The Shadow of Love

Disclaimer: The characters here belonged to the author, Toda Kaoru. The fanfic here is purely fictional and is from my own imagination.

This is the second one-shot fic I'm writing for itakiss. =)) Well, it was still more about Naoki. I just love to explore his feelings. As usual, a mixture of anime & manga. For standardization sake, I refer to terms like father, mother in English instead of Japanese but I will maintain the suffix.

Summary:

If the opposite of love is hate, then I would say the shadow of love is fear. When you love someone, unconsciously the person affects you emotionally. Because of love, you might become jealous, possessive and protective. On the other hand, you take note of his/her likes, dislikes, hope to make them happy etc. This is because you fear losing the one you love. Just like how when there's light, there's shadow, when there's love, there's fear. It was no exception for the genius, Irie Naoki.

To avoid confusion:

Kotomi will call Naoki and Kotoko 'Daddy' and 'Mummy' instead of Papa and Mama as in the anime

Papa = Naoki's father

Mama = Naoki's mother

If you want to have more details on the manga, if you don't mind it is in summaries form, you can go to this website: /itazuranakiss

Lastly, enjoy reading! =))

Naoki had never experienced such fear in his life before as he saw Kotoko lying on the bed as she was pushed out of the operation theatre. He ran towards her and called out to her loudly, "Kotoko!"

"How is my wife?" Naoki asked anxiously at the surgeon who just came out.

The surgeon removed his mask and answered patiently, "Her life is in no danger. Fortunately, the bullet did not hit her heart and we have safely removed it out. She should wake up by tomorrow morning when the anesthetic had worn off."

Naoki heaved a sigh of relief.

At the ward, Naoki watched Kotoko sleeping peacefully on the bed, as if nothing had happened If only he could feel that way, Naoki thought silently. He could still remember clearly this morning how she excitedly saying she was going out to buy something. Then in the afternoon, while he was doing his consultation, he received a phone call from the police. It was amazing how an ordinary day turned out to be one of his most shocking experiences in just a few hours.

His life had changed drastically since she lived with him due to the collapse of her house due to a very minor earthquake. He found his ambition i.e. to be a good doctor, did things he never would have done, for example tutoring her and her classmates, experienced emotions he never thought such as frustration, helplessness, the ridiculous jealousy and also the least expected – love.

Along with love, there was also fear, which he wished he never had to go through.

The fear of losing her.

The fear of her leaving him.

The fear that he woke up every morning without her beside him.

The first time he experienced it was during her birthday celebration when he waited for her at the hotel and she came back with a haggard look, hair in disarray and blood stains on her dress. At that moment, he felt his blood froze as he thought it was hers. It was only when he hugged her, felt her warmth and breathing that his heart was assured.

The second time was when she was pregnant and fainted on the way home. He blamed himself for not noticing her condition earlier as he was busied with the thesis. He admitted he neglected her and failed as a husband.

And this time, when she was going for shopping.

"How many more heart attacks are you giving me?" Naoki mumbled as he brushed her cheeks with his thumb gently. "Why do you always manage to get into trouble when I'm not around?"

Just then, the door was slammed open.

"How's Kotoko?" His mother was the first to speak with Kotomi in her arms.

"Is she fine?" His father was calmer.

"What happen?" Kotoko's father asked.

Naoki took over Kotomi from his mother before he answered their question. "She just finished her operation. The doctor took out the bullet and now she is fine. Now she is resting and will wake up by tomorrow morning."

They sighed with relief.

"We almost got a heart attack when we receive your call," Mama said.

"You scare us," Papa added.

"Fortunately she is fine now," Kotoko's father concluded.

Meanwhile Kotomi woke up from her slumber during the journey and wanted to come down. Naoki put her down.

"How does this happen?" Kotoko's father asked, concerned.

"I'm not so sure myself, I heard it from one of the witness at the scene. There was a robbery case and the armed robbers ran out of the shop and in order to escape from the guards, they shoot randomly and one of the bullets hit Kotoko," Naoki explained.

