Lord of Empires Online

Eager to try an online civilization game England told him about, America finds himself in a bit of a pickle as he and the others attempt to rule the server. Cracky fic.

A/N

Uh… I got bored? Again? Okay, okay, the serious answer is that I've been in a terrible writing slump lately, and I need something light-hearted to start myself back up again. So, well, here it is. The plot is inspired by a short conversation that was about as follows;

Me: The only reason I started playing this game was because of the sexy ads. So far I haven't seen one endangered queen. ;.;

Friend: I told you Evony sucked.

Me: Damn right it does. I'm bored. Time to watch some Hetalia! :3

Friend: I bet they'd have a natural affinity for Civilization games. Being countries and all.

Me: …Screw re-watching episodes, to Microsoft Word I go!

Friend: Wait, what?

And here I am now! So, well, enjoy. Note that I just completely made up the game. However, if it were real, I firmly believe it'd be awesome. XD Mostly because it being real would mean it would be my idea, and I'm a terribly conceited person. What can I say?

Sitting at home with his laptop out, Alfred typed in the address England had given him during the lunch break of the last World Conference. The game had sounded entertaining when he heard about it, and from what he understood, there were a bunch of nations already playing it on server 47. Not wanting to pass up the chance to kick all of their butts in both reality (well, at least he felt that way) and the virtual world, he'd been eager to begin as quickly as possible so he could start building up his empire.

Reading the tutorial on the home page, the game seemed fairly simple. When he first clicked start, he was asked to choose a username. Unfortunately, 'Hero,' was already taken, as were 'Superhero,' 'Megahero,' 'Awesomehero,' and 'Uberhero.'

Alright, looks like I have to pick out something else, he thought, thinking hard. 'Superduperhero,' he typed in, smiling with delight when it turned out to be available. After filling in a password, he was prompted to name what would start out as a village. Repeats being fine for the name of the civilizations, he didn't have to worry about whether someone else had already picked it out. The field read, 'The Village of,' with a blank after it for him to fill in. So, the virtual Village of America was born.

There was a selection box below that. 'Village Specialty.' The nation looked at his options, the text nearby saying that his specialty would influence what resources he started out with. "I'm Lord of the Fast Food," he said, grinning arrogantly at the screen. "Farming it is." Not only could he keep his village alive, he could sell off excess and use the money to build up a military. Ah, yes, a beautiful, powerful, enormous military… As far as America was concerned, it was a flawless plan. All he would have to worry about was being captured while his military was still weak… No problem. He'd just have to work quickly.

Finally, he clicked the play button.

He was greeted with a bird's-eye view of a lush little village. Let's see what I've got to start with. A coastal village with two farms, three generic huts, and one Chief's Hut.

The nation got to work immediately. Within the first half an hour of play, he'd expanded to the point where he'd upgraded to Town status. A little bubble popped up in front of the screen.

" 'Congratulations, you have made it through your first half an hour as a nation,' " he read out loud. "Heh, England never praised me for surviving a half an hour. He doesn't even praise me now! 'Be wary, for you are now visible to other players.' Psh, I'm so scared," he snorted, clicking out of the bubble. "Like someone's gonna attack me right after I-"

Another bubble popped up.

You have received a PM.

He blinked curiously, and opened it up.

And immediately swore in seven different languages.

You have been invited to join the Empire of Russia!

"Fucking commie!" he growled reflexively, it being the first insult he associated with the nation even after all the years that had passed since then. Below the automated message was a message from Ivan himself.

TheSunflowerLord: England told me you'd be joining us, America!

He furiously typed in a reply.

Superduperhero: How the hell did you figure out it was me, and why are you using an English username?

TheSunflowerLord: One, your username makes it fairly obvious, and two, the game would not accept cyrillic letters. As such, I decided to translate it.

Superduperhero: Like hell I'm joining you.

TheSunflowerLord: I am afraid you have no choice, America. We can do this the easy way, in which you peacefully surrender and enjoy the benefits of being on my side, or I can conquer you and take that lovely piece of land for myself.

Superduperhero: Go fuck yourself, commie. I'd sooner die than join you, virtual world or not!

TheSunflowerLord: That is indeed a shame. Only one account is allowed per IP address, and upon being conquered, your little town will be afforded far less freedom than you would if you just became one with Russia on your own.

