Yes, my first (published) Hetalia fic is ready!

Title: XYZ

Summary: As France finds out, America was already America in 1799...naïve but arrogant

Characters: France, America, American diplomats, French ministers (some mentions of England)

Pairings: None!

Word Count: 1850

Time Period: 1799, towards the end of the French Revolution.

Disclaimer: This fic is a work of (historical) fiction and does not reflect the present-day views of the author. (But you have to admit, France wasn't very nice to us in 1799!)

History Lesson at the end!

XYZ

Alfred was furious. Never in his short-nation life had he ever felt more insulted than in his meeting with France. Sure the man was a great help during his revolution, but as Alfred finally learned (after being warned repeatedly by England, with whom he also wasn't too happy with at the moment), France was an ass.

This was not an opinion.

"And this is the reason you stormed out of there?" the president asked, rubbing his temples, "Because France is an ass?"

"No boss, there's more," Alfred said clearing his throat for his report.

"I'm listening." Alfred nodded and began…

It had all began with France's little revolution (or as Alfred called, Guillotine affair) and his nerve to attack innocent, neutral, American ships. After learning that the man to talk to was the French foreign affairs minister Talleyrand, Alfred and three American diplomats, set out on a nice little diplomatic meeting with the guy.

It didn't go as planned…At. All.

"What do you mean we can't see Talleyrand?" Alfred demanded, "We came all this way for a meeting and we can't even see him?" The diplomats behind him were looking very agitated as well. Across the table, France and his three ministers were all…just smug.

"Amérique, I'm afraid your request is…not possible at the moment," France began, trying to sound sincerely apologetic. He wasn't trying hard enough. "You see Monsieur Talleyrand is a very busy man. He simply cannot meet with everyone."

"You outrank him!" Alfred stated simply, "If you told him to meet with me then he has too. It's that simple."

"Ah poor little Amérique," France laughed, "Still so naïve about the ways of the world. Wouldn't you allow Big Brother to deflower you a bit?"

"No." Alfred's face was impassive, not unlike the face England would make. Behind him though, the diplomats were trying to pretend they did not just hear the country of France make advances on their young, male, country. The French ministers were quite amused though…but they were probably just used to it.

France smile grew. "Yes, perhaps it is a bit early for that. You are still only a child after all." Alfred frowned. He was not a child anymore. He was an independent nation! And he was going to be treated as such!

"We came here to see Talleyrand," the independent nation said again, "We will see him."

France's face darkened at this. "Do you mean to say Amérique, that if you will not meet with Talleyrand, you will declare war on me?"

Alfred did not answer. His president warned him repeatedly not to make any indication about their war plans. Jay's Treaty had put France on the edge. Aggravating France would be disastrous. Denying anything though would aggravate England…and that one was already pissed.

Alfred's silence really impressed France. Little America had grown up so much since his Revolution. He was already quite sharp and confident, knowing when to speak and when to stay silent. Yes, France would relish the moment when that little ex-colony would be wrapped around his finger.

After flashing a quick look to his ministers (which did not go unnoticed by the American diplomats), France cleared his throat and said, "Well perhaps we could work something out. You did come all this way after all." Alfred, who did miss that quick look, smiled brightly. Maybe France wasn't as bad as England had said after all!

"Great! Call him over here!" Alfred yelled, "We've got a lot to discuss here." As soon as the ministers started laughing though, his face fell. "What's so funny?"

"Amérique, you really are too naïve," France laughed heartily, "I meant, the eight of us here could work something out." He turned to his ministers. "These are X, Y, and Z. They have laid out some conditions for our negotiation."

"Negotiation?" Alfred squeaked out, a feeling of dread washing over him. He wasn't going to like this, was he? His diplomats had more of an "I knew this was coming" look. That didn't mean they were anymore prepared though.

France nodded with a smug smile. "Monsieur X, if you please?" The first minister stepped forward.

"First of all, France requires a loan. Wars are expensive as you know. Considering how much we had given you—"

"Yeah, yeah. I get it," Alfred hand waved him, feeling a little calmer. A loan wasn't too bad. It would just be collect with interest later. And considering that France took his sweet time with loans…There would be a lot of interest. Alfred smiled at the thought.

"Why are you smiling?" France asked surprised.

"No reason. How much of a loan do you need?"

"12 million, of what you call, dollars." Alfred's smile was quickly replaced with a look of horror.

"ARE YOU INSANE!" he yelled, "Where am I supposed to get that money? I'm already in debt to England!"

Before he could yell out anything else though, one of the diplomats covered his mouth from behind. "Shut up and listen," he whispered into the teens ear, "If need be we'll print the money. We're not agreeing to it yet so don't loose you temper. Do you want to see Talleyrand of not?"

Alfred calmed down after that (somewhat). He looked at France bitterly and asked, "Is that all?"

"Non, of course not," France chuckled, "Monsieur Y?"

The second minister stepped forward. "Second, a donation of 250,000 dollars is necessary."

Alfred was confused. "Donation? Can't that just be part of the loan?"

"That's not what he means Alfred," a diplomat whispered, trying to call him over in order to discuss this privately. Alfred wasn't getting it though.

"Then what does he mean?" the young nation voiced aloud. Then he suddenly said, "Oh, do you mean they'll give us a donation? That's nice; I mean we do have our debt with England. And it'll make getting the loan easier. Sure, let's do this thing! Hand over the cash!" One could practically see the diplomats fall down in shock. It was times like this that made other countries think he was an easy nation to control…

France burst out laughing first. The ministers followed shortly. As Alfred tried to figure out what he had done wrong, a diplomat grabbed him by the back of his shirt and spelled out (literally) what France was demanding.

