THE JUSTICE LEAGUE

A tale of Smoker and his crew

Smoker's crew was a gang of misfits. Competent misfits to be sure, but that didn't change the fact that they were all insane. Somehow, each and every one of them had irritated their superiors in some way, and the marines needed a way to 'get rid of them' all.

"Oh hey, I have a brilliant idea!" said a government official one rainy day. "Let's just shunt them all in one place. Then we don't have to deal with them individually!"

Everyone gasped and applauded, since that specific official wasn't known for being particularly intelligent. "Bravo sir, bravo!" they exclaimed. "What a brilliant idea!"

Hence, Operation Relocation (unsurprisingly dubbed by the government official not known to be particularly intelligent) commenced with great aplomb. The marines gleefully enacted vengeance on Smoker by giving him every 'problem child' within the Navy ranks.

Unbeknownst to the other marines, Smoker recognized his forced adoptions as a way to gather for himself a crew of loyal and competent minions. Score! Er, for Justice! he thought. However, Smoker felt rather dubious about his plans of minion-gathering when the first problematic marine he ended up with was Tashigi, his sense of doubt increasing after learning the reasons why she had been left with him.

"Well what's wrong with her?" asked the government official not known for being particularly intelligent.

"Sir, she's chronically clumsy," said her captain, sighing deeply.

"I don't see how that's a problem," said the government official not known for being particularly intelligent. (Because Smoker didn't remember the idiot's name, and didn't have the patience to call the idiot 'the government official not known for being particularly intelligent', Smoker dubbed the idiot Dimwit.)

"Sir, she carries a very sharp sword," said her captain, sighing deeply again.

"Oh. Then I can see the problem," Dimwit commented.

In her first week under Smoker's command, Tashigi singlehandedly demolished two cannons, five crates of cannon balls, four kegs of rum, three chairs, one table, one shoe, and approximately eighteen and a half dishes. However, she was an equally dangerous force against pirates, and she had a strong sense of Justice, so Smoker tolerated her (accidentally) destructive tendencies.

Smoker also amassed four bizarre cooks in about the same fashion. The first, Felix Saskia, had been moved from around seven ships for being a knife-waving and short-tempered menace. The second, Luigi Trancetto, had been moved from around nine ships for being annoyingly gay and yelling "mamma mia" too many times. The third, Guinness Boyle, had been moved from around eleven ships for speaking incomprehensibly. And the last, 'Explosivo' (his real name was unknown since he forgot it after being hit in the head with six cannon balls courtesy of a certain vice admiral), had been moved from around seventeen ships for yelling much too loudly.

But they all cooked well. In the name of Justice. So Smoker was fine with them too. (Well, he had some misgivings when Luigi fell in love with Explosivo. Okay, more than just 'some'. But the cooks made great Justice Pie, so Smoker forgave them.)

After Smoker's navigator cleverly sailed them into the Calm Belt ("But I swear there was an island there!" "The damn log pose isn't even pointing this way, you incompetent idiot!"), Smoker resignedly called marine headquarters for a replacement. Luckily for Smoker, there was one available when he arrived at a nearby base. Unluckily for Smoker, the navigator, a certain Rashid Hadid, had a sense of direction comparable to that of Roronoa Zoro's. That is to say, none.

"What sort of navigator can't navigate?" Smoker grumbled in frustration, sensing an encroaching migraine after being told Rashid had gotten lost on his way from the bathroom to the entrance of the naval base and still could not be located.

"Actually, he's pretty good at it," one of the marines on Rashid's previous ship admitted. "He just can't find anything on land except for pirates."

Smoker perked up immediately. "Pirates, you say?" he said.

It was then experimentally discovered that Rashid had eerie homing-missile-like skills when it came to finding locations that 'housed pirates'. He could not be counted on to buy groceries, but if one said, "Oh I heard that pirates frequented that store - somebodypleasegobuyadozeneggs!" Rashid would immediately run to the place via the shortest route and return with negative reports of pirate sightings and, inexplicably, a dozen eggs. Smoker was relieved that Rashid didn't have directional challenges at sea. Even he could follow an arrow. Therefore Smoker accepted Rashid onto his ship, since the man was obviously just an avid seeker of Justice and had been misunderstood.

With a new navigator that didn't sail his ship into the Calm Belt (unless there were pirates), Smoker was satisfied with his crew. Then Tashigi tripped, accidentally slamming into another marine (Rashid), who slammed into another marine (Felix), who slammed into another (Luigi), who slammed into another (Guinness), who slammed into another (Explosivo), who slammed into the galley wall. Then Smoker found himself needing a new wall.

