Hey you guys! As a rule, I never update without listening to music while I write. This is NOT why I haven't updated. I haven't updated because I suck. That's the only truth I can give you. Sorry. Also I've been sucking in school. Not that that has anything to do with anything… I'm just putting it out there.

Anyways, IDK if anyone even reads this shit.. but I think it'd be cool if I gave a few SHOUT OUTS.

To those who favorited me as an AUTHOR: (thanks for your patience.. o.O)

Cathyjes, Miss Rosalita Mary Whitlock, Native Moon, Jemmett, JenGlasgow, peyj, TeAm-WoLf-PaCk13, freakyfairy1987, Professor Badass ( sweet name, btw.), heathermea (ESPECIALLY), NC-MjR-FanForLife

To those who put me on AUTHOR ALERT: Miss Rosalita Mary Whitlock, Native Moon, Devon Stone, freakyfairy1987, heathermea, bubblegum black

Thanks. Much Love. I have all your names written down because I'm creepy like that. ;D

( GO CHARLOTTE!)

"Do you think you're funny Miss Bella?" He asked, gripping my upper arms causing my hands to rest just below his shoulders by reflex.

"No, Major Whitlock, sir." I said as innocently as possible.

His eyes grew darker and I wondered if I angered him by using his old name but was quickly assured that everything was just fine and dandy between us as his eyes lightened back to that golden color with flecks of black and he stepped closer but not as close as I thought he would.

"I think you better straighten up your act, Miss Swan. If you think stalking people around their own home if humorous, you should be aware of what you might see.." He said seriously but entirely joking at the same time.

Why is it always left and right with Jasper? There's never left OR right. There's always both… or neither… but there's no middle ground. There's no set in stone answer but there's no hidden message either. It's obvious, maybe too obvious, what's going on. That's probably why I can't see it. I only see hidden messages. I'm a crossword wiz, I'm a pro at riddles, and would even go as far as to say the Jesus of decoding, but for some odd reason I could never see the bunny cloud or the cell phone on the table right in front of me.

"I was not stalking." I defended myself. He raised an eyebrow. The one with the scar right above it. The scar I almost touched the other night when I was watching him like a total creeper. "I was merely…marauding in your footsteps."

He laughed. He let go of my arms and just stood there laughing. I walked away to the sexist kitchen only to find my favorite mother in the whole wide world there. Not that I don't love my own mother, I do. It's just that, honestly, she's lacking in the mother department.

"Hi Esme." I greeted her.

"Hello dear. What has you here in the kitchen?" The Kitchen? Pfft, yeah. This was the woman form of a Man Cave.

"Just a bit of.. diversity I suppose." I responded trying to politely word that her son sucked at the moment.

"Diversity? Of what sort?" She questioned.

"Well I've had enough of the men around here for a few minutes. I'd like to have a lady's company for a bit." I said sounding like I really wanted to talk to her, but in actuality, I just wasn't ready to be near Jasper right now.

"Oh, excellent! I'm a lady and I'd love to have your company. What shall we do?"

"We can… What is there to do for the women in this house to do?"

"Oh lots of things! We… well we… Rose likes to build cars-"

"As long as we're in the sexist kitchen, I'd like to point out that that's men's work."

"Well Alice-"

"Is soul searching right now.."

Just then Carlisle appeared out of thin air. He just stood there like a statue. A hot, fatherly statue. God, I've become such a creep. I guess since my "boyfriend" is well over the limit of pedophilia I just haven't seemed to care these days. I'm 18 years old anyways. That's legal. Who cares anyways? Who's judging me?.. Besides me? Who's judgment matters besides mine? No ones..

"Carlisle, dear, what is something Bella and I can do as women and enjoy ourselves thoroughly?"

"You cook."

"I've already eaten only a few minutes ago."

"Well, you've certainly made this hard Isabella." She said while smiling at me fondly. "I know! We could go out and have fun. Do you think you'd like that?"

"Sure. Do you think anyone else wants to go?" I asked looking at Carlisle. He quickly retreated.

"I'd like to go, if at all possible, Esme." Charlotte said sweetly standing where Carlisle had been a second earlier.

"And me too." Rose said from right next to her.

"You meanus, Rosie.We'll go too, Esme."

"And us." Peter said with a smile; his arm over Jasper's shoulder and Jasper's arm on top of his. Their brotherly joy made me wonder what was so fun that I missed out on. I was tired of missing fun because of Gayward. I wanted to have fun with Papa Peter and Jasper.

"Fantastic. How shall we go?" Esme said beaming.

"Peter and Char with Rosie and I in my Jeep. Jazz, you, and Bella in Carlisle's Mercedes."

When everyone nodded their assent to this seating plan, no one said that Rose was just as big a shopaholic as Alice, although she had better taste in my opinion and wasn't nearly as much of a domineering power shopper as Alice. On the ride home, Jasper drove and I rode shotgun. Poor Esme was stuck in the backseat buried under a seemingly endless pile of clothes. I literally couldn't see her whenever I looked back to see if she was okay.

I started to wonder is a giraffe would jump out of the backseat pile when we pulled up to the Cullen's mansion. Possibly, the giraffe would have been followed by a small population of starving orphans that scattered towards the forest outside of the car and then Esme popped her head up out of the clothes and giggled.

"Are you okay, Esme?" I asked, worried, despite her vampirism that she may have been harmed deep in the depths of that fashion wasteland.

"Just fine, dear."

Carlisle appeared at the front door and walked at a brisk human pace towards the backseat door and opened it. He pushed the clothes aside as he helped his wife out of the car. How sweet! He's like 3 billion years old and they're the sweetest, most adorable couple ever.

Rose grabbed a bag from the backseat and Emmett got the rest. The pile even looked intimidating in his huge arms. They went on their merry way as Peter and Charlotte walked in front of the Mercedes holding hands and at least 3 bags each in their other hand.

I looked over at Jasper at the same time that he looked at me and we just laughed.

Three stories above us, Edward opened his bedroom window and bellowed, "I'm TRYING to listen to Nocturnes In Eb!"

Jasper looked at him and said, "Get bent."

I suppose the Esme had just went inside as Carlisle was left standing waiting for us to get the hell out of his car but I jumped when his voice said from 5 feet away from my door, "Arguing long distance are we?" Jasper and I nodded. "Carry on then." He said while walking back into the house. What a strange man.

I walked inside after Carlisle and Jasper followed but passed me as I went to the living room and he went upstairs to chat with Edward. As I was sitting next to Peter watching the boring ass news, Edward tumbled down every stair until finally coming to a stop by the coffee table. I immediately stood up to get my drink and sat back down.

"You little fuck! You think you're funny? This is getting ridiculous. This is child's play. I'll end your worthless fucking life." Jasper said seething at Edward.

"What have I done now?" Edward whined in a voice straight out of the "Children That Need Attention" handbook.

Jasper tossed Edward out the open front door. "Don't come back inside until I say you can." As he walked back upstairs I got a text from the wonderfully beautiful Charlotte.

"I took his clothes. It probably stings extra worse because we were just at the mall and he didn't buy and clothes. XD – Charlotte"

I felt so proud of her I texted back immediately.

"GO CHARLOTTE! – Bella"

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