"Why is Kotomi here? Shouldn't she be asleep?"

"She has been calling for Kotoko since dinner," Kotoko's father replied helplessly.

While the adults were talking, Kotomi was looking at her mother with curiosity. She stepped forward, tiptoeing trying to see her mother. "Mummy," she called and waited.

No response.

"Mummy," she called again.

Kotomi tried to reach for Kotoko but the bed was too tall for her. So she asked, "Daddy, why is Mummy not waking up?"

Naoki looked at his daughter and patted on her head gently, smiling. "Mummy is sleeping, be a good girl and don't disturb her, okay?"

Kotomi nodded obediently but another matter was troubling her. "Then why Mummy doesn't sleep at home?" she asked, confused. Everyday Mummy sleeps at home.

"Mummy is injured, so she must stay here for a few days. After that, she will go home," he answered patiently.

"See Mummy," Kotomi spoke as she raised her arms up. Naoki smiled lovingly and carried her up and walked towards the bed. Kotomi looked at her mother sleeping form and for some reason she wants to sleep beside her.

So she requested, "I want to sleep with Mummy."

Naoki said firmly, "Kotomi, be obedient. You can't until Mummy goes back home. Go home with Grandma first and tomorrow you will see Mummy again."

Kotomi shook her head. "I want Mummy."

"Kotomi, how about Grandma sleeps with you?" Mama suggested kindly. "I'll tell you bedtime story too."

Kotomi looked at her father hopefully. Much to her disappointment, Naoki said, "Listen to Grandma. Tomorrow you can come here."

And then Naoki put her down and passed to his mother. Kotomi obediently held her hands while mumbling sadly, "I still prefer to sleep with Mummy."

"Dad, Mum, Father, you all can go home and have a rest first. I'll be here, so no worries," Naoki assured.

"Take care Naoki," his father patted on his shoulder.

"I'll bring some healthy, nutritious food tomorrow," his mother promised.

"You need to have a rest too, don't force yourself," Kotoko's father patted on his shoulder too.

"I will." Naoki walked them to the door and see them off.

"What shall I do with you Kotoko?" Naoki sighed as he looked at her sleeping form.

He thought that ever since she stayed in his house, nothing could faze him anymore since she already messed up his life as bad as it could be. All the things he never experienced before the collapse of her house, the emotions ups and downs and the countless headaches he went through thanks to his mother and her.

Once again, she managed to make him feel so helpless and powerless.

It was morning. The sun rises and its ray shone through the window panels and onto Kotoko. Kotoko stirred lightly and slowly, she opened her eyes and squinted at the sun rays.

The first question in her mind was where is she?

She titled to the right and saw Naoki sitting beside her. "Irie-kun," she whispered, smiling. Then she tried to sit up but the pain forced her to lean back.

"Be careful, you just underwent an operation," he chided. Realising his tone was a bit harsh, he asked in a softer tone, concerned, "Are you feeling all right?"

She nodded and looked around her surrounding. "Seems like now is my turn to be hospitalized," Kotoko remarked ironically.

"Well, at least now I will understand how a patient feels like," Kotoko joked. "Never imagine there is a day I will end up as a patient."

Kotoko looked at Naoki. He was silent all these while. "Irie-kun?"

Just then, the door was slammed open. It was Papa, Mama, Kotoko's father and Kotomi.

"Kotomi," Kotoko called out happily.

Kotomi ran towards her mother. "Mummy, you woke up."

Kotoko smiled and patted on Kotomi head tenderly.

"Kotoko-chan." Mama hugged her tightly. "So glad that you are fine."

Kotoko smiled and hugged back. "Thanks, I'm fine now Mum."

Then, she saw her father standing there, relieved to see her safe. "Pa, sorry for making you worry," Kotoko apologized ruefully.

"How can you be so careless?" Kotoko's father chided lightly but glad she was safe. "Here is some nutritious food to aid you in your recovery,"

"Thanks Pa," Kotoko grinned.

