Disclaimer: Victorious. Nup.

Cat had never liked the darkness. Her imagination filled it with things that could hurt her, things she couldn't see that would creep up on her. She'd had a nightlight for most of her childhood. The monsters had never been in her closet, no... they'd been everywhere. They'd been innocent things that changed as soon as they couldn't be seen, that grew fangs and prowled around her, wanting to hurt her. The dark was like a blanket pressing over her, covering her eyes and her body and her mouth, and no matter how hard she looked, she couldn't see.

It was almost comforting now. Cat had always struggled against it, always strained to see some light, to pry that smothering darkness off her. But once she gave in, her knees drawn up to her chin, arms wrapped tight around them, pressed into a corner of her room, it wasn't so bad. Having that heavy blanket draped over her, it almost made her feel safe now. And the monsters? They couldn't hurt her more than she was already hurting. She couldn't stand the light right now. She couldn't stand to see her floral wallpaper, her still too-bright room. She couldn't stand to see herself. At least in the dark, things were still. At least in the dark, she could stop. She didn't have to pretend to be together, to be the Cat that people thought she was. That Jade thought she was. She didn't have to be Cat at all. She'd never minded being Cat, in fact, she'd liked being Cat. Cat was happy. She didn't feel like Cat. Cat felt like a shell to her, a piece of clothing she put on in the morning to cover her nakedness. She could just be this feeling in the dark. She could just be this emotion. She could just be this pain. She could peel off that ill-fitting skin.

Cat didn't understand. It didn't make sense to her, that her heart could actually hurt. That it could hurt so much over just a feeling. It wasn't real. How could it hurt? How could it actually hurt her? And the darkness crept in through her ears and settled over her brain, covering it. It was almost calming, almost numbing. She'd stopped crying. She'd cried until there wasn't any meaning in it any more. It was just this dull ache, this throbbing in her head and this pain in her heart. The voices in her head subsided, turned hoarse and stuttered out. Her mind felt thick and slow, creeping forward over it's thoughts ponderously, picking out a path to follow, stumbling over the broken pieces towards a shining, persistent glimmer. What if Jade did like her that way? Could she really...? Cat had never hoped... no, that wasn't true. She had hoped, but she'd squashed it down, because there was some hope that helped and some hope that didn't, and she didn't need her heart tripping over itself everytime she saw Jade. Not that it didn't anyway. But whatever Cat had hoped for, it wasn't this. She'd wanted Jade to like her like she liked Jade, and she wasn't even sure Jade did, despite the brunette's actions. If Jade liked her, how could she do that? How could she just... how was it so easy for her? Cat could never even think about doing that to someone. About hurting someone that way. Maybe it was her... maybe she deserved it, to be hurt that way. Maybe she wanted it. She'd never stopped Jade, never really tried to. It was better that Jade had left. But... but what if Jade did like her? She couldn't stop the thought from creeping into her mind, from whispering to her.

Cat raised her head from her knees, sniffing. What if Jade had meant it? Cat felt a flutter in her heart. What if... what if she and Jade could be together? What if they could get past this? Jade had said she was finished with Beck, that... that she wanted to be with her. What if they could be together? What if everything Cat wanted could come true, and she could hold Jade's hand, and kiss her. Cat felt a soft smile tug at her lips at the thought. It made her heart hurt a little less, and she stood, her legs stiff from sitting so long, muscles shaky. Cat opened her door carefully, peeking out. Her eyes felt hot and dry, like whatever moisture had been in them had been cried out and not replaced, like a poison had been drained from her. She waded through the darkness of her house to the bathroom, the door shutting with a soft click, light flickering on with a hum. She tried not to look at herself, instead twisting the tap on, the sound of the water echoing off the tiles as she splashed water on her face, cooling the flushed skin. Maybe... maybe things could be okay. Cat was still in her. The Cat she was before... but that Cat was scared, was shocked into hiding. That Cat was a child. Maybe she could be that Cat again, the one she remembered being before this, the one she was only fragments of now. Maybe she could join herself back together, and be a person Jade could love.

Cat shut off the tap, grabbing a handtowel and wiping her face, letting out a long breath it felt like she'd been holding forever. She finally looked at herself, a few drops of water still dripping from her face. Her eyes were wide, bloodshot, but she could see something in them, and when she smiled, it almost felt real, even just the physical act of doing so made her feel a little better. She had to stop doing this, she had to stop crushing her hope all the time. She had to trust in Jade... Jade wouldn't hurt her like that again, she hadn't meant to the first time. Maybe Jade was just as confused as she was. She wasn't being fair to Jade. Cat lifted that glass cover off her hope, and let it bloom. Everything was going to be okay. She was sick of feeling hollow, she needed something to fill her, something to banish that hurt. She had to peel this wet sheet off her brain, and let the light in. She wanted to be Cat again, and maybe she could be if she'd just let herself.

