Disclaimer: I used to own supernatural, the boys, the Impala and everything else on the show. But then, the men in white gave me my meds and I had to take them.

Summary: Sam thinks about his letting Dean turn into a vampire. Spoilers for 6x05.

A/N: I've read a lot of stories flying around about 6x05. Most of them are from Dean's POV. the rest show that Sam is not Sam, but some kind of monster or his soul is missing. I don't buy any of that. The writers took a bold step by having Sam cross the line. Any explanation that its not really Sam, would be a cheap trick. The only excuse for his behavior I'm ready to accept is the Demon blood he ingested. It has already been foreshadowed by Castiel that it would change Sam for ever. Right now, there is something seriously wrong with Sam. This is my attempt to get into his head and try to find something salvageable there.

What had he done? Oh God, what the hell had he done?

He'd let his own brother become a vampire. His own flesh and blood, the one person he cared more for in his entire life, the one person who'd been there for him through thick and through thin. He'd condemned Dean to become a monster, one of the things they hunt. What was wrong with him? And now Dean was gone. Escaped through the bathroom window. If Dean killed someone while he was out there, he'd never forgive himself. And if he found out that Sam had let him be turned, he'd never forgive Sam. Well, he wouldn't find out now, would he? He'd be dead.

Wait. Calm down. Deep breaths. He shouldn't get ahead of himself. This was Dean they were talking about. No matter how annoying and easily distracted he was during hunts, no matter how naïve and simple he was while dealing with monsters, there was one thing Sam could depend upon. Dean would always, unfailingly do the right thing.

That was the key to the whole plan. Dean would always do the right thing. Sam hadn't planned for this. When he'd decapitated the pretty-boy vampire in the men's room, this brilliant plan had occurred to him. They needed someone to infiltrate the group of vampires. So why not one of them? It would be temporary. Samuel had a cure. Sam had thought about licking some of the vampire blood off his machete, but he hadn't wanted to jump the gun. Dean would never buy a vampire trying to turn a hunter sporting a machete. And besides, Dean would probably chop off his head as soon as he heard the news. No, he had to play his cards right. He'd bring up the topic of the cure tonight, so Dean would know there was a way out. Tomorrow night he'd find a vampire to turn him or if it came to worst, he'd ingest some blood off the machete. Dean would never let him die, not if there was a chance he could turn Sam back and Sam would take the chance to infiltrate the group, under the pretext of searching for the vampire who turned him. Even if Dean figured it out in the end, well, it was Sam's life. He could do whatever he wanted with it.

That was the plan. And when he'd walked into the alleyway and seen Dean being attacked, he'd initially rushed to his rescue as was his first instinct. But a thought stopped him. This was better. This was so much better. Samuel would never think that Dean had turned on purpose, since Dean didn't know about the cure. And Sam knew that he would never last holding out for blood. HE knew he had problems with addiction. He'd heard about the intense cravings of freshly born vampires. Sam knew himself well enough to realize that he would lose the battle to bloodlust. But Dean was strong. Dean was the strongest person Sam knew. If anyone could do it, it was Dean. Now he just had to convince Dean to keep his head till Samuel got there.

So much for the best laid plans. Now Dean was gone and Sam was close to freaking out. What if Dean lost it? No, this was Dean. Strong, reliable Dean. He would never give in to temptation . He'd never kill a human being to satiate his bloodlust.

"You don't have to kill a person to drink blood anymore." A traitorous thought comes to his head. "Remember the blood banks. Dean can probably smell them from here. He has probably gone to satisfy his last craving before you chop his head off."

No, Dean wouldn't do that. Because that would be wrong and Dean always does the right thing.

"But the right thing in this case is to kill himself. What if that's what he's doing?"

No, Dean wouldn't do that either. He's counting on Sam or Samuel to the job. He has probably just gone to some quiet place. Away from all the noise and lights and smells. He would come back when he felt ready to die and they would give him the good news then. That he's going to live.

