If anyone out there by some chance actually ends up reading this old dust bunny of a story, I suggest going back and reading the chapter before to freshen up on where we left off, cause I picked up right there.

On another note, I suck at endings, and, well, this is the end! It's been months I know but better late than never right? I know it's been seriously dragged out but here it is! So for those of you few and far between who read this, review? Cause I'd love to know how the end's received. Never actually finished a story before haha. So we'll see how it goes. Hope you enjoy.

Now that this is done I swear to everything good that I will get right back on OTW, I know it's been too long. Love you guys for hangin in there!

Xx

Dean's heart shattered hearing the softly spoken confession whispered into his shoulder, so desolate and submissive. He couldn't handle hearing those words, or the defeat that dripped from them.

"Don't say that Sam." He breathed, clutching his brother tighter, "Don't say that." His head shook in denial. "It's not true. Long as you don't give up it's not true." He encouraged as strongly as he could.

Sam sucked in a deep lungful of air before squeezing his eyes shut, "I don't know how to get past this Dean." He shuddered, eventually backing away from the embrace to look his brother in the eye, "I don't know how to keep going if I have to relive this every night. I don't know," He shook his head, "I just…don't know what to do."

Dean's chest felt like it was collapsing hearing the desperation in Sam's voice, pleading for him to find something, anything to make this better. His body felt like it was concaving, being sucked into a black hole at the center of his chest and he had to do something. He'd try anything at this point to keep Sam from giving up. He would not let this take over.

"Maybe you should…maybe you should take me through that night." Dean croaked, wishing there were any other words he could've said, any other way he could've thought to help his brother, but there wasn't - he was running out of options. "I know it's hard Sammy, I can't even imagine…but it could help. To get it all out, face it head on, and then maybe start letting it go. Moving on." He whispered, stroking the back of Sam's neck as he spoke, feeling the tension in the muscles under his hands.

"Dean I…" Sam choked before ducking his head onto Dean's shoulder again, clutching at his back, trying to hide from the words. He'd do anything not to go back there, especially not with Dean.

"I know Sammy, shh, sh. It's okay." Dean comforted, continuing to soothe his brother with gentle hands and calm words, "I know you don't want to, but maybe you should try." He rasped, his voice quiet and low next to Sam's ear.

Sam trembled slightly against Dean, "You don't wanna know, Dean." He shook his head against his brother. "Don't make me tell you, you don't wanna know."

Sam was right, he really didn't. In fact he'd give just about anything to never hear the details of that night, but knowing it was for Sam, Dean steeled himself and stayed strong.

"I do Sammy." Dean whispered, "I want to know. You can tell me." He breathed hugging Sam tighter, "You can tell me anything, you know that. I won't judge you and I sure as hell 'm not going anywhere, you've got nothing to be scared of. I'll be right here. Always."

"Dean," Sam croaked, shaking his head again, "Please…" He sighed shakily, not even sure what he was asking for anymore.

Dean's teeth ground down, his jaw aching as he hardened himself against the tears that wanted to surface, "Come on Sam." He huffed dropping his chin down onto Sam's head, still tucked into his chest, "You can do this. Please, I don't know what else to try."

Sam stilled in Dean's arms, seeming to soften at hearing the pain in his brother's voice, only then realizing how hard this was for him too.

"I'll be right here the whole time, you've got nothing to be scared of. You can tell me." Dean repeated, rubbing lightly across his back and shoulders, through the soft curls at the base of his neck and down his ribs.

Sam took in a shuddering breath, shut his eyes and steeled himself for what he was about to do. He took in another, filled his lungs deep and tried to let the walls down in his head, tried to take himself back to that night, fighting every instinct screaming at him not to.

Slowly, reluctantly, he let the floodgates open, let in the haunted memories and tried to hold himself together as it all promptly resurfaced; shaking him to the core and drowning him in overwhelmingly dreaded and buried sensations, images, pain.

"Shh Sammy, it's okay. I'm right here." Dean consoled, sensing Sam slowly surrendering to that night, trembling harder in his arms, "What happened?" He prodded, trying to numb himself from what he was about to hear and knowing he failed hopelessly the second Sam started to speak.

"I…" Sam rasped before clearing his throat and pulling away from Dean, hardening his features into what he hopped was an emotionless mask as he leaned forward onto his knees, dropping his head to rest between his shoulders.

"Like I told you before, I'd just shot up when it happened." He finally began, his voice hard and unforgiving, concealing any emotion attached to the words. "…And I remember I was having these, surreal dreams, but I wasn't asleep, and I knew they were dreams. I remember...fantasizing a lot that day. My dreams were all about you," Sam smiled sadly, "The high…it always made me think of you. Was like I could feel you there, everywhere around me.

"God it always felt so good, so real. Every time it was like…I wasn't even in my own body anymore, like I was in another dimension, just floating in space, in the most intense ecstasy, surrounded by everything I could've ever wanted. Never wanted it to stop." He whispered, his eyes distant and wistful as he recalled what seemed to be the only good part of that day.

Dean watched as his brother's eyes slowly clouded and darkened, sensing as the next part of his story quickly surfaced in his thoughts, "It's okay Sam. Keep going." He encouraged gently, his heart still aching from his brother's quiet admission of the all-consuming pleasure of his high, every sensation seemingly centered around him.

Dean was distantly reminded of the withdrawal and the painful knowledge that all of this could've been avoided if he'd realized what his brother had wanted earlier. He wouldn't have run away if Dean had woken his stupid, sorry ass up sooner and recognized what'd been right in front of him all along.

Dean silently sighed as Sam blinked hard once and continued.

"They snuck up on me without me ever realizing," Sam shook his head with a self-deprecating chuckle, "It's sad how easy I made it for them. Practically handed myself over, begged to be taken." He pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, "They knocked me out with a freakin' pan," Sam chortled again, no humor in the sound. Dean's nostril's flared as his jaw clenched again, knowing the horror of that moment and disregarding his brother's quiet laughter, recognizing it as the defense mechanism it was.