She padded back to her room, shutting the door and crawling under her covers and bunching them around her. She still wallowed in the darkness, it was still safer there, but she had something to hold onto. A promise that things would be different, that they could be. A pinpoint of light in the dark. A star to fix on, to aim for.

Cat brushed her hair back with a hand, studying it in the mirror, nodding eventually, satisfied. When she tried out a smile, it didn't feel as forced, didn't feel as hollow. It wasn't as hard today. The mask was easier to put on, fit closer to her skin. She felt almost like Cat, like she felt before... before everything. Her heart still beat just as fast as always when she thought of Jade, it just hurt a little more. Jade had her hand around it now, and Cat didn't think Jade realised how tight her grip was.

For the first time in a while, Cat noticed it was sunny. She was sure it'd been sunny yesterday, and maybe the day before that, but when she remembered, everything seemed grey. The days may have been sunny, but this was the first day in a long time that it'd felt like it. Cat's hope was fragile, she knew that, and she tried to rein it in a little, but it was her... she couldn't stop her mind from leaping forward, from picturing her and Jade together, holding hands, kissing, laughing... being happy together. Cat's mother had always said that she sprinted before she could walk, and that's why she always ended up tripping and hurting herself, but Cat had never been good at walking, even in real life. She always wanted to see what was ahead, faster than her legs would let her. If she hadn't been an actress, Cat thought she might've been a marathon runner. She hated track; what was the point of running in a circle? You never saw anything new, just the same thing, again and again.

Cat tried to contain herself on the way to school, barely registering what her mother said to her, until eventually she gave up, turning up the radio, the sound of a morning news program filling the car. As painful as the memories of yesterday were, Cat couldn't help but replay what Jade said to her, right before, couldn't help but hear the words in a variety of ways, until she wasn't sure what tone Jade had said them in, or how Jade's face had looked when she said them, the memory polluted by her own imagination, her own hopes, her own rose-coloured glasses. She tried not to remember the next bit, what happened after. She tried not to remember Jade leaving. She tried to forget the time spent in her room, face buried in her lap as the light slowly faded until she was alone in the dark, face wet and head thick, stuffed with cotton wool.

Cat climbed out of the car as her mother pulled up to the kerb, waving goodbye and pulling her bag out, a smile on her face. And each time Cat smiled, she felt like it got that much closer to reaching her eyes, that much closer to being real. To being a smile she could feel in her heart, instead of a smile that pushed over the tightness in her throat.

Jade turned from her locker as she felt a hand tentatively tap her back, eyes widening when she saw it was Cat. Cat wasn't sure whether to smile or frown or... she didn't know how to act around Jade. Her stomach told her to smile, but her heart said she probably shouldn't, and her brain just twisted itself around in knots and refused to tell her anything.

"Cat..." Jade shifted uneasily, closing her locker door. "Are you... okay?"

Cat chewed her lip. Was she okay? She didn't even know. She was just... parts of her were okay, but then there were parts that weren't, and some parts were good, but she wasn't sure what all those parts added up to. "Look, I'm sorry about yesterday..." Jade looked around, Cat jumping when she felt Jade's fingers brush her elbow. "Can we...Cat, we need to talk." Jade's voice was low, Cat nodding, unable to stop the flutter in her heart.

Cat's heart felt like it was bursting out of her chest by the time they reached the auditorium, Jade closing the door behind them. Cat wondered if Jade could hear it, because the sound of it was thundering in her ears, filling the silence. Jade leant against the door for a moment, taking a deep breath before turning to Cat. "Cat..." Jade put a hand to her forehead, nailpolish chipped black. "I'm sorry, okay? About... about everything." Jade took her hand away from her face, eyes flicking to meet Cat's briefly before skittering away.

Cat smiled, shrugging. "It's okay."

Jade raised her head, staring at Cat, eyebrows tugged down till they almost met over the bridge of her nose. "What? 'It's okay'? Cat, you wouldn't stop... crying." Jade said the last word slowly, her face softening.

Cat shifted uncomfortably. She wanted to pretend that that part wasn't real, that it'd never happened. She wanted to remember Jade like this; concerned, not the Jade yesterday, who hadn't listened to her, who'd hurt her... who'd left. It made the tears want to come back, made the pit of her stomach drop out and her legs go wobbly. It made her forget how to live. Cat didn't want to remember. She looked down at her hands, fingers crawling over each other nervously. "Did you mean what you said?" Cat said softly, sneaking a glance up at Jade, the taller girl chewing her lip.

