Author: Summer
Rating: R?
Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters and all here are on loan for this fic. They belong to Joss, Warner Bros and Fox as well as Mutant Enemy.
Summary: Spike has been turned human because of the Ghorac Demons bite but is seriously ill. Will he tell Buffy? Can they get together before the end?
Authors note: Buffy never died. Set sometime in between seasons 5&6 but after Joyce died.
Feedback: That would be excellent I'd love it!
Chapter thirteen - Confessional
As the English couple drove back, they sat in complete silence. Giles didn't dare say anything to the blond. I mean, what would he say? And Spike just sat there staring off out the window. It was obvious he was in deep thought. Thinking of Buffy and how he was gonna upset her. How he'd let her down. How their dream life had been snatched away from them.
*Sigh* How could he tell her?
Life was so unbelievably cruel. Maybe this was payback for all the terror he had pursued. This was the fates revenge.
Maybe he could take her to dinner or the beach, break it to her gently. *Sigh* No matter how gently he broke the news it wouldn't stop the pain for coming. Maybe he should just wait. Could he wait? *Sigh* he was so confused.
Staring at the view something caught his eye. As Giles pulled up to a stop sign Spike suddenly got out.
"Where you going?" Giles almost shouted
Spike closed the door. Looking in through the window at the watcher "I'm just gonna get some fresh air...think for a bit"
"I'm not so sure that-" Giles was just about to argue when Spike cut him off
"Don't worry Watcher, I can take care of myself"
Giles sighed heavily looking down at the steering wheel and back to Spike "what shall I tell Buffy and the others?"
Spike turned pale at the mention of Buffy's name. He felt a small pang in his heart. "You can't tell Buffy anything you understand?" Giles nodded "promise me Watcher"
"all right" Giles said reluctantly ".......just be careful"
"Don't worry Watcher I'll get a cab back" Spike turned and walked away at the sound of cars hooting behind Giles.
Giles sat there for a few seconds. He watched as the former vamp made it safely to the sidewalk. Shaking his head at the tooting horns behind him. "Yes all right, I'm moving" he shouted out his window, carefully pulled away and drove off.
Spike was left alone.
Watching as the car sped into the distance he collected his thoughts. He turned around, staring at the wooden sign in front of him.
'Saint Catherine's Catholic Church, saving souls, helping lives'
Taking in a deep breath he exhaled it in a long sigh. Apprehensive at first he made his way to the large oak doors.
His first instinct was to knock but thinking better of the situation he decided it was best just to walk in. The doors looked heavy and old but were not overly hard to push open. In fact the whole church looked as though it pre dated the 1800's. Stepping inside he noticed the worn and ragged pews stretching all the way up to the alter. It wasn't a bad looking church really. What it lacked in modernisation it made up for in rustic charm.
Exhaling a deep sigh he didn't realise he was holding, he slowly walked over to one of the remaining cushioned pews. In doing so he noticed incredibly still the atmosphere was. It engulfed you. The fact that he seemed to be the only visitor only further perturbed him.
*Why am I here?* He thought. Although he knew the answer. In his heart, he knew. He knew why he was there but knowing it didn't make him feel any comfort.
What he wanted. What you think. Redemption? Absolution? He knew what he wanted the most.......to wake up from this nightmare. Slamming his hand down on the back of the pew in front of him he let his face slip into the crook of his elbow to rest there, tears threatening to spill.
For a moment he thought he heard footsteps. He looked up to see.......................no one.
But then "Excuse me"
Turning he saw a middle aged man standing behind him holding a prayer book. Obviously the priest of the haggard chapel. A good looking man, medium height with an Irish accent. He reminded Spike of something of the Angelus he knew.
"I'm sorry, I'm father Patrick. Are you here for confession?"
Spike thought for a moment sighing inwardly. He was about to decline when he found himself saying "yes".
The priest nodded "give me five minutes, I'll be right with you"
Spike sighed again as the priest left. Rising to stand, he felt the bile rise in his throat.
Why had he said yes?
Looking over the contents of the church, his eyes came to rest upon the confession box. Taking in a deep breath, he walked over and entered.
