," snapped Big Brother, as he put his sunglasses on. "YEEAAAAAAAAAAAH."

"I can't believe you!" cried Goldstein, as he promptly cut the connection off between them.

"You cock-blockers, you ruined my telescreen sex session! I can't believe you!" whispered Big Brother, as he turned towards the other two white guys in the room. "It's extra 'chastity' sessions with Julia for you."

"Noooo!" they both cried out, despising Julia because she was a terrible character. "Not Julia!"

And then they made sweet sweet love.

tttthHHHheEEeee EEENNDDddddDDD