Halloween was soon approaching, and Crabbe and Goyle were concocting a brilliant plan to frighten (or excite) the rest of the Hogwarts population. Earlier that morning, they had stolen a certain trinket of Hermione's; she had put it down on her desk in Potions class and temporarily left it there to retrieve a batch of silverweed.

'Hey Vincey,' squealed Goyle, 'I've been thinking of something really smart!'

'What's that, Greggy?' Crabbe squeaked back.

'It's time to assert our independence over Draco!'

'Oh, the one who can't control his eyes?'

Draco, beside them, rolled his eyes.

Goyle ignored him and went on, 'Yes! That one! I have a positively BRILLIANT idea!'

Crabbe giggled. 'Oooooh, what is it? Tell me!'

Goyle held up Hermione's object. 'See this?' he said, poking it. 'It's a Time Turner!'

Crabbe frowned. 'I didn't know you could turn time,' he said.

Goyle placed a wet sloppy kiss on Crabbe's nose. He wished he could have kept his lips there, but he needed to convey an important idea across, and that meant eliminating all distractions. (Goyle always did prize himeslf over his intelligence.)

'No silly, it lets us travel back in time! So I've been thinking, before the Halloween dinner we could do anything - absolutely anything - and nobody would realise after we went back in time again!'

The crease between Crabbe's sparse eyebrows deepened. 'Then how would Draco know that we had asserted our independence over him?' he asked.

'Well,' said Goyle, 'think about it! We could do anything we like! We don't need Draco anymore!'

'Oh.' Crabbe thought about it for a moment. He licked his lips; Goyle restrained another large urge to keep kissing him, though he got the slight impression that Draco would probably smack him if he did. 'So... what would we do, Greggy?

'Let's do something really naughty together,' whispered Goyle in a husky voice. Some mucus got caught at the back of his throat, and Crabbe found this even the more arousing.

Crabbe locked his romantic gaze on Goyle. 'Naughty,' he repeated dumbly. Understanding dawned upon him, and a wicked grin spread across his face. 'Oh, naughty. Like taking all our clothes off kind of naughty?'

Turning his back to the pair, Draco's face paled.

'Yes,' grinned Goyle, poking Crabbe affectionately on the pimple at the edge of his nose. 'That kind of naughty.'

Crabbe was beginning to imagine what Goyle's mucus would taste like, when an idea sprung within his mind, and he suddenly beamed like a little green frog. 'I have a perfect idea! We have sexy bodies, right?'

'Right!'

'So why don't we show them off to everyone?'

Goyle's eyes widened. 'That, Vincey,' he said slowly, 'is perfect.'

'I know.'

Goyle shook his head several times over and began to pace around the room. The floor creaked below his pudgy feet.

'Yes!' he exclaimed in an excited voice. 'I've got it! Before the dinner we can run up to the front of the Hall where Dumbledore and the fat man sits, stand up on their tables, take off all our clothes and do a little dance. Then we'll go back in time and nobody except for us would realise what naughty boys we've been!'

'Oh my gosh,' gushed Crabbe. 'The Dark Lord would be so proud of us. Wait, what was the fat man's name again?'

Goyle frowned. 'Gagrid? Bagrid?'

'Shagrid?'

'HAGRID!' Draco suddenly bellowed, hands clamped over his ears.

'That's the one!' exclaimed Goyle. 'Hagrid! Do you think, Vincey, even HE would be aroused?'

Crabbe smiled hungrily. 'Of course he would. In fact, who wouldn't be aroused by our sexy fat jiggles?'

He performed a dance on the spot, demonstrating how the waves his great rolls of fat flew through the air. However, he was interrupted by Professor Snape's entrance.

Snape walked in, saw Crabbe's performance and froze. Sheepishly, Crabbe brought it to an abrupt close. He had never intended to arouse his potions teacher, only Goyle (and maybe Draco).

'What in the name of Merlin,' said Snape tightly, 'are you three doing in my dungeon?'

Draco sprung to his feet. 'I'll be out, Professor,' he drawled, and swiftly left the room.

Snape turned back to Crabbe and Goyle, eyeing them closely. They quickly held hands. 'You know you're not supposed to be in here without my permission?' he said darkly.

They exchanged sheepish looks. 'But, Professor, we were just -'

'Ten points from Slytherin,' Snape said, not looking sorry to deduct it at all. 'Now get out. If I find you in here again it will be a detention!'

Crabbe and Goyle wouldn't really have minded serving detention together. They could think of many interesting ways to incorporate sponges and dusters in their sexy routine (provided that the objects didn't disappear into their fat folds). But they finished the encounter with simultaneous glares at Snape and skipped out the dungeon, hand in hand, to finalise the Halloween dinner plan that would happen the following night.

As always on Halloween, the Great Hall was decorated in floating pumpkins, and the tables were lined in unusual, yet wonderful arrangements of food. Since they were about to act out their plan as soon as Dumbledore stood up to give his speech, Crabbe and Goyle took to stuffing their faces with as much of it as they possibly could before they ran out of time.

Draco rolled his eyes.

The tinkering of a wine glass brought the school's attention to the front of the Hall. Dumbledore stood up, stroking his beard with a large beam. 'Welcome to the annual Halloween Feast!' he boomed, raising his arms up in an inviting gesture.

'NOW!' hissed Goyle.

Crabbe replied with a delighted grin and lick of his lips, 'Okay!'

As swift as serpents, the two jumped out from their seats and began their simultaneously dramatic and tiresome run to the front of the Hall.

'Oh god,' muttered Draco, watching as they arrived in front of Dumbledore. The elderly wizard had halted in his speech; he was staring at the pair of them with a curious surprise.

Then, to everyone's horror, Crabbe and Goyle started stripping. Layer after layer, they pulled off their robes, until finally they were standing in their underwear, beaming hysterically at the traumatised students before them.

Then Goyle yelled, 'HAPPY HALLOWEEN, SUCKERS!'

Crabbe howled with laughter. 'NONE OF YOU ARE GOING TO REMEMBER THIS!'

And then, in unison, they pulled off their underwear, dancing under Dumbledore's nose and flaunting their fat folds in his face. He himself looked rather amused. Everyone else in the Great Hall was speechless, all glaring with their mouths agape - except for Draco, who muttered, 'My father will hear about this...'

Goyle reached into the pocket of his robes (which were now being trampled by Crabbe's squishy feet) and extracted the small golden Time Turner.

'AND NOW,' he announced loudly. 'WE WILL USE THIS TIME TURNER TO TRAVEL BACK IN TIME, AND YOU WILL FORGET THIS EVER HAPPENED!'

Across the Hall, Hermione stood up in her seat, probably about to protest that it was hers, that it had gone missing off her Potions desk the previous day, that they'd stolen it - when suddenly Goyle's gleeful smile was completely wiped from his face.

He realised, in one big faltering moment, that their plan had all gone wrong.

'What is it?' whispered Crabbe awkwardly from beside him, evidently becoming embarrassed about exposing his fat folds - and no one (except Goyle), in turn, becoming aroused.

But alas, it was too late.

They didn't know how to work the Time Turner.