Sporks: Population '666'

Summary: Alucard goes on a little 'field trip' without his Master's knowledge to right a great and terrible wrong in the world.
Non-crack anti-twilight

The moon was eerily low and large as Alucard calmly made his way down the center of the town's main street. With the town at his back and miles of nothingness before him, the Nosferatu took his time. After all, soon he'd be back to the same old home, same old routine. Not to mention there was most likely some sort of punishment in his near future: running off to another continent without a word tended to irk his master for some reason or other. Best to enjoy the semblance of freedom now while he still had it.

He tilted his head up, letting the moon's rays reflect off of the lenses of his glasses. 'It's as if the moon has come down from the heavens to bear witness to my mischief.' A toothy smirk slid onto his face at the notion. "How wonderful." Although the moon was not, in fact, a sentient thing, he felt that it was congratulating him on a job well done.

A rattling sound caught his attention, bringing his gaze back towards the earth. The only thing before him where trees, and the sign announcing the town. He narrowed his eyes, but didn't bother moving any faster. There was another noise as well, one he couldn't quite pinpoint. It was most peculiar, and he found his curiosity piqued.

As he got closer he realized that the noise was being produced by a human, one whom he could hear scuttling about by the sign. Said human was blocked from his view by said sign, most likely having climbed onto the stupid decorative housing it was planted within. Said human was also humming off key.

The Nosferatu altered his course, cutting across the road until he was walking along the edge of it. He stopped abreast of the sign, observing in silence the source of the noise. A boy, probably no more than fifteen was perched on the edge of the ornate log structure serving as a visual base. Alucard wasn't sure exactly what he was doing, but the smell of the stuff coming out of the can in his hand stung the master vampire's nose. It smelled almost like…paint.

"What are you doing?"

The kid visibly jumped, bringing the can behind his back as he spun to face his sudden midnight companion. "Nothin'!" His voice cracked, and the teen cleared his throat to repeat himself in a far calmer tone.

Instead of answering, Alucard moved until he was standing next to the teen, who stood only slightly taller than the vampire despite his higher vantage point. His eyes moved from the boy to the sign behind him, registering that it was different than what he remembered on his way in. Not to mention that the new additions were sloppy at best.

WelcometoSporks

Population 674

Alucard blinked, not exactly sure what a 'spork' was, nor why the kid would bother to change it from 'forks'. He figured that being named after an eating utensil was joke enough.

"Uh, look. I uh, I didn't, you know, do. This. I just…noticed it. Yea, as I was walking by. Thought I'd get a better look, see what it says. Y'know…cause it's dark…and shit. Yea."

Alucard ignored him. It's not like he cared if the kid terrorized public property. Instead, he decided to indulge himself. "What is a 'Spork'?" He waited as the boy blinked at him, trying to collect himself. Obviously it was the last thing he expected the stranger in red to say.

"Uh, you don't know what a spork is? What, did you like, just get out of prison, or have you been living under a rock for the last like, 30 years?"

Although he was aware that the kid had in fact pulled the number 'out-of-his-ass' as they say, it made him grin none the less. "Something like that."

The kid paled, the cocky attitude he'd momentarily possessed gone as fast as it'd come. Alucard had managed to spook him without even trying. "Oh. Uh, well, it's like, a spoon that's also a fork. Y'know, spoon, fork, SPORK."

Alucard looked over at him, smile widening. 'I'm not sure if that's clever, or just plain stupid. Either way, the place is still named after a fucking piece of cutlery, so why not the more idiotic sounding of the two?'

"Interesting…." His eyes once again roved over the sign, and an idea popped into his head. "Can I borrow that can behind your back?"

He heard the kid's heart skip a beat and his hands clench around said object. How he thought having both hands awkwardly behind his back would keep him from suspicion was beyond the Nosferatu. He just figured the kid was one of those 'special' ones his master had forbidden him from laughing at.

Alucard held out his hand, palm up. The can of spray paint was reluctantly handed over, and the vampire looked at it momentarily before giving it a light shake. The metal ball mixing the paint within made a slight clacking noise, to the amusement of it's wielder. He rotated his wrist slowly from side to side, causing the ball to move from one end of the can to another as he did a bit of mental math.

Soft laughter rumbled in his chest as he reached around the wide eyed youth to make his own adjustment to the sign. After he'd finished, he handed the can back to it's owner, eyeing up his work. Alucard was pleased to note that despite having never used spray paint before, his addition looked far more authentically done.

The boy was staring bewildered at the Nosferatu's handiwork for a moment, before understanding slapped him in the face. He turned to his now-fellow tagger with a shit eating grin on his face. "Niiiice, cause this is like Hell, right?"

Alucard fixed the kid with a wide, toothy grin of his own. The sign's population now declared '666'. Which, in fact, was something that hadn't really crossed his mind at the time of his changing it. Now however, it just added to both the hilarity, and the irony. "No. I think that's merely what you would call 'an added bonus'."

The teen gave him a confused look. "So then why did you change it?"

Alucard ignored the question, instead chuckling softly to himself as he turned and headed back to the road. Sirens erupted into the still night air, covering the soft crackling that had been growing louder and louder. The wind brushed past him, full with the scents of death and embers, timber and earth.

He heard the kid move around the sign to look out at the city, heard the gasp and crash of the can as it hit the wood planking he stood on. "Holy shit!"

He could see the growing fire through the teen's eyes; the flickering of red and white lights from the fire trucks, and the falling of the trees as they where devoured. Alucard knew that if they didn't get control of the fire soon, it'd reach the town itself. Which, he concluded, wouldn't be a bad thing.

The boy squinted in a vain attempt to see better, his thoughts loud and clear to the vampire. 'Isn't that where those douche bag adoptee's live? Fuck, what's their names again? Colin…Custard...no, fuck that's not it…'

'I believe the name you're looking for, is 'Cullen'.'

'Riiiiiiight, Cullen, that's it! Wait….WHAT THE FUCK?'

The Nosferatu's laughter rung out loud and clear, sending chills down the thoroughly freaked out teen's spine. He waited until he could feel the boy's eyes digging into his back before dissipating into nothingness.

The kid shuddered, terrified but unwilling to move. He turned back to look at the newly graffitied sign, more importantly what the mysterious man had changed. "Population 666...huh, that's what, 8 less?" He used his fingers to confirm his math. Looking back towards the flames, a thought struck him. "How many Cullens' where there?"

a/n: well, what do you think? I myself love reading all the crack!fics involving Hellsing and the Cullens(es? How the fuck is that pluralized anyway? Granted I don't remember if their name's Cullen or Cullens, and I don't really give a fuck, but after having to write it it bothers me a bit) But I don't really ever see ones that aren't blatantly funny and twilight bashing. Thus I bring you a bit of subtle hatin'. I hope you guys enjoyed.

deadpan riot