Well, that outed the 'start a new account' idea.

Superduperhero: …Fuck you.

You have accepted the invitation to join the Empire of Russia!

TheSunflowerLord: I am glad you have come to your senses. I will tell the others the good news immediately!

Superduperhero: Wait, what?

With a frown, America changed the 'Display Name' in his account settings for both him and Russia to make it easier for him to remember who was who. While their usernames would remain the same, the other nation would appear as 'Russia' when they exchanged messages. Plus, he was getting pissed at himself for picking a username that made who he was so obvious to the others.

Another private message arrived in his inbox about the terms of the merger.

The Empire of Russia has decreed the following:

Below was a series of percentages about how much he would be taxed money-wise and the amount of extra resources that would be taken away. It's like being a fucking colony all over again, the nation thought, eye twitching. Well, I got through such a situation once, and I can sure as hell do it again. The moment I finish building an effective military, I go independent, baby! Another private message was sent to him.

MasterCook: America! There you are!

America: France?

MasterCook: No, you git! It's England!

America: Oh, Iggy! Sorry, your username is horribly misleading. Great to see you, dude! Anyway, listen, I've just been forced into joining Russia. Mind helping me out of a tight spot?

Several minutes passed with no reply. While he waited, he changed his older brother's display name.

America: Iggy, dude, you there?

England: Right, sorry. I'm afraid I couldn't keep myself from laughing.

America: It's not funny, man! How do I get out of this thing?

England: You can secede at any time. You'll find the option in your account settings under the 'Alliances' section.

America: He'll just conquer me! I'm a farming town, I don't have the money for a military yet!

England: You didn't start with a military town? I'm afraid that's suicide on an established server.

America: Fuck you! Can't you do something? Send me some gold? (Don't you dare say what I know you're thinking.)

England: Unfortunately, I find myself in a similar situation with France. The bloody wanker formed an alliance with me, only to stab me in the back once his military got strong enough.

America: LOL! I thought you guys still hated each other with a passion.

England: He had the ore I needed to build a chapel! Now if you don't mind, stop botching my language with your filthy "chatspeak."

America: Consider yourself lucky that im not tieping liek tis. XD 'sides, I speak American, not English.

England: I won't even bother trying to correct you at this point.

America: Hey, Iggy, your profile says you have spare medical supplies. Can we set up a trade route?

England: Very well. Send an offer.

Much to Alfred's disdain, he learned that the offer had to be approved by Ivan while he was under the empire's rule.

Russia: Rejected. If you need supplies, simply ask me, da?

America: Dude, not cool! You're taxing me half to death already!

Russia: If I did not, you'd have the money to build up a military. Once you can protect yourself, what will I hold over your head to control that tiny little town of yours?

America: I'm a city now, damn it!

Russia: The point still stands. I am no fool, America. Your plan is to leave me once you can take care of yourself, da?

America: No shit, Sherlock.

Russia: In that case, seeing as you have just proven my suspicions true, I think you are due for a tax increase.

America: Damn you to hell.

He wasn't doing very good at the game so far.

England: You there, Alfred?

America: Yeah; Ivan won't let me open up a trade route with you.

England: Ah, well, it's only a game.

America: I know it's just a game! It's just reminding me of the days where it was a reality!

England: Oh, come now. I wasn't as bad as you make me out to be in those history books of yours. You keep portraying me as so overbearing when any reasonable person would find nothing wrong with my methods.

America: I don't remember any history books describing how you cruelly poisoned me with your lousy cooking.

England: You little git!

America: ROFL!

England: Anyway, I'll add you to my friends list.

America: Me, too. Hey, which player is France?

England: Him? He's HommedelaDame.

America: Ooh! Ooh! I can translate that! Umm… Give me a moment.

England: You take such pride in having people from virtually all over the world in your country. Tell me, why is it that one who would clearly benefit from being multilingual remains unable to speak anything but his own language?

America: Fuck you.

England: Impressive, I didn't see that insult coming. :P

America: Hey, I need some Silver Ore for my barracks. Do you mind?

England: I don't have any. Try asking Prussia. He's Überwältigend.

There was more display name changing.