"I said a lot of stuff Cat."

Cat twisted her mouth. "Th-that you want me." Cat circled a hand around her wrist, gripping tight, not daring to look at Jade. She didn't want to see Jade's answer in her face.

Jade let out a long breath. "Cat..." She began eventually, "I... I do want you... I did want you, but-"

"B-but?" Cat couldn't stop the word squeaking out of her, heart thudding so hard it was starting to hurt, to shake her body, rattle against her ribs.

Jade sighed heavily, turning away from the red velvet haired girl, Cat flinching as she did so. "But... I was upset. Cat... you have to understand, I-" She stole a glance back at Cat, "I still love Beck."

Cat swallowed hard, forcing her heart back down her throat. "So you and Beck...?"

Jade nodded. "We're back together." The brunette girl turned to face Cat again. "Cat, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for... for what happened yesterday to happen. I was upset, and..." Jade twisted her mouth, looking down. "I just needed someone to love me."

Cat fought to stop tears from spilling over her eyelashes, trying to push them back into her eyes through sheer force of will. But Cat had always been weak. She didn't... if she cried she'd fall apart, and she didn't want to, she didn't want to fall apart. She wanted to stay whole, even fragmented as she was. "So... it was a lie?" Cat's voice shook, barely above a whisper.

Jade shook her head. "It wasn't a lie Cat, but... it couldn't happen. It can't, you know it can't." She lifted a hand, a thumb brushing away a stray tear that had escaped Cat's eyes. "Look at what I've already done to you." She took her hand away, rubbing her wet thumb and index finger together to demonstrate to Cat. "I don't love you Cat. I love Beck. And you don't love me."

Cat sniffed, shaking her head furiously, "I do. I love you." She swiped the back of her hand across her face, wiping away more hot tears that had spilled.

Jade looked at her in disbelief. "Why? Why do you love me?"

"I don't want to. I don't want to anymore."

Jade circled a hand around Cat's wrist, pulling her hand away from her face. "Then don't. I'm not worth it, Cat."

Cat pulled her wrist free, backing away from Jade. "Don't you think I've tried? I've tried so hard Jade, but I can't. I don't want to be in love with you. I'm not enough." Cat looked up at Jade, her eyes wide, the tears streaming freely, unheeded. "I know I'm not enough, I do, it's okay. B-but I can't stop it hurting." She put a hand to her chest tentatively, touching over her heart. "Please Jade. M-make it stop hurting, please?"

"Cat..." Jade stared at the smaller girl, green eyes wide, her arm half reaching out to the crying girl before dropping back to her side, hand loosely clenching into a fist. "I'm sorry." Jade took a deep breath, her shoulders slumping. "Cat, I'm so sorry." She lifted her hand again, fingers reaching out before recoiling back as she sighed. "Fuck." She flinched as Cat sobbed. "Cat, I'm not worth... I'm not worth this. I can't... I don't know how to help you, I don't... I don't know what to do." Jade ran a hand through her hair, biting her lip and swearing again. "I just fuck everything up Cat. I just... I never meant to... I just needed someone to love me." She sighed again, closing her eyes for a moment before taking a deep breath. "Cat... I'm gonna get Lane, okay? Just... just stay here, okay?" Jade's fingertips brushed Cat's shoulder lightly, hesitantly, lingering for a moment before the brunette turned away, looking back as she exited the auditorium.

Cat wiped her eyes roughly, hiccuping. She didn't want to talk to Lane. She didn't want to talk to anyone. She'd been to therapists before, a lot of them, and they all looked at her the same way. With that pity. They made her talk but they never listened. How could she even explain this clawing in her chest? Jade was stroking her face with one hand, and digging her nails into Cat's heart with the other. Cat stumbled towards the exit, taking deep breaths, wiping her face with her sleeves and sniffing. She left. Jade left her, again. That was all Cat could think, all she could focus on. It was all she could ever fucking focus on; Jade, Jade, Jade. She wanted Jade out of her head, out of her heart. Jade was a drug, flooding her system, infecting her brain, poisoning her, but she was addicted. She was hopelessly hooked on her.

She couldn't stay here, couldn't pretend to be okay anymore, to go to class, and to talk to Tori, to Robbie, to anyone, and act like she wasn't sloughing apart in painful chunks. Friends ask questions, strangers don't care, and just wanted to be alone, to not have to look at anyone, to look at all these people who didn't care, all these people that could hurt her, all these people she could see Jade in.