"I came to a few hours later, sitting up against a wall in some other disgusting back alley. The four of them were laughing. Talking, I couldn't understand 'em though. I remember feeling really heavy." He breathed, "They gave me something, muscle relaxants maybe I don't know, I just remember it was so hard to move. Impossible almost.

"I tried anyway," He shrugged, "Barely got an inch before they realized I was awake. And I could hear them moving closer. Tried to open my eyes, but it was hard. Then one of 'em hit me…woke me up a little I guess, and I got my eyes open. It was so dark though it really didn't help much. Then they hit me again, knocked me over onto my side." Sam flinched ever so subtly, as if he'd actually just been hit, he was so deep in his memories it probably felt like he had and Dean had to repress the urge to stop his brother from going on, holding his tongue and fighting his instincts to let him continue.

"X came up to me, grabbed my face, yanked my head up and…asked if I'd missed him…" Sam twitched again, the movement hardly even noticeable as flash of a memory struck through his thoughts, but Dean saw it. "That's when I realized who they were…that fucking accent." Dean bit his lip, watching Sam struggle through his words and trying his hardest not to speak, not wanting to interrupt the delicacy of the moment, knowing Sam could clam up at any time.

"He…leaned in toward me, forced my mouth open, bit at my lip," Sam's fingers unconsciously brushed over his mouth, "And shoved his tongue in." He finished in disgust, his face pinching up at the memory as his hand fell away, "When he was done, he asked if the others wanted a taste.

"One of 'em did…tasted like onions and whiskey. Was disgusting." He snipped, his voice hard and curt. "They gagged me after that. …Shoved the rag so deep I could hardly breathe. I kept gagging on it, and I tried to claw it out but they put duct tape around my head and I just didn't have the strength to fight them…"

Dean suppressed a shudder and stayed quiet, allowing Sam to stay focused on his story, trying his hardest not to bring him from his memories.

"X started in with his bravado, bragging, tellin' me how much he was gonna enjoy this, that they hadn't had this kinda fun in too long, how revenge was just icing on the cake, gettin' in my face about it." He said quietly before a small smile crept over his lips, "So I head-butted him, knocked him on his ass."

Dean was about to laugh with him when Sam's small smirk vanished like a candle in the wind, "For a second at least." He continued, somber again, "In the end it really didn't end up being worth the moment's satisfaction, I just pissed him off." Sam shrugged shaking his head, "'S when he started kickin' me, broke my ribs."

Dean tensed imperceptibly, his muscles all contracting at once in restrained rage as he remembered the extent of that damage - the deep black bruises, the way the bones shifted under his brother's discolored skin - and tried not to give away his anger so Sam could keep going.

Sam sucked in a deep breath and let it out in a huff, "It was getting pretty hard to breathe at that point, and when he finally stopped he got up and straddled me, and I remember grabbing at his jacket, panicking for help.

"He just laughed. So I tried to calm myself down, got my breathing under control, but then his hands started…feeling over me, landed on my belt buckle." Sam breathing sped and Dean had to hold himself back again from touching his brother, from wrapping him up in his arms and hiding him away from the world forever.

Sam trembled once before taking another controlled breath and forcing himself to relax.

"He moved his hand down my pants, under my boxers, cupped me, started…feeling around." He shuddered out a breath, "I tried not to fight him, Dean. Knew if I did I'd just piss him off and make things worse…. But I couldn't. I couldn't take it, and I pushed at him." He shook his head, "He ordered two of his guys to get my hands…and they pinned them to the ground with their boots."

Dean sucked in what he tried to make a calming breath, now remembering the look of his brother's broken, swollen hands, his inability to even move them for over a week. Dean felt the familiar ball rise up in his throat, trying to keep his breathing composed and push away any threatening tears.

"I cried out, couldn't help it, they wouldn't let up. And that pissed him off too. He told me to stay quiet, that there'd be hell to pay if I got them caught. And he grabbed my balls…squeezed his fist around 'em so fucking tight, man. God I couldn't breathe, couldn't feel anything but that white hot ache: in my stomach, in my legs…. Hurt like a bitch." Sam said punctually, his tone lightening at the end, obviously trying to downplay the intensity of his pain once he realized he was revealing it.

"Kids are definitely out of the picture," Sam said, shooting what he tried to make look like a playful smirk at his brother, but it felt all wrong on his face and all he saw was pain in his brother's eyes when he met them, immediately wiping away any attempt at lightening the mood. Sam sighed biting the inside of his lip and turned back away, stalling.

"Anyway, after that, X uh…flipped me over, onto my stomach." His voice cracked as he rubbed his hand roughly over his mouth, "He pulled off my jeans, everything, hiked up my sweatshirt." His head moved back and forth, "I tried to fight him, so they tied my hands.

"X um…asked for something from one of the guys, a crowbar I later found out. Thanked him when he got it and then climbed on top of me. He was up next to my ear, taunting me. Sayin' how I'd thought it was over last time we'd met. I tried to shake him off, but my ribs were making it hard to move…and then it was pointless 'cause someone stepped on my back - was plenty enough to get me to stop.

"I remember X saying, 'no one beats on us and walks away to tell the tale.'" Sam paused, discernibly fighting his crushing emotions struggling to get out from behind the steel mask. His shoulders shook and his eyes hardened, his nostrils flaring slightly as his breath sped, preparing for his next words.

"Then he took that thing…and shoved it inside me." Sam stated matter-of-factly, the still present shake in his shoulders giving away the devastating weight of his words.

Dean's wall of strength crumbled there, unable to hold back the floodgate of emotions that welled inside him at hearing that soft statement fall from his brother's lips. His head dropped as he let out a hard breath, his hands balling into fists at his knees as tears welled behind his closed lids.