"Hug, hug," Kotomi pleaded. Mama carried her and placed her beside Kotoko. Kotomi snuggled against Kotoko, glad to be in her mother embrace. Kotoko cuddled her too, glad to see her daughter again. Being a child, Kotomi could not stay still and so she wiggled around like she always do and it accidentally touch the scar, causing a sharp pain. Kotoko bit her lips, trying to suppress her pain and stopped Kotomi from moving around.

Naoki saw it and thus he carried Kotomi and put her on the floor. Kotomi lifted her head up. "Daddy?"

"Mummy need rest, so be a good girl and stay here okay?"

Although confused, Kotomi nodded.

Kotoko was busied with answering questions, listening to the various tonics Mama and her father prepared for her and Kotomi telling her about this new boy she likes that she did not notice Naoki left the room quietly.

Naoki went to the vending machine and got a cup of coffee, leaning against the wall deep in thoughts. He slipped his right hand into his pocket and took out a tie stained with blood that he received from a nurse yesterday. Without a doubt, it was Kotoko's blood.

Even after knowing she was all right, the sight of it still managed to make his blood turned cold. Naoki sipped his coffee and sighed as he rested his head against the wall.

When Naoki returned, everyone had already left, leaving Kotoko alone eating. Kotoko lifted her head up at the sound of the door closing.

"Irie-kun," she greeted with a bright smile.

Naoki took the chair and sat beside her.

"Dad and Mum had returned home with Kotomi. Yuki and Konomi will be coming over after school," Kotoko explained. Naoki acknowledged with a nod of his head.

Silence.

"Want some?" Kotoko offered, sharing with him the fried udon that Mummy had brought.

"No."

Kotoko continued munching on her food but the silence was too deafening. To lighten up, Kotoko said light-heartedly, "Previously, I caused you to be hospitalized and now, it is my turn to end up in the hospital."

It happened during the period when he was busy with those long operations and to be a good wife, she decided to cook some nutritious food for him and brought it to the hospital. After searching for him around the hospital, when she finally found him, she was so excited that she ran down the stairs and missed a step. He caught her but due to fatigue, he had no energy and fell along with her, resulting his leg to be in cast and hospitalized for a few days.

"How ironic, don't you think? I'm always taking care of patients and now it is my turn to be taken care of. Now I understand what those patients go through. This accident doesn't seem to be that bad, at least I will understand my patients better."

Naoki remained expressionless and looked at her intensely. Kotoko lowered her head, knowing she failed. The atmosphere around them grew thicker and more suffocating.

After a few minutes, unable to take it anymore, Kotoko gave in. "Irie- Kun, Sorry," Kotoko apologized ruefully. "Sorry for making you worry."

She knew he was angry, which was why she tried to lighten up the atmosphere but failed miserably. It seemed to make him angrier.

"Don't you think before you do anything?" Naoki finally shouted. He could no longer hold his cool. Kotoko always had a flair for making him lose control. "Don't you know how to avoid the bullet? You are already an adult, a mother!"

Kotoko remained silent. She knew it was her fault, moreover, she would never tell him she did it to save a child from being shot by the bullet, despite knowing she would get shot. She was even more firm on keeping that a secret when Naoki surprised her by showing her the tie stained with blood.

Kotoko held the tie tightly. That was her present to him for their wedding anniversary. She was shopping around, thinking what to get for him as a surprise and then finally came across this tie she felt would suit him well. She bought it and decided to shop around to get some toys or clothes for Kotomi and happened to be in the scene when the robbery took place. She thought she lost it during the incident, maybe it dropped while she was unconscious. However, now she wished she really lost it.

Kotoko smiled sheepishly. "Actually it is meant to be a wedding anniversary present for you. I wanted to give you a surprise but I guess you got a shock instead." For the first time, Naoki agreed with her, albeit silently.

Though he never said it out, he must be shocked when he received the news. "Looks like I have to buy a new one," Kotoko added, her tone purposefully light. "Since you already know, it can't be a surprise anymore. So to make my life easier, do you have any preferences? Such as colour, design or brand?"

