Title: For Science

Author: Gixxer Pilot

Summary: Sideswipe and Sunstreaker have come a long way since landing on Earth. But an 'incident' with Maggie Madsen oh so politely reminds them they still haven't come quite far enough. Post 2007 movie.

Author's Notes: IMing with Anasazi Darkmoon has become a dangerous thing, especially when she links me all sorts of wacky things that get my plot tribbles firing on all cylinders. This freaking awesome comic on Deviantart was no exception. http : / / batchix. deviantart. Com / # / d2spk1l (Obviously, just take out the spaces from the URL.) 'Sazi sent it to me, and then said, "Hey, wouldn't this make a great crack fic?" That was followed by a nudge with the subtlety of a bulldozer, and after a couple of PMs to the artist for permission, here we are. A huge shout out is in order to Batchix for letting the artistically challenged (me) use her wonderful work as inspiration to write a crack fic. I hope this lives up to expectations!

Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers, and I can't draw to save my life. Don't sue.

As the saying went, life really could have been worse. But for Maggie Madsen, how exactly her pathetic existence could have possibly sucked one more teeny, tiny bit was a topic up for serious debate.

Apparently, being a party to saving the world carried less positive weight for the mitigation of her punishment than she felt was readily applied. In the aftermath, she was lucky to escape without federal prison time for sneaking that SD card out to Glen. If not for Secretary of Defense Keller going to bat for her, Maggie was sure she would be in Leavenworth, deported back to Australia or at Gitmo for doing what she'd done. All things considered, being fired wasn't really all that terrible of an outcome.

It still didn't mean she had a job.

Maggie tapped her pencil on the scratch pad and growled, a squeak of frustration flying from her mouth along with a few choice curses. Swearing up and down against the stupidity of government bureaucrats, she buried her head in her arms and resolved to stay there for the rest of the year. Initially after Keller had delivered the bad news, Maggie thought she'd be able to enjoy a nice vacation; she'd take a couple weeks off, relax and de-stress after Mission City and that crazy little alien thing, maybe go home and visit some relatives, come back and move into the working field again in two weeks. No problem. She had skills and thought was infinitely marketable.

But after three solid months of searching, she still hadn't managed to cultivate anything further than the, "Please send us your resume," phase. There was really nothing promising on the horizon and Maggie was facing the reality she was running out contacts she could call. As much as they may call her a friend, none of Maggie's rather extensive list of professional networking contacts wanted to be associated with the woman who couldn't explain to them what she'd been doing the last two years. And, since she was sworn to secrecy in regards to the Autobots on a level astronomically higher than anything on which she'd ever worked, Maggie was a little paranoid about slipping up, too.

Idly, she wondered if that ass Simmons was suffering the same fate.

Throwing her pride aside, Maggie walked over to her purse and dug out her phone. There was one person she'd yet to call, one who told her to contact at any point should she need gainful employment. At the time Maggie was fired, she'd never considered accepting the Autobot leader's offer since she felt it wouldn't be terribly difficult to find a new job. Now? She was barely scraping by, had burned through her savings and at the rate she was headed, wouldn't make her next month's bills. Maggie shook her head again. Damned robot was too smart for his own good. Sighing, she pulled up the number listed as 'Orion Pax' in her contact list and hit send.

"Maggie Madsen. How are you today?" Optimus Prime answered on the third 'ring.'

Maggie hesitated. She sighed out a big chunk of her frustration. "I'll be honest, Optimus. I've been better."

Prime tilted his head slightly to the side when he heard the stress lacing Maggie's voice. Genuinely concerned, Optimus asked, "Is there something wrong?"

"Sort of. Maybe. Dammit!" she swore. "Yes, Prime, there is."

Maggie heard some mechanical clicks and whines, assuming Prime was addressing one of the Autobots in their native language. "Would you care to tell me about it? Perhaps we can be of assistance."

Before she could talk herself out of it, Maggie blurted, "I don't know what happened with you guys after Mission City, but I apparently pissed off some of the world's biggest idiots in Washington when I smuggled that SD card to Glen. Keller kept me out of prison, but I haven't been able to find a job. I'm running out of cash, and I would never normally do this, but I don't know what else to do and you said I could call you if I needed anything and I-" She cut herself off, biting her lip to keep from making a complete spectacle of herself to the Autobot leader.