America: Hey, Prussia! Help a fellow out?

Prussia: England already told me. Ha, I'd tell Germany, but he isn't playing 'cause he thinks it's a stupid game.

America: Right, whatever. Do you mind, dude?

Prussia: Ich denke nicht, dass ich Ihnen helfen werde.

America: Yeah, yeah, we all know it's fun to tease the guy who doesn't understand other languages. -.- Just translate it already, asshole.

Prussia: Fine. X3 I don't think I'll be helping you. It's too amusing to watch you squirm!

America: Not cool!

Prussia: Of course, if you join the Empire of Prussia, I might be inclined to keep you safe. I'm having a food shortage over here because I don't have a farming town.

America: Fuck all of you.

You have seceded from the Empire of Russia.

You have been invited to join the Empire of Prussia.

You have joined the Empire of Prussia.

Prussia: I'm so glad you see it my way! Ooh, I get to pick taxes now? Sweet!

America: I thought you were on my side!

Prussia: Aww, are you going to run back to your sunflower friend?

Meanwhile, he got another private message.

Russia: This distresses me, Alfred. It truly does.

America: Better anyone than you, commie bastard.

The Empire of Russia has attacked the Empire of Prussia.

Prussia: Ha, nice try. I have the Holy Hen! My soldiers get a morale boost!

Meanwhile, while they were distracted with the war-system, Alfred quickly left the Empire of Prussia and began expanding further. It didn't seem like either of them noticed, and he was finally able to build up his army. After about an hour of work, he was close to the Empire status. Just one more level to go…

You have been invited to join the Empire of Britain!

America: How the hell did you get away from France?

England: I upgraded my Unholy Relics while he wasn't paying attention and destroyed his army. Join up?

America: I'm going to kill you slowly and painfully. You know that, right?

England: Oh, fine. Because I'm such a gentleman, we can form an alliance instead.

You have been invited to form an alliance with the Empire of Britain!

America: That'll work. Hey, I'll trade you some of the Silver Ore I got from Prussia for a relic.

England: Done. It'll take five minutes to build.

RisingSun has requested to join the conversation.

America: Kiku!

RisingSun: That is correct. I see you're doing well.

America: Hang on, let me change your display name. Anyway, is China playing?

Japan: What makes you think I know where he is?

America: He's your older brother? I mean, England pisses me off sometimes, but here he is.

England: Ha-ha.

America: See? Now, where's China?

Japan: He's not playing. The game is censored in his country. :3

America: ROFL!

England: Would you like to join our alliance, Japan?

Japan: I will think about it.

America: Oh, for the love of… If you don't want to, just say so, dude!

Japan: No, I really mean it this time! I have to consult Greece on the matter, you see. He's my ally at the moment, but I think he's fallen asleep on his keyboard, seeing as the last message he sent me was a string of gibberish.

You have reached Empire level!

America: Oh, hell yeah! I'm empire level now!

England: Bloody hell! How'd you get there so fast?

America: Because I'm the United States of freaking America, baby!

England: In other words, you piggy-backed off of Russia and Prussia while you were under their control and used the resources you had after leaving to your advantage?

America: Come on, putting it that way makes it sound so much less heroic!

England: Git.

Japan: Ah, Greece has woken up. I will inquire about our potential alliance immediately.

America: I wonder how Russia and Prussia are doing. They were fighting when I left 'em.

England: I wouldn't know; I'm too busy stomping on France. :D

The Empire of Russia has attacked the Empire of America.

America: Fuck! :O England, dude, back me up?

England: Very well, since you're clearly incapable of doing it on your own.

America: Hey, wait a minute, he has an alliance with Prussia! When did that happen?

He blinked at the private message from the aforementioned person.

Prussia: Thought you could leave while my back was turned? You thought wrong!

You are now allied with the Empire of Japan!

You are now allied with the City of Greece!

England: Why is Greece only a city?

Japan: He keeps falling asleep at the computer.

Greece: vbffffhyuy7uxfxbfvvvvvvvvn

America: Okay, let's take these guys on with all we've got!

Japan: Agreed.

England: Hey, wait a minute, they're allied with the Empire of China?

America: WTF? I thought you said they censored this game in his country!