Naoki did not replied instead he took out the newspaper he bought and sat at the chair beside her. Kotoko looked at him confused, "Irie-kun, don't you have any duty today?"

"I asked for a few days of leave," he replied coldly and read the newspaper.

It took Kotoko a few seconds to digest his words. She would be shouting with joy, dancing happily if she did not end up in a hospital and trying to lighten up the deafening atmosphere.

Giving up is not her at all, so she attempted another try. "Irie-kun, do you want to go home and have a rest first? There are nurses here and Yuuki and Konomi will be coming over in the afternoon." She heard from Mummy that Naoki had been staying here since last night and she believed he must be tired and need some rest.

Once again, that intense gaze that made Kotoko squirmed uncomfortably.

"Not necessary," he answered a few seconds later and continued reading the newspaper. Being a doctor, there were days when he did the night shift, go through hours of operations, so staying overnight is nothing.

Kotoko decided to take the magazine nearby and read. An hour later, the doctor and nurse comes in.

"It's just a routine check-up, Madam," the doctor smiled kindly. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine, thanks," Kotoko answered, smiling.

The doctor did some basic physical check and measured her heart rate, blood pressure and then scribbled some words in his report. The nurse beside him changed her IV drip, much to Kotoko's despair.

Kotoko could not help but feel funny as she experienced all those that she been doing and see those patients go through for years. Now it was her turn to feel what they went through. As for Naoki, he asked the doctor some very technical questions and Kotoko's health.

"You will stay here for a few days under observation and if everything is fine, we can discharge you," the doctor concluded happily.

"Thanks," Kotoko said.

"Take care," and the doctor and nurse left the room.

In the afternoon, Zinko and Satomi came over for a visit. They chatted for about an hour plus as Zinko got to leave for a date and Satomi had to go get some groceries. Yuuki and Konomi arrived in the late afternoon and they brought Kotoko out to the garden as she wanted some fresh air after lying on the bed for hours.

Then her father came, along with Kinnosuke and Christine.

"Kotoko-chan, are you all right?" Kinnosuke exclaimed as he ran towards her and hugged her tightly.

Kotoko smiled, never know it feels so good to hear his lively voice again. "Thanks Kin-chan, I'm fine."

"You give us a fright when we heard your father tell us about it," Christine added, much calmer compared to Kinnosuke.

"It was an accident, but now everything is all right," Kotoko answered, grinning.

"Here's some tonic soup that helps in your recovery, must finish it," Kotoko's father passed her the flask.

"Thanks Pa, I will."

"Kotoko-chan, you must finish it. Your dad and I make it for hours," Kinnosuke added.

"Thanks Kin-chan, I will."

Christine, Kinnosuke and Kotoko chatted happily as Kotoko told them about how she feels about being a patient and then they talked to her about the happenings at the restaurant.

"So what did the doctor say?" Kotoko's father asked Naoki.

Naoki explained to him in simpler terms and assured him that Kotoko is fine without any side effects.

"I'm going to get some coffee, you want any?" Naoki asked politely.

"Sure."

Naoki closed the door silently, not wanting to interrupt her conversation. Kotoko's father saw her talking so energetically and assured, he left the room too.

Naoki sat down at the chair near the vending machine. From his observation for the whole day, he could safely conclude Kotoko is all right.

"You must be really worried huh?" A voice spoke from behind.

Naoki turned around, surprised to see Kotoko's father standing there, holding two cups of hot coffee. He took a seat beside Naoki and gave him the other cup.

"Although you tried to hide it, I can feel it," Kotoko's father said gently. "I can understand."

Naoki sipped the coffee quietly.

Minutes passed by without anyone talking.

Naoki broke the silence. "How do you feel when Kotoko's mother passed away?"

Kotoko's father paused for a moment and then throw away the empty cup and bought another before he spoke, the sadness evident in his tone as he reminisced those days. "For a period of time I'm unable to accept it but I know that I must stay strong because Kotoko is still young, she needs her father. I guess it is fortunate that I have Kotoko with me, if not I'm not sure when I can move on. In the beginning, it is tough as I have to juggle between the restaurant and taking care of her."

