Title: Calling In Gay
Chapter's Word Count: 2,597
Rating: PG13
Character(s): Kurt, Sam, Mercedes, Tina, ensemble
Disclaimer: I own naught but my own imagination.
Author's Notes: Un Beta'd. Written for this prompt (with some slight alterations) on the Glee_Fluff_Meme: http : / community. livejournal. com/glee_fluff_meme/2832 . html?thread=3056400#t3056400
Summary: "Tell Principal Figgins I'm sorry, but I can't come to school today. Oh, you know, I'm horribly ill— don't worry; I'll come back as soon as I cure the queer."

"If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: 'Hello. Can't work today, still queer!'" - Robin Tyler

Calling in Gay

Part I: It's Not a Disease

Kurt had to admit that Figgins had a point about the performance, but threatening suspension over the incident was a little bit much. Okay, so maybe they'd gone a little overboard with the costumes this time, but honestly— it was a number from Chicago. How on earth could the principal fault them for having sexy costumes for a rendition of Cell Block Tango?

The part that was the most unfair was that Kurt had been singled out: he had been the only boy on stage during the number and was dressed just as provocatively as the girls, which apparently was a problem of some kind. So he sat alone on the hard wooden bench outside of Principal Figgins' office, absently chewing on a thumbnail (such a hard habit to break!) while he listened to the indistinct voices of Figgins and Mr. Schue and waited for the verdict.

He tapped a heel against the tiled floor thoughtfully. He couldn't help but wonder what it was about his costume that had angered the principal so. It wasn't like it was more revealing that the female equivalent; in fact, his outfit showed far less skin than Rachel's and Santana's, and it wasn't like he had any cleavage to show off. So what if the tights were (extremely) tight and the top was technically a corset; it wasn't that much different from what he wore to school during his bolder fashion phases.

Was it?

"I just don't see what the big deal is!" Mr. Schue's voice came much clearer through the door than it had been before.

Kurt's attention shifted once again to the closed door to his left, and he subtly moved closer to it and turned his head so that he could hear the conversation better. Mr. Schue was raising his voice; things were bound to get interesting from here on out.

"William, your Glee Club is becoming far too provocative. I cannot stand for young men in make-up and women's clothes! I have to wonder what kind of effect Mr. Hummel's… orientation is having on the children, and, considering your recent slack judgement, on yourself!"

Kurt rolled his eyes towards the ceiling and then towards the secretary, who sat at her desk without paying him any attention, despite the fact that he was dressed in a corset and what Santana had dubbed his 'stripper heels.' She had headphones in, he noticed, and couldn't hear what was going on.

Well, good, he thought as he turned his attention back to the door and to Mr. Schuster's half-yell as he defended him. The less people who hear this crap, the better.

"...being completely unreasonable! It's not as if Kurt's sexuality is a disease—"

"There's no proof to say that it isn't!"

Kurt gasped quietly, his eyes widening a fraction as he swore his heart skipped a beat. Did the principal of his public high school honestly just suggest that his sexual orientation made him some kind of leper? He'd heard such idiotic arguments from uneducated bigots (mostly the farm-workers who Burt had subsequently overcharged for their repairs and then banned from Hummel Tire and Lube), but from an educator? A man of authority he was supposed to be able to trust? The idea boggled his mind.

The rest of their argument fell on deaf ears as Kurt stared into space, aghast at the information about his dear principal he had gleaned. He should have called his father and informed him of the awful, derogatory remarks so that they could report Figgins to the Board of Education and get him fired— or something— but his father was still recovering from a major heart attack and was hardly in any condition to handle the situation.

No, Kurt decided. He would have to deal with this himself.

It didn't take him long to figure out what he was going to do to stand up for himself. It would take a lot of guts, and a lot of determination, but he would do it anyway. It was a matter of honour, now. If Figgins thought that homosexuality was a disease, Kurt was just going to have to prove to him that it wasn't.

After only gaining a detention and another preapproved set list for the club to perform thanks to Mr. Schuster's negotiating skills (and the fact that Coach Sylvester hadn't stuck around to see the outcome of her scheming), Kurt went home and did his homework, as was per usual. But instead of dressing himself in a fabulous outfit the next morning, Kurt pulled on a pair of sweatpants that had been deemed lazing-around-the-house-clothes and grabbed the phone.