Japan: …He sent me a private message. He's visiting Russia and allied with him in exchange for use of the computer.

America: Fuck! Well, it's still four on three, right?

Japan: Three on three, until Greece wakes up.

England: They just formed an alliance with Korea.

Japan: Oh dear. T-T

America: Come on, get France to join us!

England: Like hell I will!

Japan: They just became allies with France, too.

America: Shiiiiit! Send all spare gold to the barracks!

Greece: Ah, what did I miss?

England: It's Japan, America, you, and I against Russia, Prussia, China, Korea, and France. Needless to say, we're at a disadvantage.

America: Prussia's trying to take my vital regions, damn it! Anyone we know on?

Greece: Italy's over there.

America immediately sent the nation a private message, at that point willing to take whoever he could get.

America: Dude, Italy, you've got to help us out here, 'kay? We're getting pwned!

Italy: Will there be pasta?

America: Sure, whatever!

Italy: Ve, I'll join!

America: Great! Now you can help us fight off Russia, Prussia, China, Korea, and France!

Italy has logged out.

England: So how'd it go?

America: He chickened out.

Japan: I have good news, everyone! Greece has reached Empire level, and Romano joined to get back at Germany through Prussia.

England: Get back at Germany for what?

Japan: Truthfully, I have no idea.

Romano: Ciao! When can I start kicking some potato ass?

England: It's not good enough! We're going to get wiped out at this rate!

Alfred bit his lip and desperately scrounged up as much gold as he could by halting production in everything non-military, fortifying his walls and military to the best of his ability. They were going down fast. Greece had been captured by Prussia, most likely do to him falling asleep. Within minutes, Romano bailed on them and went back to being a neutral country, only to be captured immediately. Korea had literally put all his resources into slaughtering Japan, who had been thinned out trying to protect the sleeping Greece, and England was being massacred by a vengeful France. Meanwhile, he was stuck dealing with Russia on his own.

Russia: I will give you one last chance, Alfred. Become one with me once more, and all will be forgiven. ^\^

America: Never! :(

Russia: Very well. You have brought this upon yourself.

America: Fuck you!

Suddenly, an unknown force began to attack the sunflower-loving nation. Though Russia was fighting valiantly to get rid of it, he was quickly captured, along with virtually everyone but Alfred. Shocked, America went to send a private message to the server's apparent superpower.

America: Who the hell are you, dude?

Destroyer: Prepare to be eliminated, America.

Clearly it was a country, but which one? It was obvious they were eager to get revenge upon Alfred for something.

America: Now calm down, I'm sure we can work this out! You're a middle-eastern country, right?

Destroyer: I'm afraid I'm none of them.

America: Then who the hell are you?

Destroyer: Who am I?

The unknown nation was obliterating his empire by that point in time.

America: Seriously, dude, tell me?

Destroyer: I am…

America: Spit it out!

Destroyer: I am… The Empire of Canada!

Words could not describe the feelings Alfred was going through as he was captured. Swearing in all the languages he knew (it wasn't many), America logged out. Fuck civilization games, he already lived that in reality; time for some Robot Unicorn Attack!

A/N

Klei: For the record, Robot Unicorn Attack is an actual game. It's online and easy to find with a search engine. My current high score is 40070 (not healthy), and it is AWESOME. XD Great timekiller. Anyway, how'd you like the bit with Matthew? At first I was gonna have America be all, "We need another person! Who can we get?" and then have Canada be all, "I'd be happy to help, I've got a powerful empire here!" yet nobody notices him, but I like it better this way. :3 (Of course, for all we know, he was chatting with the others the entire time, and the whole 'obliterating them all' thing was specifically BECAUSE nobody noticed him...) So… Who's up for a sequel?

America: …I did something terrible in a past life. There's no other explanation for the fact that I have a citizen like you.

Klei: Can't be any worse than me. I took a quiz about who I was in a past life. The two 100% matches were Maximilien Robespierre, who beheaded 1285 people in his lifetime, and Adolf freaking Hitler. T-T

America: Say what? :O

Germany: -stabs Klei repeatedly with a spork-

Klei: -is stabbed- HOLY SHIT! DUDE! It was a freaking quiz on the internet!

Russia: Why a spork?

Germany: It hurts more than a knife. -.-