Story by Pistolwink. Obviously, Pistolwink neither owns these characters nor the world they interact with.

Kaidan's tearing me apart. I try and draw out the time I can spend talking with him as much as possible without shirking my duties. There is something about him that I can't explain- he's intriguing, makes me laugh, and he's got something almost gentle about him despite the fact that he's a Marine and a biotic who has seen a ton of shit most guys never do. He's a buddy but there's something else, something that makes me willing to talk about stuff that I never would with anyone else. It's messed up; guys aren't supposed to feel that way about their brothers. Being that way with a beautiful woman- that's one thing, like that time I spent with Sha'ira- but with another guy…It's just a boundary that isn't crossed.

But damn. Kaidan's definitely a man- as muscular as I am, a deep voice, broad jaw with a 5 o'clock shadow. Not effeminate in the slightest, though I wonder if it would reconcile this conflict in the slightest, if I could compare him to a woman. I find myself imagining his pecs underneath his armor, wondering if he's got chest hair, and if so, how much and where…Inevitably, my imagination moves downward and I wonder...Fuck.

"Knock it off, John. You're no faggot." I can hear it in my father's voice, gravelly and rough with a dangerous edge. Just like the time when I was 13 and found my friend Hassan and me in the men's showers checking out our changing bodies- the places new hair was growing in, whose muscles- and other parts of us, of course- were bigger. I had made fun of him for his hairy thighs and in retaliation, he had made some crack about the size of my junk, so we were goofing off shoving each other around in the water. There hadn't been anything more to it- hell, if anything, my adolescent hormones had me solely focused on one of the base's female medical officers. But my father's wrath made that memory stick like glue.

I met Hassan years later in some bar on the Citadel after he had joined up. He told me then that he had a partner, a man, also in the service. I had just kind of looked at him, waiting for him to follow up with some smartass comment about how gullible I was and how he'd nailed some hot asari tail, but he didn't. With a rakish grin on his face, he'd just told me not to worry, that I wasn't his type- he didn't go for "little guys." We'd laughed, I'd thrown a playful punch at him, but the rest of the evening was uncomfortably quiet and we hadn't kept in touch after that.

Now, here I am, thinking about Alenko in exactly the way that I shouldn't be. What the fuck.

He's looking at me with that smile of his. Just the way he looks- it's like he understands everything, like he knows exactly what's going on. It's not unsettling at all, not like your mind and your thoughts are being invaded. I'm tempted to ask him-

"I've already wasted enough of your time," he says as he turns and gets back to work. His tone implies that he wants to talk again, though, so I press the issue.

"Kaidan-" I manage to say. "Let's hit Chora's Den after you're off duty."

He looks up, a mild look of surprise on his face. "Uh…Yeah, sure, Commander."