/First of all, let me say that I always play as Paragade as possible. What does that mean? It means I have all the allies in the game (excluding maybe Cerberus if TIM wants to be immature), I've killed most enemies (including nonessential ones like the merc on Thanes recruitment and the Merc on Garrus' recruitment) but have overall played like Robin Hood. Nice to the good, ruthless to the bad. And the background I will be using is Colonist War Hero.

If for some reason you disagree with a choice that I use in this story, please don't waste effort expressing that. It is the nature of the beast.

Also, since turian culture isn't explained enough for me to extrapolate curses and such, I will be using human curse words where appropriate.

Finally, HUGE spoiler warning for everything in the ME universe up to this point. That includes DLC, books, and games. I don't have the comics though, so you don't have to worry about that part.

And now for something completely different!

"Shepard, I don't think it's a good idea," Garrus said as he and Shepard walked to the Mess Hall from the Main Battery.

"Garrus, of all the people on this ship, you need a vacation more than anybody," Shepard said in response. Upon seeing the look of incredulity Garrus shot him, he continued, "Except maybe the abducted crew." Shepard tried unsuccessfully to hold back a smile. He knew who Garrus meant.

"Shepard, I haven't spoken to my father in over three years, and the last time didn't end so well," Garrus said as he took his seat at the dining table. Mess Sergeant Gardner had prepared a huge feast for the active combat crew still aboard the Normandy. There were delicacies from Turian, Quarian, Salarian, Drell, Krogan, and Human cookbooks. He had made sure to find ways to sterilize the food for Tali.

"I told you what he was like, he couldn't accept my application for Spectre training and after I left, he told me just how disappointed he was," Garrus said. The look in his eye gave Shepard the impression that it hadn't been as calm a conversation as Garrus implied.

"Garrus, I'm telling you, if you go back as a son concerned for his mother, he'll take you back," Shepard replied.

"It just isn't that simple," he replied evasively as Gardner began to set up plates for the remaining combat crew. Zaeed and Samara had left little more than a month after the successful destruction of the Collector base and impromptu rescue of the Normandy's ordinary crew. Samara had killed her daughter and had left Shepard's service with the promise that she would come if he called.

After Gardner had finished arranging the relevant silverware for each major species present, he stood at the end of the table and looked over the 10 heroes. Around the table, the rest of the crew gathered. Gardner cleared his throat and said, "Now I'm not one for speeches bu-"

"Hey Shepard, can you make sure they save some of that veal for me, I'm starving!" Joker said over the intercom.

"Joker, I know damn well you have a video feed of the Mess Hall right now. So if you really want your veal, we better be docked at the Nos Astra spaceport in 3 hours," Shepard said aggressively in response.

"Jeez, I just wanted you to save my share, no need to get touchy. I'll be bring-"

"Joker, would you shut the fuck up? I did a hell of a lot more than your crippled ass and I'm hungry!" Jack interjected, but if Shepard wasn't imagining things, he thought he saw her give a quick glance to Gardner before continuing to stare intently at her plate. Her personality had taken an interesting and promising turn after sparing Aresh and defeating the Collectors. She seemed less angry and more tired, but there was still a long way to go.

"Ahem, as I was saying, Commander Shepard," Gardner said, raising one arm towards Shepard like a salesman advertising his wares, "You and your brave crew did the impossible. You saved us and you saved all of humanity again. We owe you everything, thank you."

"As a small token of our gratitude, me and the crew have scrounged up enough money to make you and your team the best meal this side of heaven. Enjoy." As Gardner walked towards the stove to bring the many dishes he had prepared to the table. With the assembled crew and Shepard's team applauding, he stopped and turned back and said, "Oh, and I made sure to wash my hands extra good before making this stuff."

Shepard could tell from the looks on his team's faces that they were thinking much the same thing he was; way too much intel. He tried to push the slightly revolting thoughts out of his head and dug into the food that Gardner had brought to the table. It was exceptional, every last bite.

After setting aside the fattiest piece of veal for Joker Shepard said to the crew, "Thank you all for this. I've been feeling this way, and I'm sure my team has been too, that we don't get enough gratitude from the people we save. With the council denying everything I say and Cerberus trying to toss us aside, it means a lot to get a reaction like this. Thank you so much, we all really needed this I think," Shepard said with a quick glance at Garrus. Another round of applause from the crew followed before Shepard continued, "Speaking of things we need, I've decided that our situation is squared away for now with our mutual friend," a quick glance at Garrus and Tali, "and several powerful factions ironing themselves out in our favor that now is a perfect time for some R&R."

With that the crew quickly devolved into cries of joy, whooping, and clapping. Once it had died down some, Shepard said, "You will all receive vacation money since Cerberus stopped paying you two weeks ago, and Joker will be getting you to your destination of choice before he gets his leave."

"WHAT? EDI can fly the ship, why do I need to be here?" Joker yelled over the intercom.

"Because EDI can't get clearance from the air traffic control officers," Shepard said.

"But, but, come on Shepard that's just-"

"Stow it Joker, you're getting the same amount of credits as the active personnel. 100,000 credits, so if you don't want to get 50,000 credits like the rest of the crew, I better not hear another word from you," Shepard snapped. He listened for a moment before being satisfied that Joker got the message then continued, "Now, for the active personnel, I have two limits. Grunt, you're going with Thane and are to try and not start a war."

"Understood battlemaster," Grunt said gruffly.

"Jack, you're going with Mordin, and are to try and not get into trouble," Shepard said.

"Aw come on Shepard, why the hell do need a damn babysitter?" Jack asked indignantly.

"He's not a babysitter, he's there to get you out of trouble if you get in it. Face it Jack, you're a high profile criminal, there's no telling how many law enforcement agencies have you on their most wanted list. Mordin is there to help you get out of these sorts of problems. The rest is up to you," Shepard responded. After seeing the look on Jack's face change from anger and indignation to confusion and then finally pride Shepard had to hide a small smile.

"Well team, now is a perfect time to figure out where you want to go. We have two hours before we reach Illium and we can stay docked as long as we need to. Crew dismissed," Shepard said before downing the rest of his whiskey. He set the glass lightly back on the table and watched as the crew dispersed to their various places.

Shepard thought about his white lie. Squared away may not have been completely accurate. There were people he needed to call, deals and threats to be made, understandings to be reached. As the old saying went, "There ain't no rest for the Wicked" and Shepard left the table thinking about how there wasn't any rest for the damned either.