"A BRIBE!" Alfred yelled horrified. "But why—I mean—he—we—they—Why the hell do we have to bribe them?"

"You do want to see Talleyrand, non?" France asked trying to recompose himself.

"Well of course!" Alfred said, "But a bribe is…that's so dirty and unethnical!"

"The word is unethical," a diplomat muttered but Alfred didn't seem to hear. He looked too horrified at the idea.

"My, my, hasn't Angleterre taught you anything?" France asked, surprised at this reaction, "This is how business is done, you know."

No, he didn't know. Neither Alfred nor England had ever planned on America becoming an independent country. So England never bothered teaching him about foreign affairs and how they were conducted. Alfred had always just figured that one side asked for something, there was some argument, and then things were settled. Bribery…that just sounded so wrong!

"Is that true?" Alfred asked his diplomats. They just looked away guiltily. Understanding the answer, Alfred turned to France again, "Is that all?" He really wanted to go home now.

Unfortunately for him, France shook his head and "Monsieur Z" stepped forward. "Listen kid, the anti-France sentiment you're displaying back home is really annoying and insulting," he said bluntly, "Our last demand is a public apology from you and your leader."

Alfred stayed silent for a long time. "If we do everything you asked for, will you stop attacking our ships?"

"Alfred! You're not seriously considering—" Alfred's frantic diplomat was suddenly cut off by France's,

"Mon petit Amérique, these are the demands for meeting with Monsieur Talleyrand remember?"

In retrospect, France should have thought carefully before saying that. Even his ministers looked ready to strangle him. But they wouldn't be getting the opportunity…Alfred snapped first.

"HELL NO! NO! NON! OR WHATEVER YOU FRENCH FROGS SAY!" Alfred yelled and jumped on to the table. Pointing his finger down at France he continued, "Do you really think I'm going to agree to those ridiculous terms! Do you think that just because you're older than me by like a thousand years, you could push me around like that? I have to bribe you to meet your foreign affairs guy? I have to apologize?

"NO WAY! AMERICA DOESN'T GIVE BRIBES! AND AMERICA DOESN'T APOLOGIZE!" The diplomats cheered at this, (though they really wished that their country would get off the table. They were in France. Looking down on their host could cost them their heads.)

France scowled. "I take it you refuse these conditions then."

"YOU BET I REFUSE THE CONDITIONS!"

"Very well then. You will not be meeting with Talleyrand you know."

"You will," America said and suddenly pointed at the sky, "And you tell him this. NOT A SIXPENCE!"

France nodded. "I'll give him the message. You do realize what this means though right?"

"Of course I do." And with that Alfred F. Jones and his three American diplomats stormed out of France.

"And that is the whole story," Alfred concluded. The President nodded.

"Well said."

"Thanks! But um we have a bit of a problem now."

"You mean that naval war we have to fight now?" The president asked. This annoyed him. The whole point of the meeting was to avoid a war.

"Yeah that one." Alfred felt a bit bad about that. Partially because there was going to be more debt to deal with now, but mostly because he ultimately failed in his task.

"Don't worry we'll manage somehow," the president assured him, "I'd would rather fight than apologize to that pompous country."

"That's exactly what I thought," America said, "I'm a country. I shouldn't have to apologize for my actions."

"Do you realize how arrogant you sounded just now?"

"What? This is arrogant? Just wait until I am the World's superpower!" America laughed haughtily at the thought. Yes. One of these days, everyone would be bowing before him!

-§§§§§§§-OMAKE-§§§§§§§-

"Alright, the American Navy is ready for action now!" Alfred cheered a year later, "Now we can kick French ass officially!"

"Mr. Jones!" A messenger suddenly arrived, "News from France! The French Revolution is over. And their new leader would like to negotiate a peace treaty!"

"WHAT! But, my totally awesome shiny new navy~"

"Maybe next time, sir."

The End. History Lesson Time:

The XYZ affair started when France was attacking our NEUTRAL merchant ships, because they feared that we were planning to ally with Britain (We weren't. Jay's Treaty with England happened a few years earlier and it basically said that we were going to pay our debt to them. However the contents of the treaty were kept a secret so France and Spain thought that we were going to ally against them. Since they had colonies in America at the time, that would have been bad)(Spain quickly decided to suck up to us and get on our good side so they gave us Pinckney's Treaty. France was more aggressive)

Basically our diplomats went to meet with the foreign affairs minister Talleyrand. However he didn't show up leaving us to negotiate with X Y and Z (we learn their names much later but its not that important. They don't even bother giving them to us during the meeting). XYZ demanded a loan, a personal bribe and a public apology from Adams. Our diplomats told them "Not a sixpence" and left. This led to an undeclared naval war between America and France (Quasi-War)

I added the omake (though its a little more fictional than historical) because my history teacher basically said that we couldn't "officially" declare war because by the time we were ready, the French Revolution was over and since Napoleon had colonies in America he didn't want to make an enemy out of us. (since he was going to be busy conquering Europe and didn't really want to deal with America)(Smart move)

The "next time" for the American navy to show its stuff would be the war of 1812.

America was already pretty arrogant in 1799 wasn't he? (and this was a time when no one took it seriously either)...and now when we are a world power...