And if he has drunk blood before coming back, Sam thought, well he'd have to die. Sam wondered why he wasn't more horrified at the idea. This was his brother's life he was thinking about. Even if it came to that, there was always Cas. He could bring Dean back to life. Nothing he hadn't done before. And if Cas failed them, there was Crowley. That son-of-bitch owed them big time. And if worst came to worst, he could always go looking for Balthazar. There had to be something in the heaven's arsenal that could bring a person back.

"And is that fails -"Sam's breathing became faster. He didn't know what he'd do if that failed. Calm down. Don't get ahead of yourself. Everything would be fine. Don't be weak.

Don't be week. That had been Sam's motto for some time now. Ever since that fateful night when he'd discovered that his brother had sold his soul from him. He had lost everything that night. He'd lost Jess, his father had died a pointless death and now Dean was going to go to hell because he had been too weak to kill Jake when he had the chance. Ever since then, he'd decided, if wanted to protect what he had from the monsters, he'd have to be stronger, colder, more efficient – a better hunter.

And now he finally was. It might have be the demon blood he'd consumed before going for Lucifer that brought about this change in him. It might have been his time in hell. It might have been Lucifer himself, showing him how much he liked taking control over his life and getting vengeance on those who had manipulated him. But he was stronger now. He had become a very good hunter. He could make hard decisions swiftly and rationally without letting emotions cloud his judgment. Like he had made this one. He had seen what the best course of action was and taken it without hesitation. Now was not the time to have regrets or doubts. He had to believe in Dean, in all the ways his brother hadn't believed in him. He had made a judgment call and he would stand by it.

It was a judgment call and it had paid off. Dean was alright, back to his old human self, they had more information about the alpha and the upcoming war and the whole nest of vampires had been slaughtered. Things couldn't have gone better if he had ingested the blood himself. HE was right in believing in Dean and he was right in believing in himself. He had made a good call back there.

He doubted that Dean would see it that way. Dean always let emotions cloud his judgment. He did look a little suspicious though. Did he know something? Nah- Dean would have taken out his gun and shot him by now. Dean could only perceive this as betrayal, not as a piece of brilliant strategy it was. Still, Dean's suspicions were troubling. He didn't want to be locked in Bobby's panic room, now that there was nothing wrong with him. Maybe he should have done a better job of freaking out after Dean got turned. Maybe he should have paced up and down in frenzy to get his heart rate up. Or maybe he should have told Dean about the cure before. That would have explained why he wasn't freaking out. It would have probably kept Dean there till Samuel arrived. It would have even allayed Samuel's suspicions. Or maybe he just seemed to eager to get information after they got Dean back. Maybe he should have spent more time asking about his brother's health and well-being. Dean seemed to crave these pointless displays of affections.

That's what they were- pointless. Dean was alright, because he could see that Dean was alright. And it wasn't as if they hadn't put each-others lives in danger before. It wasn't as if they hadn't used each-other as bait before. It wasn't like they hadn't used each-other as spies to infiltrate enemy camp before. Why, Dean had used him to infiltrate Lucifer- beat him from inside out. I fairness- it was Sam's idea and Dean had been vocally against it, but he had gone with it all the same. And they had succeeded. Just like this one. Dean should know by now that Sam loved him. Loved him more than anything else in the world. He should know that Sam would never do anything to put his life at risk, not unless he was absolutely, positively sure that Dean would make it in one piece. Sam didn't have to prove anything. This wasn't a gamble he took on Dean's life. It was a calm, calculated judgment call.

And a good one too.

A/N: There it is. I think I got Sam perfectly in this one. He is broken and twisted inside and still thinks he is doing the right thing. Plus he's got all these twisted justifications in his mind for them all. He also knows they probably wouldn't work on others, but explains it to himself as "They wouldn't understand". Two things I'm not sure of. Did demon blood that Sam drank really change him into something different like Cas said it would? And how much Sam still love his brother? We know he doesn't care much for him, but maybe in that twisted mind there is actual love present. I there is, I believe he can be saved.