He coughed a few times to rough up his voice and dialled the number for the school, his heart racing as he heard it ring. The secretary's voice answered calmly, her scripted greeting curt and to the point.

"My name is Kurt Hummel. Please tell Principal Figgins I'm sorry, but I can't come to school today." He wanted to cough dramatically to make a point, but he held off as he listened to the secretary's polite response asking why he would be absent. "Oh, you know, I'm horribly ill— don't worry; I'll come back as soon as I cure the queer." He hung up without letting her say anything.

Oh boy.

He was going to be in some deep shit for this one, and he knew it.

He got so many texts throughout the day that he turned off his cell phone, the constant buzzing giving him a migraine. A good portion of them were from Mercedes, but he got several from other Glee Club members asking him why he wasn't at school and even one from Rachel asking if he would be participating in Glee that day or if she could assign his part in the latest number to someone else. He didn't reply to a single one.

He felt sick, truth be told. He knew what he was doing was rather ingenious, but he still felt rather... ill at ease. He was basically skipping school for no reason, and while he knew his grades could handle it, he'd never done anything of the sort before. He thought he'd feel like a rebel; instead, he felt more like the leper Figgins thought he was than ever.

Mercedes and Tina arrived on his doorstep baring chick flicks and ice cream after glee let out— they figured a girls' night was in order, since he was obviously too depressed (or perhaps bedridden) to answer their texts. When they found him safe and sound, he was given a good interrogating. The whole story of Figgins' hurtful comments and his ingenious plan to stand up for himself came out without too much prodding, leaving both girls nearly speechless.

"Let me get this straight, whiteboy," Mercedes said slowly after his rather long-winded, speed-talked explanation. "You weren't at school— because you called in gay?" Her voice was on the verge of laugher, but still somehow managed to sound sympathetic. He hung his head a little and nodded, embarrassed; this was, by far, one of his more bizarre schemes.

"That's genius!" Tina exclaimed after a moment, and Mercedes nodded in agreement. "Though I almost can't believe he said that... even if he did think he was having a private conversation. How can people even think that kind of crap is true?"

Kurt chuckled and shrugged, reaching for Mercedes's copy of The Ugly Truth. He could really use their support right now, and he was so glad that he had them back. After the whole "spiritual songs week" debacle, he thought he might have lost his BFF for good, but he should have known something as silly as religion couldn't keep he and Mercedes apart.

After they had gone through two movies and most of a vegetarian pizza, the doorbell rang again. Kurt answered the door almost lazily, expecting it to be Brittany (the other girls said she had suggested that she might drop by), and felt his mouth fall open as he realised who was actually standing on his doorstep.

Sam shifted awkwardly from foot to foot, trying hard not to notice how hot Kurt looked in his low-slung grey track pants and oversized tee. He shook his head and offered Kurt the thermos he had held in front of him. "Hey. You don't look sick, but I thought you were so I brought you soup..." he trailed off, his eyes stuck on Kurt's usually-meticulously-combed hair, which was instead adorably ruffled as though he had just gotten out of bed.

Kurt accepted the thermos into his delicate hands, his mouth clicking shut audibly. "Thank you," he said stiffly, his gut clenching at how awful he must look. Sam was watching him funny, looking at him differently than he normally did. "But I'm not actually ill, as you may have noticed."

"What's taking so long, Kurt?" Mercedes's voice came over the low sound of the DVD menu playing over and over from the other room. "Did Brittany forget how to take off her shoes again?"

"No, Sadie!" he called over his shoulder before turning back to Sam.

"Er, yeah. Why weren't you in school today, then?"

Kurt let out a breath, offering back the thermos and moving out of the way to let Sam into his house. Sam waved his hand, telling Kurt to keep the soup, and stepped over the threshold carefully, closing the door behind him and toeing off his running shoes.

"I called in sick, because of my terrible disease," Kurt told him seriously. Sam's half-smile turned to a frown in an instant, his eyebrows coming together to meet in the middle and his lips pressing together tightly.

"You have a disease?"

"Yes. And it is as of yet undetermined whether or not I am contagious."

