Here Without You
A hundred days had made me older A thousand lights had made me colder and I don't think I can look at this the same But all the miles had separate I'm here without you baby
since the last time that I've saw your pretty face
They disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me
-3 Doors Down, 'I'm Here Without You'
It was never easy, being alone. It just wasn't this hard before.
Sometimes I stare out the window and wish you were here. I wish you were here all the time, but you know. When I look out the window, there's your garden, and sometimes I see you there. I ran out of the house more than a few times yelling your name, "I'm sorry, Princess, sorry, sorry-" And then I fall to ground and cry because I'm crazy aren't I?
Of course you aren't fucking here.
The neighbors talk about me. They whisper when I walk down the street as though I can't hear them chatting about how screwed up I am. I'm not deaf, you know, and I'm not crazy. I'm just hurt.
You should hear the things they say, Courtney. It's the type of stuff that would make me get all nasty and start kicking ass. But I never look back, never even let them know I'm listening because then things would be too quiet. And then I'd really be insane.
That's why I have to get out of the house. Sometimes I let myself think about you too hard, I do all the time, but when I'm all alone it's worse, it's worse because I think about how much I kinda hate people and the things around me even more now that your gone. It's been what seems like a lifetime since I've seen you and it hurts. It hurts and I just want it to go away. I want to make it go away.
No one really visits like they used to. I'm cold, Princess. People say I'm stiff. I don't even do pranks anymore like I used to. Now I just steal. I steal a lot. I'm pretty sure I've pick pocketed tons of idiots, and I tell myself I'm doing it for you. But why would that make any fucking sense? Not like you would ever like the stuff I get- a cell phone here, a pack of gum, a wallet with only twenty bucks in it. I don't care about the stuff I get.
Why did you do it? Why the fuck would you get in a car wreck? A wreck? You were the safest driver I've ever seen- you always made sure I had on my seatbelt, always, you were smart, WHY WHY WHY-
That's what I used to think. Then Geoff told me what you were out getting. A birthday present. For me. Courtney. Oh, Princess. My whole body still shakes when I think about that one.
You died over me. That's what happened. It was my fault. You were too sweet. You didn't tell anyone, didn't use the good car, didn't know that guy was high, didn't know he was driving crazy with his friends. You died because of me.
I don't want anything for my fucking birthday.
Not anymore.
Yeah. It's a sob story, isn't it? Makes you upset, I know. Makes me upset too. But you shouldn't cry, sweetheart.
I dream about you every time my eyes close. It's what keeps me alive, seeing your face. At first, all the dreams were dirty. Dirty as hell, Princess. You remember how you used to nibble on my ear to keep from screaming? Oh god, I dreamt of those screams in my ear all the time. You making those noises that made me shiver. Your naked body against mine. My lips crushed to yours. So much love inside me I wanted to die.
And then the dreams got soft. I would dream of that one time we were out in the garden. I used to hate the thought of having flowers in my yard until you started planting them. We would sit there, the sun on our skin, the dirt in our fingers, and every few minutes we would sneak a glance at each other, and then I would steal a kiss on your cheek, and you'd get shy. You would blush.
And then I wake up.
It's hard as hell, Courtney. I'm crazy, I'm crazy, but I love you more than anything. The flowers are dying in the garden and the food supply's running low but I don't care. I'll sleep forever if it means seeing your pretty face.
I'm here without you, I'm not insane.
I'm just hurt.
I'm just alone.
I'll dream forever if it means you.
A/N: …I'm feeling sad. D: That's why it's best to write sad when you feel sad. –eats Cheeto's- *sigh* I miss D/C so bad I wanna cry.
By the way… that song is awesome. You should listen to it! One of my favorite bands right there…
-wipes tears- Thanks for reading guys!