Cat blinked. Somehow she'd made it outside, the sun shining down on her. And it didn't seem so sunny anymore. She saw everything blurred through tears, and it drained the world of colour. She saw everything, and it meant nothing. She just wanted to go home, even as the word rang hollow to her. Home. It's where the heart is, and Cat's heart had been evicted, rejected from it's home. Home to her now was just a place where could be alone, where she could lick her wounds, and pretend like her heart was still her own. Cat took a deep breath, pressing her fingertips to her temples. She needed to push it down, she couldn't... she couldn't break down here, she couldn't be here, where she felt more alone among everyone than she did when she was by herself. She shoved it down, pushed it back inside her and sewed up her bursting seams. She just had to make it home. Cat tried to get her legs working, keeping her eyes downcast, away from the world. She knew how to make it home from Hollywood Arts, the difficulty would be in trying not to think on the way.

Cat let herself into the house, shutting the door slowly, quietly. Her parents were at work, her brother, well... Cat had no idea what he did most days, but he was rarely home. Cat's room was her sanctuary, the one place that was hers and hers alone, that she imbued with her self. But it just made her sick now, seeing what she was, what she'd been. She'd been so stupid, so naïve, such a... a child. All the things she'd thought were cute, were adorable, they repulsed her now, the bright, simple colours, the care she'd taken in picking out the cutest things she could find. What was the point? She had to grow up. This room wasn't hers anymore, it was the Cat she was before, but she wasn't that girl anymore. She didn't know where that girl was... the only sign left was this room, making her aware of the disparity between what she used to be, and whatever she was now.

Cat dropped her bag at the foot of the bed, moving to sit on it, mattress squeaking. She sat there for a moment, staring blankly at the carpet and wondering why she wasn't feeling anything. When she'd left school, she'd shoved it all back inside her, and she'd still felt like she was about to burst, to split at the sides and have it all come pouring out. But somewhere along the way, it'd eased, it'd sunk deep inside her, and she was just... numb. And she kind of wanted to reach down inside herself, find where it was, and just pull it out, draw this worm out of the apple of her heart, before it rotted everything inside. But maybe it was too late for that.

Cat sighed, laying back on her bed, fingers splayed on her stomach. She felt the muscles, twitch, shake, jerk under her hands, her body trembling. It was doing what it was supposed to, Cat just wasn't feeling the emotions that were supposed to cause it. Her maelstrom of a mind was calm, in the eye of the storm. Cat knew it wouldn't last long, this blankness. She could already feel the thoughts start to creep in, creating ripples.

Jade. How could even just her name cause so much pain? Why did Cat see it everywhere, her ears pricking up everytime the word was mentioned? Why? Why did Cat love her? She didn't want to, she wasn't meant to. All Jade did was use her, and hurt her. Jade was selfish, and mean, and manipulative, and even as Cat told herself all these things, she found herself countering every one, she found herself not caring. Jade was all those things, but Cat couldn't bring herself to be angry. She shouldn't have expected better for herself. She shouldn't have thought Jade would actually want her. She was just Cat, she was nothing. She was a carbon copy of everyone else, and copies are always inferior. It wasn't Jade's fault that she got so hurt, that she expected so much. Jade had just wanted someone to love her, because Jade hurt too. But Jade didn't want Cat to love her. Cat's body jerked, her fingers curling. Jade loved Beck, not Cat. Who could ever love her? No one ever had before, so why should she think it'd be different now? She'd known Jade didn't love her, she'd always known that, but she'd let herself be used anyway. What kind of pathetic person just lets themselves be used?

Cat felt hot tears sting her eyes, and she blinked them away. What good did crying do? Nothing would do any good, nothing would help. She'd given everything to Jade, and it hadn't been enough. And now she had nothing left. She had no one, nothing, just this pain, which was quickly becoming like a friend. It never left her. It never turned away from her. She embraced it finally, and it felt oddly familiar to sink into it's arms. To stop fighting this feeling and just give into it. To smash that glass jar containing her hope and let it escape, to snuff out that light, that optimism that had always shone in her.

All that played through Cat's mind was Jade. The look on her face... the pity. Jade saying not to love her. Even now, all she wanted to do was make Jade happy, all she wanted to do was stop loving her. Stop everything. Cat just wanted to sleep, to sleep and sleep until she woke up and everything was different, everything was better. Where everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. She just wanted to stop her heart from beating, because Jade was in every beat, every breath, every throb. Jade was in her, and Cat didn't want her to be anymore. Jade didn't want to be anymore. Cat wanted it out. At least she couldn't think of Jade when she slept. At least it didn't hurt then.