Sam unconsciously took a half-step back, as though Kurt's mysterious 'disease' could be caught just by breathing the same air. Kurt smirked, instantly thinking along the lines of, How far can I push this and still have it be in good fun?

Kurt forced his smirk to dissipate as he put on a sad front for the ex-quarterback. "I'm terribly ill. Didn't Principal Figgins warn everyone about my horrible affliction?"

"N-no, he didn't," Sam mumbled, his expression stuck halfway between worried and horrified. "Is it... serious?"

"Oh, yeah," Kurt exaggerated, biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself from smiling. "It might even prove to be deadly. We're not sure yet."

Mercedes and Tina stood just out of sight, holding back fits of giggles as they overheard the conversation. Kurt always had been good at putting on a show, but he wasn't even trying to be a convincing actor and Sam was buying it like Nikes at eighty percent off.

"Well, what is it?" Sam prompted, his eyes almost comically wide. "You can tell me. I'll keep it a secret, I swear." He seemed so earnest that Kurt almost felt bad about putting on this little charade. Almost.

"You probably don't want to hear about it; it's pretty awful. There isn't even any kind of viable treatment option, so I just have to wait it out and see if I get better."

Sam looked sympathetic. "I'm real sorry you're sick, Kurt. Is there anything I can do?"

"Nothing tangible, I'm afraid. But your support is very much appreciated."

It was at this point that Mercedes could no longer hold it in, and her booming laugh escaped her. Tina broke down just seconds later, joining in with high-pitched chortles as Sam caught sight of them and stared, reasonably horrified at their outburst.

"What's going on?"

"Go ahead, Kurt," Mercedes managed to say between laughing with tremendous gusto. "Tell him what you're disease is!"

"Sam, I've... caught the gay," Kurt said, Kurt said, failing to suppress a smile and ending up grinning so hard he thought he might break his face in half. "And as of yet, homosexuality is incurable, so I must stay home from school until I rid myself of the queer."

Sam's mouth fell open and he let out a little noise of, "Huh?" as he looked between Kurt and his girlfriends incredulously. After a moment of gaping at them, his head tilted to the side with a look on his face reminiscent of a confused dog, he found his voice in order to splutter, "Seriously? Geez, guys, that's not even funny! I really thought you were sick."

Kurt felt bad, then. Sam looked like a kicked puppy, all sad eyes and pouty lips, and it made his stomach flutter with nervous butterflies. Kurt hugged the warm thermos of soup to his stomach, rocking back on his heels a little.

"I know it's not funny," Kurt protested, his smiled fading faster than it had appeared. "But when I heard Principal Figgins call my sexuality a disease, I figured calling in sick because of it was the only way to prove to him that it isn't!"

Sam pondered his explanation for a minute before smiling slightly and nodding. "So it's like a protest? That's cool. Can I help?"

Kurt frowned, and the girls stopped laughing in order to look at each other.

"Help how?"

"Well, I'm standing really close to you right now," Sam explained carefully, his facial expression changing to thoughtful. "So if Figgins really believes that being gay is some kind of wacky disease, I have to call in sick, too. They'll have to quarantine us to avoid it spreading."

A smile spread across Mercedes's face as she realised the possibilities. "And us too, Kurt. God knows I just shared a spoon with you to eat rocky road. I've probably already caught the gay!"

Kurt shook his head nervously, looking between Sam and the girls while the nervousness built. "You don't have to do that," he told them seriously. He didn't want them to get in trouble over his stupid scheme. "I wouldn't want you to get detention, or worse, over my little battle against bigotry."

"Of course we have to, Kurt," Tina said quietly, finally speaking up. She'd been thinking it over, and this was just the kind of thing a town like theirs needed. "We're your friends, and what Principal Figgins said is wrong. We can't just let him get away with this. I'm sure the other kids from glee will agree, too."

"But—"

"No buts!" Mercedes said, clapping Sam on the shoulder and grinning at him. He smiled back, glad to feel included in what was turning out to be an epic plan. "We're staying home tomorrow and calling in gay, too!"

"You can stay home with Kurt tomorrow, but I have to go to school. History test," Tina explained, biting her lip. "But I can go around and tell the others what we're doing so we can all do it by Thursday."

Kurt tried to protest, but when Tina and Mercedes had made up their mind about something, there was no stopping them.