Chapter 8

Chapter 8.1: Chisame and Takahata 2

"Where the heck are we?" Asuna asked. All she knew at the moment was that they were somewhere under the campus, trudging through what would have looked like a sewer if it hadn't been so expansive. Haruna was leading the way, dragging Hakase by the arm. Yue and Nodoka brought up the rear of the group.

"We're in the Mahora tunnel system," Haruna answered, grinning widely.

"But why?"

"To find out what your beloved Takahata-sensei is discussing with Chisame, of course," Haruna said. "Let's just say that Hakase owes me a favor." She tugged playfully at the scientist's ear.

"So what exactly is she going to do for us?" Asuna asked.

"I'll let her explain. It's around here somewhere, right, Hakase?"

"Affirmative," the scientist answered. The group rounded a corner. "Yes, this is the location." She stopped and drew a small remote out of her lab coat. As she punched the single red button on the device, a loud rumble filled the tunnel. A section of the stone wall began to fold up into itself, and a large, shiny bank of screens and buttons emerged from the gap.

"What the heck is that?" Asuna stared incredulously at the station.

Haruna smiled wickedly as she patted the edge of the console.

"This is the thing that's going to help you defeat Chisame and gain Takahata's love for yourself!" She threw an arm around Asuna's shoulder. "It'll help us analyze the nature of their relationship."

"So you're spying on them?" Yue asked. "And you see no potential ethical problems with intruding on a private meeting?"

"Well, someone…" Haruna paused to glare at Nodoka, whom promptly looked away, "…refused to let us borrow her artifact, so we were forced to resort to more mundane methods."

"Science is hardly mundane!" Hakase grumbled. She flipped a switch on the edge of the console. It flickered to life with the sound not unlike that of an old television being activated.

"You can't use my artifact because I don't want to use it to spy on people like that!" Nodoka said. "You know I don't like prying into people's minds."

"But it would be so much easier!"

"You're missing the point..." Yue rolled her eyes. "This is the exact kind of ethical issue I was talking about."

"If you're so worried about it, why are you still here?" Haruna retorted.

"Morbid curiosity."

Apparently satisfied with the answer, Haruna turned back to Hakase.

"Are we ready?"

"Affirmative."

"So what exactly are we doing?" Asuna eyed the machine suspiciously.

"This console was constructed by the science department to gather demographic information about the student body and conduct analysis on it." Hakase continued to poke at the buttons on the bank of screens. "While sociology is generally considered a soft science, we believe that we can examine the biological factors that lead to certain forms of social interaction, resulting in-"

Haruna clamped a hand over the scientist's mouth.

"Long, story short, we're going to analyze those two, and figure out the nature of their relationship. Hakase, activate the periscope!" She released the girl, who scurried back over to the console. With the press of a button, a viewport descended from the roof of the tunnel. "Let's take a look, shall we?" She put her eyes up to the base of the periscope and began to slowly turn it.

"Where does the top of that thing come out of?" Asuna asked.

"Right under the table where your classmate and your teacher are sharing your meal."

"So you're telling me that there just so happens to be a periscope right under them?" Yue sighed. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh come on, you've been at Mahora long enough that this sort of thing shouldn't surprise you."

"I suppose you're right."

"Okay, let me just zoom a little bit... Perfect!" Haruna looked up from the periscope. "Take a look, Asuna. You're gonna want to see this."

The redhead took hold of the periscope and peered into it.

"Uh, I have no idea what I'm looking at. Where is this thing looking?"

"Right up Chisame's skirt!" Haruna replied.

Asuna stared into the periscope for a moment as her brain finally organized what her eyes were seeing into something recognizable. Sure enough, Chisame's inner thighs dominated her field of vision. Asuna spun around.

"What the hell, Haruna!-? Why on earth would I want to see that?"

"Oh, please," Haruna said. Her mouth still twisted into a maniacal grin. "Just look again. I'm sure you'll find it interesting."

"No!" Asuna stamped her foot. "This has nothing to do with figuring out what's going on with Chisame and Takahata-sensei! You're just screwing with me!"

"No, I am not!" Haruna sniffed. "This is completely relevant. Look again."

"Why? I don't want to see up Chisame's skirt."

"But you do! Trust me, this is very important information!"

"What, do you want me to examine her shaving habits or something? This is stupid. I'm leaving." Asuna began to stomp down the hallway.

"Wait!" Haruna grabbed Asuna's arm. "Just one more look. I swear, it's important! You just have to look closer." Asuna glared daggers at Haruna. Haruna merely returned the glare. "Don't you want to know if your classmate has stolen Takahata's love...?"