"Get Ficks to repair this," Smoker commanded.

"I THOUGHT FICKS QUIT TWO WEEKS AGO, CAPTAIN!" Explosivo yelled, albeit sounding a tad quieter than usual to Smoker because his head was sticking outside of the galley through the wall.

"... Really?" Smoker said blankly.

"DID YOU DO YOUR PAPERWORK?"

"... Oh. Right."

Smoker found himself calling marine headquarters again. Upon arrival at the next island with a marine base, a strange woman jumped onto their ship and started fixing the galley while screeching hysterically, "Argh the wall is broken!"

Starting to get used to the... eccentric marines he was ending up with, Smoker wearily asked the shipwright's ex-captain something along the lines of "What the hell is up with her?"

"Oh, Kelsey Magnhild?" the captain said. "She just likes fixing things."

That turned out to be one of the biggest understatements of the century, ranking just behind Dimwit's declaration of, "Great idea, Rear Admiral sir - I'm sure executing Gol D. Roger will definitely scare all the pirates into desisting their unlawful activities!" Because Kelsey fixed everything that was remotely damaged. And she always screeched while doing so. But upon asked why she cared so much, she had replied, "If I don't fix 'em, I'm doing 'em injustice!"

Smoker let Kelsey stay. In the name of Justice. (Besides, it was nice having someone who obsessively fixed everything immediately after Tashigi broke them.)

However, it was soon discovered that Kelsey's amazing repair abilities were limited to inanimate objects. Becoming sick of hearing "Argh Luigi is broken!", "I'm so sorry I'm so sorry!", "Mamma mia!", "Shut up or I'll cut you!", and "IT'LL BE OKAY!", Smoker commissioned Rashid to lead him to pirates once they docked - andfindadoctorwithoutwork.

Rashid literally dragged Smoker into town where they arrested two pirate crews, and as if pulled by a 'doctorwithoutwork' magnet, found someone named Jason Asa. Smoker ordered Rashid to return to the ship (which conveniently had pirates on it), and the marine captain tried to recruit Jason.

"Piss off," the doctor declared. "I quit working for the marines, and I don't want to end up with more incompetent idiots."

After valiantly ignoring the urge to throw the doctor into the nearby brick wall, Smoker calmly ("Gee, you look a bit stressed. As someone with medical authority, I command you to cool off before you have a heart attack." "SHUT UP!") told Jason that his ship had idiots, but competent idiots.

"Didn't I already tell you to piss off?" Dr. Ass-a said mildly.

Smoker forcefully 'dragged' ("Doesn't this count as kidnapping? I'm going to call the marines." "SHUT UP!") Jason back to his ship and 'ordered' ("Oh, so you're threatening me now? I should definitely call the marines." "I said SHUT UP!") him to fix Luigi's damn papercut before his entire crew went insane from the noise. Thankfully, Jason soon became irritated by the constant cries of "mamma mia" and proceeded to 'treat the injury' by knocking out the annoying cook with a sneaky injection.

"Justice has been fairly dealt," Jason muttered peevishly, rolling the unconscious cook under a table.

"I like this guy," Felix declared, before continuing to sharpen his knives cheerfully.

"SO DO I!" Explosivo agreed.

Luigi snored.

Smoker also felt like he could probably tolerate Dr. Asa (after all, he knocked out Luigi in the name of Justice). Not like he'd ever admit it. And soon, Jason's medical skills were highly appreciated by the rest of the crew, even though his sarcastic repartees weren't. But they were rather entertaining... when aimed at someone else.

"Okay, so I've gotten a klutzy second-in-command, four cooks that can't work together, a navigator that gets lost, an obsessive-compulsive shipwright, and a doctor that's an asshole," Smoker muttered to himself one day at lunch. "That should probably be it, unless Dimwit sends me more idiots..."

Overhearing, Dr. Asa remarked dryly, "Maybe you'll get a musician that pretends to be tonedeaf next, idiot captain."

Smoker scoffed. "Like I'll ever let anyone like that on my ship," he said dismissively. "And don't call me idiot captain."

"Fine. Idiot captain sir."

"GO AWAY!"

Years later, Smoker wondered if Jason was laughing at him when the commodore discovered by random fluke that Ace, despite pretending that he was tonedeaf, could sing opera.

Quite well, too.

A/N: This was crack I wrote for a friend, so please don't take it seriously~