Disclaimer: Bleach and all the characters in it belong to Tite Kubo. I'm borrowing them briefly without permission to indulge in my crazy whims, etc etc.

A/N: Okay, so this is my first ever fanfiction, but that doesn't mean I've never written anything else in my life. I just tend to focus rather heavily on my original fiction, as an outlet for my overactive imagination. However, since a few months ago, I've been going totally Bleach-crazy, and I just couldn't resist toying a bit with some of my favorite characters and pairings! So yeah... Enjoy! Oh, and I'm warning you, it's kind of crack-y. Because Byakushi is just so much fun to... poke fun at! Oh, and another thing, it's unbeta'd, and English isn't my mother tongue (don't worry, I'm rather good at it anyhow) but the grammar is sometimes a little confusing so if you see any mistakes, please forgive me (and let me know)!

Peace was truly a remarkable thing, Byakuya thought to himself, as he sat in quiet contemplation in front of Hisana's shrine, the smell of incense chasing away the remains of a headache. It was a habit that he still indulged in daily, even after all these years. Some things should never change, he thought, especially when so many other things had.

As was usually the case when he was finally alone after a long day of work, his mind drifted to past events, trying to make sense of the ridiculous turns and twists his life had taken after Aizen's demise.

During the grim battle, Kurosaki Ichigo has unsurprisingly taken the lead, Rukia and Byakuya's own fukutaichou following closely behind. It had been Byakuya who'd been forced to remain behind, under the healing hands of Unohana-taichou, after he'd taken serious damage when, in a unexpected display of loyalty, he'd flash-stepped in front of a wounded Renji to take a blow that would've surely killed the latter.

Even now, Byakuya still couldn't quite understand what had caused his feet to move in that direction without a single thought, but all things considered, it had most likely been one of his better decisions in life.

Abarai Renji…

Byakuya couldn't help but sigh a little at the mere thought of that name, that face, that brilliant mane of red hair and those glorious tattoos marking an even more magnificent body…

But he was getting ahead of himself.

Many things had changed after the Winter War, a fact that was hardly astounding of course, but at first Byakuya had been highly disturbed by the sudden alterations in the behaviour of the shinigami of seireitei, particularly those close to him. He himself had been determined to remain exactly the same stoic, strict and confident Taichou he'd always been. Everyone else was already acting far too out of character. Someone had to uphold to demanding standards of the Gotei 13.

Among the many shocks Seireitei received shortly after Aizen's downfall, the closeted relationship of Ukitake-taichou and Kyouraku-taichou came as no shock to Byakuya himself, having once, when he was still an impressionable youth, stumbled upon them during a game of tag with Yoruichi. To this very day, Byakuya believed she'd orchestrated the whole thing. That horrible demon cat…

Still, it had been shocking to nearly every other shinigami. Byakuya allowed himself a brief smile at the memory of Renji barging into the office, shouting: 'Taichou! You'll never believe what just happened on the 8th division grounds!"

"Was it, perhaps, Ukitake-taichou and Kyouraku-taichou engaging in a wholly inappropriate display of public affections after declaring their undying love for one another?"

Renji had stared at his Taichou in complete and utter shock. Little did he know that the suggestion to engage in such… theatrics had come for Byakuya himself, after Ukitake had asked him the night before how to best broach the subject of his relationship with Kyouraku to the public. His reply had been meant as a joke, but with a poker face like his, it shouldn't have surprised him that Ukitake had taken his words seriously, and Kyouraku had been all too willing to go along with the idea.

"Taichou! How did you-"

Byakuya interrupted his fukutaichou before he could finish the question. "And would you care to explain to me, Abarai-fukutaichou, what exactly you were doing at the 8th division in the first place? Were you, by any chance, shirking your duties as a fukutaichou of the Gotei 13 and heading for the daily sake contest held in Kyouraku-taichou's barracks?"

The guilty look on Renji's face had said it all, and Byakuya had taken no small pleasure in punishing his fukutaichou by making him do Byakuya's paperwork on top of his own, while Byakuya went in search of Ukitake to find out how things had gone for him and his lover.