"Fine." She shoved Haruna off of her. "I'll look again, but I swear this had better help me or I'm getting the hell out of here."

She reluctantly took hold of the periscope and looked into it.

"Come on, Asuna. Don't tell me you don't notice it," Haruna said.

"Notice what? What the heck am I supposed to-" She squinted into the viewport. "...Those are some really fancy panties."

"Really?" Yue's voice contained mild surprise.

"Yeah, really."

"Take a look for yourself." Haruna nodded at Hakase, who punched a button on the console. The main screen flickered to life, displaying Chisame's crotch in a gloriously high degree of definition. The other girls blinked against the sudden brightness.

"Wow," Yue said as her eyes finally managed to focus on the screen. "Those are quite...elaborate." She tilted her head. "They almost look familiar for some reason..."

"I think I might have a pair of those..." Nodoka said in a low voice.

"Hakase, can you run an analysis on the panties?"

"Affirmative!" She typed a few lines into the terminal, and the image on the main screen was immediately covered with a mess of superimposed numbers and other information.

Asuna stared at the screen as it began to generate a full 3D model of her classmate's underpants. Along the side of the screen, every imaginable statistic and tidbit of information regarding the undergarment was being listed. Suddenly the display stopped flashing, and beeped three times before going silent. Then there was a low buzzing as a long strip of paper began to print out the side of the computer.

"Analysis is complete." Hakase snatched the printout, adjusted her glasses, and began to scan the document.

"What the heck just happened?" Asuna asked.

"I'm glad you asked!" Haruna said. "The computer analyzed the underwear and compared its statistics against a lingerie database to determine where and when Chisame obtained them. From there, we can determine why she obtained them, and why she would wear them to a meeting with her teacher."

"...There's a lingerie database?" Yue began to massage her enormous forehead with her thumb and forefinger. "Why would that even exist? And why would this random computer be linked to it?"

"Oh please, there are databases for everything nowadays." Haruna patted Yue on the back. "Hakase, what information do we have in the analysis?"

"Black panties. Silk. Kingsley Vapor Wear. Retail cost of twenty-three hundred yen. I've had the computer compare this particular style of panties against Chisame's credit history. She purchased a pair of these panties from the Carousel Boutique 32 days ago."

"And this helps me how?" Asuna said, trying to think of what kind of information could possibly fill the length of paper that the machine had created.

"Like I've told you, we can use the info to figure out their relationship. Think about it. Chisame is wearing freaking lingerie to lunch with the guy. And she just picked them up a month ago. They haven't been just lying around. But there's still a long enough gap between purchase and use that we can assume that she didn't just do this on a whim. It was premeditated. Therefore, I posit that Chisame specifically bought the panties with the intent of seducing Takahata-sensei. Q.E.D."

Haruna folded her arms, satisfied that she had proven her point.

"You mean..." Asuna swallowed hard, "…she's really-"

"Wait just a minute!" Yue said as she shoved her way past Asuna. "First of all…" She turned toward Haruna, "That isn't how quod erat demonstrandum works." She turned back to Asuna. "Second, you can't just listen to Haruna like that. She has no idea what she's talking about."

"What do you mean?"

"When it comes to situations like this, one cannot assume that the first explanation offered is correct, or even the most likely. It would be wise to consider alternate explanations that are more probable."

"Oh please," Haruna said. "Like what?"

"Maybe she had another reason for wearing those panties today," Nodoka said. The rest of the group turned around; they had all but forgotten her presence.

"Why on earth would she?" Haruna scoffed at the idea.

"Maybe she ran out of normal panties and had to wear one of her special pairs," Nodoka said. She blushed slightly as she looked away. "It's happened to me before..."

"Huh...really..." Haruna said, stroking her chin. "You're wearing them right now, aren't you?"

"I…uh..." Nodoka began to back away as Haruna moved closer. She all but froze as she felt the cold wall of the tunnel against her back.

"You are!" The gleam in Haruna's eye had a distinctly evil tint. In a flash, she snatched at Nodoka's skirt, flipping it up. The eyes of everyone in the group widened as they got a good, long look at what was beneath it. Or rather, what wasn't beneath it. Nodoka's blush just deepened to the point that her head looked like a tomato. "...or not." She delicately lowered the skirt back into place and turned back to Yue as Nodoka scurried out of the group's collective gaze. "So, you were saying?"

Yue failed to respond. She was still blankly staring at the section of wall where Nodoka had been seconds before.

"Yue!"

"Huh?" She shivered for a moment as she snapped out of her trance. "What?"

"What are your thoughts on Nodoka's alternate explanation for Chisame's panties?"

"Oh, that." Yue cleared her throat. "Well, I think it's more likely than the explanation you gave. We know that such things do, of course, happen."

