AN: Time to start something a little more fresh and structured. Those in the know will guess just by the title what this fic will be a parody of. It's also a sequel to my other fanfic the Madness of Suzumiya Haruhi; though its not required reading by any means, it'll explain Yuki's change of behaviour. Now, please enjoy all you lovely people. May the power of rock and true love guide us on the righteous path...or something. Heh.

Oh, and I'm going to incorporate little nods to various video games and other hip stuff in this fic. Try to find the blindingly obvious one in this chapter.

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Kyon Vs The World

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Tea and the Hand of God

My life is a joke, I swear. You'd think that what I had to go through not too long ago, the powers that be would cut me some form of slack.

But no. I was literally fighting for my life on a daily basis, for what I believe to be the dumbest reason ever.

I'd long lost the patience required to tackle these sorts of things with a level head, and it didn't help that Haruhi and Nagato, of all people, were at odds with each other because of me.

Everything was spectacularly falling apart; my daily routine already burst at the seams with this insanity.

Then why was I still fighting? Well, let me sorta explain it you. Despite it all, I realized there were things in life worth fighting for.

How that so-called fighting took place was what pissed me off however.

And it all started on some chilly winter afternoon.

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Haruhi was in high spirits, as is normal for this current period. The entirety of the five members that comprised the SOS Brigade where currently relaxing at a table outside a nameless coffee shop, myself included of course. Empty cups of tea went and returned refilled and near-boiling; their steam floating adamantly despite the bitter cold and falling snow. Why not just drink tea inside? Well, I think you can figure out who was responsible for that.

'It'll be fun!'

Freezing cold more like it. But not beyond my limits of tolerance. The steaming hot tea helped a bit anyway.

'Aren't you cold, Nagato?' I asked out of reflex. I knew she really didn't mind, but the rest of us were wearing padded parkas, mittens and scarves. She was wearing...well once again I think you can figure that out.

'I'm good.' She smiled, keeping her eyes on me as she took a gentle sip of her scalding tea.

'Seriously, Yuki.' Haruhi added, leaning forward from the seat right next to me. Her bright green parka russled as she moved. 'You're wearing a skirt in this weather! Sure it doesn't really bother you?'

Nagato just shrugged. 'I like snow.'

'Yeah...' Asahina sighed through a smile, cupping her cheeks with her adorable pom-pom adorned cyan mittens. 'As long as you're warm, it's really nice to look at.'

'It really is quite beautiful out here.' Koizumi interjected, gazing wistfully around him. 'It's like a scene from a gripping love story.'

Bit dramatic I think. But the girls seemed to agree, as they started chattering away about the latest rom-com movie that I'd probably watched but had absolutely no recollection of.

That reminded me of my situation. Haruhi and I were currently sorta dating.

Kinda.

Maybe.

I think?

Truth is, not much had actually changed between us. We would walk each other home from time to time. She was significantly nicer to me about once a week. And, once in a while, like today, she would offer to pay for all the expenses involved in an SOS Brigade outing.

Oh, wait. One more thing. And this probably was a big change, come to think of it. Excursions to town like this were actually normal affairs. Aka, it didn't involve seeking out aliens or other strange phenomena. It was, simply put, hanging out with friends. Calm. Normal.

And fun. For me.

I glanced at Haruhi as I thought those things. She caught me looking and smirked boyishly, following up with a little harder than playful elbow nudge.

'You ok there, grumpy?' She teased.

I said nothing, and just ruffled the top of her hair, shaking free a few loose snowflakes thad had camped in her bangs.

'H-hey!' She grumbled and pushed my hand away, pouting at me.

'You're calling me grumpy?' I replied, grinning. I heard Asahina and Nagato giggle to each other from across the table. Koizumi added his own geniune chuckle, and before long, the three of them were laughing at their Commander-in-Chief, who could only to blush bright pink at the assault.

'C'mon, that's insubordination! How dare you all mock me like that?' She cried, half-serious, half-amused.

'It's just so cute!' Asahina giggled quietly.

'You two are like an old married couple.' Nagato joked, downing the rest of her tea.

I felt my own face grow hot at that statement. Haruhi turned to me from the corner of my vision, so I spoke without thinking.

'What d'you say, Haruhi? Want to be an old married couple?'