Yes, that episode had been a pleasant one indeed, Byakuya thought. Plenty of the other changes had not… Like the appointment of that insufferable Kurosaki brat as the new 3rd division taichou. Or his engagement to Rukia.

Rukia, his pride and joy. Rukia, his adoptive sister who had truly become like his own kin in so many respects. Rukia, who on one fine morning, when Byakuya was in the middle of expressing his immense displeasure at Rukia's choice of fiancé, had told him politely to mind his own business, and perhaps find a lover of his own, since Hisana would not have wanted him to devote the rest of his life to blindly worshipping her memory.

He'd been stunned to silence by her words. Not since his becoming the 28th head of the Kuchiki clan had he been spoken to like that, especially not concerning his late wife.

It had been the starting point of some changes of his own. Like…

Byakuya's train of thought was rudely interrupted by a hand covering his eyes and a deep, rough-edged voice in his ear, saying: "Guess who."

Changes like that.

Had he been anyone else, he would've rolled his eyes. Instead, he suppressed a sigh and replied: "Since you are the only one foolish enough to disturb me when I am meditating, I do not see the point in-"

His sentence was cut off by a second hand tangling in his hair and pulling his head back, and a warm mouth moving hungrily against his own.

When it pulled away a few moments later, Byakuya couldn't quite hold back a pleading moan. Both hands disappeared, and when he blinked, for a moment, all he could see was crimson silk. Then his eyes regained focus and Renji's face was there, grinning down at him.

"I figured you'd be done with your little routine by now. Guess I was wrong, huh?"

Byakuya gave him a dry look. "Clearly." The request to leave him in peace was hanging unspoken but obvious in the air. Naturally, Renji ignored it. Instead, he moved in for another kiss. Byakuya was tempted to resist, but that lasted less than a second as soon as their mouths met again. Renji was by far the better temptation to indulge in.

"So if you're not done, can you finish later? 'M horny," Renji whispered lustfully in his ear, before nipping at his neck. Byakuya repressed a shudder.

"No."

"C'mon Byakuya… I'll make it quick, promise."

If there had been hesitance before, there certainly wasn't now. The 6th division Taichou pushed his lover away with a glare. "I am not a cheap whore that lives solely for the purpose of obeying your every desire. Please do not mistake me as such."

Renji allowed himself to be pushed away with a smirk. "Taichou is so bitchy sometimes."

Byakuya frowned. "I am no longer your Taichou, in case you've forgotten, Renji." Then, after a pause. "And I am not… bitchy. I'm merely irked by your presence because you're interrupting my only moments of quiet introspection of the day."

Renji rolled his eyes. "Fine, I get it. I'll shut up and wait for you to finish your introspection and then we'll fuck, 'kay?"

Another frown. "With you here, I will not be able to concentrate."

The admission made Renji grin wickedly. "Oh really? And why is that, Kuchiki-taichou?" Byakuya refused to deign the question with a reply, and tried valiantly to ignore the slight blush he knew was staining his cheeks. Renji knew damn well why focussing on important tasks was nearly impossible when he was in the room!

"Aw, don't you look just the cutest with that blush?" his lover teased. Byakuya tried to glare, but the effect was ruined by a deepening of that insufferable blush. Why he put up with this… oaf as a lover, he had no idea, really. At first, Renji had been too afraid to ruin what they had, to make improper comments like that, but unfortunately, that phase hadn't lasted very long.

"Renji."

It should've been a warning, but it came out sounding suspiciously like a moan, because Renji had apparently decided that 'no' and 'yes' were freely interchangeable and was now moving his hand to places it should not be moving.

"I changed my mind. You're not cute, you're hot," he whispered heatedly against pristine skin, before pulling down the noble's yukata and biting down on a pale shoulder. Byakuya gasped. "Especially when you make that sound…"

"Nii-sama!"