"We have seduction and laziness as our two possible explanations," Haruna said to no one in particular. "Do we have any other theories?"

"I, uh, have another idea..." The group turned to Nodoka, whose face was only slightly less red. Although this time the flushing was partially the result of frustration at Haruna. Her hands were clamped on the front of her skirt, guarding against any more of Haruna's antics.

"Well, let's hear it!"

"Well, is it possible that the panties are part of one of Chisame's costumes?"

"Costumes? What are you talking about?" Asuna scratched her head in confusion as she spoke. "Why would she be wearing a costume?"

"You mean you don't know?" Haruna gaped at Asuna in a rare display of genuine shock.

"What don't I know?" Asuna asked.

"Okay, okay, okay, I thought everybody knew about this by now." Haruna shook her head as if she were ashamed of Asuna's ignorance. "You are familiar with the online cosplay model known as 'Chiu', right? The number one internet idol?"

"How could I not be? You can't go on the internet without hearing about her."

"Well, that's actually Chisame."

Asuna simply stared at Haruna, her brain working furiously to determine whether or not her classmate was trying to screw with her. Almost a full minute elapsed before Asuna managed a coherent reply.

"What."

"Chisame is actually Chiu, the internet idol. I know, nobody saw that coming."

"Y-you can't be serious!" Asuna stammered. "I've known her for years! There's no way she could be a famous model! She's too, too normal!"

Haruna chuckled at Asuna's skepticism.

"Nodoka and Yue will corroborate my story."

The two girls nodded.

"So..." Asuna said, "she's not just messing with my head."

"Nope," Yue answered, "Chisame and Chiu are one and the same. It was a surprise for me as well."

"You're in cahoots with her!" Asuna thrust a finger at Haruna. "Cahoots, I say! This is just some sort of April Fools joke or something! Even though it isn't April! With you people, that's probably part of the joke."

"Fine, fine, we'll just have to prove it. Hakase, run the facial recognition program."

"Affirmative." The console beeped and flashed a few times before displaying two images on the main screen, one of Chisame and one of Chiu. There were a few more fancy CG effects, and the two images began to overlap each other. Asuna's eyes widened as the faces lined themselves up perfectly. There was a final series of beeps, and a small "match confirmed" notice began to blink in the corner of the screen.

"Believe me now?" Haruna asked.

"WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I EVER NOTICE THAT!-?"

"Now that Chisame's dual identity has been established..." Haruna turned away, ignoring the fact that Asuna had been reduced to frustrated muttering by the revelation, "...we can return to speculation on what on earth Chisame and Takahata are up to. Hakase, do you have records of anything else that Chisame purchased during the shopping trip where she bought the panties?"

Hakase held up the enormous paper and began to scan it.

"Black thigh-high socks, a miniskirt, a corset, high heels...also a number of sewing supplies and textiles."

"Sounds like a costume to me," Yue said.

"Hakase!" Haruna barked. "I need you to analyze those articles of clothing and compare them to all the photo sets that Chiu has uploaded in the time since she purchased the panties!"

Hakase nodded, punched some more buttons, and the computer once again buzzed to life.

"It appears that the corset, skirt, and stockings were worn in this picture set, which was upload at roughly 2 a.m. this morning." Hakase pointed at the screen, which was rapidly filling with thumbnails of Chisame wearing a surprisingly skimpy maid uniform. "The skirt isn't quite tight enough to determine if she's wearing this specific set of panties. There are several pictures which are taken from an angle that would theoretically allow us a view of her panties, but in practice these pictures are too indistinct to gather any useful information."

"Yeah, she does tend to self-censor." Haruna stroked her chin as she stared at the pictures. "Even though she'd get even more hits if she tossed in the occasional panty shot. Although we seem to have a bigger problem on our hands."

"What exactly would that be?" Asuna asked. She rubbed her forehead, trying to stave off a Haruna-induced headache.

"We're back to square one," Yue grumbled. "Analysis of the panties was inconclusive. We can't determine anything about Chisame and Takahata's relationship based on her underwear because there are other reasons that she might be wearing them."

"So you mean this whole big spy mission didn't accomplish anything other than telling me that Chisame is actually a famous cosplayer?"

"That seems to be the case," Nodoka said as she put a hand on Asuna's shoulder. "Don't worry; Chisame just doesn't seem like the kind of person to-"

"LIKE WE'RE GOING TO LEAVE IT AT THAT!" Haruna shoved Nodoka away and locked an arm around Asuna. "This is merely a cursory attempt at gathering information. A reconnaissance mission, if you will. We're just getting started! Hakase, ready plan B."

