Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Touhou characters, settings or any other original material created by ZUN or any other affiliates. All Touhou copyrights belong to their respective owners.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. This is a brand new story featuring Suika as the protagonist. I believe I did discuss the possibility of writing one in the finale of A Blade in the Grass, for those of you who read that. And so this sprang to my mind. It's a largely humour fic as opposed to romance fic, and I have NO plans on pairing Suika with anyone for the time being. Things may change, but no plans as of yet.

Also, take note: I do not endorse excessive drinking. Enjoy.

Ch. 1: BrAC 100

"Hey, Suika! Hey!" a gentle, dreamy voice at the light at the end of a tunnel called out to her, gently lifting her up, up, up though and out of the tunnel, into a sky filled with candy clouds. A wondrous sense of floating, of freedom, of breeziness. Suika looked down. She did not have her skirt on… So that's why it felt so free, so comfortable. She should go commando more often… Or did that refer to something else? Nghhh… her bloomers felt uncomfortable too. Maybe she should take those off, but she was afraid one of the giant purple crabs around her might just steal it and add it to the giant fortress they were building to conquer Paris and London, as a teleporter maybe… And she needed them, for uh… something… She was sure she would be barred entry into Nirvana with her blouse on too, or was it off? Maybe she will take it off… it was hot… it was so hot… was it always so hot under the sea…?

"Suika!" A clap of thunder boomed off in the distance, followed by an incoming torrential tsunami, carrying with it wave after wave of sparkling sake… Damn, the party was already starting, and she had yet to finish processing her passport… I can't go into the party without my passport… Oh well… Suika opened her mouth to welcome in the wonderful alcohol… she would collect the golden woks later… the final boss could wait…

"SUIKA!"

"Huh? Wha- Gah! Cough, sputter, cough!" Suika's heavy eyelids flew open as she spat out unfamiliar tasting fluid that had somehow flooded her mouth. That was NOT sake! Standing above her was a very cross looking Hakurei Reimu, holding in her hand a pail whose contents she had apparently emptied on Suika.

"Cough, cough… Reimu! What did you just pour on me!" Suika demanded, and attempted to sit up, but then wearily fell back on her back. Her head felt just awful…

"Water…" Reimu replied dryly.

"Water? What's that…? Oh…" Ugh, did water always taste like that? Suika had not drunk it often enough to know. It tasted so devoid of… alcohol.

"Sigh… Suika, lunch is ready," Reimu said the familiar line. "Come find me in the dining room when you've finally got yourself together."

"O-Okay…" Suika finally managed to groggily sit up. How much did I drink anyway? It takes a lot to get me drunk… Oh! Suika pressed her skirt in between and down her legs as she realized that she had removed her bloomers…

"Sigh… How are you feeling, Suika?" asked Reimu, seated on the Tatami at the Japanese-styled table. On it were a few humble home-cooked dishes and steaming rice.

"I-I'm fine…" Suika stumbled and tottered to the table. Her Oni of a liver was already clearing up most of the mess in her blood, but she was still a tad bit tipsy.

"Sigh…" Reimu looked at the Oni slowly fumbling her way to the table. Ibuki Suika was a petite and slender, long brown haired Oni, with two large horns protruding from her head. She was dressed in her usual getup, a small, sleeveless blouse with frayed edges and a red tie. A large, purple skirt. And chains. Chains hanging from her wrists, as well as her one acting as a braid for her ponytail.

Chains that Suika was dangerously flailing around with ease as she made her way to the table. Sitting down, she smiled a little tipsily at Reimu, said "Itadakimasu!" and dug into the meal.

The brunette, red-white miko next to her shook her head disapprovingly. Each day was the same routine. Suika would knock herself out with drink. Reimu would rouse her for meals. Suika would then promptly knock herself out again. And so this alternation of A and B would continue… Reimu sometimes really wanted to chase Suika out of the house, but Suika always claimed she had no place to go.

Just how did Suika end up freeloading in her house anyway? Well, at least she was a low maintenance pet. You just had to make sure the house rules are well enforced. Such as no partying, for instance. Suika's parties were wild, and that was an understatement.

"Reimu," Suika said, gesturing to the food. "Come on! Eat! It's getting cold."

"Heh… Alright Suika…" Reimu started eating as well. At least Suika was a sincere companion. She was funny, and she was honest and straight with everyone. Although those are the usual traits of someone whose mental capacity has been retarded with litre upon litre of alcohol… Reimu looked over to the loli oni happily eating away.

"Hey, Suika."

"Yah, Reimu?"

"When are you going to go out and get a life?"

"I would, but you won't let me."

"No, I mean, outside of partying and drinking."

"There's a life outside of partying and drinking?" Suika asked, eyes wide open.

"T'ch… Whatever…" Reimu gave up.

"No, no, no," Suika asked, "Why did you suddenly bring that up, Reimu?"

"Just concerned for you," Reimu said honestly.

"Oh! Ooah?" Suika narrowed her eyes and smiled naughtily at Reimu. "Reimu's concerned for me? Oh, dear Reimu, you could have just asked if you wanted my affection-"

"Shut it, flattie," Reimu dismissed Suika's attempt to jar her.

"Humph! You're always using that insult when you want to shut me up!" Suika said loathingly. "You're not much better!" she fired back, referencing Reimu's by far relatively ample chest.

"At least I require a sarashi…" Reimu responded with ease.

"Grrr… You! Sigh…" Suika rested her head with her heavy horns on the table in defeat. Then she sat up, patted her ironing board of a chest, then started fingering her horns wistfully. "My horns are so large… I wonder if I could transfer some of the mass from them to my chest?" she asked.

Reimu chuckled as Suika continued to stare pleadingly at her horns to somehow do something. This was but one of the many random conversations Reimu rather enjoyed having with Suika. If only she did not constantly free load at her house… and get herself drunk… and utter strange, scary and perverse things while she was drunk…

"Well, Suika, I'll be leaving early morning tomorrow. I have a task to take care of in the human village, so watch over the house and shrine for me, okay?" Reimu asked.

"Okay," Suika replied nonchalantly.

"Suika… Watch over the house for me!" Reimu pressed for a more convicted reply.

"Okay! Okay! I'll look after it," Suika said a little more seriously. "And I won't wreck it, I promise," she added in response to Reimu's gaze.

"Thanks," said Reimu, and the two finished up with their dinner and wrapped up the day.

Alright, so that's the first chapter. Largely an introduction of my portrayal of Suika. I hope I made her lively enough (for drunkard standards… heh…)

Oh, and just let me clariy something. This does NOT take place in the same universe as my first two stories, so portrayals and pairings and whatever else is subject to change at my discretion. Although I do have several fixed preferences, but who knows? Since this story is about a drunkard, crack pairings may appear…

…Or maybe not. I'm not the drunk one…