"And he was relentless." Sam ground out, his voice low and dangerous, "Had me screamin' and cryin' like a little bitch. …There's just…" His breath left him in a harsh sigh, cutting off his sentence as his head dipped, shaking, "There's no way to describe that kind of pain." He said, his eyes flickering halfway shut as a tear dropped quickly down his cheek.

Dean pulled in a shaking breath, stifling a sob in his chest as he brought his fist up over his mouth, trying to get a reign on his inner turmoil and stay strong for his brother.

"Not just because it hurts, but because of what it does to your head." Sam continued a moment later, "It's the most…debasing thing - humiliating and terrifying." Sam shook his head, looking at the wall before them, "And it changes everything. I mean…these people took the most precious, personal experience – the one thing that's supposed to bring two people as close as they can get, the physical act of love – and turned it into something dirty and disgusting. A nightmare." Sam grated, his voice sure and low and overcome with unmasked torment.

Things fell silent for an achingly long minute as Sam just breathed, summoning the strength and will to keep going, and Dean fought to be as silent as possible as tears continued their steady stream down his face.

"Anyway…eventually X stopped. Pulled the thing out and threw it down. And then he left." Sam said and Dean's heart leapt with relief, falsely believing that it was over as a long sigh of reprieve left him.

Dean was about to reach out for his brother – to pull him into his arms and thank God that it was done and they could start moving past this – when Sam spoke again.

"And I thought it was over," He whispered, his voice higher now, strangled by his tears, unknowingly repeating Dean's thoughts while simultaneously dashing them, "X was leaving…said he got bored, that he taught me my lesson. I thought they were done.

"I remember laying there, twitching on the ground, feeling the blood run down my thighs…and praying to God that they were finished. That they'd all follow X and just leave me alone. Let me die, anything." His head shook in rejection, "But two of them stayed.

"I had passed the point of caring what they did to me by then, but as soon as I heard the two of them agreeing to 'stick around', heard their belt buckles coming undone…" Sam's eyes shut calmly, more droplets dripping from his lashes, "I couldn't help it. I cared, way too damn much.

"And I knew I had to do something, anything to stop them. Cause they couldn't do it, I couldn't let them do it. …And I tried to fight Dean, I was thinking about you and I tried to fight." He huffed, his words coming quicker now, muddled and desperate, "I tried so damn hard but…everything hurt so bad, and one of them kicked me in the head," Sam said, his rambling frantic now as his hand flew up over his face where the resulting scar remained, "And I just couldn't fight, I couldn't get them off…Dean I tried." Tears began hindering his words, "It was for you. I was saving it for you. God I tried. I didn't mean to…" His voice tapered off into hitched breaths and quiet, coughed sobs.

Dean surged forward into his brother, immediately wrapping him up in his arms as an audible sob clawed its way from his own chest, "It's okay baby, it wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault Sammy. Sh sh…" He quelled running his hands through Sam's hair as the levy finally broke, all the pent up anguish and regret and guilt pouring from his brother in wretched, desperate weeps.

They hung to each other like lifelines, clinging to the dwindling hope that in the end, things would be alright, if only they stayed just like this.

"I'm sorry De…they just wouldn't stop. They wouldn't let me go, 'M sorry." He coughed through sobs, his tears drenching Dean's nightshirt and mangling his words.

"Don't you dare apologize Sam," Dean whispered into Sam's neck, encasing him in his arms tighter, "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. I'm sorry." He growled quietly, "So sorry you had to go through that…shoulda been there to protect you." He cried softly into Sam's sweat-sticky skin, his hands curling into fists in Sam's hair, "Shoulda been there…. 'M so sorry baby, so fuckin' sorry."

Sam was too lost in his own gasping breaths and harsh, strangled sobs to answer; he simply clung to Dean with every ounce of his strength and tried to calm the pain.

They remained that way for an insurmountable time, minutes stretching into lifetimes until eventually Sam moved in Dean's arms, slowly maneuvering himself around until he could gently nudge against his brother, pushing them down until they were laying on the bed, and never once letting go of each other. Sam's hitching cries died to sniffling solitary tears as he curled himself into the circle of Dean's arms, getting as small as he could as they settled into the bed.

"'S okay now Sammy, everything's gonna be alright." Dean sighed turning his face into Sam's hair and inhaling deeply as his brow pinched, "No one's ever gonna hurt you again." He swore with every ounce of his soul, pressing his lips into his brother's locks as one of his hands moved down his back in a gentle, calmative caress.

Sam gradually tilted his head up until he could look at his brother through his dripping lashes, thanking him with his eyes alone for a thousand things he couldn't name.

Dean met his brother's eyes with nothing but love and acceptance and protection, and descended toward his lips to cover them with his own. The kiss was gentle but bubbled with passion and trust, pain and fear. They both clutched at each other tighter until their bodies melded, relishing the strangely soothing swells of passion and need that soared through them with every brush of their lips, tongues, hands.

Sam pushed himself into the kiss harder, his tongue pumping along Dean's as his thigh slid between his brother's and prodded up into his groin, eliciting a long groan from deep in his chest. Dean breathed into Sam's mouth before dipping his head down under Sam's and rocking into the pressure between his legs, the friction spiking trails of pleasure up into his stomach and through his chest, down his legs.

"Sammy." Dean breathed, his fist balling up the back of his brother's sleep-wrinkled shirt before drifting over his contracting muscles and down to his waistband, slowly stroking the fine hairs that disappeared under his boxers.

Sam squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lip, the memories too fresh in his mind for the touch to feel good yet – he felt the phantom hands of his attackers – and Sam couldn't take it. He wanted the reminders gone, wanted to feel normal again, wanted this to feel relaxed and safe like it was supposed to.

"Dean," He whispered softly through the re-surfacing ball tightening his throat. "I…"

Dean's hand stilled, coming to rest above his mostly healed ribs and rubbing softly into the skin, "What is it Sammy?"

Sam brought his head down to rest his forehead against Dean's, breathing on his lips.