The scientist nodded, and drew the single-buttoned remote from her lab coat and punched the button. There was a low woosh as the console flickered into darkness, followed by a grinding as it folded back into the wall. She turned back to Haruna.

"The necessary preparations are already in place."

"Well, let's get on the move then!"

Nodoka and Yue watched silently as Haruna dragged Asuna down the tunnel, Hakase following behind them. Yue let out a sigh.

"I suppose we should follow them?"

Nodoka stood for only a moment before beginning to stride down the passage. She looked back over her shoulder.

"Why not?"

Yue shrugged and joined her friend as they headed down the tunnel.

Chapter 8.2: Chisame and Evangeline

"Evangeline?" Chisame pounded on the door of Eva's cottage. "I know you're in there! Answer the damn door!" She punched the door a few more times for good measure. She was halfway through one of the strikes when the door opened, so quickly that she had to stop her hand mid-punch to keep herself from socking Chachamaru in the face.

"Oh hello, Chisame. What brings you out here today?"

"I just had to talk to Eva about something," Chisame said, trying to be as generic as possible.

"About what?" Chachamaru asked. She stood in the doorway, showing no sign of intending to move out of the way.

"I'm...uh...I'm stuck in one of my video games."

"Why do you not just consult a video game walkthrough website?"

"It's one of my retro games. GameFAQs doesn't have anything on it. You know as well as I do that she's into those kinds of things."

"I see," Chachamaru said.

"So is she here?"

"She is, but I doubt you'll be able to talk to her." The robot sighed, despite not having lungs. "I'm not sure why, but she seems to be in one of her moods. She refuses to get out of bed. I attempted to talk to her, but Chachazero told me that I should probably leave her alone."

"What, is she sick or something?" Chisame asked. "She's an immortal vampire, isn't she? Doesn't that mean that she can't get sick?"

"Actually that isn't the case, but that's irrelevant at the moment. She briefly left her room this morning to go to the bathroom, and according to my sensors she was in perfect health. I believe she may be suffering from some sort of emotional distress, but I…er...I have no experience in that area, so I cannot be sure."

"Oh, that's...uh..." Chisame wasn't exactly sure how to respond to that. She had come for advice on how to beat level 23 of an obscure TurboGrafx game, not to receive a rundown of Evangeline's emotional well-being. "Maybe I should come back later…"

She began to turn around, only to be stopped by a robotic hand gripping her wrist.

"Actually, perhaps you should talk to her." There was a distinct note of desperation in Chachamaru's voice. "I don't really understand how Master feels. Maybe you can figure out what's wrong."

"Uh, I'm probably not the right person for that either." Chisame didn't even bother turning back around, instead settling for looking back over her shoulder in the hopes that Chachamaru would let go of her arm.

"Actually, I believe that you may be the best person to talk to her."

"Me?" Chisame finally turned back to Chachamaru, who released her wrist. "Why?"

"Your relationship with her is unique. Out of everyone in your class, you are the only one whose visits are social rather than related to training exercises or things of that nature. As odd as it may sound to you, you are probably her closest friend."

"Wait, wait, wait…" Chisame said, waving her hands in front of her face. "What about you? You live with her! Doesn't that automatically put you higher up on the list?"

"I am first and foremost Evangeline's servant. I'm certainly concerned about her well-being, but I cannot understand emotions well enough to be of much help to her. I'm sure that she would be more willing to confide in you than in me."

"I'm not so sure about that." Chisame started to edge away again.

"Please?"

Chisame paused. Despite Chachamaru's claims about her inability to understand emotions, she seemed to be legitimately distressed by whatever it was that Eva was doing. That, and the robot girl had, whether by accident or design, absolutely nailed the "puppy dog eyes" look.

"Okay, fine." Chisame sighed. "I'll talk to her. But if she kicks me out, I'm going to leave her alone, alright?"

"Very well," Chachamaru said, allowing herself a small smile. "Please come this way."

"Hello? Evangeline?" Chisame's voice was barely above a whisper as she poked her head into the room. There was no response. Aside from the single beam of sunlight shining through the not-quite-closed blinds, everything was dark. Evangeline was nowhere to be seen. According to Chachamaru, the girl was buried somewhere in the massive pile of blankets that covered the bed, although the air in the room was so still that Chisame was inclined to doubt it. She was on the verge of backing out of the room when she heard a small sound come from the bed. "Evangeline? Is that you?"

The pile of sheets began to rustle. A low half-moan, half-mumbling sound emanated from the bed as the top of Evangeline's head poked out of the tangle of blankets. She squinted at her visitor before speaking up in a raspy voice.

"What?"