The others laughed again, but Haruhi held her gaze on me for a little too long. I turned in my seat and met her stunned look.

'You're such an idiot.'

'Huh?' My own cup of tea froze right in front of my lips. And before I could think of anything clever to say, it became everyone's turn to laugh to me.

Hey, that was unfair. She didn't have to say like that...

'I'll buy you a ring when I retire.' I countered, sipping sagely from my own cup of tea.

...And I think I just burned my tongue.

Then, the table we were all sitting around exploded.

I remember only seeing red shards of ice and broken bits of teacup flying in every direction. Whatever the blast had been, it sent me and my chair flying outwards before crashing into a street divider so hard that I swear I heard my own spine pop. People screamed from all around me, I thought I heard someone call my name.

After steadying my blurred vision with a slap to the forehead, I took in the destruction around me.

There was a tall pillar of blood-crimson ice spiking out through the concrete floor where our table had just been. Well, it was still there, just in pieces on the floor, along with several bits of porcelain and warped spoons.

I felt an urgent worry for my friends, and was somewhat relieved that they had fared better than myself.

Nagato and Haruhi had apparantly leapt away, and were thankfully unscathed. Koizumi had also evaded, and was currently shielding a terrified-looking Asahina from a crouching position on the floor.

I stood myself up from the chair, surprised that I hadn't been crippled, and noticed that Haruhi and the others were staring at something on the top of the red ice pillar.

Scratch that, someone.

There was a man standing on the tip of the pillar. Platinum grey strands of perfect hair masked a beyond-typical bishounen face that, at the moment, was leering down straight at me with imperious malice.

The guy leapt ten feet in the air like a ninja and landed right in front of me.

As I instinctively stepped away, he slowly rose, staring at me with a pair of soulless blue eyes and a self-satisfied smirk. Despite how surprised I was, I subconsciously noted just how stupid his outfit looked. He was wearing a white puffed-up sleeveless vest over a black leather jacket, tight jeans and...cowboy boots?

Then, the weirdo pointed a menacing finger at me and yelled:

'Your name!'

'What...?'

'I asked for YOUR NAME!'

'Uhhh, Kyon.'

Ugh, that just slipped out. Thanks a bunch Haruhi.

'Kyon WHAT?'

'Just Kyon.'

Thank you SO much.

'Well then, "Just Kyon." Time to see if you live up to your name!'

Who...was this guy? And did he have to scream everything?

'Hang on, what did I do? Who are you?'

The guy flicked his hair back. I swear I saw sparkles coming from it.

'Hah! So SHE didn't tell you!' He dramatically jerked his chin towards the form of Haruhi, standing several feet away behind him. There was something about her shocked face that I picked up. Was that...recognition? Did she know this clown?

'Haruhi, what the hell is going on?' I asked her, concerned. 'You know who this guy is?'

She was at a loss. Not something that happened often with her. But the look she wore really did say it all. As did what she said next.

'Jim! What're you doing?' Haruhi gasped with a surprised and angry tone. Nagato, Asahina, and Koizumi all looked to her, seemingly coming to the same conclusion as me.

'Save it! You know what I'm here to do!' "Jim" snapped at her and turned his attention back to me. Oh, crap. This guy was at least a head taller. And did he have magic powers or what with that entrance!

'I am Jim Kisaragi! Haruhi's first Evil Ex Boyfriend! Now we will fight to the death for Haruhi's love!'

Then he charged at me, fist raised and yelling a furious battlecry.

'Wait...'

'Hee-yyyYYYAAARGH!'

His giant fist loomed closer.

'...just a damned...'

Jim wasn't even touching the ground now.

'SECOND!'

The attack collided with my arm as I parried at the last second. Not wasting the opportunity, I drove my free hand up in a ripping uppercut that smashed into his chin, flinging Jim up into the air.

No way...not again. I should NOT have been able to do that.

Haruhi and Nagato gasped in shock. Koizumi stared bug-eyed at me. Asahina gave off a frightened squeal.

Jim Kisaragi recoved in midair with a graceful flip and landed hard with a shattering shockwave, kicking up a spiderweb of cracks under his idiotic boots.

'Unexpected.' He bared his teeth with an arrogant grin. 'You have some skill. But nothing I haven't seen before!'

'Can you please stop yelling?'