Prime suppressed a laugh. He'd taken an instant liking to Maggie when he'd met her post Mission City during the seemingly endless debriefings regarding Earth's newest visitors. He'd been serious when he'd said that she could call at any time should she ever need anything, and Optimus planned on making good on his word. "Maggie. It's all right. I told you to call if you ever required any assistance and I meant that. You helped us more than you probably imagine, and we are in your debt. I would be happy to offer you a position with our element. We're in the process of some changes I'd like to discuss with you, but I'd prefer not to do it over an unsecure line."

"Optimus, aren't you tied in with the military? I don't have a lot of friends left there," Maggie asked skeptically. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

"You would be working for me, not the United States Government. Consider yourself under private contract if you choose to accept," he responded.

Releasing a breath she didn't realize she was holding, Maggie's posture sagged visibly in relief. "Thank you. What do I need to do?"

Prime paused. "We are temporarily set up in Nevada until a more permanent solution can be found. The senior advisory team and I have been using that time to explore our options at the present, though no decisions have been made yet. I would like very much if you could help with that, and I have two new arrivals near you that were heading this direction anyway. I will contact them and follow up with you by the end of the week to arrange your travel plans."

Maggie nodded her head, glad she'd not taken a ton of stuff with her to the U.S. from her native Australia. Less stuff meant it'd be easier to store it and sublet her apartment if necessary. Finally satisfied for the first time in nearly three months, Maggie made small talk with Prime for a few more minutes before the Autobot leader ended the conversation. She'd hung up with a smile on her face, excited not only to be employed finally, but thrilled she'd get to see some friends she thought she'd never meet again.

Humming to herself, the Australian came to one solid conclusion: life was a peculiar creature.

Three months ago, Maggie Madsen was summoned to Washington to meet with the Secretary of Defense, discovered an alien signal, was arrested for espionage, became the SECDEF's advisor, met a race of sentient alien robots, got herself mixed up in the middle of said alien civil war, was nearly killed by a slightly more psychotic bitty robot, broke about four hundred federal, state and INTERPOL laws, and managed to lose her job. Now? She'd officially secured employment; her new boss a giant alien robot from Cybertron.

Go figure.

Sunstreaker and Sideswipe were under the impression Earth was very strange place. And not only was Earth strange, its inhabitants presented a unique set of cultural difficulties the twins were having difficulty absorbing.

Having landed two short weeks ago, Sunny and Sides really only managed to evade the local police force and scan alternate modes before sequestering themselves into hiding. Prime contacted them immediately, presumably concerned for the twins and their propensity for engaging their engines before they engaged their CPUs. Thus far, their orders had been to hold short in the Virginia forests and research the selected topic Prime sent them daily on Earth and humans. To be sure both 'Bots were doing their homework, one of the senior Autobots commed to quiz the resident troublemakers every night.

"I swear to Primus, if old Ironaft doesn't stop treating us like a couple of sparklings, Prime won't be able to hold us responsible for our actions," Sunstreaker complained. "I'm bored out of my processor."

"And you think I'm enjoying this?" Sideswipe asked, kicking ineffectually at a tree stump with his toe. "I was wondering how the humans defined 'boring', and I think this is it. If I have to look up one more thing about this planet, I might just go postal."

Sunny sat up and tossed aside the rock he was throwing up in the air and catching. "So not only have we had to deal with Ironhide trying to be a teacher, now we have to play taxi service for a human femme who's going to be working for NEST? I don't know about you, 'Sides, but this is not what I signed up for. I signed up to kick 'Con aft, not be a babysitter to some squishies," the yellow 'Vette complained loudly.

"I know, Sunny. I know. Look, we just have to get through this, and then we can be back to doing what we do best, right?"

Sunstreaker cycled his vents and set his face to project the confidence and determination he used to carry out his military tasks. He was a soldier, trained to deal with adverse situations. He'd been in a lot worse situations and escaped them without so much as a scratch to his precious paint job. Sideswipe was right. What possible harm could come from one, puny human? All they had to do was ferry her from Washington, D.C. to the Autobots' temporary base in Nevada. It was a cakewalk. The twins could simply tune her out and drive.