"I need you." He whispered threw his constricted throat as his hand wrapped around the back of his brother's neck, holding him securely to himself, "Please, make it go away." He shook his head, "I don't wanna feel them anymore."

Dean felt that familiar pressure-ache in his chest and clenched his eyes shut, "What do you need Sammy?" He whispered, "What can I do?"

Sam paused, just breathing into the space between them as his heart raced and his head buzzed, anxiety and love and pain and need all thrashing and warring within him.

"Make love to me." He exhaled.

The air stilled around them, the world froze and time stopped as Sam waited, resigned and silent, for Dean to respond. But Dean was too stunned to form an answer yet; he didn't know what he'd been expecting to hear but that had not been it.

"Sam…" Dean croaked quietly, "I…. You sure?" He asked tenderly, his fingers trailing down the soft curve of his cheek.

Sam's eyes flitted up to his brother's, their hazel green orbs like flames, filled with determination and heated passion, fear and lust. He nodded.

"Say it Sam," He commanded, "I need to hear you say it." Just a whisper of a breath. He was unable to go on without Sam's voiced consent, couldn't bear the thought of doing anything he wasn't ready for.

"I'm sure Dean. I want this, want you." Sam clamped his eyes shut, "Only you."

Dean cupped Sam's jaw and kissed him on the forehead, letting his lips linger there as he whispered, "Okay Sammy. Okay."

Sam breathed out a quaking sigh and let Dean gradually push himself up to hover over him, moving his legs so they were tucked between his own. "We'll go slow Sammy, slow as you want." His brother said, his voice hushed and calm.

He leaned down into his lips again, the touch a slow burn that smoldered heat throughout their entire bodies, "I love you." Dean vowed as they broke apart, his voice a cool breeze against his brother's lips.

"Love you." Sam returned as he arched back up into his brother, his body curling to mold around Dean's like a puzzle piece, slow and deliberate. Dean turned his face into the crook of Sam's neck, pushing his parted lips into the fiery skin before his tongue dipped out to taste the pure essence of his brother.

He gradually levered himself up onto his knees, leaving Sam panting on the bed before him; Dean ran his hand up and down his thigh reassuringly before grabbing the neckline of his night-T from behind his head. He raised his other arm and pulled the shirt from his back, letting it drop to the side with a soft sigh.

"Y'okay Sam?" Dean whispered, resting a palm on his brother's knee.

Sam nodded jerkily, his eyes bouncing over Dean's torso, glinting in the lamplight from the bedside table. Dean nodded back and slowly reached for Sam's hand, pulling him up until he was sitting in front of him.

His hands played with the hem of his brother's shirt as his eyes silently asked permission to remove it. Sam blinked once before looking down at Dean's grip, and lightly grasped it in his own, pulling their hands up. He raised his arms and let his brother tug it the rest of the way off, tossing it by his own.

Dean quickly slipped off the edge of the bed then, looking over the flat planes of Sam's sun-darkened chest, and hooked his thumbs in the waist band of his boxers, never moving from Sam's eyes as he pushed them off his hips and laid himself bare for his brother. Shaking with as much vulnerability as power, he knelt back on the bed, settled between Sam's open legs, and curled his fingers around Sam's waistband.

He made no move to pull the material off, just rubbed his thumbs into the sensitive junctions of Sam's hips and stared into his brother's wide golden eyes, calm and patient, waiting for direction. Sam took in a breath and lifted his hips just an inch off the bed, his silent allowance as he let Dean pull off his underwear.

Immediately flashbacks were clashing around behind his eyes as the soft fabric slipped down his legs and the chill of the outside air stunned his exposed body. And just as quickly, there was the heat of another emanating from above as it lay down beside him and curled around his frame. The comfort of that heat and the sound of the breath fanning over his neck were both as familiar as they were safe and soon the flashbacks dwindled to nothing but faded echoes of the past. He opened his eyes.

"Just me Sammy." Dean whispered lovingly, his voice soft and whiskey-scratched as it penetrated the silence and his hand rubbed circles over the smooth curves and valleys of Sam's chest. "You're safe here."

Sam shut his eyes once more and let the truth of those words wash over him in waves of all-consuming trust and love as he turned his head toward Dean and pushed up into his waiting lips. He brought his arm around the back of Dean's head and kept him close as he delved into his warmth, his tongue soft and pliant, moving over his brother's.

Dean slowly pushed himself up onto his elbow, hovering halfway over Sam's body as the kiss deepened and his hand moved farther down his torso, fingers skimming over the nestle of wiry curls to brush down into the inside of his thigh. His touch was gentle and slow but it might as well have been a punch to the gut seeing Sam's reaction as he gasped and clutched at Dean's shoulder, his eyes slamming closed once more.

"Shh baby," Dean cooed into Sam's ear, his tongue dipping out into the shell, "'Member 's just me." He reminded as he moved to gently cup Sam's half-hard dick and push his palm up, providing the little friction Sam needed to get out of his head.

Sam let out his lungful of air in a shudder as his body began to respond to the small touch, his hips rolling up into the contact. "That's it," Dean praised as his hand slowly curled into a loose fist around him, still pumping languidly.

Dean kept his eyes on Sam's face for a few paced minutes, making sure he was still here with him, before dipping his head down to peck Sam's collarbone, slowly moving down the trail of his torso. Sam's little shocked inhales and quiet, breathy moans encouraged Dean to keep moving until his lips were wrapped around the head of Sam's cock, sucking the leaking juices onto his tongue.

Sam startled up off the bed with a soft cry, his legs bending up to push his hips farther into the heat, Dean taking him down as far as Sam let him and sucking hard once before pushing his mouth further down Sam's length. A second later he let up the pressure and looked straight into Sam's eyes.

Sam's answering gaze was confused and crazed with lust as it locked with Dean's, obviously wondering why his brother's stopped and begging him to continue as he held him still and steady on his soft tongue. Dean grabbed one of Sam's hands and put it on his head, silently giving him permission for control as his hand slid down his forearm encouragingly.