I just had to ask. Wether he heard me or not, Jim rushed forward and attacked again.

He threw a flurry of lightning quick punches and kicks at every height. I blocked and weaved incredibly, throwing out my own attacks which he reversed in turn. Faster and faster we attacked, to the point where our limbs blurred into an indistinguishable...well blur.

I saw an opening. A thousandth of a second opening, but I saw it. So with this strength that I thought lost, I lashed out a roundhouse and drove my foot into Jim's stomach. Using the momentum, I flung him to the side and sent him smashing right through a wall across the street in an explosion of dust and bricks.

A tense silence followed, in which I surveyed my surroundings for a moment. There were people everywhere, gawking at me from a distance. Some in awe, others in fear, but generally in disbelief. Had someone called the police yet or what? And...did I just kill that guy?

Before I could ponder the thought, a flash of red tore right past me head. I quickly turned my head upwards from where it came from. Jim was airborne, flying down at me like a torpedo.

I jumped to the side just as Jim slammed into the ground at my feet.

'Too slow.'

Oh sh-

A burst of crimson ice erupted all over Jim's point of impact. It shot upwards from my feet. Too close. I couldn't dodge.

'WagH!'

The stuff burned! It grew up around my legs rapidly, already clearing my waist. I tried to somehow stop the flow with my hands, but as soon as my fingers touched the red ice, it suddenly spread up my arms too!

Jim Kisaragi just stood there, smiling like a smug bastard.

'How does it feel to have the icy burn of my-'

In a flash, I saw a familiar school sneaker simply clean Jim's head from my view. In its place, I saw Nagato, teeth gnashed together in a menacing snarl, still floating in midair slow-mo from the incredible kick she had just unleashed.

It was beautiful.

As soon she landed from the attack, she thrust her hand forward and slammed the red ice that was growing over my chest with an open palm. I didn't feel a thing, but the ice around me shattered instantly, taking with it the horrific burning sensation that had almost made me black out.

The pain lingered for a bit, but I managed to remain standing. Nagato was still in front of me, but her head was turned to the side.

She was glaring at Jim, who had just pried himself out of a brick wall from the other side of the street, dislodging a few chunks of concrete in the process.

Despite being kicked across the head by an Alien God, Jim simply dusted himself off like it had been a minor annoyance.

'A guardian angel? How pathetic.' He spat, running a hand through his still-pristine silver hair. 'We'll settle this later, Just Kyon!'

And then...he flew.

'What.' I blurted.

Jim Kisaragi just soared right off the street, over a random building and out of sight.

Another uncomfortable silence. I turned to Nagato briefly, who looked about as bewildered and confused as I felt.

'So...what's going on?' I ask calmly.

Nagato smirked ruefully.

'Well, I'm not too sure. But I know who to ask.'

Right on cue, Haruhi approached us with Asahina and Koizumi in tow.

'Kyon...' She murmured, eyes wide in astonishment. 'You're...'

Me?

'So...AMAZING!'

Haruhi was overjoyed, her face glowing bright with child-like wonder.

'Well...' Nagato piped up, rubbing her hair gingerly. '...I wonder what happens now?'

I don't have a damn clue, and Haruhi...

...Please stop staring at me like that.

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(OMAKE)

'How does it feel to have the icy burn of my-'

In a flash, I saw a familiar school sneaker simply clean Jim's head from my view. In its place, I saw Nagato, teeth gnashed together in a menacing snarl, still floating in midair slow-mo from the incredible kick she had just unleashed.

It was beautiful.

As soon she landed from the attack, she thrust her hand forward and slammed the red ice that was growing over my chest with an open palm. I didn't feel a thing, but the ice around me shattered instantly, taking with it the horrific burning sensation that had almost made me black out.

The pain lingered for a bit, but I managed to remain standing. Nagato was still in front of me, but her head was turned to the side.

Though the situation didn't really call for it, I felt like I just had to say something.

'Hey, Nagato.'

'Huh?' She turned to me, slightly puzzled.

'Stripes. It suits you.'

At first she continued to fix me with a perplexed look. Then, sudden realization kicked in. Eyes widened to saucers. Mouth agape in shock. Her face lit up bright crimson.

Last thing I remember was seeing that same shoe flying towards my face.

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AN: Please review everyone! It would make me so happy to get some feedback.

Cheers then!