Sideswipe checked his internal chronometer. "Come on, Sunny. Let's get this over with. Our new pet human will be expecting us at the meeting spot in twenty Earth minutes and I don't really want to piss Ironhide off before we even see him."

Grumbling, Sunny folded himself down into his alt mode, being careful not to brush up against the rocky soil too hard. "Right. Let's go."

The twins were late.

Maggie didn't really have any idea what to expect since Prime wasn't that transparent on the particulars of her escorts. He'd said only that they were good 'Bots and that they would keep her safe. Maggie trusted Optimus implicitly, and she knew whatever choice he made was with her best interest in mind. But still, it wouldn't kill him to teach a little punctuality to his soldiers.

Standing in bare feet at the edge of the small pond that was serving as the agreed-upon safe meeting point, Maggie sighed. She'd been tempted to sit, but there was no place that wasn't liberally smeared by mud, sand or clay. She'd at least been smart enough to pack the heels and wear sneakers, but even that choice didn't say much for the now destroyed pair of running shoes that dangled from the tree branch on her left.

In the distance, two engines rumbled, the leaves on the trees vibrating in welcome. Maggie rolled her eyes. "Finally." She put her hand on her hip as the two rolled up and transformed. "Get lost, gentlemen?"

The two Corvettes seemed to be completely engrossed in their own argument, so much that they didn't even acknowledge Maggie's presence. The red Corvette was apparently admonishing his companion in a way that could only be described as brotherly. "Next time, we take my way. I don't need to see the scenery of Appalachia on my way through to D.C."

"You are such a buzzkill, 'Sides. And don't tell me you didn't enjoy running the Tail of the Dragon, because I know you did," the yellow Corvette replied.

Sideswipe grinned. Yeah, okay. Maybe that detour was worth it. That was eleven miles of pure twisty, turning fun!"

"I told Arcee I'd take her there if she ever gets here. She'll love it."

"That she will."

Maggie cleared he throat loudly. "And if you're completely done arguing, I'd like to get out of this swamp and on my way. I've been waiting here for you for an hour, wondering if there was another Decepticon attack I wasn't aware of. I was about to call Optimus to see if he'd reassigned you two. I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm covered with mud. Now, would leaving be too much of an imposition?"

Sunny and Sides exchanged glances. Human femmes were notoriously pushy, but even they didn't expect this. "What's the human term, Sides? 'Keep your pants on'?"

Sideswipe snapped his fingers. "Yep. That's the one!"

"And do I get the pleasure of your names?" she asked, seething quietly under her breath. The twins had instantly rubbed her the wrong way, which, in turn, had brought forth more than the usual amount of snark.

Both twins rolled their optics. Sideswipe stepped forward and pointed one finger to his own chest. "I'm Sideswipe. This here is Sunstreaker. You can call us Sunny or Sides, either one."

"Charming. I'll bet Ironhide loves the lot of you," Maggie said sarcastically.

At the mention of the Autobot weapons specialist, both twins' frames shuddered. Maggie filed the information away to be used if necessary. "Yeah, but nothing holds us down. We're too good."

Maggie cursed. There was a certain smugness to their tone and a cockiness with which they both carried themselves. It reminded Maggie of some men she knew that were all muscle and looks, but no brains and absolutely no humility or class. Washington, D.C. to Nevada was going to be a frightfully long trip, one she wasn't entirely sure the tattered remains of her sanity could handle. She watched both 'Bots do some sort of strange victory dance, celebrating their awesomeness. Growling, she ran one hand through her hair, forgetting there was mud all over it. "Oh my god! This was a mistake. Look, I'll just call Optimus and tell him that there is no possible way we can make this trip. I can fly commercially and just charge it."

The twins' processors started spitting out different scenarios if they showed up at NEST without Maggie. All of them ended with Ironhide beating them senseless during hand to hand and then using them as target drones for failing to follow a direct order. As suavely as he could, Sideswipe said, "Look, Maggie, right?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

"We're two separate groups, but we need something from you, and you need something from us. You need to get to NEST, and you have no money to pay your own way, right?"

"True, but I can find a way," Maggie insisted.

