NEIN. (a 9 parody)

Part I

We had such potential...such promise...

But that damn Chancellor stole all of my Tinker Toys...and my Lincoln logs...

But no matter...plushies are so much better. So, 9, I am creating you.

Our world is ended...life must go on...

The old, three story building had been abandoned for over 50 years; the wood growing warped and dusty with age as the smoke and debris from the Plushie-Tinker war settled upon the ruined landscape. The country of Germany had never been the same since Chancellor von Shmuck had unleashed a terrible machine upon the masses...a machine with a name worse than Candlejack..so terrible people have dissapeared jus

A light evening breeze blew through the open window of the highest floor of the house, blowing aside printouts of video game cheats and pages of porno magazines to reveal a shiny gold device, engraved with strange alchemical symbols and containing four tresses, one of which was tied to the wrist of a sock monkey dangling lifelessly in the device. The plushie too swayed in the wake of the breeze, it's blank optics catching briefly the grungy light from outside.

This doll, aptly named 9 (The Scientist had originally said "NEIN", which was the German word for "no", when asked if he had wanted to make a 9th sock monkey...but his assistants were even older than he was, so...) was the 9th in a series of plushies that seemingly contained the answer to settling the twenty-year long feud between the Scientist and von Schmuck...the one that was to be most knowledgeable. He probably even had the cure for cancer in that processor of his...

Suddenly, the cord supporting 9 snapped, and the doll tumbled to the ground, hitting into every single one of the Scientist's failed inventions on the way down: The Noob Stick, the Hurr-Durrifier, and the Look-a-Shiny-O-Matic; before landing directly beneath the device...on his head.

Goddamnit.

Agonizing moments passed before the doll opened his optics, blinking once, twice from the light that assaulted his sensitive photo receptors (and not to mention his noggin hurt rather badly). As he began to sit up, his hand unconsciously went up to his optics...and to a noob, a hand was indeed a rather fascinating thing. 9 sat there and played with his fingers for quite some time, absolutely mesmerized by how well they caught the sunlight through the slats in the closed window next to the desk, before another gust of wind blew in, rustling more of the Scientist's important documents below.

Curious, 9 waved bye-bye with his other hand and peered over the side of the desk, trying to puzzle out the source of such an irritating noise that was interrupting his play time. However, the sock monkey was absolutely horrified to see the shriveled, dead body of the Scientist lying on the floor...facedown in hundreds of issues of Playboy and TV Guides. He recoiled, hitting his head on the Noob Stick one more time before he noticed a small, shiny object next to the device where he was born.

Oooh, look, 9 couldn't help but think. I haven't the slightest clue what that is...so let me just pull it out for safe keeping! And so he did; and the Talisman came free without so much as a protest. 9 stared at it for a while, running his fingers over the copper surface (and telling his new hand-buddy all about it), before he looked up to the closed window just above the desk. Maybe someone out there can tell me what this is...

It was very difficult for 9 to walk at first...the motion of his leg was a little bit too much for him to think about; especially when he had to walk over those pesky pornos (though he couldn't say he felt discoraged when he fell down). However, with encouragement from Mr. Hand (and a little bit of his own BRAIN POWERZ), soon 9 was standing in front of the shades, which were quivering from the breeze fighting to get inside. He cocked his head to the side, using both of his hands to push out on the door hinges...and braced himself for what he might find beyond the Scientist's lair...