"Are you alright?" Chisame asked as she took a step into the room. She shivered. The room was a good deal colder than the rest of the house.

"I'm fine," Evangeline answered. Her voice was so scratchy that Chisame barely understood the words. "Go away." She disappeared back under the covers.

"Are you sure?" Chisame took another step forward. At first she had suspected that Chachamaru was just exaggerating Eva's condition, but now...there was just something off about Eva's voice.

"I'm fine." Eva's voice was muffled by the covers. "Leave me alone."

"You don't sound fine." Against all her instincts, Chisame took another step forward. There was definitely something wrong. Exactly what was wrong, Chisame couldn't tell, but Evangeline barely even sounded like herself. "Chachamaru is really worried about you. Are you sure that-"

"I'M FINE, DAMMIT!"

Chisame practically jumped backward as Evangeline sprang upright, throwing off the blankets. There was a clatter as Chisame backed into the door, inadvertently slamming it shut. Her eyes were clamped shut, as if it would somehow protect her from the wrath that was inevitably about to descend upon her. But it didn't. She hesitatingly opened her eyes, and her momentary fear evaporated as she saw Evangeline.

She had never seen Evangeline in this state before. The vampire girl's nightdress clung loosely to her body, drenched with cold sweat. Her hands trembled as they clasped the edges of the blanket. Her body shivered as she breathed in a series of shallow gasps. She glared at Chisame with red-rimmed eyes, trying her hardest to terrify the girl into backing out of the room.

But it failed. Something had sucked all the intimidation out of her. Chisame took a step forward. She had finally put her finger on what was so different. The girl in the bed was different from the terrifying sorceress that she was used to visiting. Chisame wasn't looking at the infamous Dark Evangel; she was looking at a ten-year-old girl who was trying her hardest to be threatening.

Any other time Chisame visited, Evangeline had had the act down; she was usually the immortal Queen of Darkness who just so happened to be caught in the body of a child. But something had broken her façade. It was almost impossible to believe that this was the same girl who had terrorized the magic world and subjected her classmates to that hellish training. It was totally impossible for Chisame to be frightened now. She strode forward and took a seat on the edge of the bed.

"There's no way that you're okay," Chisame said. She reached out a hand and laid it gingerly on Eva's shoulder. "I can tell. Can't you just tell me what's wrong?"

"...No." The word sounded as if it was stuck in Evangeline's throat. She curled herself up, hugging her legs and pressing her face into her knees. "Just go away..."

Part of Chisame wanted to obey, to get out and not have to deal with whatever was going on. But there was another tiny voice in the back of her head that forced her to stay. Chachamaru was right; something had reduced the boogeyman of the Magic World to a trembling little girl who looked afraid to leave her bed. Against all expectation, Chisame felt sorry for the girl.

"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me why you're..." She paused, not sure now to continue. "...like this. Listen, I realize that this is going to sound ridiculous coming from me of all people, but I'm worried about you. You aren't acting like yourself and I don't know why. I mean you're..." Chisame swallowed, barely believing what she was about to say. "You're my friend, okay? You're my friend, and it sucks having to see you like this. At the very least, can you just tell me what's wrong? I promise I won't tell anyone. Please."

"Fine."

"Huh?" Chisame leaned in, unsure of what she had heard.

"I'll tell you."

"R-really?" Chisame asked. She had expected more resistance.

Evangeline lifted her head enough for Chisame to see her eyes.

"I'll tell you, but you can't tell anyone else, okay?"

Chisame nodded.

"Okay."

Evangeline closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her voice sounded incredibly small as she laboriously forced the words out of her mouth.

"It's...it's my birthday."

"Huh?" Chisame couldn't think of anything else to say. Of all the possible responses that she could have gotten, that was quite far down the list of things that she had anticipated. It was so random and seemingly unrelated to anything that it bordered on absurd.

"Of course..." Eva mumbled. "You wouldn't know...I thought that one of them would have spilled it by now. I can't believe no one ever told you..."

"Told me what?"

"About how I became a vampire. Or when, I guess. I'm still not quite sure how it happened."

Chisame bit her lip. There were a multitude of questions bombarding her mind, but this wasn't the time to ask anything. All she could do was stare at Evangeline as she continued the story with a labored, uneven voice.

"I was turned on the night before my tenth birthday. I don't really remember any of it. I went to bed like I usually did, but when I..." She began to sputter; the words were sticking in her throat. "...when I woke up..."

Evangeline shivered as she turned away, clamping her eyes shut. She put a hand to her face to wipe away the tears that were starting to leak from her eyes. Her whole body shook as she swallowed, trying to fight the lump in her throat.