As soon as Sam understood, his eyes shot wide and his back arched off the bed, his hips timidly pushing into Dean's waiting mouth as his hands kept him in place, in awe of his own power and Dean's willingness to submit to it.

"God Dean," Sam breathed, moving Dean's head up and down over himself, pumping his hips up off the bed, unable to quell the harsh sob of pleasure that tore itself from his chest as he brushed the back of Dean's throat and his brother swallowed.

Dean backed up and off his brother just a couple thrusts later, much too soon for Sam, and wiped his lips with the back off his hand as he looked down at Sam's heaving chest and heavy eyes.

"Damn Sammy," Dean praised looking over the impossibly tantalizing sight his brother made, spread out so beautifully for him, and watched as his brother's hand quickly snuck down to grasp himself, moaning obscenely as he pumped himself with unchecked need. Dean stilled Sam's ministrations as he circled his thumb and forefinger around the base of his cock, squeezing gently to stave him off, despite Sam's groan of displeasure, "Patience is virtue baby." Dean dipped his head down till his lips were at Sam's ear, "Let me get inside you first."

Sam let out a burning, keening whimper, "Come on Dea…" He sighed, his nostrils flaring as he refilled his lungs, "Need you."

Dean kissed Sam's neck and pushed himself back up, "'M right here Sammy," He assured running his thumb over Sam's cheekbone. But Sam continued pleading with his eyes, rutting his hips into the air, so Dean leaned forward to cover Sam's lips with his own, taking a few more shallow breaths before scooting back.

He carefully took each of Sam's knees in his hands and pushed them up until his legs were bent on the bed, resting on either side of Dean's shoulders. He reverently brushed the inside of Sam's left thigh before slowly dragging his lips up along the heated flesh and back toward the dark cluster of hairs at his center.

Dean glanced up toward his brother and licked the base of his cock before gingerly pulling one of his balls into his mouth, sucking gently at the scorching flesh and rolling it on his tongue until Sam was softly squirming beneath him. He pulled away short seconds later and gradually maneuvered Sam until his hips were canted up onto his propped hands.

"Need you to try 'n' relax Sammy," Dean breathed, kissing the inside of his thigh once more as his breath left him on a sigh, the air raising goose bumps on Sam's flushed skin.

Sam's breath sped minutely but his body stayed remotely pliant in Dean's hands, "Just me okay?" He reminded smoothly.

Dean peered up to see Sam nod shakily, his hands gripping the headboard above him with white-knuckles and his arms flexing beautifully as they strained to keep himself still.

"You alright?" Dean asked rubbing his thumbs into Sam's muscles, willing his own confidence and reassurance into him, "'M not gonna hurt you Sammy, everything's okay." Sam nodded again, still keeping his eyes away from him, "Hey," Dean called a little louder this time, "We can stop Sam." He promised, "At any time, if it's too much, we can stop."

Sam let out a trembling exhale as his eyes closed before moving his head down to look back at his brother, "I trust you." He vowed, "I want this Dean. Keep going." He nodded in emphasis to his words even as his shoulders shook and his eyes glistened in the dim light of the room.

Dean debated a moment, stroking Sam's skin comfortingly as he wondered just how sincere his brother was being. But Sam kept his gaze steadily fixed on him, insistent and giving off as much conviction as he could so they could keep going. And eventually, Dean couldn't fight those eyes anymore; he gave, nodding back.

"Okay." He breathed against the skin of Sam's thigh, his eyes closing as he held on tightly to his faith in Sam's honesty, "But you stop me, for whatever reason, if you feel like you need to. No questions asked and no judgment from me, you know that. Alright?"

Sam nodded once more and Dean kissed his brother's stomach before dipping back down between his spread legs. He moved his palms over the backs of Sam's thighs before stilling on his buttocks, his thumbs brushing timorously along his crack and feeling his brother tense discreetly under the touch.

Dean gave Sam a few seconds to relax before carefully spreading him, slowly exposing his hole to the cool air. He heard Sam suck in a sharp breath and stilled, but he didn't voice any reluctance to continue, so Dean leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to the opening, letting his tongue dip out to taste a few short moments later.

"Ah…" Sam huffed, sucking in another breath through his teeth as his hands strained to pull his body away from the prodding sensation, warring with his head, which forced him to stay still. He quickly wrenched his eyes open and looked down at Dean's head nestled between his legs, the sight slamming him with a wave of lust so intense he almost forgot his earlier fear.

Dean's hand ran up along Sam's hip and over his trembling belly as his tongue started gently pushing past the first resisting ring of muscle and Sam bit his tongue so hard he tasted blood. He started chanting Dean's name over and over in his head, fighting to keep himself grounded to reality as his head tried to throw him into horrors of the past.

The grip on his tongue eventually gave and Sam cried out Dean's name, half in pleasure, half in fear, needing reassurance that he was still with him, and not dying in an alley. Dean backed away immediately and crawled up Sam's body, "What is it Sammy? Did I hurt you?" He asked mildly panicked and out of breath as his palm ran over Sam's sternum.

Sam shook his head quickly, alleviating Dean's fears as his brother let out a deep sigh of relief. "No, no, felt good I just…"

"What Sammy?" Dean encouraged tenderly, "We can stop if…"

Sam shook his head again, "No." He puffed on an unsteady exhale, "No." He repeated, "I'm just…having a hard time…keeping myself here I guess." He admitted ashamedly, his voice nothing more than a whisper of a breath. "I think I just, need to be able to see you."

Dean nodded, his chest throbbing for his brother but grateful that there seemed to be a way he could help, "Okay, whatever you need Sammy." He whispered kissing him softly before his brother gradually deepened their touch, getting them both back in the mood for this as they dived into each other again, filling the room with the sucking sounds of their lips and breathy groans of their pleasure, finally breaking apart sometime later, breathless and throbbing to the hammer of their hearts.

