Author's note: Yes, let the flames come... Who's to say that everyone's favorite dhampire doesn't have a kitchen appliance fetish? You just know he does... So here's some short little ditties for pure amusement...

Disclaimer: I do not own the blender. I own Alucard and his missing sword(sorry, inside joke). I own Maria. I am making millions of dollars off of this. Look how rich I am, getting my kicks writing these kinds of fics for you. You are a moron if you believe any of this.


CHAPTER ONE: The Coffee Grinder

The coffee grinder was so grindable, and so masculine... Alucard tired to hold back... Tried to contain himself, but the sight, the scent of the coffee...

He threw himself upon it and started to make passionate love to it.


Meanwhile, Maria woke from her peaceful slumber, and among other things, desired a cup of coffee...



Yawning, Maria walked out into the kitchen where she heard Alucard's grunts. Her first innocent thought was that he'd gotten stuck in one of the cupboards again...

But as she took in the scene, all these thoughts disappeared.

"WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU DOING TO MY COFFEE GRINDER??"