A/N: Hi!, I'm Kira... the 'demented author'...Okay, this story is going to have... self mutilation, rape, mentioned yaoi 3x4,hinted 2x4, and even a bit of hinted 6x4 (poor Quatre...he really gets around) slight AU, some serious mental problems, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, bulimia, anorexia, and well. Lets just say.. its a messed up story, coming from a messed up mind, I'll continue with the rest as it goes along. But Quatre has hidden pain.. that's tearing through him, and to many time now and for to long, he's hidden it...

DISCLAIMER: Roses are red, violets are blue... I dont own... thus you dont sue!

RATING: Mature... because of swearing, self mutilation, rape, drugs, alcohol, etc...

A/N: This is an old story actually…. I am just now posting it in this account. Its been years since I posted anything Gundam Wing on ff.n … but please note that it has been years since I wrote this… thus after the old chapters stop… the newer ones (after ch 16) will be most likely a slightly different style. But I will try to keep true to it as much as possible. And I will be posting chapters pretty often since my old style was VERYYYYyyyy short chapters. Anything newer will be mor etrue to my style if you have read any of my ff7 stories you'll know. On with the fic….

"Escape"

-part 1-

'woven in mystery'

-anxiety-

'No matter how you put it, everything in my life seams to add to the feelings that tear me apart... all from the inside.. secretly... out.'

-beautiful.. tempting.. anxiety-

Quatre rolled to one side in the feather soft bed. He hadn't been able to sleep at all, other then a few five minute cat naps that he had caught.. basically the whole night.

again, another beautifully painful night.

He faced the slowly ever lightening window.

'the hell with mornings'

For too long now he had, had to wear a mask, covering the inner suffering. but slowly. The mask seamed to be wearing thin.

His muscles ached, tossing and turning through the muggy, hot night had taken what little reserved strength he had. his skin had become so pale. Not the same crisp clear, pure skin that had shown his inner radiance for so long.

no... it was a sickly pale. Though he hid it well, growing thin, malnourished, though he ate. He ate well in fact... little did anyone know that he would quickly rid himself of the full stomach shortly after he ate.

'today is Wednesday... I'm supposed to meet duo... why am I even alive' Quatre let thoughts rip through him, just as his own feelings did.

He pulled himself painstakingly up off the bed that provided no rest at all for him lately. His heart ached, as did his body.

'how long has it been... since you left...' He thought as slowly made his way to the bathroom. He rubbed his arm when a slight twinge of pain caught his attention.

His feet softly padded their way along the carpeted floor. the scent of breakfast being made caught his attention then.

'they'll be looking for me soon...' he thought as he caught sight of himself in the mirror.

"Where are you...?" his voice, low and trembling seamed to float in mid air and almost echo in his own mind.

He reached out and took hold of the small case on the back of the sink. slowly unzipping it to reach in and grab something from its contents. He pulled out the small silver object. a razor blade. He almost smiled to himself

-release-

"how can freedom be found in pain... only beauty is found in pain... not freedom... its a release" he whispered hearing his own voice almost bounce off the bathroom walls.

He had been afraid to cut himself before, but that had been almost a year ago, but he quickly found that it was almost the only thing that made him forget some of the inner pain that was held, trapped inside him. Or did it?... maybe it only made him forget momentarily with the onslaught of the physical pain.

But it wasn't really a physical pain, certainly not anymore. He was almost completely numbed to anything. it didn't ever really provide a warmth in pain, he was dead inside. and slowly dying physically too.

Quatre didn't even understand his own feelings... certainly not anymore.. something was missing. a part of him that had helped him understand his own soul for so long. Now causing this gapping hole that was ever widening, and becoming ever more noticeable.

Now his entire world, was woven in mystery... and beginning to weave itself with shame.

Quatre pulled the razor blade up to look at it in the light of the room.

-Anxiety-

-Release-

'where are you...?'

~End part 1~