Sam grabbed Dean's hand and cupped himself with it drawing a filthy moan from each of them as he rolled into the touch, gradually sliding his brother's hand further up his body and to his mouth. He parted his lips as he brought Dean's fingertips closer and slowly descended his wet heat around two of them, soaking them deftly with his tongue.

Dean grunted on a harsh exhale as he felt the warm cavern of Sam's mouth suck on his fingers, his tongue dipping into the webbing, his teeth pressing into his fingernails, mixing pain and pleasure to drive him absolutely incoherent. Sam's adroit mouth pulled off a minute later and Dean took the chance to catch his breath, looking down at his brother intently - wanting to make sure one last time that he was ready for this.

Sam simply nodded and lifted his head to kiss Dean again, pushing his wet hand down between his still parted legs, "'M okay, promise." Dean nodded against Sam's head before descending toward his lips once more, the passion heating their flushed skin as Dean deftly moved his hand to fondle Sam's balls, massaging them against his body before inching further down to spread liquid over his quivering hole.

Sam's hands clutched Dean's back as he kept his half-lidded gaze solidly locked on his brother's, keeping himself firmly grounded to the moment as Dean slowly and carefully inched his finger inside. Sam's breath quickened with every agonizingly slow inch, his eyes turning to slits and his brow pinching up as Dean reached his second knuckle.

"'S okay baby, it's just me." Dean calmed, running his free hand down Sam's cheek and through his sweat-darkened locks, "You okay? Anything hurt?" He asked softly, keeping his hand still as he let Sam adjust.

Sam's breathing didn't slow and his body didn't relax but his eyes never left Dean's and eventually he found his voice to answer, "No, i-it's okay." He stuttered out on a shuddering breath, "It's okay." He said, voice a little stronger this time.

Dean nodded, "Alright. Lemme know if that changes." He demanded, before slowly lifting himself up onto his knees, grabbing Sam's thigh as he caught sight of his hand disappearing into his brother, and grasped his cock tightly as it jumped at the sight.

"God your beautiful." He sighed, suddenly needing to quell the intensifying ache in his groin as he pulled his fist up around his head and twisted down - watching Sam's eyes follow his every move with awed desire.

Sam's hand reached down to grasp his dick just as quickly, feeling the same need envelope him as he watched his brother slowly jack himself and felt the finger inside him begin pulling out before pushing back in. He gasped arching into his own fist as the friction inside him slowly increased, not painful at all to Sam's surprise.

Dean suddenly crashed forward, catching himself with his arm as he plunged down into Sam's mouth, ravenous and hungry for the sweet taste of Sam's tongue and the hot press of his body against his own.

"Fuck," Sam breathed against Dean's ear as his brother pushed down to suck a hickey into his neck and his hand continued pumping along his length, "Uhh," He moaned, the sound gravelly and loud as it ricocheted through Dean's ear and he huffed a sharp breath into Sam's damp skin as he ground his dick into his hip.

"Dean," Sam keened, "'M ready, you can gimme another." He slurred wetly, his voice already breathless and coarse.

Dean nodded eagerly before returning to Sam's lips, sucking the lower into his mouth to nibble on as his middle finger pressed in against his pointer, excruciatingly slow. Dean let out an inaudible moan as the suction of his brother's heat gradually enveloped his fingers, slowly opening up to let him in. He'd never felt anything so intimate, so awe-full in his life - he clearly understood now Sam's earlier explanation of this act being the one most private, irreplaceable experience for humans. He'd never felt it like this before.

"God I love you." Dean sighed against Sam's lips as his fingers finally bottomed out inside him, wiggling experimentally and feeling the inner walls clench powerfully around him. He groaned at the sensation as his brother pushed his head down into the pillow, his back arcing up in a rash display of overwhelming pleasure.

"A-ahh" Sam half-grunted, half-gasped, "Holy fuck." He sighed collapsing back onto the bed and throwing his hands up to grip the headboard again, "Damnet, yes, right there Dean."

"Where Sammy?" Dean asked, the unmistakable hint of playfulness lightening his words, "Here?" He asked, knowingly full-well as he pushed his fingers up into Sam's prostate.

"AH." Sam cried pushing down into the unimaginably intense sensation sparking deep through his belly and trickling down between his legs. With a satisfied smirk Dean ducked down to suck a nipple into his mouth, corkscrewing his slippery fingers in and out of his brother to the rhythm of his thundering heart.

"Yeah Sam, that's it baby, wanna hear you." Dean mumble-growled deep in his chest before pushing himself into a kneeling position and fisting Sam's cock once more as he worked in one last finger. He made sure Sam's eyes were fixed on his own as he did, watching carefully to judge whether any slight move hurt him, but all he saw was a slight pinch of his brother's eyes and his pink tongue darting out to wet his lips before Dean was buried to his last knuckle in him.

"Still okay Sammy?"

"Mm" He moaned trying to agree, trying to nod, but too overloaded with a million different sensations to do much of either. So he simply ducked his head under Dean's chin and hid as a particularly powerful growl ripped out of his chest, Dean's fingers gliding torturously over that spot deep inside him.

Dean choked on his own groan as he began steadily massaging over that small patch of flesh that made Sam writhe and pant beneath him, still gyrating his hips over Sam's, pushing their slick cocks against each other for just a fraction of the friction they both truly needed.

"Sam," Dean whined under his breath, ducking his head as well to place his forehead against Sam's, "I-I'm not gonna…fuck. Not gonna last long if we keep…" His voice faded off into an air-deprived gasp as his cock spurted a small glob of precome over Sam's belly.

"Now Dean," Sam huffed, clawing at Dean's back, "'M ready now." He whispered before falling back into the bed, the air punching out of him as Dean's fingers pulled free in the same second.

"Sure?" Dean asked with the last snapping threads of his restraint, sweat dripping from the tip of his nose and into Sam's hair, everything a slick mess of sweat and sex between them.