"Th-there was blood everywhere. I didn't know what had happened. I saw my parents. They...they were just lying there...there was so much blood...I-I must have..." She opened her eyes. Tears began to trickle down her cheeks as she stared at her hands. "The blood...was - it was on my hands...on my face...in my mouth...I can - I can still taste it..."

Chisame searched her mind frantically for something, anything that she could say. It was hopeless. What was a middle school student supposed to be able to do? She took a deep breath and slid her arm around the girl, giving her a gentle squeeze. With a strangled cry, Evangeline crumpled into Chisame's arms, sobbing into her shoulder.

"I miss them...I miss them...so much..."

The next day, Evangeline slowly stumbled her way down the stairs from her room into the kitchen. She still felt horrible, but today it was less due to inner turmoil and more due to the fact that she had a splitting headache. Chachamaru was bustling around the kitchen putting breakfast together. She stopped as Evangeline shuffled to the table.

"Oh, good morning, Mistress. Are you feeling better today?"

"I guess..." Eva groaned as she slumped into one of the chairs. She cocked her head to the side as she noticed the presence of a gift-wrapped package on the middle of the table, with an envelope resting on top of it. "What's that thing?"

"Chisame dropped it off this morning. She said it was for you."

"I see," Evangeline said as she snatched the envelope off the top of the package. She sliced it open with a fingernail and withdrew a card. Adorning the front of the card was the image of an exceptionally fluffy kitten wearing a party hat. She opened it to see a hastily scribbled note, just neat enough to be considered legible. She took a deep breath and began to read.

I have no idea what I should write, but after yesterday I felt like I had to do something. I can't even begin to understand all the crap that you've been through, but I figured I could try to make this birthday suck a little bit less than your others. Happy Birthday, Eva. I hope you can at least enjoy it a little.

Chisame

P.S. Sorry I couldn't get you a better card or present. It was all I could come up with on such short notice.

Evangeline hurriedly wiped a tear out of the corner of her eye before Chachamaru could notice. She stuffed the card back into the envelope and began to peel the wrapping paper off of the package.

"What is it?" Chachamaru asked.

"Cupcakes."

"Really?" Chachamaru peered into the now-open box, which did indeed contain a dozen chocolate cupcakes. "It was certainly nice of Chisame to bring you these."

"Yeah." Eva reached into the box, withdrew one of the cupcakes, and began to unwrap it. "I guess it was." She smiled for the first time that day before taking a bite.

Chapter 8.3: Chisame and Rakan

"You BITCH!" Chisame burst into her room and thrust an accusing finger at Asakura, who was busy rummaging through a drawer.

"Huh?" Asakura turned around, barely even phased by the fact that Chisame was quite obviously on the verge of attacking. She began to talk in a tone of voice not unlike a small child who had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. "What did I ever do to you to merit this degree of aggression?"

"Don't act innocent! You know exactly what you did!" Chisame shouted. She grabbed Asakura with one hand, and thrust a copy of The Mundus Lyre in her face with the other. "You did this!"

"Oh, right," Asakura said with an air of mock forgetfulness. Most of the front page was covered by a rather large photograph depicting Chisame and Jack Rakan, both dressed formally, sitting at a table in a popular Ostian restaurant well-known for its romantic atmosphere. The remainder of the page was filled with the massive headline "HERO AND IDOL: THE PERFECT COUPLE".

"I only went because the food was awesome and he offered to pay for it!" Chisame fumed. "It wasn't like we were on a date or anything! I've wanted to go to that restaurant ever since I heard about it. That's it."

"Please, don't even try that. I know all about you two." Asakura scoffed. "My room is right next to this one. I can hear both of you clear as day." She snorted as she tried to hold in a laugh. "How did it go again? 'Rakan Victory Press! Tooth of the Serpent!'" Asakura gave Chisame a sideways glance. "You kept me up until like three in the morning last night."

"Shut up," Chisame barked. Her faced was growing redder by the second. "It's not my fault that his ridiculous naming convention extends to his...techniques."

"But seriously, 'Rakan Penetrating Fang of a Thousand Hammers'? What does that even entail?"

"Shut up!" Chisame's eye began to twitch as she spoke. "I still want to know why you went and did this!" She held up the tabloid.

"Although, I guess I should be proud of you. Most girls wouldn't even be able to survive doing that with him. You're familiar with Larry Niven, right? He wrote this essay about-"

"Stop trying to change the subject, dammit!" Chisame screeched as she slammed the paper down on the table. "Why the hell did you publish this!-? You know that we're trying to keep the whole thing under wraps!"

"'We'?" Asakura asked. "I was under the impression that Jack couldn't care less about this sort of thing."