Of course. It was only to be expected that someone would barge in right that moment to witness Byakuya's wanton display. He was so used to it by now, that despite his embarrassment, he managed to keep from turning bright red, and merely tugged his yukata back in place, directing a small glare in Renji's direction before turning to face his sister fully.

"Yes, Rukia?"

The girl in question was staring unabashedly at her brother and best friend, smirking. She too, was so used to scenarios like this, that she no longer bothered to apologize for the intrusion and avert her eyes.

"Renji, are you molesting my brother again?"

The new 5th division Taichou just grinned unrepentantly. "It ain't molesting if he's asking for it."

Byakuya chose to ignore that ridiculous statement. Had he, or had he not, specifically told Renji to cease his… brutish pawing and give him a few moments of peace? So what if Byakuya had arched into the touch and reciprocated each oral assault?

"Rukia."

Again, it was supposed to come out as a warning, but unfortunately his sister no longer seemed affected by his superior glare and forbidding tone, nowadays.

"I'll just leave you two in peace, then!" she said brightly, eyes glinting wickedly. "See you later, Renji! Nii-sama." The statement was accompanied by a mockery of a bow, and then Rukia was gone, no doubt flash-stepping to the 3rd division to spend some quality time with her fiancé. Byakuya suppressed a shudder of distaste.

He was startled out of his unpleasant thoughts when Renji stood up, pulling Byakuya with him.

"C'mon, we're going."

"And where, exactly, are we headed?" Byakuya asked, as he allowed himself to be pulled along. A few years ago, he would've resisted. Now, he was used to his lover forcing him to tag along, and he honestly didn't mind all that much. Renji's wanderings usually led them to interesting places.

They didn't stop until they were in the gardens, and Renji gracelessly dropped to the ground, leaning against a tree (sakura, of course) and tugged Byakuya down with him until the latter was seated between his legs, back resting against Renji's chest.

"If ya wanna sit down an' think, at least do it outside, 'kay?"

Too comfortable to protest, Byakuya simply let his former fukutaichou hold him, absentmindedly tracing the black markings on one of his strong arms, and allowed his mind to wander again.

Even after all these years, he still couldn't fully understand how his relationship with Renji had been able to evolve so drastically.

It had most likely started after his foolishly taking that deadly blow in his fukutaichou's place during the final battle. They had both been shocked by that display of protectiveness, but at the time there had been no time to ponder the implications of such an action, and Renji had simply stared in stunned silence as Byakuya was carried to a safer area by members of the 4th vision so Unohana-taichou could treat his wounds.

Things had been slightly less… normal between them, after that. Renji hadn't quite known how to handle this new side he'd seen of his Taichou, and Byakuya had adamantly pretended it never happened.

And if he found himself wondering more often than before where his fukutaichou was, when not in the office, or if his gaze lingered a second longer than it normally would've when he was confronted with the sight of Renji taking off his shihakusho, he pretended that had never happened either.

He grew so good at pretending, in fact, that it wasn't until Yamamoto-soutaichou suggested promoting Renji to Taichou of the 5th that Byakuya realized he'd become quite attached.

Of course, Byakuya had not expressed any sort of unwillingness to part with his fukutaichou, and had simply listened in stubborn silence as various other captains agreed with the suggestion and talked among themselves about Renji's excellent qualifications. Later on, when Ukitake had asked Byakuya if he was feeling alright, the latter simply flicked his hair and walked away with his usual grace, telling himself firmly that he wasn't sulking. At all.

If Renji had been aware in advance of his possible promotion, he'd not said a word of it to his captain, and naturally Byakuya remained silent on the topic as well, refusing to push aside his pride and ask his vice-captain to stay in the 6th. No, Byakuya would simply have to endure this, like he'd endured a great many other unpleasant things in his life.

When, at the next joint captain and vice-captain meeting, Renji had politely but firmly declined the chance of promotion, saying he felt he hadn't yet learnt everything there was to learn under Kuchiki-taichou's leadership, Byakuya had been just as shocked as everyone else. He hadn't known how to react to that statement, so like many things, he'd tried to pretend it hadn't happened.