"Yeah." Sam insisted, "It'll be okay," He nodded a moment later, his fingers stroking over the smooth, taut skin of Dean's ass before gripping firmly and pushing his pelvis down into his own, "Need this, Dean. C'mon." He whispered though it came out as more of a desperate groan. "Been waiting…. Too long for this."

Dean slammed his eyes closed and tried to reign in his raging hormones and instincts so as to not shove himself inside right the fuck now, hearing his brother plead so feverishly for him. He rested his head against Sam's sternum, taking a few calming breaths before rolling off and looking back up into his brother's wanton eyes.

"Okay," Dean nodded, grabbing a small bottle of the motel's complimentary lotion from the nightstand and squirting a generous white blob into his hand. He rubbed his hands together for a minute trying to warm the cool cream before slicking it over himself, eyes fluttering closed as the stimulation shocked little tendrils of fiery pleasure through him.

He opened them again before gathering the rest of the slick substance in his hands and spreading them over the tips of a few fingers, locking his brother's timid gaze with his own before finding his puckered opening once more and pushing the cool lotion inside.

Sam arched away from the shock of the temperature but quickly calmed again when Dean laid a gentle hand over his stomach, keeping him in place, "Hang on Sammy," He lulled as his fingers slowly spread and warmed the lotion around and inside him.

Dean let out a controlled sigh as he licked over his dry lips, trying to quiet his nerves and get a handle on his haywire emotions before continuing. Sam was tracking his every move with as much fear as excitement dancing in his bright eyes and Dean didn't know if in that moment he had what it would take to make this good for Sam, to make sure it felt as safe as it did satisfying. He faltered for a moment, his movements stuttering to a stand still.

Dean could see just out of the corner of his avoiding eyes, the second when Sam understood just exactly what was running through his mind.

"Dean…" He breathed looking up into his brother's turned away face, "I love you." He averred, "And I trust you, okay? I want this. We have to at least try. There's no one but you I could ever do this with…. Please." He breathed, voice shaky but certain in it's words.

Dean finally looked at Sam, right down into the very depths of his open, illuminating eyes, and saw endless tunnels of love and faith – the fear still lingering around the edges, but still, Sam was trusting him. He had to trust too.

Dean nodded one last time and leaned forward over his brother. He grabbed Sam's right hand in his, interlocked their fingers and brought their entwined arms over Sam's head, pressed down into the pillow as Dean braced himself over his brother's body. His breath was ragged and torn as he gripped himself in his free hand and lined up against Sam's slick, twitching hole.

Sam's jaw clenched before he tilted his chin up and pressed his lips to Dean's, parting them easily with his own as his unoccupied hand gripped his brother's jaw and kept him firmly against him.

Dean's tongue swept into Sam's mouth with the first gentle sway of his hips, pushing just the tip of his head into Sam's clenched heat and flooding an ocean of shocking heat through his body.

The reaction for Sam was just as immediate as his brother's teeth clamped down onto Dean's lower lip, his whole body tensing up as he sliced through the first layer of skin and a dribble of blood flooded to the surface.

"Ah," Dean cried softly in surprise, jerking back from the quick nip of pain to stare into Sam's closed eyes, his shock turning to sorrow as he noticed his brother's face contort, his breath quicken and his muscles begin twitching under him. "Sammy." He said quietly, seeing the traces of fear lining his furrowed brow and tight lips, knowing he was fighting a flashback and aching because of it.

"It's okay baby, look at me. Sam open your eyes," Dean coaxed brokenly, brushing his hand down Sam's hair and over his cheek, "Hey, it's just me." He whispered, leaning down to kiss his brother again, fighting to keep himself completely still inside, not wanting to frighten him further.

Dean brushed his fingertips over Sam's eyes, "Look at me." He ordered again softly and Sam's eyes finally fluttered, looking around the room in a flurry of mild panic as he resurfaced from his past, "Hey," Dean called, clasping Sam's jaw harder, forcing him to look into his eyes, "You're safe Sammy, you're right here." He breathed unsteadily, "It's me, alright, just me. No one's gonna hurt you."

"Dean." Sam croaked and Dean simply nodded, kissing over his face and squeezing Sam's hand in his own. "'M sorry," He said shaking his head as he realized how quickly he'd fallen back into his memories, his brows curling together over his shimmering eyes.

"Nothin' to be sorry for." Dean sighed out, little zings of pleasure still shocking his strained muscles with every breath that shifted him inside his brother, "You need a break or you wanna keep going?" Dean asked, his body screaming at him not to stop as his head and heart ordered him to stay still, his hand reverently stroking over the sweat-sticky locks matted to his brother's forehead.

"Keep going." Sam breathed, fighting so obviously hard to keep his quickly breaking seems from spilling his ugly, warring emotions all over them. Especially in the middle of this, what was meant to be the most invaluable experience. This time was supposed to be right - supposed to be clean-cut and organized and safe. He didn't need his insides breaking apart in the middle of it, his emotional baggage flooding out to taint this.

So he kept himself strong as Dean slid another agonizing inch into him, gritting his teeth against the onslaught of images and phantom sensation that slammed into him like a wall of bricks, keeping any speck of pleasure from ever making it through to him.

Instead he felt the cold, jagged tar of the alley rubbing his cheek raw as rough, careless thrusts rocked him against pavement. He felt the burning stretch of his thighs as someone pressed down on the small of his back, spreading his knees like the slut he was before shoving in dry except for the slick of his own blood. He felt the pit of his stomach shift and cramp as he was slammed into violently, prodded in places so deep he didn't know they existed. He felt the gag, he felt the rope, he felt the fists on his hips, holding him down.

Helpless, petrified, waiting for death. He felt it all.

"Sam." Dean's voice sounded by his ear, "Sammy come on baby, stay with me." He whispered, his lips brushing over his hot skin, "You gotta stay here with me, focus, you're safe now." He continued, his hips rocking gently into Sam's, almost half-way in, slowly and predictable movements, trying once more to break Sam from his mind.