Sideswipe held up one hand. "Just hear me out. You need to get to Nevada, and we need to learn about Earth and its inhabitants. We just landed here, my brother and I, and we don't know anything. You could help us with that. In exchange, we'll try to be as polite as possible, as long as we're permitted to ask questions."

Maggie chewed on her lower lip. The trade did sound fair, and she wasn't sure if she could get her creditors to raise her limits any more on any of her cards. A one-way ticket would have been killer on what little money she had left. Picking her way through the mud toward both twins, she said, "All right. I agree. But no funny stuff, you two! I swear if you try, I'll…I'll…something I don't know of yet, but I'll find a way to make your lives miserable."

In unison, Sunny and Sides said, "Yes, ma'am."

"So you're from Australia, right?" Sunstreaker asked during a stretch stop. The trio had pulled off the road and found an abandoned building on the south side of Chicago to allow the twins to transform and recharge a bit.

Maggie leaned against the yellow 'Vette. So far, the trip had gone surprisingly well. A day and a half in, she'd expected some type of blowup long before which would probably have culminated in her either walking to Nevada or hitchhiking. "Yeah. Australia. Down under, as it's called around the world."

"Do you miss it?" Sideswipe asked.

"Yes and no. It was where I grew up, but here is home now. I miss my family, but I can live without the country," she answered honestly. "What about you guys?"

Sideswipe waved a hand. "Cybertron was dead. There was nothing left on the planet. We had to go after Prime jettisoned the cube, since Megatron had pretty much destroyed any hope of revitalizing the place. And now that the cube is gone, so is Cybertron."

Maggie tapped a thoughtful finger against her chin. "Why did he do that, anyway? Optimus. Jettisoning that cube, I mean. Doesn't it create life for you guys? I don't understand why he'd toss that thing out to the stars if it were that important."

"Well, it was a lot better than letting Megatron get his grubby little claws on it. We were stuck, and that was the best of a bunch of really crappy choices. You humans might call it 'a rock and a hard place' I think," Sideswipe supplied.

Scoffing, Maggie patted the hood of the red Corvette. "You're learning, Sides. I'm actually impressed."

Revving his engine a bit, Sides beamed with pride. "I knew we'd learn something from each other." He synthesized a yawn. "I don't know about you, but I'm beat. All that driving the past couple of days is catching up. I'm going to take a couple hours to recharge, and I suggest you do the same, Maggie. We have another long day ahead of us tomorrow."

"Agreed. Will your brother keep watch for now?" she asked, crawling into the driver's seat of Sideswipe's alt mode and reclining the seat all the way back.

"I will take first watch, yes," Sunny answered. We'll wake you when it's time to switch.

Maggie yawned and pulled her jacket over her torso. "All right. G'Night." Slipping into blissful slumber, Maggie allowed her dreams to carry her away.

Sunstreaker transformed as quietly as possible and began walking a simple perimeter around the inside of the warehouse. He needed to make sure that he wasn't seen, and that the area remained secure. For the umpteenth time, he wished that Sideswipe had picked a slightly more secure place than an abandoned building on Chicago's south side. He certainly wasn't afraid of any humans, but it was easier to hide when they weren't looking for the same type of space he was.

An hour later, Sunny was officially bored. Not even the rats were up and about for some reason and he hadn't even detected a single life source other than Maggie's since they'd pulled into the warehouse. He let his processor wander and surfed a bit through the internet. Ironhide would be proud that Sunny was using the time wisely instead of wasting it on some stupid game or even more ludicrous prank.

Surfing over to a site called WebMD, Sunny wandered about as he looked for information on human illnesses and ailments. He stopped short when he came to section devoted to cosmetic surgery. Wondering what it was, he clicked on a few links and looked at pictures of befores and afters of tummy tucks, face lifts and eyelid surgeries. Sunny was nearly through the section regarding breast augmentations when he had a thought.

Maggie was a female.

According to his research, most surgeries performed were done on women.

Maggie had breasts.

Sunny wondered if they were "real."

And there was only one way to find that out.

Quietly, Sunny came around and knelt down in front of his brother's alt mode. He was happy to see that Maggie had chosen to leave the door open so fresh air could get through, and if she needed to hop out should the moment require it. Dropping to all fours, Sunstreaker reached out the index finger of his right hand and pushed it toward Maggie's left breast. It inched closer and closer until it made contact with the intended target.