"He doesn't, but he still agreed to keep it a secret!" Chisame said. "Why would you go and print something like that?"

"I'm sorry! It was just like the perfect demi-human interest story!" Asakura answered. "I mean, ever since the whole 'saving the world' thing, Old World culture has been getting more and more popular! I mean, the Old World's most popular internet idol hooking up with one of Mundus Magicus' most famous heroes? That story practically prints money! I couldn't not do it!"

"I don't care! You've crossed the line from journalism to espionage! You have no sense of respect of people's privacy whatsoever!"

"What are you talking about? Of course I respect your privacy!"

"Is that why I came back to my apartment to find you digging through my underwear drawer?"

"Huh?" Asakura stared blankly at Chisame for a moment before looking down at the pile of panties that she had scattered across the floor. "Oh, that. I-uh...well, okay, I got a tip from an anonymous source, and I was investigating it. I should probably be going now."

"Yes, you probably should," Chisame said, folding her arms.

"Can I at least use the bathroom first?"

"Fine, just don't go digging around in any of the drawers or cabinets okay? And believe me, I'll know."

"Yeah, yeah, fine." Asakura wagged a hand at Chisame before disappearing into the bathroom.

"Dammit." Chisame rolled her eyes before stooping over to start picking up the underwear that Asakura had left everywhere. "One of these days I'm going to get my revenge on that girl," she whispered to herself. As she reached for another pair of panties, she heard the sound of a loud thud from outside. Then another. She looked up at the glass of water that was sitting on the dresser. The top of the water rippled ominously. "Oh crap, why does he have to show up now?"

"HONEY, I'M HOME!"

The entire building shook as the door flew open with enough force to leave an imprint on the brick wall behind it. Rakan breezed through the open aperture. As he saw Chisame, his face broke into a wide grin.

"Hey, girly! I gotta be down at the docks to christen a new airship in like an hour. We got time for some lovin' before I head out!"

"Not now, dammit!" Chisame shouted. She put her hands to her head, fighting the urge to pull out clumps of hair. Rakan was apparently oblivious to her consternation. Either that or he simply didn't see that as any reason not to do a bunch of hip thrusts.

"So what technique do you want me to do this time? Rakan's Tower Dance? Rakan Third Leg Kick? Or I could whip up a new-"

Chisame silenced the man with a flying knee to the face.

"Not in the mood, you jackass," Chisame said. "Asakura's in the bathroom now. No way am I getting it on with her even remotely nearby. When I got back, she was going through my-"

"Oh, that reminds me of something," Rakan said. Chisame grimaced as he shoved a hand into his pants and began to rummage around. "Take a look at this!" He whipped out a crumply newspaper. Chisame groaned. It was the same issue of the Lyre that Asakura had contributed to. "We made the front page! That's my...let's see...my 512th front page headline! I only need 87 more before I catch up to Nagi. He got a good head start back during the war, but every since he disappeared I've been catching up!"

"I thought you agreed that we were going to keep our little thing a secret!"

"Well, everybody around here knows anyway, so was only a matter of time before somebody blabbed. You'll get used to it eventually. Figured it was better to get that crap out of the way."

"Wait a minute-" Chisame said through gritted teeth. "You had a part in this, didn't you?"

Rakan's eyes darted back and forth for a moment before he answered the most overly emphatic voice he could muster.

"I have no idea what you're talking about!"

Chisame shook her head as she picked up her copy of the paper and gave the relevant article a closer look.

"What the hell!-? Why are you listed as a contributor!-?"

Rakan shrugged as he looked away.

"She knows the publisher. Told me she'd get me another half-dozen cover pages if I let the story go through."

"But why did you help her!-?" Chisame shouted. She glanced back at the paper. "You gave her a freaking interview!"

"She was gonna write the story anyway, so I figured I might as well give her a hand with it."

"You are such an idiot!" Chisame groaned. "Don't you realize what this- of course you don't know what that means. You're all well and good with the publicity, but what about me!-? I'm not going to be able to even go outside now without the magic paparazzi showing up everywhere!"

"Eh, they're not such a big deal," Rakan said with a shrug. "All you gotta do is just bust up their cameras and they'll leave you alone. I mean, just fart real good and it'll knock out all their equipment and they'll stay away for a while."

"No way in hell am I doing that! I'm a girl! Do you realize how big of a disaster it would be if they reported something like that!-? N-not that I would even be capable of such a disgusting thing..."

"I dunno about that, sometimes when you hit the can you've let out some winners." Jack gave a hearty laugh. "Like a tuba! Thpbbpbbpbbb-"

Once again, Chisame was forced to put an end to the stupidity via a knee to the face.