"De-ean." Sam cried quietly, bringing his legs up to lock around Dean's back as his free hand draped over his neck, clutching onto his shoulder as he turned his face toward his brother's, tears dribbling silently from his eyes.

"It's okay Sammy, shh baby, everything's okay. There you go," Dean praised, his breath fanning over Sam's lips before he kissed away the rolling droplets on his brother's cheeks. Sam sighed squeezing the last of the wetness from his eyes and bringing his head up to kiss the junction of Dean's neck and shoulder, encouraging him to thrust his hips a little deeper, watching his brother's face twitch into a grimace of pleasure every few seconds. "That's it Sammy, you're okay now."

Sam squeezed the hands that still gripped Dean's fist and shoulder, keeping his eyes trained on his brother's until Dean's cock thrust directly into his prostate and a shocked gasp filled his lungs, his head tossing back into the pillow and thrashing to the side as Dean continued a merciless onslaught to that tender spot inside him.

Sam's breath stuttered out in a guttural moan, his chest deflating as his hand fisted in the pillow bellow his head, Dean continuing his jerky plunges inside him.

"Uhh fuck." Dean moaned into Sam's neck before finally bottoming out in one long, deep push, breathing deeply into the crook of his shoulder before backing up to look over Sam's face. His brother's eyes were clenched shut, his mouth open on a silent gasp and his hands still clutching into Dean's flesh – a display of what he thought looked a lot like pleasure, "Sammy."

Sam breathed through his parted lips a few times before slowly rolling his head to the side to look at his brother, squinting, "Don't stop." He managed to whimper through the trembling in his stomach and shoulders, "Fuck don't ever stop." He moaned rocking his hips, more nameless tears flowing down his temples, "Didn't know, it could ever, feel like this." He said, pausing for labored breaths every few words, fighting to speak through the pressure in his throat.

Sam's sensually swaying hips were mind-melting torture and Dean couldn't take it for more than the few seconds it took to lick away Sam's tears before he pulled out to his head and shoved back in, not stopping until his balls were resting against Sam's ass. "Oh God." He moaned, tossing his head back and pushing his upper body off of Sam as he found a new angle, driving in deeper as every thrust met the canting of Sam's hips, forcing him as far as he could possibly go.

A new strangled sound filled the air with every rock of their tangled bodies, the sound of the headboard shoving into the wall kept the steady beat of their flawless rhythm. It was slow and powerful, an insuperable intensity buzzing between them like the heavy vibrations of a cello – thick and tangible, the air shrinking their lungs with every breath as they each tried to pull in enough oxygen, floundering and powerless to their need for each other.

"God Sam I love you." Dean breathed out in a frantic rush as he fell forward again, catching himself with his arms, bent on either side of Sam's head and never stopping his unbearably slow rocking into him.

"Ungh," Sam grunted on a quiet gasp as Dean hit that sweet spot again. It was a moment before he could find his voice again, "Dean, Jesus, yeah." He nodded frantically, looking into his brother's darkened eyes, boring back into his, "Me too. Love you. Love you so God damn much."

Dean's thrusts stalled, stuttered and then rapidly quickened as he lifted up again, bringing Sam's hips with him and pounding into him senselessly, throwing his head back and finally closing in on his release. "Oh God, oh God," He whispered, his fists clutching Sam's thighs as he held his brother up against him, still thrusting furiously, "Fuck Sammy, baby, unngh," He sobbed, shoving deep one last time, the sound of Sam's name reverberating against the walls, screaming as his orgasm ripped through him, tearing him apart from the inside out, emptying himself into his brother.

Dean continued rocking through his aftershocks, the little movements pushing right up into Sam's prostate as Dean's hand found Sam's cock through his daze and tugged a few solid times before his brother's whole body curled into an impossibly tight ball and broke to pieces right in before his eyes.

"Jesus." Dean breathed watching Sam's body explode apart, his back arching up off the bed as his arms latched onto the headboard and tugged himself up, his legs tightening like an anaconda around Dean's waist as white hot ropes of come shot over his stomach and chest, Dean's name falling like a breathless, chanted prayer from his lips, over and over for what felt like hours.

Dean collapsed onto him before rolling them onto their sides, still snug inside his brother as they simply breathed, reveling in their glowing highs and coming down from the intensity of a pleasure neither of them new was possible.

They were both asleep in a matter of minutes, not one word passing between them before they were deep in their dreams, Dean's head still cradled in Sam's arms against his chest and his legs still wrapped around Dean's waist.

OoOoOoO

Sam woke the next afternoon absolutely sweltering under the covers, dripping sweat into the soaked sheets and breathing up against soft spikes tickling his lips. He quickly noticed his ass was aching and his leg was absolutely dead.

He slowly pried open his sticky eyes, blinking until he could see and beaming as soon as he heard Dean snuffling under him, still swaddled up in his arms and fit snug inside him – they hadn't moved an inch. Sam sighed through his irrepressible smile as he accounted for his distant aches and let any urge to quell them fade away as he realized where he was and pulled Dean tighter into his arms. His hand raked through Dean's matted locks before he pressing a kiss to them, breathing in the smell of sleep and sex still lingering on his brother.

"God. It's…impossible…how much I love you." Sam whispered through an upsurge of emotion that tightened his throat and dampened his lashes, "'S just not fucking possible."

Dean's head slowly tipped back to look at Sam, startling him with the movement and kissing his chin on the way up, bringing his hand to cup his brother's cheek, "Better not be." He breathed back through a playful smile, catching his falling tears with the pad of his thumb.

"It has to be." Sam whispered back, looking into the jade green of his brother's eyes, bright in the afternoon sun, "No one can love a person so much it actually hurts." He denied, the backs of his knuckles unconsciously rubbing over his chest where the swelling ache was steadily pounding to the thud of his heart.

"I do." Dean avowed, "Always will Sammy."