Cat rolled off her bed, making her way to her parents' bathroom. She scrabbled through the drawers, avoiding the sight of herself. She didn't need to see the cracks running through her to know they were there. To know that they were splitting wider with every second that passed. Cat's fingers found a familiar shape, her hand circling around it. Cat's mother had insomnia. The doctors suggested moving somewhere quieter, more stress-free, but Cat's mother insisted they stay there... for Cat, so she could go to Hollywood Arts. So she'd been prescribed sleeping pills. Cat had always felt bad about that, that she kept her mother up at night... that she was the reason they couldn't move away, because she had to be a star, to make her family proud. Cat's hand tightened around the pill bottle. She'd stop embarrassing them, she'd stop her mother's sleepless nights, she'd stop hurting Jade, and... and she'd stop hurting. She'd just stop. Cat popped off the lid. She just wanted to sleep. To forget. No one would miss her while she was gone. Cat shook out a pill hesitantly, picking it up between her thumb and index finger and placing it on her tongue. It tasted almost sweet, and Cat added another one, and another before leaning down over the tap and filling her mouth with water, the pills sticking as she swallowed, before sliding down her throat. She took a deep breath, straightening up and brushing her hair back, finally looking doubtfully into the mirror. Chocolatey eyes stared back into hers, wide and ringed with dark lashes, eyebrows tugging down. It wasn't her. It was Cat, but it wasn't her. She saw herself, and she felt nothing. It was a stranger she saw, who just had a passing resemblance to that girl Cat, that girl she once knew. Cat tore her eyes away from her reflection, pouring more pills out onto the palm of her hand and bringing it to her mouth, gritting her teeth and filling her mouth with water again, swallowing quickly. She took a ragged breath, dropping the pill bottle in the sink. That should be enough, so that she'd sleep for a while. For long enough. Her stomach churned uneasily, Cat putting her hands to it and walking back to her room.

She just wanted to stop loving Jade. It was tearing her apart. Jade had so much power over her. Even after everything she'd done, even after she'd toyed with Cat's heart, even after she'd essentially raped Cat, Cat couldn't stop loving her, couldn't stop being in love with her. She'd tried so hard to make it stop, to tell herself that Jade was using her, that no one could ever, ever love her, but her heart never wavered. And Cat had hoped, even as Jade was crushing her in the auditorium, she'd hoped that maybe that would be it, that Jade's rejection of her would break the spell the brunette had over her heart, that maybe then her heart would falter, and start to doubt itself. But it hadn't. It kept beating just as hard for her, even though a throb of pain accompanied each beat.

Cat yawned, sitting back on her bed and reaching for her phone. This love was a poison, steeping in her veins. It was so much a part of her now. It'd hollowed out everything of the old Cat and cast it out, until it was all that was left, until it took over her, controlled every action, every thought. It was all of her now, and there was no way to get it out without destroying the rest of her. It was too wrapped up in her now, too much a part to be unravelled from her. Sleep. Sleep would stop it, would stop everything. Cat lay back on her bed, shuffling on her side, tucking her hair behind her ear, phone clutched in a hand as she yawned again. She didn't want to be this person anymore, she didn't want to feel this way. Cat's fingers clumsily unlocked her phone, Cat squinting to look at the screen, her eyelids starting to feel heavy. She'd tell Jade it was okay, that she was going to stop loving her. That she'd found a way, and that Jade didn't have to worry anymore. Jade didn't have to worry about hurting her anymore, and she could be with Beck, and be happy, and not feel conflicted about Cat.

Cat blinked, her eyebrows furrowing as she concentrated, starting a text message to Jade. It was getting harder and harder to focus.

'It's okay, I found a way to make it stop.'

She pressed send, dropping her phone onto the bedspread, her head swimming. She felt like she did so long ago, the first time Jade had kissed her, and she smiled, remembering. Things had been so beautiful then, when they were just two people in the dark. Cat frowned, snuggling into her pillow, her heart thudding painfully hard, threads of panic reaching from her brain and trying to stir her limbs, to no avail. But everything was so fragile, and people were so clumsy. You can only be broken so many times before the pieces are too small to stick back together. Cat closed her eyes, her body feeling heavy, hands curled into loose fists. And as she slipped into the sleep she so desperately longed for, she swore she could almost hear her phone ring, wavering through the water that surrounded her, as she let herself drown. She stopped swimming, and let the water fill her lungs.

A/N: Please review, I do believe this is the only character death I've ever written, as well as the longest chapter, so... a double whammy, I guess.

But please, do tell me if it affected you in any way.