Maggie started awake, a mixture of confusion and rage on her normally calm face. "SUNSTREAKER! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?" she roared.

Sunny backed up to a seated position and tried his best to look innocent. "Yeah, I probably shouldn't' have done that, right?"

"You're damn right you shouldn't have done that! Nowhere in any part of the world is it okay to just randomly poke a woman's breast!"

Sunny grinned cheekily. "But, I could do it again, you know. You're supposed to be helping us learn about humanity!"

Maggie growled and cursed loudly and profoundly enough to make even Megatron recoil. She hopped back into Sideswipe's alt mode and slammed the door hard enough to wake Sides from a dead sleep. Through the window, she yelled, "No, you most certainly will not. Now, go back to patrol and leave me alone!"

Over the internal comm., Sideswipe said, :Way to go, dude. Way to go. I'm not sure if I should be pissed at you or proud of you.:

:I thought you'd like that.:

:I'll remind you that you said that when we have to drive with her. I think just for fun, I'm going to make her ride with you the rest of the way to Nevada.:

Sunstreaker gulped.

"Prime!" Will Lennox said, trotting up to the massive Autobot leader. "We just got word that Sunstreaker and Sideswipe are at the outskirts of town. They should be here in ten minutes."

"Thank you, Captain. It will be a pleasure to see them again," Prime answered.

"Yeah. We need all the help we can get." Pausing, Will leaned up against one of the support beams of the ops hanger. "So, what are they like? Suntreaker and Sideswipe, I mean."

Optimus chose his words carefully. "They're young warriors. Skilled, adept and deadly. But, they are also a handful, as you might say. They have a propensity for doing first and thinking later, if at all."

"You mean like Epps, then," Will supplied.

"Worse. And there are two. They're twins."

Will's mouth formed a silent 'O', no sound coming out. Slinking away quietly, he said, "I'll let you deal with them, then."

Optimus scoffed quietly, smirking down at Will as the soldier beat his hasty retreat out the door. "Traitor."

"I've already got my problem children. These are your responsibility!"

Optimus followed Lennox out the door, stopping when he saw a matching set of dust trails approaching from the distance. A very dirty set of twins stopped before the Autobot leader. Before they could transform, Maggie Madsen practically bolted from the car, slamming Sunstreaker's door with enough force to physically shake the 'Vette. Optimus inwardly cringed at the look she shot both them and then Prime himself before she stomped into the ops hanger and away from the pair.

Ironhide sauntered up, having seen Maggie blow past the group. With his arms crossed over his chest, he said, "So, how'd it go, then? Make any new friends?"

"It went," Sunny started, answering in the most non-committal fashion he could.

Optimus growled. He did not have time for this. "What did you do to make Miss Madsen so angry?"

Sunstreaker did his best to look innocent. "It was just an experiment, Prime. We swear. It was all in the name of science."

"Do I dare ask what kind?"

"It was about the anatomical differences between humans and Cybertronians. I just wanted to know why women like bouncy things," Sunny confessed.

Ironhide, able to read between the lines, quickly grabbed Sunstreaker around the neck in a perfect rear naked choke. Like humans, if 'Hide could cut off the flow of energon to Sunny's CPU, he'd lose consciousness. As soon as he felt the yellow 'Vette's body going slack, he spun the unsuspecting mech to the ground. Ironhide held him there while Sunny squirmed, each movement putting scratches in the precious paint job both twins so valued. "I thought I told you to behave," 'Hide whispered in Sunny's left audio receptor. "You need to learn how to listen. Next time, I let Miss Madsen pick the weapon of her choice while I tie you up the nearest tree. She gets three free shots."

"Okay, okay! I won't do it again! Primus! Stop scratching my paint!"

Ironhide grunted in satisfaction and removed the shin he'd placed at the base of Sunny's neck to hold him in place on the ground. "Good. Now, get in there and see Ratchet. You both need a thorough checkup after being in space for so long."

"And what were you were saying about kicking Ironhide's aft again, exactly?" Sideswipe asked, grinning as Ironhide and Prime walked away.

"Shut up, Sideswipe."

-FIN-