"Speaking of which…" Jack continued, rubbing the side of his head, "…isn't that girl still in the bathroom. She must have gotten some bad Mexican food or something."

"Mexican? There isn't any Mexico in this world! How is there Mexican food?"

"Somebody opened up a place down the road. Stuff from your world is getting pretty popular now. I was down there last week. Nice and spicy! Gotta be careful about that though. Burns just as much comin' out as it does goin' in."

"So it was you who destroyed the toilet!" Chisame said. She felt only a brief flash of surprise before realizing that it was really the only logical explanation for the fact that roughly a week ago her toilet had mysteriously melted. "You know what? You should just go. I'm starting to get a headache. I can't deal with this right now!"

"So no action?" Rakan said, once again beginning to do hip thrusts.

"No. No action." Chisame groaned. She didn't even want to bother kneeing him in the head again. It probably wouldn't help. "Maybe later. Just get out. I can't deal with both of you idiots at the same time." She attempted to shove him towards the door, but he utterly failed to move. "Out! Go!"

"Fine, fine. We'll just do it twice tomorrow."

"Whatever, just go!"

Chisame's eye twitched as she watched Jack amble out of the apartment. She grabbed the doorknob with the intent to close the door after him, but found it so embedded in the wall that she couldn't budge it. She put a foot against the wall next to the door and pulled with all the strength she could muster. The door popped free of the wall with a dull crunch. She sighed. Now she just had to get Asakura out and she would finally have some time to herself. Speaking of Asakura...

Chisame could hear a low sound coming through the bathroom door. As she moved closer, she could make out the familiar sound of Asakura's psychotic laughter. The only time she ever laughed like that was when something made her very, very happy.

What the heck is she laughing about? There's nothing in the bathroom that she'd be interested in. Just the cabinet full of toilet paper, my tooth brush, and the trash ca- oh shit.

She pounded on the door.

"What the hell are you doing in there? You were snooping around in the cabinets, weren't you?"

Her assault on the bathroom stopped as she heard the click of the door being unlocked. It opened with a slow creak, revealing Asakura. The look on her face was that of a person who had just won the lottery. Or several lotteries.

"No, no, I didn't look in any cabinets," she said. "I was just taking my time, listening to you guys putting on your show."

"Is that what you're so happy about?"

"Oh, no. That was just some entertainment. Nothing I could write a decent story about. No, I'm happy because I noticed something in the bottom of your trash can..." Chisame's face went white as paper as Asakura held up a small, white, plastic stick. "This is yours, isn't it?"

Chisame bit her lip and forced herself to nod. The smile on Asakura's face became even more impossibly wide. She glanced at the object in her hand, noting the markings on it.

"Looks like it's positive," Asakura said. She reached a hand and put it on Chisame's shoulder. "I suppose congratulations are in order...Mom."

.

Okay, first off, I apologize for only having three sections. I had originally planned for four, but it ended up taking so long that I decided to just leave it at three because otherwise it would be another week before I updated. Also, I think the chapter is long enough as is. I realize that there really isn't too much shipping-esque interaction with Chisame in the chapter as a whole. I intended there to be a more "normal" shipping story in there that was a more basic "Chisame and X" kind of thing, but it got cut for time. Maybe next time.

8.1: Okay I realize that Chisame technically doesn't appear at all in this section, and that it's really long, but the story sort of spiraled out of control. I had originally intended for the "underwear analysis" thing to just be a brief joke, but the ideas just kept coming and it ended up being the focal point of the section. I found it amusing and I liked the way the whole thing got sort of blown out of proportion. Looking back on it, I probably should have tried to reduce the number of characters. Yue and Nodoka don't really need to be there, but I didn't feel like rewriting the entire section. And we got Haruna flipping up Nodoka's skirt out of it, so it wasn't all bad.

8.2: This was the hardest section to write, mainly because it was intensely difficult to balance. On one hand, Eva's past is pretty damn traumatizing, but on the other hand, I really wanted to avoid any extreme melodrama. I think it works out okay, although it's probably a bit of a whiplash after the absurdity of section one. On another note, when I posted this section on the TVtropes Negima fanfiction board, it inspired a brief compilation fic on the Ala Iridia account, called Eva's Birthday Notes. So go check that out.

8.3: Okay, I know this doesn't live up to all the expectations for Chisame/Rakan. It's by far the most requested pairing, so hopefully at least a few people like how I've handled it. Also, I discovered that Rakan is actually really tough to write correctly. Outside of his over-the-topness, there's a certain vibe he gives off, and I'm not sure that I quite nailed it. The story will obviously continue, but I liked ending it where I did. ;p

Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed this. Reviews are very much appreciated, as always.

Thanks for reading!