Tried being the keyword, because after closing the door to their office in the 6th division barracks, Renji had turned to him, a determined expression on his face, and moved forward until they were standing far too close to be appropriate. Before Byakuya had collected his mind, which had been dangerously close to the gutter at their sudden proximity, Renji had leant in and kissed him.

"That's enough of a reward. For now."

Renji had turned to leave, and Byakuya, at the sight of his fukutaichou's back facing him, had made a split-second decision that he, had he been in a proper state of mind, would've never made. The fabric of Renji's shihakusho felt rough between his fingers compared to the strands of red hair he grasped in his other hand as he held Renji back and spun him around, bringing their mouths together again. Though equally surprised by his behaviour, Renji had reacted instantly. Had Byakuya known back then how his life would change in such unexpected ways after that moment of passion, he might not have been as eager to take off his clothes…

They had decided, of course, to keep things between them secret at first. So, naturally, within the first weeks of their budding… romance, everyone found out.

Ukitake and Kyouraku had been the first to know. Byakuya nor Renji had said anything about it to either of them, and neither had they been caught in a compromising position, but after Ukitake had given both of them a rather knowing smile, followed immediately by a wink from Kyouraku, Byakuya had realized that they knew. All things considered, it hadn't bothered him. They never spoke about it in public, or even hinted at it, really, so Byakuya found the patience in himself to tolerate their sly remarks whenever they were in private.

He'd been slightly less inclined to dismiss it, however, when Ichigo unceremoniously barged into the 6th division office one afternoon, demanding to know why Renji hadn't shown up for lunch, to find the redhead in question with a handful of half-naked Taichou in his lap.

Renji had had to restrain him from releasing Senbonzakura on the impetuous substitute shinigami turned Gotei 13 captain. Kurosaki had even had the nerve to waggle his ridiculously coloured eyebrows at Renji, as if to say 'well done', before telling him that 'never mind, I can already guess where you were during lunch' and flash-stepping away.

A truly horrifying experience indeed, especially when Renji had pointed out that now Rukia would know as well.

Of course, Byakuya had been very concerned about what his sister would think of this… dalliance with his fukutaichou, and so after work, he'd immediately set out to find her. The worry had proved to be unfounded, because when he brought the matter up as gently as possible, after locating her in her rooms, Rukia had simply smiled and said: "I've known for ages, Nii-sama. Your face just screams uke, really."

"U…ke?" he'd replied, utterly confounded because he'd never even heard of such a thing and had no idea whatsoever what it might mean. Rukia had then launched in a long-winded explanation and introduced him to things such as 'seme' and 'yaoi', both of which he hadn't understood either, and she'd also mentioned something about doujinshi and lemons, of all things. Byakuya hadn't even tried to figure out what lemons had to do with his relationship with Renji, and he'd simply allowed his sister to talk and shove diagrams in his face.

Unfortunately, things had grown even more unpredictable after that.

Byakuya had feared, of course, that his sister would immediately inform the entire SWA of his status as fierce Abarai Renji's lover, and so she had, but luckily for him, they had refused to believe her without sufficient proof.

His luck had lasted two days.

Against his better judgement, he'd allowed Renji to coax another heavy make-out session out of him in the office, presumably as a reward for his finishing his paperwork early for the first time since his appointment as the 6th division fukutaichou. He'd put up a valiant struggle at first, of course, but how valiant can one struggle when the object of their desires is trailing hot, wet kisses along one's jawline while slipping nimble fingers in one's hakama?

So, sprawled on top of his fukutaichou's desk with Renji leering down on him, tugging at the ties on his hakama was how the captain of the 10th division found him, after a polite knock that neither Renji nor Byakuya had heard.

Hitsugaya Toushiro, who'd outgrown both his child-sized captain's haori and his fear for his fukutaichou's impressive bust and had become a tall, lanky young man, white hair still sticking out stubbornly in all directions, and azure eyes slanted in a permanently half-bored, half-seductive gaze, had given them both a no-nonsense look, sighing a little.

