Disclaimer: I own nothing. All characters and stories belong to NBC and Dick Wolf.

A/N: I'm exploring Alex/Olivia and Casey/Olivia, and then just random stories that involve only Olivia. This one is Alex/Olivia post Wrath. Please review. Thanks. Love, Lawabidingchild.

Near Me

I sit in my apartment, trembling. I can still feel the gun blow in my hands. I can smell the smoke emerging from the barrel after it was fired. I smell the same air the bullet penetrated through. In short, I can feel the crime I committed.

He had a gun to her head, I tell myself in hopeless comfort. It doesn't work. Something like that never does, no matter how much I try and make it work. I can feel the lone tear tracing the left side of my face. I make no move to brush it off. It serves as a template for future tears.

There is a knock at my door that I choose to ignore. I heard a knock there earlier today, as well. I'll ignore it, I told myself, it's probably Elliot anyway. I really don't want to talk to that prick right now. I heard a second knock. I continue to ignore the door. I don't want to answer it. I feel like a complete fool; like anyone who comes near me might end up hurt.

The third knock was followed by someone's voice. "Come on, Liv," ordered a soothing voice. "It's me. Open up."

That sweet voice is all the more reason not to open the door. Alex, go home. I'm not worth it. I just don't...is the beginning of what I want to say to her. "Liv, I'm gonna kick this door wide open if you don't open it yourself," she yelled in anger.

I obliged her, but as soon as she walked in, I was back on the couch in my original fetal position. "Liv, honey, I know that this was difficult for you, but none of it was your fault," said Alex, trying to comfort me.

It didn't work. "If I hadn't been so intent on arresting him seven years ago, I could have prevented any of this. I could've-."

"We all make mistakes," Alex said, in a pathetic attempt to sooth me.

"I could've prevented all those people from dying," I argued.

"You saved one tonight, Liv," she told me.

I rolled my eyes at that. Nothing could erase the image of myself tonight. "You should leave, Alex," I suggested. Well...it wasn't a suggestion. It was more like a direct order.

"I'm not going to," she told me.

"Why?" I asked. "I killed a man! You should be afraid of me!" My eyes were pooling with hot tears, but I bit them back in distastful anger. How can she stand there and not listen to me?

"I'm not," she said sternly. "I would be afraid of you if you killed him for the sake of killing someone. You didn't do that. You saved someone else's life by killing him."

"Alex-."

"Liv, you can either shut me out and chase me away or let me in and help you," Alex told me. "I want to help you. I want to help you because I love you."

Instead of screaming something stupid and risking the loss of the one I love forever, I bore my eyes into hers. She opened her arms invitingly. I didn't know what I wanted. Did I want her to hold me or leave.

In the end I stood up and walked right into those inviting arms. I placed my head on her shoulder so my hair rested at the nape of her neck. She rubbed my back and placed kisses in my hair. I just let my tears soak her blouse as I cry in her arms.

I just need her near me.