"But slowly, I start adapting quite well although she turned out to be quite a klutz, just like her mother." He added, slightly embarrassed.

Naoki listened attentively as Kotoko's father talked.

"Though she passed away for years, in my heart, she is still alive. The memories we had will never disappear. I did share with Kotoko about her mother, as I'm afraid she did not remember her mother very well since she passed away when Kotoko was very young. Every year, during her death anniversary, as you know and visited when you are still studying, we go back to her birthplace and sweep her tomb and also tell her about our life. I guess that's why I never remarry. To me, there is only one woman I love and she is irreplaceable."

"In the beginning, Kotoko did ask about her mother but as years passed, she started to accept it too. Luckily, she did not insist on having a new mother." Kotoko's father chuckled.

"Maybe like you, to her there is only one mother," Naoki remarked softly.

"Yes I believe so too," Kotoko's father agreed. "Well, the good news is at least Kotoko is well and sound, it must be tough on you." He patted on Naoki's back comfortingly. "I'm really glad Kotoko is alive too. I wouldn't want to experience losing another of my loved ones," Kotoko's father confessed awkwardly.

Taking one last gulp of the coffee, he proclaimed, his tone more cheered up. "Time to be back before she starts wondering where we go."

Naoki threw away the empty cup into the dustbin and followed him.

"Pa, Irie-kun, where did you all go?" Kotoko asked when they returned. Kinnosuke and Christine had returned home and while waiting, she was munching the apple from the fruit basket Satomi and Zinko brought.

"Just some coffee and guys' talk," Kotoko's father answered, smiling. Kotoko raised her eyebrow doubtfully. "Not talking anything bad about me right?"

"What else is there to talk about? We all know how bad you can be."

"Pa!"

Kotoko's father laughed. "Have you finished your soup?"

Kotoko nodded, "Of course, I must. It is Kin-chan and your effort."

"Naoki, you can go back and have a rest, I can take care of her from here," Kotoko's father said.

"Pa, both of you can go back, I'm already all right, in no danger, both of you should go home and rest. Irie-kun, you have been here since last night. Pa you need to open your shop tomorrow. There are nurses and doctors here, don't have to worry about me at all," Kotoko said firmly.

"Take care," Kotoko's father said.

"I will."

Naoki looked at her intensely for a few seconds before he walked away.

"Bye," Kotoko said softly, not expecting any reply. She had gotten used to his coldness and lack of expression. The fact that he stayed overnight already made her very happy and touched. She knew he loves her and cares for her. It was enough to make her smile in her sleep.

For the first time since their marriage, he slept on the bed without her beside him. Despite his odd hours as a doctor, at least when he comes back, he will see her on the bed sleeping. It has been such a long time since he felt such coldness and loneliness.

Naoki lied down on the bed, wide-awake and reflected back on the conversation he had with Kotoko's father. He hated himself for his helplessness, powerless and that uncontrollable fear but now he felt much better after knowing it was normal and acceptable to feel that way. Naoki expected this to be another sleepless night, reminding him of the cold war he had with Kotoko. It was during that period when the sight of Kotoko and Kamagori getting along so well irked him to the core, not knowing what it was called until Kinnosuke, similar to Kotoko whose actions were run by emotions, pointed it out to him.

Why does Kotoko always manage to shake him so badly? Why everything can go so wrong when it comes to her? She never failed to give him surprises.

Due to his intelligence, he never thinks there is anything beyond his control. He could practically do anything effortlessly, whether it was sports, arts or academics. As years passed, life had been smooth for him, too smooth in fact, everything easily achievable that he started to become bored and nonchalant. However, since Kotoko's arrival, his world started turning upside down. He experienced emotions he never had. He was unable to accept it at first. He hated it. So he teased her, bullied her, hurt her but she always manage to stand up. He started to wonder what was the driving force behind it. For example, despite knowing she could not make it into university, why does she still want to go? Would it not be easier by giving up and go to some vocational school instead? People should do things within their limits. Unconsciously, he admired her for her courage, her never wavering determination, her perseverance. He envied her for he never once knew what it felt like to work towards your goal until he found his ambition – to be a doctor. Without his realization, love the emotion he despised most, developed.