"So Matsumoto was right after all..." he'd muttered to himself, before moving further into the room and closing the door behind him, seeming perfectly at ease with the fact that Byakuya and Renji were hardly fit to be seen.

And in his usual calm and controlled demeanour, he'd explained to Byakuya the reason for his visit (something about stolen alcohol from Matsumoto's personal store, no doubt Renji's doing) before nodding politely at the both of them and calmly walking back out. Byakuya had been on the verge of breathing a sigh of relief at that strangely normal exchange, when Hitsugaya had glanced over his shoulder with a small smirk, and said: "You do realize I'll now be forced to confirm to Matsumoto that the rumours are indeed true, right?"

The next day, a special edition of the Seireitei Communication came out, with a 20-page feature on the evolution of Renji and Byakuya's relationship, from rivals to lovers. How they'd managed to fill twenty pages on the subject was something Byakuya still didn't understand, and he'd only made it halfway the first page before deciding he was too horrified by the ridiculous tripe the article consisted of, to continue reading.

As if it all hadn't been bad enough already, Yamamoto-soutaichou had taken the next joint captain and vice-captain to address the issue.

"It has come to my attention recently, that an esteemed member of the Gotei 13, has abused his power as Taichou to engage in improper relations with his fukutaichou." He said this with his eyes closed, of course, for a great man such as Yamamoto Genryuusai, who possessed infinite, ancient wisdom, did not need to open them to see what was right in front of him. Then those eyes opened and focussed on the impassive face of the 6th division Taichou.

If Byakuya hadn't been ready to die of humiliation then, he surely was when Renji had chosen exactly that moment to forget he was in the presence of all the Gotei 13 captains and their vice-captains, and mutter: "You make it sound like he's the one on top…"

Naturally, everyone had heard.

In the utter silence that had followed, the crushing force of Byakuya's seething reiatsu had seemed to rob all those present of their breath for a moment. All except for the newly appointed fukutaichou of the 9th, Ayasegawa Yumichika, who had sparkled like a queen while his skin absorbed the spiritual pressure like it was lunch.

The androgyny had twittered and said: "I always knew you had a fondness for beautiful things, Renji-kun. It was obvious really, with the way you were always saying you had to surpass the great Kuchiki Byakuya, and not Zaraki-taichou, even though the latter is quite clearly the stronger of the two."

Had Byakuya been in a right state of mind, he would've undoubtedly chire'd the former 11th fifth seat to death for such an insult. However, he'd simply sat there in stunned, embarrassed silence, as that comment snapped the other Taichous out of their momentary stupor, and the room exploded in chaos.

The next day, Renji had decided it best for all involved to accept that promotion to Taichou of the 5th after all.

A soft shake of his shoulders pulled him out of his reveries. "Ne, Byakuya, what're you thinking so deeply about anyway?"

Byakuya pondered how to answer that question briefly. His thoughts had been plentiful and spread all over the place, and yet, for some reason, he found he could sum it up perfectly with a single word.

"You."

He felt Renji smirk against the back of his neck. "Yer such a sap. If only the rest of Soul Society knew…"

The noble huffed at that, frowning a little. "I most certainly am not a… sap. I was merely stating the truth."

This time Renji chuckled, nuzzling his hair.

"You do realize that only makes it worse, right?"

Byakuya paused for a moment, before realizing his lover was right. "Hn. I refuse to deign that with a reply."

His only response to that was a playful tug on his hair and an admonishing nip at his earlobe. Byakuya sighed, allowing himself to relax completely in the younger man's embrace.

"I love you."

The words were whispered against his skin, and like always, they made his heart race a little. However, he'd had several years to get used to them, and so he merely smirked and said: "Who's the sap now, hmm?"

"Che. Jerk."

Yes, since the end of the Winter War, Byakuya's life had changed in many strange and confusing ways, and while he couldn't say he wholly approved of the long string of humiliations and highly embarrassing encounters with nearly half of the Gotei 13 in various states of undress, he couldn't find it in himself to regret any of it.