No sooner than he sat down he started to feel the knots in his stomach. It reminded him of when he was a boy of six. How his Grandmother had took him to church for the first time. How she read from the bible on Sundays all the time telling him and his sister how important it was to serve the Lord, be good and ask for forgiveness whenever they'd done something wrong.
He had a flashback to the days when he used to travel to church every Sunday in a horse and trap. When he usually got into trouble or sinned his mother would make him go to confession and then come home to receive a 'good hiding' from his father. Things seemed to get worse after his after his father and grandmother died. His mother turned more to her faith. She used to say that they were all she had left. It was funny how life worked out sometimes. Him becoming the very thing his mother was against.
He was broken out of his thoughts by the sound of the priest approaching. Exhaling a sharp breath he silently mumbled "here we go"
"Father forgive me, for I have sinned"
"What is this sin my child?"
Spike held back a small laugh *that's an understatement* he thought. "I have lied father"
"To whom have you lied?" the priest asked
"To my......." Spike paused for a second, unsure how to proceed "................to my family"
"And what is this lie?"
"It's a promise" he said quietly.
"Oh?"
Even though Spike couldn't see the priests expression he could tell he was confused. "It's complicated, I'm sorry father" Spike was preparing to stand. He just didn't feel he belonged there.
As Spike was about to walk out the priest called him back "wait, my child. Tell me your promise"
Spike sighed and reluctantly turned to sit back down. His head in his hands. "I don't know where to begin"
"How about from the beginning" the priest offered.
"Well..........I used to be......(*sigh*)..................I've sinned............alot" Spike stuttered. He could almost hear the priest nodding. "I'm in love with a woman..a wonderful woman. Who saved me!"
"Go on"
"She saved me in every way a person can be saved. She.....she changed me"
"Did you want to change?"
Spike was silent for a time contemplating the question put before him. Thirty seconds past before he could give an answer. With a stray tear slipping down his cheek he said..... "yes I did......but everything's changed. Its all changed".
Spike tried his best to control the flow of tears that sprang to his eyes. Realising the priest was still he shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
"Why has it changed?"
"Because....." he paused. Releasing a deep breath he felt a flash of heat spread across his face "............because I have to return. Go back. For her.......for them. Return to the darkness".
The priest listened to the young man eagerly. A man who come from darkness and clawed his way out because of one woman. *this woman must be something special* he thought.
"One you change it's harder to change back" the priest commented.
"Then what shall I do father?"
The priest was more than a little troubled at this mans dilemma. Instinct told him to say "Turn to the Lord , my son. Stay on his path and he shall lead you to righteousness".
Spike nodded to himself and prepared to stand for the second time that night. "Thank you father".
The priest was about to call the stranger back but by the time he was out of the confession box the strangers footsteps had all but died away within the shadows.
*******
Spike had been walking for hours ever since he left the church. He dared not go home. He felt...........ashamed and scared. He knew somewhere inside it was silly to be afraid of such things. But he couldn't get the image of Buffy's face out of his mind. How could he tell her? The priests echoing words floated back into his mind **Put your faith in God**.
(*Sigh*) Life sucks, he thought. He'd just got life back and now it was being taken away from him. *If only there was another way*.
He turned his head to the right, hearing footsteps down a nearby alleyway. He didn't need to check his watch to know that it was after dusk. The whispering got louder as he approached the corner. Vampires were the first thought that came to his mind.
"Damn" he said all too loudly
Checking his pockets he couldn't find a stake anywhere. Not even that bottle of holy water Buffy had given him in case if an emergency. He thought about crossing the road or even going back the way he came. Getting turned AGAIN wasn't an option for him right now. Taking his own advice he turned round and came face to face with the stranger.
"ANGEL!" He exclaimed.
TBC.........................................................................................................................................
A/N: Sorry this took so long to post guys. I promise I'll post more real soon. Please keep reviewing. Thanks for all the reviews so far. Can't wait for more. PLEASE REVIEW!
Oh and also I 'borrowed' a line from Titanic. You might have noticed?