By the time he realized it, it was too late. He had fallen.

The moment he proposed to her, he decided not to let her go.

"Kotoko, still alive?"

"Do you need some physiotherapist session? I would gladly be your nurse in charge."

"See any handsome doctor?"

"How do you feel?"

Kotoko was reading some manga that Mama brought along until she was interrupted by the sudden visit of her friends.

"Motoki! Keita! Marina! Tomoko!" Kotoko exclaimed, surprised. "Why are all of you here?"

"What else, to see how long are you going to slack," Motoki answered coolly.

"How does it feel to be a patient?" Marina piped in.

"Don't get lazy. Though you are not much help, some help is better than none," Keita commented.

"Some fruits from us and our colleagues," Tomoko smiled kindly and put the fruit basket on the table beside the table. "Get well soon."

"You sure don't have much luck," Marina remarked as she took a seat. "Or maybe you are, but in a wrong way."

"So what did the doctor say?" Keita asked, concerned.

"Nothing really serious. If everything is well, I can be discharged the day after tomorrow. Just that walking will be slightly inconvenient for a period of time as I sprain my ankle."

"What exactly happen?" Motoki asked, full of interest. "How did you get shot? Do you remember what the robbers look like?"

"Hey! Shouldn't you be more concerned about my life?" Kotoko complained indignantly.

"Well as we can all see, you are healthy and fine, naturally I ask the next most interesting thing," Motoki explained coolly.

"And you call that a friend," Kotoko grumbled.

The next hour, the room was filled with chatter and laughter as they told her the latest gossip in Tonan University hospital, Nobu latest drama series and Kotoko shared with them about the happenings in the hospital she was staying. However, they could not stay long as the hospital was lacking manpower, especially with two of their staffs on leave.

Before leaving, Motoki said honestly, "Glad to see you are all right. You give us a shock back then when we first heard the news."

"Get well soon," Keita added.

Kotoko almost cry out of happiness by their words but what Marina said later destroyed it all.

"It is quite quiet without you, no more the clink and clanks when you drop something and the scolding of Shimizu Reiko whenever you make unbelievably stupid mistake," Marina said fondly.

"Excuse me!"

Everyone laughed.

"But I heard that Dr. Irie got quite a shock as he left halfway during his consultation," Tomoko spoke.

Motoki piped in. "Yes, he manages to find Dr. Ikeda to substitute his place."

"Serious?" Kotoko gasped.

"Didn't you know?" Tomoko looked at her, confused.

Kotoko shook her head. "Who did you heard it from?"

"If I didn't remember wrongly, should be Mika because she was with Dr. Irie at that time," Motoki replied seconds later.

"Take care, we have to go."

Bye."

Naoki was in Tonan's University Hospital, such as writing notes so that Dr. Nishigaki, who would be covering his duties during his two days absence, would be able to follow up some patients' case and other duties and close some loops ends.

As he was reading through some reports, one of the doctor who passed by asked, "Hi Naoki, how's Kotoko?"

"She's fine," Naoki answered.

"Send her my regards."

"I will."

Then, when he was doing one final inspection check of his patients, some of the nurses and doctors who passed by would ask about Kotoko's situation and said words such as asking her to take care and get well soon. Everything operating as usual that Kotoko's accident seemed to be just a dream. Naoki wished it was.

It was afternoon when he finished clearing his stuff and ready to go. Hours later when he arrived, he heard some noise and stopped him from going in.

Eavesdropping.

It is something that only his mother and Kotoko do. He never imagines there will be a day he would actually resort to such means. Yet he got the answer to the question he had been pondering since he first learnt of Kotoko's accident.

...Continued